Regret and loss of loved ones |
If I Had A Moment If I had one day that I could live again, or one moment to redo.. There is absolutely no question which day I would change to new. It would be the month of March in the year two thousand three when I made that fateful call and let known chaos in to hurt me... I expected honor and integrity from one I knew as 'lying thief' when it came to his children, their welfare first instead of grief. I was backed against a wall with nowhere left to turn and just like his rotten self he began my soul to burn. He of course coerced whatever else he could get from me promising to leave all three of us homeless in the streets, if I did not give to him temporary custodial rights to be owner of the condescending power to hold over me. I trusted this was right by and for my children's life. But found instead I should have fought and went on welfare whether or not it cost me my pride in vain. Now instead we pay in pain. He robs us of joyful times and love then continues to push and shove. Taking innocence that can never be returned to my children and to me. Time and life await no one marching on in retribution, babies grow with unseen scars as courts and lawyers play their farce from evidence not proven, but heresy while he beats me down to eventually break the spirit he said he would, so long ago along with my tenacious, fighting, stronger soul. I bruised his ego; defied his wrath and left him to sit in the aftermath in his own earned and low shame knowing it was his own to claim. And as my life has shown to me empty are the halls of honesty for they fall upon closed deaf ears haunted dreams for many years. Lies take the coat of truth as they appear more real and logical than the sheer fantastic reality of what matters most disappearing as a thin white ghost. If I could change just one moment in my life it would be the one I took as his ex wife, to call and ask for help as any parent should so that our children were fed and really could learn to live in laughter instead of tears without hunger staining younger years and feel safe with a house and home instead of afraid, homeless and alone. My self contempt created by lack of vision as I trusted a known liar without question ignoring the sharp pain in my gut that I feel daily now with disgust because I actually gave him the tool handed him the key in madness to rule my daughters lives as well my own our wounds unseen or never shown. Now I live in an urn overflowing with tears because I decided to ignore my fears, my own intuition that steered me away from ever regretting this fateful day... For I chose not to listen to the voice inside that knows- without reason without rhyme future, present and the past truth- instead of lies he cast. and so it goes ... ****************************************************************
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