by My Sox Rox
For Personfy Writing Contest March 2022- won third place.
|Dear sir or madam,|
I am writing you to request better working conditions. I would like to think of us as more than an employee and employer. Unfortunately, your treatment of me is not of a friendly nature. I do not appreciate being rapidly and roughly unrolled before the rather irritating sensation of being violently ripped at my perforations. What comes next is even worse. I complain now of the filth of my job and the inevitable swirling death that follows.
I do not mind sacrificing myself for the honor of serving you but the smell I must endure between your visits is nauseating. I request a better air freshener than the silly cone on the back of the toilet. It is not sufficient for the doody. Really, I do not believe you would endure long in my position. I say this noting the rapidity of your retreat from my office.
Basically, I demand more respect, gentler handling, and Frebreeze. If you do not comply with my demands I am afraid I will be forced to leave your employ. Since there are precious few other individuals that would debase themselves enough to perform my doodies you will have a hard time replacing me. A few suggestions, magazine pages, junk mail, brillo pads, etc. Do note that some individuals which performed my doodies before me are hard to come by. You can no longer locate Sears and Roebucks catalogs or plentiful corn cobs.