The Hell I Live In

Well, I always thought that the hell I had to put up with at home would be the worst of my troubles. I guess I was completely wrong. Well to sum things up, home life wasn't peaches during my childhood. I had a dad who wasn't abusive in the physical sense, but more of in the psychological sense, if that makes any sense. He was a verbal abuser. Mostly he'd just criticize my mom, though that wasn't always the case. He would criticize us kids as well. I always thought the criticizm would just miraculously stop. Who knew that it would escalate to such great lengths. My dad once said that I was turning into my mom, that I was too lazy and would end up just like her. I was to become just another lump on a couch. Too bad it was almost the truth at the time. I was, of course, lazy, but who could blame me. Most kids my age were lazy, obviously something my dad never picked up on.

There was my sister, the perfect one, my brother, the athletic and goofy one, and then there was me. My brother and sister never really appreciated me, the eldest child in our family. I was a loving sister, I cared for them, cleaned up after them, protected them, and helped them in difficult situations. They never did acknowledge everything I did for them. They weren't grateful at all.

My life didn't completely revolve around my family though. I had a life at school, a terrible life, but a life all the same.
When I was in middle school I was always teased by the other kids. I had the worst allergies that anyone could ever imagine. They were terrible, I was always sneezing and blowing my nose. It was distracting and the kids all thought it was the funniest thing in the whole world. I had my share of bullies growing up. People don't really associate girls with being bullies, but in my case there was no exception. I had more than one on my back since about fifth grade, lucky me. There was Valerie, the locker room terror, always criticizing me about every little thing. She would always tease me, laugh at me. During 6th grade I didn't have to worry about bullies, just about being teased by relentless classmates. They always laughed at me because of my allergies. Once, during science class, two of my fellow classmates told me they were going to buy me a present for Christmas. When I replyed, really? they just laughed and said they'd buy me a box of tissues. Boy, what a thing to say to a person. No wonder I had such low self esteem.

Then there was Katie, she was in my history class and I always loathed that class because of her. If not for her I would have had an enjoyable time. She once asked me if I ever took showers. The answer to that predictable question was obviously yes, of course. I wasn't a dirty child, I always had a bath or shower, I was always clean. I think that she was just trying to be mean, though my stringy hair could have convinced her otherwise. I never really dryed my hair with a blowdryer when I was younger and because of this my hair sometimes looked ratty, maybe a little dirty. This wasn't the worst bully I ever had to deal with.

Around 8th grade another girl thought it would be fun to tease and torment me. This girl was friends with one of my friends. I think part of her motivation to torture me this way was because of her jealousy. I think she felt the other girl was bein too nice to me and not paying enough attention to her. I never thought of the one girl as my best friend and I'm positive that I wasn't her best friend either. When we went on our 8th grade trip to Washington DC she decided to make things even worse. She would call me names, push me around, and laugh at me. She even put a sucker in my hair. I had to sit there while everyone in my class laughed at me. It was dreadful.

This is the reason I hated middle school. I think it's also the reason I'm so shy and quiet around people. I can't trust anyone, not even my friends. I'm afraid of what they'll think and what they'll say about me. I'm afraid of criticizm. What can I say, with friends like that who wouldn't be afraid of all that. High School was much better, but I could never forget all the horrible things people did or said to me during Middle School. How could anyone forget being bullied or teased?

High school was slightly better, a little less teasing and a little more self esteem. What a toll puberty takes upon teenagers, they're cute and adorable before and then they're hideous disfigured, clumsy fools. No wonder I had such low self esteem, I always thought that I wasn't pretty. I didn't realize the truth, that I was indeed very pretty, until much later in life. I think I took it for granted, at least the "being pretty" part of it. I always wished that a guy, any guy, would like me. I had no such luck, I still don't have that kind of luck. I always had crushes in High School but had no guys crushing on me. I always felt left out when my friends had boyfriends. They'd always tell me how much better I had it. I don't care if it's 10Xs worse to have a boyfriend, I want to experience it. I wanted to know what the big deal was about kissing a guy or actually going on a single date. I still want to know what it's like to go on a date.

I'm sure you're all thinking, boo hoo, no big deal, but it is a big deal. It's a big deal to me. I don't want any simpathy from anyone. I don't want you to feel sorry for me, it's not anyone's fault that I've never gone on a date. If it is anyone's fault it's mine for being too shy and afraid to talk to guys. I think it's all the repressed memories of how people laughed at me because of my allergies. I never know how they'll react. It might just be my repressed memories of feeling ugly and different. It might be anything and everything I've experience that has made me this way.

The only time I've ever been to actually attract a guy or flirt with one is when I'm online. How totally obvious is that? Most people find it easier to chat with someone when they're not face to face with them. There's just some mystery in it. People can be whoever they want to be. They don't have to be shy or self conscious. They don't have to be ugly or boring. They can be mysterious, sexy, even flirtatious and open with anyone they meet. I've met my share of guys online, some creepy and some sweet, some cute and some ugly. I think I like it better when pictures aren't exchanged. That way I can imagine the person to look however I want them to look. It's part of the appeal of going online. Being able to find someone that you connect with at a higher level, and not caring what they look like or how old they are.

My brother and sister weren't exactly my biggest supporters. They always acted like they hated me. For example, I'm getting ready to leave for college and all my sister can do is bitch about how I tag along with her all the time, which I don't. She's just pissed that my mom made me take her to concerts, to watch over her. I never thought anything of it. My brother on the other hand didn't think it was such a big deal for me to be goin off again for another year. I try to be helpful but he always hates when I try to help him. He always teases me as well. Sometimes when I think about all the horrible stuff that's happened to me I just want to cry.

Before going back to school I ended up hanging with a few of my old high school friends. I never felt like a part of their group in the first place, I was always more of an outsider. I still felt like an outsider when I hung around them. My one friend had a few parties in which she invited most of her close friends. Now she always had a best friend, though her best friend changed throughout the years. When we were in elementary school it was Katie and now it's Michelle. I was never a best friend of hers, I was really never a best friend to anyone. As well as not being a best friend, I never really had a best friend until high school. My only real friend is Kelly, well my only real high school buddy. I wish I had been able to hang out with her this summer, but something always came up at the last moment. She was always hanging with her boyfriend and I was always working.

I always wished I was a real part of the group of friends I had, but I'm not. I'm different, a lot less immature to begin with. I've always been mature for my age, I just brought it upon myself to be that way. I've always been the adult in my group of friends, lucky me. Whenever I now come back to hang with my friends they have new stories and inside jokes that I'm not a part of. They seem to pick me up and drop me whenever they feel like it. I just don't fit in, I don't fit in anywhere anymore. I have my own life, a very lonely, boring life, but at least my own life. I may not have any inside jokes to look back on, besides ones from work, which bothers me but I can live with. I just wish I fit in somewhere. I don't even know why I hang with my old friends, them being so very immature and all. I guess it's because I know that if I don't hang out with anyone my parents will get worried about me and tell me that I have to do something with my friends, against my own will.

Things were still getting worse, mainly after I got back to school. Everything was going great, moving day was going great, I don't know what happened. I went with my roommate to visit a few friends over on the other side of campus. Things seemed quite normal at first but that soon changed. I started to shut myself out, I felt like an outsider. I was an observer of some odd experiement, one where my friends were being tested through the use of alcohol. I'm not a drinker myself, which made me even less a part of what was going on. This is what really made me feel uncomfortable. I just didn't fit in anymore. Last year my roommate and I were inseperable, through thick and thin, even when a boyfriend was involved, her boyfriend to be exact. Something changed over the summer but I don't know exactly what that something is. I think we just grew apart a little. We are no longer this tight knit group, we've grown up over the summer, something that usually happens when people are away from one another for a long period of time. I feel neglected while at school. My roommate has her own best friend and I am yet again left with myself. I end up reading books, playing on the computer, drawing, and chatting with random people. Wow, what an exciting life I have.

So, I bet you're wondering how exactly my life is a living nightmare, a neverending hell. It seems like I never belong, no matter where I am and no matter who I'm with. I can go to a party and feel completely alone. It sucks when people ignore me, it really does. I get along with my friends great, but I never feel like they regard me as a good friend. Nobody can come to me with their problems. I'd rather hear everyone's problems than to have them hide them from me. At least if they share their feelings I have a way to better understand them. They all go to my roommate, and who I thought was my best friend until second semester freshman year rolled around.

It has been a while since I last added to this and it still feels like I'm surrounded by the flames of hell. I'm completely in love with this one guy and it sucks that he lives so far away. His name is Patrick, by the way, and he's really a wonderful guy. My friend Tom thinks he doesn't treat me right, but he does, I've deserved some of what I've gotten from him. I've pissed him off twice to completely block me from his life for a few days. I couldn't eat or sleep the whole time because I felt awful about what I did to him. I made him feel terrible, and I felt even worse. I've done some stupid stuff while growing up, but this is by far the worst of it. I was a wreck as soon as I read an e-mail he sent me saying he would never speak to me again.

Eventually he did speak to me again and he has said he loves me. I was the first to say those very words, not sure what to expect after I'd said them. He has forgiven me, but he will never let me forget what I did. He tortures me with it sometimes, dangling it in front of me as if I were a cat being teased with a piece of yarn. I think I offend him by saying "I love you" all the time to him. I bet he thinks I use it way too often and I'm sure by now it has gotten old. Girls are much different than guys in that respect. They will always say "I love you," guys on the otherhand think it should be used very little. As he has told me, if you use it too often, it isn't as special anymore. He's right when he says that, but I just can't help saying those words. I think it comforts me to say them.

All I want is to be in his arms and to hear him whisper those words to me one time. That's all I'd need to be happy. Don't take that the wrong way, I mean, I am happy right now with where I am in my life. I'm in love with this wonderful guy who loves me back. I can be happy with just conversing with him online, though I don't want it to end up that we have nothing to say to each other. At times our talk has dwindled. Our topics are very limited; it seems as if we've talked about almost every subject matter there is. I wish I could figure out a way to keep his interest. I don't want him to abandon me; to drop me without a word. I don't know how I'd live without him in my life. I barely survived without him over a few days, I was even worse at times during the month we had off for Winter Break.

Through the past year, home life has gotten pretty awful as well. My dad is a lot worse, he complains, yells, and screams about every little thing. He says my mom has too much junk in the basement and he also says that she's putting on too much weight. He always complains about her weight. I can't stand to hear him scream any longer. He's done enough damage; he's screamed and complained about my mom on even the most special of occasions. I mean, he has yelled at her for being fat on her birthday, wow, what a way to celebrate.

School has almost gotten worse, or it was worse towards the end of last semester. My RA came in one day concerned that I might be a little depressed and possibly suicidal. The only reason she came in was that someone had read my profile on AIM, thinking that the creative poem I wrote was real.

Sorry that I'm not exactly finished yet. There will be more added on later, I promise. There will be an ending, the real hell I live in will be explained later on. Sorry for the inconvenience.