I hear voices that other people cannot. It is a rough thing to deal with
|Vision and voices|
My demons react to every motion or movement I make. How and why is that I am the only one that sees it or see them. My visuals can be very scary at times, and I feel as if I have to walk on eggshells around them as to not make no sudden movements. I can't stand how their red eyes seem to stare right through to my soul as if they have a hold on it. They taunt me and somewhat visually torture me. I can't help but to see them and their mysterious ways. I remember one day my kids and I were waiting in line to get our medication at the shelter we were staying at and watching my demon stand next to someone. As it is standing there laughing it all the sudden enters that person's body changing that person into someone from my past. The horror I felt going through my body was so unwanted. That bastard changed the person into my dad. I started freaking out trying my hardest to hold my tounge and not yell and scream. That didn't work out so well as I came unraveled from everything. Breaking down and screaming I told the demon to leave the person alone and stay away from them. It was an automatic switch back into the person that was standing there and them staring at me like what is wrong with you and why are you yelling at me. " You crazy physco". I felt so embarrassed and ashamed about what I have done. If only they could have saw what I saw.
Sometimes I feel as if I am going crazy like literally going crazy. I was having a hard time with the voices yesterday; they were being super loud. I was getting so mad and frustrated with them. They were saying very mean and untrue things. Things like I am not worth anything, my boyfriend doesn't want me, my boyfriend and mom don't want me at the house, I am useless and no good. It was so hard for me to drown out the voices, like I said it is like they like taunting me and making my life miserable. Most the time I can't understand what they are saying it can be as low as a muffled voice or voices. Yesterday I could hear them loud and clear. Most of the time the voices will come from another room and there is multiple voices not just one.
When I was younger, I used to think this was all normal and that everyone could hear and see what I did for the longest time I couldn't sleep with a picture near the bed because the picture would constantly change and what I saw wasn't pleasant at all. It changed into multiple shapes, forms and dead people even into the demons I see. The horns and hoofs the sharp teeth and the eyes. Most my demons or what I am seeing have chains on them as if they were chained and beaten. I really dislike them being around and always near me, it causes my anxiety to really start going. I am so thankful that I have medication to take because it helps keep symptoms more controlled as well as eases them. It can be a hit and miss with my medication somedays and on those days that is when my mental health really gets hard to handle. I noticed that I have been really antsy and having a hard time sitting still, so it has been up and down, up and down a lot for me. A lot of it has to do with my voices and my visions. I have so many questions and just want answers to my questions. I feel like I am not going to ever get the answers that I want.
It is like I am being shut out by my own family and they only get ahold of me when it is convenat for them. Then they want to put their problems on me instead of helping me through whatever I am going through. I sometimes wish they were supportive than they really are. At least I have my man and his mom that I call mom. They are both really amazing people and have been since I first got here. My voices are still somewhat loud and won't go away they never go away. I am going to have to take my Abilify to help ease the voices, so they don't bother me so much. I should be hearing the voices at a minimal. I really wish I wasn't hearing all the negative things that they feel like they need to be saying. All I can do is keep fighting them and trying to drown them out. Every once in a while, I will talk back to them and tell them to leave me alone. All they do is stand there and laugh at me as if it doesn't faze them at all. I have been writing a lot lately to keep my mind at ease trying my hardest to shut them out. Like I have said before that it doesn't always work. So, I have been trying to pick topics to write about and the topic for this writing is visions and voices. The voices are like poison running through my veins it never stops and feel like I am suffocating on them. To many voices to even count and sometimes too many to hear. Most all the time it is really hard to hear what is being said.
What is it like living with it? Well, it isn't easy, but it is normal for me. It isn't always easy for me like I said before to ignore the voices and visons, so I have to figure out ways to cope with it and writing has been one of the coping skills that I have been using. It helps me to express how I am feeling and what I am going through without getting all my words in a jam and bungfungled. A lot of the times when I talk about my feelings verbally, they come out the wrong way and people can get very offended. I think a lot of the times the voices and what I hear come out through my words and what I say and some of the things I say can come off as being really rude and even mean. So, I turn to writing and even drawing. A lot of my drawings are things I see just cartoonish looking. What I see with my eyes is pretty scary. Living with Schizoaffective is very hard and is hard to also be in a relationship because you are there but not there. It can change how you a lot and even respond to things in life. My moods are very sporadic and all over the place. It is not only hard on me but hard on the person you are with. It takes a very strong-willed person to be with someone who suffers from it. It is one of the disorders that you need to take medication for otherwise it can get really out of hand. If you or someone you know is suffering from it be patient do research and read up on it to get a better understanding of it. The voices will hopefully settle down after a while just make sure to take your medication because it really helps. The voices maybe mean and cruel, just remember it is all lies and untrue. Don't let them get to you and if it gets really bad remove yourself from the surrounding people and go to a quiet room and try to relax. When the voices are loud to me, I try to take a nap and take it easy or try to write it down and even talk about it. Just stay strong keep your head up you are way better and well worth it. The voices maybe loud but we are louder. Make sure you are heard by them and don't stop.