by Dave Ryan
Dialogue 500 entry. A Conversation With An Alien Species
"OK, here they come. Is that damn thing working?"
"Uh, sure. A few teething troubles, but we'll manage."
"A FEW TEETHING TROUBLES? You gotta be fu... Shit, they're here!"
"POLARK, G'NEBBRLE HORAK!"
"What did that box just say, F'Narg?"
"It's their translator machine. I think it said 'Shit, they're here!'"
"Well, that's just bloody marvellous! 380 light years and that's the welcome we get. How does it work?"
"You speak into this thing here. It converts our language to theirs. It's a microphone."
"I know what a bloody microphone is, I'm not totally stupid!"
"Don't take that attitude with me, you grumpy old bugger!"
"DON'T TAKE THAT ATTITUDE WITH ME, YOU GRUMPY OLD BUGGER!"
"Did that slimeball just call me a grumpy old bugger?"
"There might be something wrong with the machine. Just let me check...um...it might need adjusting."
"Adjusting! You've had months to get this bloody thing working!"
"It's a sensitive piece of kit - maybe it's not been properly calibrated."
"So what the hell are you going to do about it?"
"PRAG ER'NAK FREL TEREG LATTRAK?"
"You want to know what I'm going to do about it, you little pink blob of mucus? How about I blast this pisspot little planet of yours to rubble?"
"Um...I think they might be having some trouble with their machine."
"They'll be having trouble with a damn sight more than their machine if they don't watch their attitude."
"I think he needs to fix this loose connection and plug this cable in the back slot."
"YOU'VE GOT A SCREW LOOSE. STICK YOUR CABLE IN YOUR ASS."
"That's the first thing they've said that I agree with. Do you have the slightest idea what you're doing down there?"
"I think I've got it. There, try it now."
"This better work." "Mr Ambassador, I believe we might have got off on the wrong foot. Allow me to apologise."
"CRAZOK LAR N'TORG ERAK NOREG TELAG"
"He wants to apologise for 'getting off' on my foot? What kind of a pervert are we dealing with here? I knew we should have given this hick solar system a wide berth. This sucker's really rubbing me up the wrong way."
"RUB MY SUCKERS...RUB MY SUCKERS..RRRRUB RUB RUB MY SUCKUCKUCKUCKUC................."
"Um...I think it's rebooting..."
"Thank God for that!"
"Right, it's back up. Give it another go."
"Mr Ambassador, welcome to planet Earth."
"DRIK GAR'NIK RALOK G'NORAD PRERIG."
"'My grandmother's ovipositor is charmingly turquoise for the time of year'? What the hell are they babbling about now? They're all bloody mad! Screw you, you gibbering cretin!"
"IT IS A GREAT PLEASURE TO BE HERE."
"Aha! I think it's working now."