Proverbial ‘They’? 851 words

851 Word Count

Callum reads the front of the syllabus. Who are the proverbial ‘They’? He squirms in the hard, plastic seat while he awaits his college professor to show up and answer this question.

However, he doesn’t think the question worthy of a college course.
He could have answered this question in his highchair.

‘They’ were his parents. “Don’t throw your food.”
Later it was “Don’t poop your pants, use the potty.”

As a preteen and teenager, he didn’t understand why ‘they got to be THE they,’ (other than having unprotected sex), and he told them so.

But he knew he was loved and soon discovered it pays to listen to ‘They’ and obey. And his cooperation has now led to this classroom and to this successful start of his adult life, avoiding the pitfall of drugs and any number of other mistakes that can end a person’s life.

So he is willing to listen again. But obey will be an open discussion now that he is an official adult.

The professor paces, his hands locked behind his back.
“Who can tell me? What is an Idiom?”

A few hesitant hands slip up, not much higher than the ears of the responding student. Callum is not stupid enough to put himself in Professor Kingmaker’s headlights.

A girl two rows down and to the right is called upon by Kingmaker after consulting the seating chart. “Miss Webber! Stand and Deliver!”

To her credit, Miss Webber does not stutter nor lose her train of thought. “Idiomatic expressions are a type of informal language that have a meaning different from the meaning of the words in the expression.”

“Example!” barks Professor Kingmaker.

Miss Webber does not falter. “Hold your tongue. This idiom doesn't actually mean that you should stick your fingers in your mouth and grab a hold of your tongue.” The class snickers and Kingmaker snarls at them. Instant silence.

“Miss Webber is correct! Straight off the pages of Wikipedia.” No one dares to snicker as Miss Webber sits down.

“This is not an idiom class and I trust there are no idiots in this room. If you fear you are an idiot, you may exit the classroom now.” No one moves but lots of feet shuffle.

“In this class we will study the Proverbial and Mystical ‘They’ who have conjured and endued to every person on earth, their wisdom, free of charge. The question is who are ‘They’ and why do we believe them.”

Callum is all ears, an idiom, he notes to himself. The wisdom of the ages is going to be explained by this man in his early sixties with a pop belly and tuffs of white hair.

Kingmaker says, “We will not study the Tortoise and the Hare because I have no patience, as you will soon learn. Tomorrow’s assignment will be the story of the Zen Farmer. Come prepared to explain whether you are currently experiencing Bad Times or Good Times and Who are the proverbial ‘They’?"

Callum stuffs the syllabus and his laptop into his backpack and jostles with the crowd until the sun bursts full-blast into his eyes and he puts on his sunglasses.

“Bright, isn’t it?” queries Miss Webber.

“Yeah…and so were you…in there…Bright that is. That took guts.”

Well, you know what they say, “One important key to success is self-confidence.”

“And who is the They that says that?” Callum challenges, thinking he could not say that three times in a row to save his life.

“In this case, I have only a single name: Arthur Ashe. So I guess since ‘he’ is a singular pronoun and not a ‘they’ plural, you got me.”

“Well, just don’t let Kingmaker catch you out. This class is all about The They. Got any ideas for tomorrow’s assignment?”

“No, I’ve got to read the Zen Farmer first. Do you know what that is all about?”

“Vaguely. It’s about how to judge situations in life. Are they good luck or bad luck? Who Knows? Something like that. Not sure that is quite right, but I’ll think it through before class tomorrow.”

“Sounds complicated. And I totally don’t get the ‘They’ portion of the assignment.”

“Me neither. See ya tomorrow.”

Callum’s new dorm mate is a total slob. As he picks up Bucko’s dirty t-shirt from the floor and tosses it across Bucko’s unmade bed, Callum wonders which Proverbial ‘They’ Rule he should apply here? Tidiness is next to Godliness?

Is Bucko Good Luck or Bad Luck? Who Knows?

Callum does know he is hungry.
Callum is going to go to the cafeteria. THEY are serving burgers and fries.
Why should he believe them? Because THEY chalked it on the menu board.
He saw it this morning and he is going to enjoy every savory bite.

Callum thinks the Zen Farmers are Members of THE THEY.
Why should we believe them? Because they experienced life before us and they have learned: It is impossible to know anything. Live the moment, which is all you have.

And don’t poop in your pants, use the potty.