Dear Me

Dear Me,

Looks like you got another year out of the way with only a couple of screw-ups; a big improvement from the year before. I know you didn’t deliberately pull the chair out from under your boss at the company Christmas party. How were you to know he was about to sit down? I can’t figure why he got so mad and moved you to an office with no window. And, that time you forgot your wife’s birthday was a symptom of memory loss due to age. Surely, she will eventually get over it and start cooking your dinner again.

So, it’s time to start thinking of things to improve on in 2020. I expect you to keep this list and read it every day when you get up, so you stay more alert on what you are doing. Here are the main things I want you to concentrate on and strive to make them happen:

• Set your Outlook Calendar to remind you of May 22. That’s your wife’s damned birthday!

• Stay home next Christmas Eve. The office party can do without another drunken clown.

• Cut down on your drinking. Truthfully, there is no rule that says you have to drink the whole bottle of wine once it is open.

• Stop driving so fast! One more ticket and they’ll take your license away. And, at your age you don’t have to be in such a hurry.

• Quit hiding your son’s voter registration card. Just because he is 28 and still living under your roof, doesn’t give you the right to keep him from voting. Yea, he is a liberal, but try a little harder to turn him into a Republican. You still have time.

• Go to church! You are turning into a heathen.

• When making love to your wife, quit imagining she is someone else! She still looks OK for her age.

• And, start getting along with your wife’s boyfriend. There must be something good about him or she wouldn’t be seeing him.

• And lastly, start catching some fish when you take the boat out. You come back empty handed every time and your wife is starting to think you are having an affair. Yea, I know, there are just no damned fish in that lake these days, so buy some on your way home and don’t tell where they came from.

I expect good things from you this year. You don’t have that many more to go at 68. Make them all count by making as many new young friends as you can. There is nothing worse than being alone at your own funeral.

Sincerely,
Me