Two old friends meet on a bus going shopping
|This story is dedicated to my Mum. She encouraged me through the dreaded writer's block to write this dialogue.
Dialogue between 2 matronly English women, Maisie and Doris, meeting on a bus and travelling to their destination together.
"'ello Maisie, didn't 'spect to see you 'ere !"
"Oh !! Doris. Wotta nice surprise. I 'aven't bumped into you since Albert's fooneral las'Settember."
" You goin' to Kempton market ?
I always go Fursday to get the fruit and veg for the weekend."
"Yeh, I'm going to Kempton for some things our Jackie wants. You remember Jackie, don'tcha ? My daughter-in-law. Lives at my 'ouse. Married to our Kev she is, but she's laid up wif a bad back just now. Too much 'anky-panky I reckon. You can hear 'em at it every night. Don't know 'ow they 'ave the en'gy. Good job my old man's deaf."
"Aw my gawd Maise! what does this bus driver think 'e's doin' ?
We'll end up on the floor if he goes round anuvver corner at that speed."
"D'you think he's akchurly got a driving licence Doris ? Maybe 'e's only a part-timer, do they need a driving licence if they're only part-time ?"
"No wonder there's no-one else on the bus Em, reckon they've all got off and walked, don't blame 'em neiver, might get off meself soon !"
"Bloody 'ell!!! I fort we were s'posed to stop at red lights"
"Go 'n' tell 'im Maise, goo on, tell 'im to slow down, I'm getting real sea-sick 'ere !"
"Go tell 'im yerself Doris, I don't feel sick, but there again I used to like roller-coasters, same difference I s'pose"
"Is your Jack still doin' DIY, Maise ?"
"Not if I can 'elp it, no 'e don't ! We call it KY in our 'ouse. Kill yerself. Jack's specialty is 'lectrics…………..anyfing from changing a light bulb to switching on the kettle and 'e'll blow it up some'ow. We all run for cover when 'e gets 'is tool-box out !
D'you know what 'e did last week ? We got new neighbies next door and the day they moved in Jack was on the prowl to find summat to destroy. I managed to steer 'im clear of the iron, the toaster, the coffee machine and the kettul, but I was fightin' a losin' ba'le. He was 'termined to find a little job that didn' need doing. Any'ow, I went upstairs to the loo. I only let 'im out my sight for a few minits but 'e spied the new ones moving in. When I came down he was already introducing 'imself. Then I 'eard those dreaded words………………..Can I do anything to help ?
Shivers went down my spine and I froze to the floor.
By the time I got outside to grab 'im he was inside their 'ouse."
"Goo'on Maise what 'appened next ?"
"Well…….they asked 'im if 'e'd help put up some shelves. 'E was in ' is element. They gave 'im a power drill and showed 'im where they wanted the shelves to go.
B I G mistake ! But I was too late to warn 'em. 'E must 'ave thought all 'is Christmases 'ad come at once. We N E V E R.....
E V E R ....let him look at a power drill, let alone give 'im permission to use one. Anyway to make a short story long…………………..'e drilled 4 'oles…..no problem……..number 5 ……………OOPS !!!! Water spurted out of the hole directly onto the tele which the kids were watchin' to keep 'em quiet and out the way while the adults worked
The kids are screamin', there's wor'er all over the new carpet, Mum & Dad are rushin' around wiv buckets and towels and mops and our Jack and the 'lectric drill are steeped in water. Well...... you know that when electric and water mix.... they sort of set up a sort of a battle. Well, they did and our Jack was still holding the drill. Aparently he shuddered and shook, 'is 'air, what there is left of it at any rate, stood on end and steam and smoke rose from 'is trousers. Then, all the lights went out. Not just in their 'ouse but ours as well. That was a good thing, 'cos Jack dropped the drill and sat down on the wet floor, which put out the fire in his trousers.
The fire brigade turned up so did the ambulance. They carted Jack off to 'ospital and the firemen started to clear up the mess."
"Is 'e alrite now ?"
"Yeh, 'e's OK, but the neighbours had to move ou' again until the darnstairs was dried out and the 'ouse was re-wired. They needed a new tele, carpet and 'lectric drill, plus part of the wall had to be re-plastered, the holed pipe was replaced and Jack was barred. Mind you I don't really think it's fair to blame Jack entirely. Why was there a water pipe in the sitting room ? But there yer go, that's life !
Enough about me and mine. Is your 'usband doing any DIY at the moment ?"
"That'd be rahver difficult atchilly Maise. He's sittin' in a alabaster pot on the mantlepiece. 'es been there since last December, tragic accident, silly bugger insisted on fixing somethin' in the roof-space, he missed his footin', slipped between the joists, straight frew the barfroom ceilin' and ended up in the barf of water he'd just run………drownd-ed he did…… ……oh look, here we are. Kempton.
Well I fink we should go and get a coffee 'fore we start shoppin' and when we leave here, let's try and not get on this bus from hell. I'm surprised we got 'ere in one piece."
"C'mon I'm thirsty. Let's go over the Red Lion instead. I could murder a G & T."