For Her

for her

for you it all came out
for you i lied it all on the line
every single time i spoke
every single time i broke
myself into bits trying to understand
where you were coming from
i shrugged it off
i dismissed you a dream
my dream my fantastical orgasm
lingering on the outskirts of a road i never bothered to take
my mistake
your break from this useless thing we called relationship
we called it nothing actually
we called it nothing forever
until finally i called it something
i called it you and me
walking together in a bright sunny day of our living breathing memory
i called it aids
i called it a scare
i called it your dare
i called it your failure
i called it my inability to explain
i called it my distasteful dislike of my "dysfunctional" family
who were after all very functional in their own way
i called it my brother
or my perception of his words
telling me very clearly that you were
going to get aids
i called it bullshit
i called it rational thought
i called it screaming around my house
at 9 AM on a friday
screaming for you to hear me
to run to a drug clinic anywhere
to find out about that disease
and no you didn't actually have it
and maybe i just got too scared
screaming and screaming
playing your number on my guitar
willing myself to find it
i called it
calling you
over and over and over
for your whole fucking life
and you didn't hear me
and we didn't hear each other
i called it love
you called it nothing
you called it love
i called it nothing
i called it friendship
i called it what i needed to be
i called it calming down
i called it accepting
the reality
of living with you
living with aids
for the rest of our lives together
when we finally met
i called it massaging
i called it bathing
sitting, not crying
listening for your realization
i called it loving you
i called it taking care of you forever
i called it knowing they would a cure soon anyway
i called it believing
i called it hoping
i clung to it, what i called it
i clung to the sound of your voice
your heart beat
breaking against it mine
you called it impatience
i called it clarity
and finally you called me
and i called it truth
i called it hope
i called it something else when i knew
that every conversation i'd ever had with you
had been the most important of my life
but i called it lack of faith
i called it unable to understand
i called and called and called
but you stopped hearing me
after two years, you finally stopped listening
and despite my knowlege
that i was now listening very closely
it was, as they say, too late
i called it dream
i called it release
i called it over
i called it relief
thanks for freeing me

thanks for the coy words
for writing you want me and then taking it back
like you always did
for wanting me in words, but not in body
thanks for therapy
thanks for paranoid
thanks for rational
thanks for nothing
thanks for everything
thanks for letting go
thanks for moving on

i called it bitter
i called it over
i called it release
i called it joy
i called it sadness
but i called it all for her