The One You've Been Waiting For

The following is an excerpt newsletter of a mock political campaign i conducted during the 2001 presidential election. It was basically an excuse for me to rant in email "newsletters" to an audience that never at any point exceeded four readers (however the campaign did earn me a single write in vote for a public office). The original name of the campaign is omitted here, and is replaced with a more public friendly name that more public friendly people can identify with: MMMBurger. You can't get any more All-American than that! I also censored the swear words using undetectable and unnoticeable parentheses. And now, the excerpt:

"Okay this is it, the moment you have all been waiting for...MMMBurger is BACK!!! I've taken a hiatus from my long ranting campaign to attend to the finer things in life; metallurgy, seismology, cryptographs, hieroglyphs, seismographs, seismoglyphs, cryptic cardiographs, cleptic cryptoglyphs, marine science biology, army science biology, cryptic seismographic biology, the study of marines studying heiroglyphic encrypted metallurged biology of seismographs, geometric marines encrypting studies of biological heiroglyphic cardiographs, the biology of heirographic cryptoglyphic cardioid seismobiological scientific armies, heirocardioid graphical metal glyphs on cuneigraph tablets, graphical cardiocrypts under cuneigraphic tabloids, digital glyphic armies studying the marines of cryptoseismological unpaid tablets, also paid tablets, also ROID tablets, and also paid for tablets, and lastly of course the Zarathustra Blowjob(© 1994 C3F, all rights reserved), but now playtime is over.

Now that I am back, things are going to start getting back on trail. If you thought things were going good before, wait until you see what I have in store for the near future. I have all new ideas and creations, each with its own specific purpose that I am sure you will absolutely love...you HAVE to love it...how could you not love MMMBurger? Are you rich enough not to love MMMBurger?! Of course you're not. If you were, you wouldn't NEED MMMBurger and it's obvious you probably do, since you're receiving this. I figured, since there is so much mad in the world (present company excluded but then again I am only speaking for myself), not that there's anything wrong with that, but in reality since there IS so much mad in the world, there is an awful lot of subjective insertion. Why not have a literary instead of a subjective insertion? Better yet, why not have a literary insertion with the same type of NAME as the latter? That is MMMBurger. You need it if you are that way or not.

Nobody is rich enough where they don't need literary subjective insertion, and I have yet to meet one person who would challenge me in this matter. This does not mean reciting literary notions into an overly active imagination, although that in and of itself might have interesting effects. No, this is deeper than that...yes, deeper than somebody's imagination. Everybody needs this deepness. If everybody needs it, and nobody is rich enough, then I guess you are a poor boy.

So who ISN'T a poor boy? Aside from myself, who could be one or not. However, what I am talking about is probably nothing with what you need to concern yourself. Not that you could understand what I am saying, because I doubt you could understand it anymore than I could myself. So why keep going ON?!? I am as much as anybody else. I don't want to squeeze the sponge* too hard..do you?? I mean your OWN, not mine. Nobody squeezes mine, not even ME. I'm just that much of a (SOMETHING!!) pile. A piece of (CAN'T SAY!!!) pile. A (REALLY SECRET!!!) pile of pieces. A pile of pieces of (UNABLE TO SHOW!!).

You should treat this message as if having gotten out of a shower. A sterling silver shower. A sterling shower of MMMBurger. Now you are extremely clean and ready to take on the world by the seat of your face. Man ALIVE I got face!!!!!!! MMMBurger is a friend to the world and a world of a friend. Friends have worlds just like anybody else!!! My friend is a whole world because there are different languages spoken in my friend, and sometimes they have troubles with the understanding...thankfully we can't hear any of these things. I think you'd go crazy if you heard them. Can you just imagine?? Little creatures sitting across from each other, barking things at each other like 'SCAB!', 'STAINED!', or.....'VLEMISH!!!"'

Wow...I can't think of anything more crazy or exciting than that!!!! It's the new body language. I am a body linguist. Well, no I'm not...but somebody out there is. And it is your job to find them. If somebody comes up to you and tells you they are a body linguist, tell them about MMMBurger....or better yet, ask them to tell YOU about it. Because all of a sudden they'll know....and you can share. If you think somebody needs to read this, pass it on, but let me know...because this is ahead of its time, and there is only one kind of mind.

MMMBurger.

*Sponge: the proverbial inspiration. you soak your sponge, you get inspiration. you squeeze your sponge, you create."