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Rated: 13+ · Fiction · Sci-fi · #2294783
A parody of the 1965 television series "Lost in Space" pilot episode.
"Loused Up in Space"

(based on the 1965 pilot episode of the TV series "Lost in Space"

by John S. Gebbia, III

Word Count: 334

         Okay, okay, OKAY! Listen to this shit! There I am, all safe and sound, frozen in my freezing tube there on the Jupiter Two, minding my own business, sleepin' off my hangover from that killer 'Blast-Off' party they had last night, when suddenly, outta nowhere the damn tube defrosts, and I'm standing there next to my sister Penny with a headache that would kill an OX! There's some guy in an Air Force uniform going 'the pain, the pain...my back is a disaster area today!' like some wimpy little girl; and our robot is having a conniption fit and smashing everything!

         Alright...none of this crap makes any sense at all! I mean...we're supposed to be on our way to Alpha Centauri, and I wake up to this bullshit?? C'mon! What the hell?

         Holy Mother of God! The damn robot's kicking the crap outta my dad and that pilot guy I met like five minutes before liftoff! I know that he looks familiar, but I can't remember why. All I know for sure is that before we blasted off he said 'if you wake up and see me flying, you'll know we're in trouble!' Well this sure looks like trouble to me! And this guy isn't even behind the wheel yet!

         Holy freaking CRAP! Now there are big balls of tin foil bouncing off the ship! What next, man?? What the frak is going on??

         Oh, lovely! Juuuuust lovely! Now we're all out of control, and 'pilot guy' isn't even even driving!! Oh, wait! Finally! Thank the Lords of Kobol (or whatever they're gonna say on 'Battlestar Galactica' like ten years from now), He's going to the control panel and starting to drive the freakin' ship!

         Wait a second! Just wait a second! Now I know why that pilot guy looks familiar! What genius at Alpha Control approved this guy for duty? Why the hell would they even think of giving the keys to this space jalopy to the guy who already crashed the Jupiter ONE!!

         It was in that one, terrifying moment that this 10-year-old Atheist Space-traveller discovered God!!

(the beginning of) THE END

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