PROFESSIONAL JEALOUSY

         Is Conrad Teitell dead? Did he ever exist in the first place? I have a copy of the forty-fifth annual edition of his Minister's Guide for Income Tax, this one being for the year 2000. It is a gem of a book, a five-by-eight paperback of seventy pages.

         The title page tells us that Conrad holds, or held, a LL.B., and a LL.M., but I have no idea what they are. Normally such books are written by lawyers and accountants, but I suspect there is some connection to the divinity here. Why does "LL" not contain a period after the first "L"? Could the letters mean "Little Louis"?

         The book is copyrighted by Conrad in 2000. So Conrad must have still been kicking two years ago. Gone is the personal thanks he gave to Gordon Smith of the Ministers and Missionaries Board of the American Baptist Churches in the USA, and to Arthur Markowitz of the New York Bar for assistance. That blurb was in the 1997 edition, but is there no longer. Are these gentlemen no more?

         It would have been nice if there were a photograph of Conrad on the back page, just as it would be nice to see J.K. Lasser, author of Your Federal Income Tax. It would be reassuring to know that Willie Nelson didn't write these books.

         Ah, but what is lost can be found with the help of the Internet. Inspiration hit me and I typed "Teitell" into a search block on Google and found that not only was he alive, but he was a partner in a law firm in Connecticut. The search referred me to that firm's web page, I clicked the reference and lo' and behold, a wonderful photograph popped up and there was some hint of his age in his bio.

         He had his own web-site too but that was more self-congratulatory, though I did learn that he had spoken on PBS. More than likely I missed him for fear I would tune in and find a fund raiser had broken out.

         I should have known the mysterious initials concerned the practice of law. These were bestowed upon him by Columbia in 1957; he received his A.B. from Michigan in 1954. Is an A.B. the same as a B.A.? No matter! Boggles my mind that he wrote his masterpiece in his mid-20s, and make no mistake about it, "Minister's Guide" is a masterpiece. It is conversational and written in layman's terms, if a minister may be called a layman.

         The photograph floored me. Aside from being follicly challenged, as we say politely today, this man looked so young and vigorous. My rule of thumb is to add ten to fifteen years to any photo plugging a singer, musician, or author but I am sure this picture is accurate.

         I had this vision of Teitell looking like Durer's etching of St. Jerome, sitting in his study, head down, writing and contemplating, and bringing tax happiness to his flock. The man in the photograph looks like someone too dynamic to put up with the lions sitting in front of the writing table. He'd shoo them out of the house fast.

         Now I wonder if Mr. Teitell will write a Guide for 2001. A client, a man I termed a 'man of the cloth' on the 1040 line for occupation, used to give me a copy every year. He retired in 1998 and sees little reason to provide me an updated edition. I managed to obtain one last year from another retired clergyman, but I do not want to continue to rely on charity.

         If there is a coming edition, it will be number forty-six. FORTY-SIX! Admittedly he has rewritten the same book that many times, but he has outlasted so many things. We might say he was the first niche marketer, and he continues after so many moved on to other niches.

         Funny day. I began this morning thinking of Jake Gittes, Peachy Carnahan, and George the Hairdresser. Cash their common denominator, all were handed their lunch by the power of money, big money, dirty money, really foul money. I then saw my copy of Minister's Guide and realized that in the meantime, Conrad mined his vein and no one bothered him. The niche, that is the key. Now if I can only interest a publisher in Taxes For Blowhards, Fools and Outright Liars.