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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/2279570-Pests--405-words
Rated: 13+ · Short Story · Comedy · #2279570
when you have bad neighbors written for the Writer's Cramp, human pests
Pests


My husband David and I are retirees, living the good life here in Naples, Florida. That was until the McNasty's moved in above us.

That's not their real names of course. Changed to protect the innocent.

They seemed OK at first. Vegans, had a guru, meditated. Monica was a bit too New Agey for me, though. All that love and light had to be hiding something. Superficial as hell, though. Her partner Scott, a golf pro, and a Mail Pouch chewing vegan? Something didn't add up.

All was well until the day Scott was cleaning his (golf?) balls and left the water running in the bathroom sink till it cascaded into our kitchen. We couldn't prove actual negligence so David and I, and our insurance company had to pay for the damages.

Then came the mold. We had to pay for that, too. Did I say we were seniors living on Social Security? Good-bye to that Tuscany trip.

The final straw came when Scott attacked David, verbally and physically, over David parking his car too close to "their" parking area. He
shoved David so hard David fell, yelling, "OK BOOMER". Enough was enough. Fortunately, David wasn't hurt, but no Gen X'r or Gen Y'er
is going to call us Boomers and get away with it.

This old hippie roared into action pulling out all my old witchy knowledge.

I dragged out my Dorothy Morrison , "Utterly Wicked" book and let fly the hexes. I sprinkled Valerian root, did the marshmallow hex, the chicken foot curse, though I used pictures instead of real chicken feet. Well, a month of that and they still weren't gone. It was time to haul out the big guns. I drew a chalk line between our properties and sprinkled black salt all along their side with a giant dose of Banishing Oil for good measure. I sent them a letter reading: Farewell, Scott and Monica, Peace, Love & Good-bye!

Black Salt is never known to fail. Two weeks later Scott and Monica had packed their cardboard suitcases and were last seen boarding a Greyhound bus to, "Don't know, don't care."

David and I popped the cork on the bottle of Moet & Chandon we had been saving.

I do believe in Karma, just not particularly the dictum, "Do what thou wilt, and harm none".

I am thinking of going into the pest extermination business, though.


Author's Note: Only loosely based on real events





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