*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/799664-The-Many-Stages-of-Hugh
Rated: ASR · Essay · Satire · #799664
A brief explanation of human behavior.
Earlier this week Hugh Heffner made the news when he announced he is in “blonde stage”. Furthermore, he believes, he and Brittany Spears make a great match. A great match? A great match is Jennifer Capriati and Monica Seles stoking it out in NYC during the quarterfinal round at the U.S. Open. Not some old geezer and a 23-year-old pop star hardbody. I’m guessing they would make a great match at the grandfather/great-granddaughter picnic. Maybe that’s what Hugh was talking about. CNN flashed a split-screen image of Brittany on the left, and Hugh, in all his wrinkles, on the right…just in case I was wondering what a great match might look like. The picture had a voice over of Hugh saying he was going through his “blonde stage”. What a lame excuse! Trying to pawn off perverted behavior with a ‘stage’. Stages are well-defined behavioral patterns humans experience when growing, maturing, or dealing with life’s curveballs.

My mind involuntarily conjured up a very unpleasant picture of Hugh and Brittany. I was disgusted and appalled by the image, which had forced its way into my brain. How did such a trivial piece of information find its way to CNN Headline News? Hugh’s seventy-seven year old body should be concentrating on other issues. My fingers found the remote. I quickly changed the channel.

However, later that night, or I should say two AM in the morning, hit with insomnia, I suddenly saw the clarity of Hugh’s wise logic. It was an immediate revelation, causing me to evaluate my original analysis. Any behavior, my now clear mind saw, could be categorized into what I now am calling Hugh’s Stages. It doesn’t matter if the behavior is good or bad, rational or irrational, wanted or unwanted. All of it is simply part of one stage or another. These stages aren’t just mere stabs at rationalizing strange, or even normal behaviors, but they are real explanations providing spotlights into the very depths of one’s soul, stages, I now determined were a ‘good thing’.

I rose early the next morning with the impulse to scramble eggs for my two daughters. Obviously in my compulsive cooking stage. The girls shoveled down their morning meal with gusto. Clear evidence my culinary efforts were appreciated. Nevertheless, they forgot to say ‘thank-you Mom.’ Maybe they weren’t fully experiencing their gratification stages.

Arriving to work, I immediately noticed an unusually large pile of paperwork sitting in my chair. “What on Earth?” I mumbled inspecting the stack. Charles, my boss who at that very moment was boarding a plane headed for the Caribbean to kick off his week long vacation, had so thoughtfully left me busy work. Flexing his in-charge muscles, even in his absence, I guess he was in his boss stage. How could he even come up with this much work? The insomnia stage must have attacked him last night too. As I examined the paperwork, I reflected; Can you experience two stages at once? Another look at the pile answered the question for me. Yes, you can. Not wanting to miss out on the boss stage myself, I gathered up the pile and selected only those projects I wanted to work on, leaving the rest for my employees. With a quickly typed memo, I was in my delegate-this out-stage.

As I pondered on my newfound revelations, two things came to mind: One, I wondered if Hugh’s blonde stage had in fact been inspired by Brittany’s annulment to Jason Alexander. Maybe to him, this signaled her obvious dislike of young men. And two: I’d have to email Hugh a thank-you note. Mr. Heffner has inadvertently alleviated my need to ‘explain’ myself or my actions to those around me. (Not to say I constantly feel the need to justify my behavior.) Now, I just say it’s a stage, thus making it alright.

OT author’s note: Usually, I avoid the overuse of one particular word when writing, however, I think in this essay it works...especially since I’m in the midst of my repetitive stage.
© Copyright 2004 NanoWriMo2018 Into the Earth (twinsis at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
Writing.Com, its affiliates and syndicates have been granted non-exclusive rights to display this work.
Log in to Leave Feedback
Username:
Password: <Show>
Not a Member?
Signup right now, for free!
All accounts include:
*Bullet* FREE Email @Writing.Com!
*Bullet* FREE Portfolio Services!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/799664-The-Many-Stages-of-Hugh