Grief

There's no time limit when it comes to grief
It's such a weird experience
I remember when my dad died it felt so surreal
It was like being in a fucked up nightmare
I woke up every morning after he passed
with a horrible empty feeling in my stomach
It's like when you have a butterfly when you are nervous. or when you smoke cigarettes and you need one, it's like being thirsty but drinking water and still being thirsty or it is a big empty ball just in my stomach.
I was white as a ghost for weeks that's how bad it felt it was rough.
Its been 13 years and I'm still grieving, il never get over losing my dad but I have learned to live with it
It's a bit different with our situation as my dad got murdered and My mam said it would probably be a little bit different if he died from cancer or if he got knocked down then we might have moved on differently but with murder, there are so many unanswered questions that we will never know the answer to and its shit.
When he died I was 21 and he passed away on the 4th of march my birthday is the 7th of march so my birthday that year I got to see my dad in a morgue it was horrible, I remember my mam saying oh gill it's your birthday and I said shush ma because if anybody says happy birthday I will cry,
I went through different stages of grief and I have changed so much as a person most of my friends are married or engaged and I'm single but I'm ok with that, iv had to go through some tough times that they would never understand because their life has been kinda easier than mine and that's ok but I feel like they were doing the traditional things while I was just trying to survive, I ended up on drugs and in trouble with the police and had bad relationships where men abused me but I'm in recovery the last two years and for the first time in as long as I can remember I feel happy, Life is good I have a nice house and my two kids are healthy and happy and I'm living life, I think my dad would be proud of me for turning things around, well I hope he is anyways