its all circles

I think, I hope this is going to be a long one.

I want to make sense of things. Unfortunately, I have a strong feeling things will stop making sense again and again. Will it ever truly make sense, once and for all, permanently?

This is why you have to dedicate to a discipline, A SINGLE DIRECTION, and stick to it, even if it kills you. You do it, and only then things make sense and keep making sense. Otherwise, its all circles.

Here's the different things I have done, and stopped, and so, things which once made sense stopped making sense
Gymnastics - i loved this sport, so much. The only thing that made me stop was moving away from my hometown. The new school had no scope of gymnastics and I got separated from this beloved sport. It was a pillar of my life for a few years.
Skating. Oh, so enjoyable. So lovely. Again, a great pastime in my young years. right outside my house. what a lovely thing.
In short, short bursts (few weeks to months), I have tried - boxing, parkour
AFTER THE MOVE AWAY FROM HOMETOWN
Watching Naruto, other Anime, a lot of TV shows, a lot of movies.
Playing Halo PC
Scripting (code) for Halo PC. A fun experience. A small community I got to be a part of. Online. It felt good. I was contributing. I got good feelings.
YEP. From sports to in the bedroom consuming or escaping for pleasure. Boy did my parents fail me. I know it was important to move for money, but fuck them. They could have encouraged me in to sports. They failed to provide any sort of guidance, any discipline, any nurturing. They were way too narcissistic. I know its not their fault they turned out that way. And they were too busy doing what they were supposed to do as per culture, and then trying to survive, to consciously parent us. I still resent them. I will get past it at some point in my life, i hope. Because logically, I understand their situation. I have a lot of compassion for them, and I'm grateful for the life they tried to give us. I guess right now I'm just in this mood, so my thoughts are shaped in this way.
Exercise - failed attempts. Year 11, 12, uni.


"A man who keeps changing directions clearly doesn't want to go anywhere."
This has been my story up until now.
Always changing directions.
I'm grateful to myself.
I tasted things.
I know what I want to stay away from.
I know what I want to do more of.
I failed so much. I want to cry. I'm only 21. It's okay. I finally realise I'm so far from perfect. I'm so average.

I wish I had friends. This is my biggest failure. Failure of building friendships.
In the household I grew up in, I became very narcissistic by nature, driven to achieve due to the never-ending shame I felt.
It took me a long time to start to recognise the shame and let it go over time. I probably still have remnants of it.
Spiritual practices.
New thought patterns.
Acceptance.
Consciousness.
Awareness.
Breathe.

Go on.

My thoughts, streaming...


"Sometimes life is like this tunnel, you cannot see where you are going, but if you just keep moving, you will come to a better place." - Uncle Iroh

I was so self absorbed, I knew nothing about the value of relationships. How could i? My parents never taught me, and so whatever I developed outside was of narcissistic nature.

I am simply stating fact. I am saying it not to blame my parents, but to make sense of my story.
this is a fact within my story.
My parents failed, a lot, in raising my brother and i.
that's okay, their parents failed them.
my parents worked hard to provide my brother and i a lifestyle with good food everyday, going to good schools in whichever little towns we lived in. what more can a kid ask for? i imagine this was all they thought of for my brother and i. give us the education and resources that they did not get when they were growing up. that would make their life better, right? that would make mom and dad feel better about themselves, and think they achieved their parenting goals.

I guess I have resentment towards them, i feel it and i see it in my writing of the above text.
Oh well, maybe that will get dealt with.


I guess, I digress.

I have always been changing direction.

I have always been changing friends and communities. Ever since I was 8 years old, and I got moved from my hometown to a whole different country... my parents never speaking any words of guidance to help this little kid make sense of anything, until he moved out at 19 and finally starting growing up from the little 12 year old he quickly recognised he was. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, i never grew up. It took me almost 3 years. Finally. From the 12 year old to, i guess, older. young adult. 18, 19, 20. this is me now.

i want to stop changing direction.

it makes all the sense in the world for me to stop the degree i was studying. IT? From the start I had no fucking clue why I was doing it. I lived in such a state of unconsciousness, always pumped with stress and anxiety, escaping into pleasure with all of the free time I had......... when i decided to study IT. it was such a failed decision. my dad sat with me in my room for a few mins, that failure of a dad. i was on my laptop. we barely communicated. just like my whole life. he just communicates to feel better about himself. insecure. both of them. what did they ever know about raising a child. fucking failures.

i was questioning university after my first few months, I wanted to fucking stop after the first semester. But how could. I was an international student. trade-offs, am i right?

why is trying to make sense also sulking?


I always follow somebody.
I set the standard by seeing the top person in the heirarchy
Someone cool, someone who's made it, someone who's different. someone who is unique.
naruto, sasuke. justifying my loneliness through the characters i saw. trying to be cool to accept myself because im like sasuke.
Wizard from Phasor. Oxide from Phasor

I also always break away from the community. I cause some chaos not realising i am the problem.
it was my outlet sometimes. causing trouble. but i was narcissistic about it. self absorbed. not at all conscious or self aware. easily able to fall in to escapism and miss out on awareness.
friendless. no conscious reflections of my actions and consequences. nobody to tell me reality is different from what I am perceiving.


i think i always needed to embody somebody else so i can accept myself.
so i can love myself.
so i can feel normal.
so i can be and be okay.
so i know i am something.
i am like them, therefore I am.

then other people will accept me.

its all circles.



Moral of the story
* Parenting matters so much
* If not parents, friends save you. I failed at friendships, too, thanks to my self-absorbed worldview and lack of knowing what friendships actually are. I was narcissistic - fuelled by my narcissistic parent.
* A single direction. That's all that matters. fuck everything else, die if i have to, but don't change direction. fuck you. i chose this direction and i will see it through for my lifetime.
* fuck you. fuck anybody else's opinions and fuck what anybody else is doing. fuck how anybody else is doing it. fuck following anybody else. * fuck it all. even i keep failing its better to fail my way than to try to be like someone and fail. fuck that someone.