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by Slam
Rated: E · Essay · Nonsense · #2200284
A man proudly presents his perfect scalp.
The Man with the Perfect Scalp

I have the best scalp that has ever graced the face of the earth. It is objectively impossible for a better scalp to exist. Through years of maintenance and God given beauty, I have acquired the perfect scalp. As I am extraordinarily humble, I have not talked about my scalp ever before. I can not bear the silence anymore. The world must know about my shining head.

I have rigorously wiped my scalp clean every single day of my life. It is the cleanest scalp to ever exist. I would gladly eat food off my scalp if it was convenient for me to do so. In any given time, there will not be a single speck of dust on my head. As my head must stay as clean as possible, I never leave my house. With so many birds flying about, it's only a matter of time before one of them happens to soil my head.

Being so clean, my head is extremely shiny. When exposed to light, my bald head shines with the glow of a thousand suns. The sheer luminosity of my bright head makes lesser men go blind. My head is so shiny, if anybody could muster the willpower to resist the light of my head they would be able to see their reflection on it. My scalp is as shiny as a scalp could get.

My head wouldn't be so shiny if it wasn't as smooth as it is. I regularly sand my head to remove any imperfections. My head is smoother than the flattest plate the King has in his cupboard. Whoever could have the privilege of touching my scalp would be stunned at just how perfect my head is. Not only is my scalp the smoothest scalp to ever exist, I believe that it is also the smoothest surface in the entire world. The best artisans in the world could not polish anything to such a perfect degree.

While my head is smooth, it is not freakishly flat. It is obviously convex. However, it is not malformed and misshapen like yours. The upper half of my head is a perfect half sphere. It is such a perfectly shaped head, that mathematicians have begged me to let them run calculations on my head so they could find the definitive answer to what pi is. I will not let some greasy scholar's hand touch my perfect head, so I have refused all requests.

What is the point of a good scalp if it is covered up by your hair? In case it was not obvious by now, I have a bald head. The baldest head in fact. There isn't a single head out there as barren as mine. Your bald grandfather doesn't even come close. I have meticulously removed every single hair from my head. No matter the length. I have even sealed any hole a hair might sprout out of with wax. My head will stay bald forever, so the world may rejoice in its beauty.

My greatest pain in life is that I will never get to take a good look at my own scalp. No arrangement of lenses or mirrors has let me take a satisfying glance at the top of my head. As I grow old, my body deterioriates and so does my scalp. It is getting harder and harder each day to maintain the perfection of my scalp. Soon, my skin will begin to wrinkle and my head will follow suit. I have no intention of losing the perfection that crowns my head.

In an act of incredible selfless sacrifice, I have decided to surgically remove my scalp and preserve it. I have hired the best surgeons and taxidermists of the land to take on this task. The preservation of perfection is paramount. After my pulse stops and my flesh rots, future generations can gaze upon my perfect scalp and wonder. While it pains me to know that I will never get to touch my head ever again, I am happy that I will have the joy of looking at the greatest scalp to ever bless humanity with its existence.
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