Break the Cycle

Sometimes, you realize cruelty and love go hand in hand, punishment and adoration are two sides of one coin.

And they shouldn’t be. I wish I could let it go. Love you with every ounce of my being .

But there was cruelty in you that bled out in bitterness and control. You would say “I love you” in the same breath as you would tell me “but you hated me too”.

You hated the way I would speak back.

But I spoke back for the reasons you taught me. I was not supposed to be silent in the face of bullies.

I love you, but when you are happy, something in me rises.

It is a dark side I don’t even recognize.

I use logic and history to break your happy moment. Remind you of what you heaped upon me, said to keep me locked in a box. I punish you with cruelty hidden under a veneer of advice and gentleness.

And I recognize what I am.

A mirror of you.

I am what you created me to be. And I am ashamed.

This is the price of childhood grown into adulthood and I pray that I don’t pass on the same curse.

Maybe my understanding is the enlightenment needed to not feel bitter when you start singing about the very things you tried to tear out of me.

We have to put a stop to this. This vicious cycle of abuse that we hide in false support and concern. You don’t have control over me anymore and I need to stop trying to make you feel the cost of your chains.

My cruelty is not my gain and it doesn’t erase my pain.

I am tired of bleeding us both.

What is the point.