Still Needing a Title

There was a cold breeze that filled the air of the room as Alexis laid in her bed staring at the ceiling. She felt the shiver run down her body and tried to pull the blanket up around her closer. She could not sleep and now with being cold she knew that she would never drift off for the night. She reached over and turned on her bedside lamp, and looked around her room. The breeze was coming from the open window she forgot to close before trying to go to bed. She slipped out from underneath her cover and put her feet on the cold, freezing floor. She stood up and stretched while yawning. As she walked to the window in the corner of the room she started to think about what it would be like to be a star. This was her idea of a better life. No one to judge you and you would always get to shine bright. She reached out and closed the window then stood there glaring at the starry night sky. Her mind was racing and she was ready to just be gone. Life was just too hard and she was finding herself struggling with just simply being alive. Could there ever be peace in her life, and could she ever just be herself in public? These questions have been haunting Alexis for several years now. It was constantly eating at her like a virus. She shook her head and turned around to head back to her bed. In the last few days her heart has been heavy and she was fighting an inner battle with herself. As she slide back under her aqua ocean like comforter she let out a sigh, turned off the light, and rolled over. She was determined to get some sleep.

As the alarm buzzed loudly, Alexis reached over and hit the top of it and groaned. She was not ready to start her day. It was the first day of her senior year of high school and all she wanted to do was stay in bed. Sadly, she had to leave her nice warm cozy bed and get moving so she had time to eat breakfast before leaving today. She threw the blanket off and slowly set up wiping the sleep out of her eyes all while yawning widely. Before standing up she stretched her legs and back and then stood up. All her clothes were already laid out for her so all she needed to do is shower and brush her teeth. She walked across the hall to the bathroom and she looked in the mirror. "Today will be a great day! I will do the best I can, and I will love myself." she said while staring deep into her eyes in the mirror. She used the bathroom and then got undressed. Moving over to the shower she reached in and turned the knob so the water would warm up. Reaching over she grabbed her towel and hung it on the hook outside the walk in shower door. Slipping into the already steaming shower felt amazing on her skin. She stood under the shower head just letting the warm water hit her in the face and then she turned so it would massage her back. Grabbing the shower gel she scrubbed the dirt of yesterday off of her body and let the heavy energy risen off of her and run down the drain. She was feeling so relaxed she just stood there in under the water fall, the weight of the world was not as heavy in here she thought. She grabbed here shampoo and she lathered it into her hair and let it set for a second or two before letting it run down her body to the drain. Spinning around she turned the water off and just stood there letting the water drip of her before opening the door and wrapping her towel around herself. Stepping out she walked to the mirror and wiped it off with the corner of her towel. She stared at her face and started to pick apart everything about it she did not like. Her eyes were to close together, her nose to wide, her lips not plump enough, and she hated her smile. Her mind still racing she thought, "How can anyone ever love me, I can not even love myself no matter how hard I try." She took a deep breath and just finished getting ready. She brushed her teeth, did her hair and make up and they walked back across the hall to her bedroom wearing her towel. After getting dressed she grabbed her backpack and headed downstairs to meet her mother in the kitchen.

"Good Morning Mom, How are you this morning?', she asked. Her mom was standing at the stove plated some eggs and bacon for her. "Oh good morning my sweet Alexis, I am fine! How are you? Are you ready for the first day of your last year of high school she asked." She walked over to the table where I just set down. As she placed my breakfast in front of me, she bent down and kissed my head. " I am ready for this last adventure Mom. I have my classes and feel that this will be a great year." I took a bite of my eggs and then drank some oj. "I am happy you are excited Alexis!" she said. Have you decided if you still want to play in the band again this year or do you want to do a sport?" she asked. "I am not sure yet, I have some AP classes this year and I may want to just focus on my studies. I will probably play the saxophone again this year and I am still playing the violin here at home. I love it and just can not give it up yet. Just wish I could play it at school instead of the saxophone but the violin does not go with the marching band very well. I laughed" She laughed at my joke and started to clean up the table while i finished my juice and bacon. Well, I have to head out or I will be late for my first day, I stood up and pushed my chair in. " I love you Mom, I said as I kissed her cheek before grabbing my bag and heading toward the door. My mom yelled to me, I Love you and have a great day! Be careful driving this morning it will be crazy out there with all the cars and buses. she said. I yell back " I will I promise and run out the front door.

Alexis drove the 4 blocks to the high school and parked in her assigned parking spot. As she put her car in park and turned off the ignition, she looked in the rear-view mirror and caught the reflection of her face. She sat there and stared into her own eyes and she could see the darkness in them. Alexis had been hiding a secret from her summer that has made her start to question her whole existence. When she went to this summer camp for performing arts in New York this summer she met someone. Not just anyone but this amazing person. She thought about the time she shared with this person often. The time she shared remained a secret from all but the two people involved. Alexis was not sure how to explain this to her family and she was not even sure how she felt about it. You see the person she met was name Ava. It was a girl and she was a girl and the way she was raised this was not normal. This is the darkness that Alexis was carrying with her since she came home. Was she gay? Was she really in love with a girl or was this just a phase as her grandmother said about her cousin Michael who the whole family knew was as gay as they come. This was really weighing her down and her mind was thinking to hard for so early in the morning. She shock her head to break the strong connection she had with her thoughts and just smiled as she inhaled deep and let it out. It was time to get inside so she opened the door, stepped outside and then reached over to grab her backpack and then shut the front door. She slowly but her bag over her shoulder and then opened the back door to grab not only her saxophone but also her violin case. After shutting and locking her car, Alexis turned to face the start of her last year in High School hell. Whispering to herself, she thought well here goes nothing I guess.

She entered the building and pushed her way through the crowded hallways. Students were talking in the hallway catching up on their summers with friends and new freshman were wandering around trying to find their lockers. Alexis was lucky she did not have to go far this year to get to her locker. It was the first group next to the front door. That was a great thing because these instrument cases were so heavy. She set down her cases and looked up her locker combo on her class schedule. As she turned the numbers 4385 she heard the click and then her locker door popped open. She stuffed the cases in her locker and shut the door hard. Now she had time to kill before the first class. Most of her classes this year were AP classes. Alexis was very intelligent maybe because all she did was study hard. When she was not studying you could find her playing the sax in the school band or practicing the violin. This year she was excited about only one class, independent study hour. Alexis made arrangements with the band teacher Mr. Griffin to use the band room for that hour so she could practice the violin. She was determined to get into one of the performing arts programs somewhere. To her music was everything and she did not really ever make real friends. Sure she had her band friends or her Scholar bowl group but she was a loner and never really liked people. She was very content being with the music. It was her soul and it spoke to her heart and mind. When she played it was like the music was raving inside her body and shooting out into the world to caress someone else's soul. It was her one true passion. She was only happy when she played.

The bell rang and it was time to head to the first class of the day. For Alexis this would be AP History. She walked into the room and found a seat close to the front. She settled in to your seat and took out her new notebook and her favorite teal pen. The class room was buzzing with chatter while kids chose their seats. Alexis smiled at the guy that sat down next to her. He smiled back and said, Hi you are Alexis right? She looked shocked as she replied, Yes I am. I am sorry but I don't think I know you? He smiled and gave a little laugh, "You don't but I have heard you play the violin at a concert my grandmother put on at the art museum in town last year. My name is Jaxon, I just moved here to stay with my grandmother for awhile." Getting a little excited she said, Oh your grandmother must be Mrs. Anderson. She is friends with my Grandma Johnson. She is such a nice lady and she can play the piano like no one else I know." Jaxon smiled really big and said quickly, "You have not heard me play yet!" Pushing her glasses up on her nose, Alexis was so happy to hear him say he played piano. "I guess we will have to play together some time, she said with a flirty grin. Just then the teacher walked into the room, "OK people lets find our seats and stop the chatter, We will have a lot to cover this quarter so let's not waste time. They do not call this AP History for nothing, he laughed. As the class started they were all taking notes but Alexis noticed that Jaxon was staring at her in-between writing. This was a weird feeling for her. After the summer she had she did not think that she was into boys but here she was thinking about how cute his dimple was and how handsome he was. This made her even more confused about her life. Ugh why could things not be easy.

The bell rang and it was time for the next class, she gathered up her things and started to head toward the door to leave when she heard her name coming from behind her, "Alexis wait up what is your next class?, Jaxon asked quickly as he took large steps to catch up with her. "I have AP Chemistry followed by AP Calculus, then I have my independent study hour. That is my favorite hour of the day because I am using it for my violin. He smiled and said I have all the same classes as you except my independent study time is being used for computer programming. It is my passion." Alexis looked confused, "Music is not your passion?" He shook his head, "No music is my hobby. I had to realize that music will not pay my bills so I was forced to find a passion that would support me someday." She looked at him in disbelief, "Music can pay the bills if you work at it", she said strongly. "Well we will just have to agree to disagree on this one I guess, he said smugly. They both just laughed and walked down the hall to the next class.

The next two hours went by so slowly. Alexis was getting antsy because all she wanted to do is play music. She was a great student, but she was only happy when she had that bow in her hand and that beautiful piece of wood under her chin. The bell rang and she did not waste any time getting out of the classroom. She did not wait for Jaxon to walk with her, she looked like she was flying done the hall to her locker. She opened it quickly and through her backpack in where she just lifted her violin case out of. She shut the locker door so fast it slammed. She walked so fast to the music room that she was flushed and hot. As she opened the door she felt a sense of peace starting to over take her mind and body. Seating her case down she carefully opened it and picked up the violin with such gentleness like it was made of glass. Reaching down she softly rubbed her hand down the bow before picking it up. This was like her one true love, like her baby. She could not see her life without this amazing instrument. She did not need a music stand because she always played from the heart.

To Alexis music was the window to her soul. It was the one thing that she could do without thinking. Feel of the violin resting on her chin and shoulder was like it was hugging her and the way the bow caressed the strings as she moved her hand back and fourth was very sexual. If made her whole body tingle. After playing a few runs to warm up, she started to play. As soon as the first stroke across the strings, she could feel the music taking control of her and she closed her eyes and just let the music do the work. The legato was smooth and flowed like waves on the ocean. She could feel the vibration of each note in her body.The music swirled around her like the autumn wind. It caressed her in ways that she never knew could be felt. The build of the notes made her insides tense up and she felt the release of pleasure when the she played the spiccato. The music bounced around her and she felt complete peace in her life. Nothing else matter when she was lost in the notes that flooded her mind. She could see the next chord flash in her eyes and she moved the bow back and fourth sliding it over the strings with such gentleness yet force. Alexis was lost in the joy of the beautiful sounds coming out of the small instrument she held.

Being one with the music and having her eyes closed, Alexis did not notice that a girl had come into the room. She was walking by and was drawn in by the beautiful sensual music coming from Alexis. The girl just stood there watching Alexis play and she just smiled with pure joy. The music was so transportive. It took her to cloud nine. As the last note hit the string and Alexis lowered her bow the girl started to clap. Alexis jumped, she did not realize that she had an audience. She looked up and said, "Oh sorry I did not know you were there." The girl smiled and said, "I am sorry I did not mean to startle you. I was walking by and the music just spoke to me. I had to come in and listen. Oh I am Olivia by the way. Nice to meet you." "Hi Olivia, I am Alexis. What class are you in right now?, she asked this new mystery girl. " I am in my independent study time. I am supposed to be working on the newspaper but I had to go to the bathroom. I play the Cello, and I practice all the time and still have never played like that, she said. "I feel the music in my soul and it dances in my mind so when I pick up my violin and play it just radiates out of me. It is the one time I feel nothing but pure happiness, said Alexis. "Well it sure shows because that was just breath taking said Olivia as she smiled and blushed a little. She looked down and said well I have to get back before I get in trouble. It was so nice to meet you. I would love to play with you some time if you want, she said before slowly striding to the door. Alexis looked at her and smiled, I would like that. Just catch me after school and I will give you my number. "Ok I will see you after school, Olivia said before leaving the room.

Alexis felt warmth coming from her face. She knew that she was blushed and she could not stop thinking about Olivia's smile. She shook her body out and refocused her attention back to the violin. As she raised her brow and tucked the violin under her chin she took a deep breath and then let it out. The first note came from the instrument, and once again Alexis was transported into the sheet music of her mind. She walked through the streets and and danced while the notes spring out of the her fingers. When she was in the music she was not afraid to be herself. She could love who she wanted, kissed who she wanted, and danced with whoever she felt like shaking your ass with. Each note represented a piece of the person she was inside but was to scared to show the world. Alexis knew she was different than the other kids in her social group and she understood that opening up to her family about her sexual feelings could be the end of lots of things, so inside she saved all her feelings and let them out when she played. This is why she was so good in her opinion. Years of living in the music has made her an amazing artist. She played for another 10 minutes and then the bell rang and she had to get moving to her next class.