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Rated: 18+ · Fiction · Comedy · #2272935
Dear Anonymous,

The Speaker thanks you for your thoughtful tirade. She considers letters like yours much preferable to bear spray, zip-ties and scaffolds with nooses!

In fact, she was so impressed that she thinks you need yet another government program to handle the issue your community is having with their own adjustment to this peaceful Bigfoot migration. She is so sorry to hear this oft-maligned and misunderstood ethnic group is having trouble finding a welcome out there in your rural town. Here are the particulars of the Speaker's proposal.

** Sensitivity training for the locals who are anti-Bigfooters.

** An affirmative-action training and hiring program for underprivileged Bigfoots.

** Construction of local, low-income housing for Bigfoots near transportation lines and local stores, such as a Walmart, a Turkey Hill, and and a Ross Dress for Less store. (The training program will try to get them to wear belts they can get at the Ross with government vouchers, as this belt deficiency seems to be of special concern in your community.)

** Intervention and treatment programs for Black & Milds addiction. Humans are welcome, too.

** Establishment of a Bigfoot history week to apologize for all the REALLY, REALLY bad photography to which these these poor Bigfoots have been the subject over the last 60 years.

** A civil rights commission to ensure nobody is interfering with Bigfoot rights to reproductive care, intermarriage, and the right to vote (including such rights for crossdressing, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer Bigfoots, of course).

** Impose triple the federal, state, and local taxes on alcohol and tobacco products sold at the Turkey Hill outlets in Pennsylvania to pay for the $25 million for the programs.

** All crimes against Bigfoots should be declared 'felony hate crimes'. However, any acts of theft, vandalism or violence supposedly perpetrated by alleged Bigfoots shall be treated as a citation-only infraction, and no effort should be made to hold Bigfoots accountable if they fail to pay the minimal fines involved. They are a historically oppressed minority and mass incarceration is not the answer.

As you can see, we have listened carefully to your concerns about the abuse heaped on these gentle Bigfoots and we are ready to take action on their behalf!

And by the way, we don't care which way the Bigfoots vote, just as long as they are allowed to vote by mail without any ID, registration, or permanent address. After all, every Pennsylvanian's vote should count, right?


A 'Woke' Staffer of Madam Speaker Pelosi

On Wednesday, May 11, 2022
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