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Join a mysterious band of explorers as they mysteriously explore a mysterious ruin... |
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A story is unfolding... and YOU will write the next line! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** The Chameleon's Courthouse ye wayfarers chase, But these clues you must notice or else miss the place. What's green in the morning but gold in the dusk? What's gold in the pot but green in the husk? Follow the wings and the rain and the fire, If finding the lizard is what you desire. The Champagne Lounge Auntie found the trio in the Champagne Lounge, a room just off the Cork Screw Corridor. They were listening to Joy explain her story. It was apparently touching something in Uncle Henry because he was sobbing. She began: "They named me Joy because they knew they would probably both be gone by the time I turned thirteen and my subplot calls for a name that is both ironic and also a metaphor for my character's journey." "That's so literary!" Uncle Henry sobbed. "I always wanted to be a writer, but then I became a jungle explorer by default. Now I wander from ancient ruin to ancient ruin, getting what pleasure I can from them. I really should date younger women." Joy look at him quizzically. "You could be an explorer who writes travel adventure novels. You'd be the quarry of every high-class woman alive. It worked for that Charles Brandenburg fellow outside, and he couldn't even beat you into the Temple!" "By Jove! A writer! That's a splendid idea!" Uncle Henry said. "And I could carry a monocle and wear spats and speak with a British accent! No one would ever know I grew up in Kentucky helping my Daddy brew bootleg whiskey! Why... I could be SIR Henry!"" * * * * * "Ladies," said Uncle Henry, "I'm getting claustrophobia. On to the next room!" But their way was barred by a moat filled with alligators. Uncle Henry turned to Auntie. "If you run quickly across the backs of the gators, you can reach the other side." The Vine Room As Henry and Joy fled the room and skidded to a stop at the Vine Swing Room, the muffled sound of shotguns and screams and the rumbling of the 'gator room sounded behind them. "That was close!" Joy said, her face flushed with sexual excitement after their near brush with death. Henry took her in his arms. "Oh Joy, Joy, Joy! You give my life new meaning!" They chose a vine swing where they could sit side by side. "Wait a minute!" Uncle Henry said, staring into the dim recesses of the Vine Room. "I thought I saw a glint of something over there." Joy stared at the alcove where he was pointing. "You might be right. I'll go take a closer look. Stay right here!" The alcove was much larger than they had suspected and soon Joy and Jane found themselves deep within it with no end in sight. Their voices echoed from the walls along with the sound of dripping water. And then a new sound like a warning growl. The Wind Room Meanwhile, Miles and Henry secretly and successfully crossed the vines and entered the Wind Room. The wind room was filled with flutes and ocarinas. Most people preferred to wear earplugs there, but Uncle Henry enjoyed the wistful sounds which reminded him of high mountains and boiling tea kettles. Tea in the mountains. What could be more pleasant? After all, the point of the Wind Room was to lull whoever got that far into a false sense of security by giving them a room that was, down to its last inch, nothing but pleasant, cheerful, and harmless. The Wind Room was like Santa Claus: outwardly, just another red-suited jolly fat man, but inwardly, a pawn of Satan. After the Wind Room lulled you into passivity, it would snap shut like a Venus Fly Trap and slowly digest you. But Uncle Henry had been around this old world too long to be taken in by jelly-bellied men offering milk and cookies and a ride on their lap. He plugged the ears of Joy and Jane with wads of bubblegum. "We must escape from this seemingly pleasant place!" The Hall of Dreams The threesome fled from the Wind Room with it's incessant whistling and chiming and entered the Hall of Dreams. Uncle Henry immediately became tall, muscular, and twenty years younger. Joy's bikini became sexier, Mile's camera more futuristic, capable of fully-focused shots from over a mile. And also, monsters started appearing and logic sailed out the window. "This is more like it," Uncle Henry said, admiring Joy's well-filled bikini and feeling the youthful vigor rise within him. Miles was taking candid snapshots of the many monsters that roamed the hall. "Was that a green-eyed soul-eater? Oh look! A muckle!" After the laughter at Miles' light-hearted jest, a light bulb went off in Henry's mind: if Miles remained in the dark within the devouring wind instrument, he wouldn't be able to taste any of the delectable flying pasta that was now on sale at Betty's snack wagon. Betty Boot had been selling snacks in the Hall of Dreams since she was a small lost child raised by the pygmies. She still thought of herself as small even though she was pushing 300lbs now, thanks to all those snacks. Also, she often had a glazed look in her eyes as the snacks in question launched the eater into a dream-like state -- sort of a dream within a Hall of Dreams, you might say. Beyond that, while in a snack dream one might dream that one was dreaming. They didn't call it the Hall of Dreams for nothing. The floor of the hall was littered with the bones of those who never made it out again, who dreamed away their lives there. That was another great thing about the Hall of Dreams - you could drink your hallucinations. Or eat them. Much to Betty's dismay. The only thing forbidden was hallucinating a way out. You had to do that the old-fashioned way - with real effort. Uncle Henry, realizing that there was no real Golden Chameleon in this room, hallucinated a brain-boosting, multivitamin-enriched snack bar. He was going to need every bit of extra intelligence he could get. Step one: dream up a ballista. Step two: Find something to launch from the ballista. In the spirit of the Middle Ages, Uncle Henry decided to launch a dead cow. The cow sailed many yards down the Hall of Dreams and hit something with a loud SPLAT! Came a voice: "Hey now, when we asked for home milk delivery we did not have this in mind!" Leaving the participants in this hallucination to wonder who was under the cow, only Jane recognized the voice from her nightmares. "Get back," she said, "this is my fight." But her words were drowned out by a second dead cow launching on top of the first. After the second SPLAT! there came back the voice: "Oh, this is getting ridiculous now. And if we ordered orange juice would we get an orange tree?" The Breach He heard something advancing, and fired into the hazy steam. Some strange beast from his dreams, and now it was dead. There was something significant to the act, in Uncle Henry's mind, but he couldn't articulate the meaning. A fleeting memory of Forbidden Planet passed through his mind. Were the monsters he glimpsed of his own making? Then he spotted one of those gigantic cobras that inhabit every ruined temple and he knew it was nothing from his dreams. This was real! Which could only mean that, somehow, in this breach, he had at least momentarily escaped the infamous Hall of Dreams. It also meant, however, that there was a gigantic cobra just sitting in the corner there. The Cobra's evil red eyes were directed right at him and he noticed the subtle way the muscles of it's upraised neck contracted as it prepared to strike at him. WHAM! The snake's move was so sudden that Uncle Henry slipped out of the way just in time. "Whew!" Thought Henry, "If that snake had been any less sudden in its strike, I wouldn't have made it." The snake now looked baffled. It struck again, even more suddenly, but Henry dodged it by several feet this time. Then it tried to strike slowly... which gave Uncle Henry just enough time to jam a half-eaten slice of cantaloupe into the gaping maw of the giant cobra. Now cobras eschew cantaloupes, which gave Henry time to make an escape. Down the dark corridor the uncle named Henry ran. Hissing sounds filled the air and he several times felt his foot land on a soft body that squirmed away, but he avoided being bitten by the snakes. There was a dim light ahead - the entrance to a room? Yes. But the room was incredibly dim, making any vaguely visible figure in the room impossible to make out. Henry realized he must be in the Room of the Vaguely Visible, commonly known as the Dim Room. The Mermaids "I've taken a tumble," thought Henry as he plunged into a pellucid pool, in the centre of which was an islet topped by a black basalt pillar and surrounded by mermaids singing their siren song. "Wow," thought Henry. "This gets better and better." Henry managed to climb out of the pool onto the islet. The mermaids made a fuss over him, drying him with their long hair and offering him exotic fruits to eat, but he could hardly think straight with their siren song blasting away so close to his ears. By this time, Henry was even more disturbed than usual. The noise of the mermaid's siren song had become overwhelming. 'OMG' thought Henry. 'The Rolling Stones have nothing on this. Where's the volume control?' Henry was surprised to find that the volume control knob on a mermaid is right where you might expect it to be, next to her channel selector. By the time Henry got done fiddling with the controls the siren had diminished to a contented purr. Not only that, the adjustments to their volume control knob and the channel selector had the mermaids giggling with delight. "More", they demanded, "more". This became even more strident when Henry started fiddling with the vertical hold. The parrot picked this moment to return, squawking "Damn wings! Damn wings!" as it collided with the back of Henry's head. Henry realized he poor thing had a steering disorder so he tied its wings together. "Now you can try walking everywhere." "Damn feet! Damn feet", the parrot squawked as Henry returned his attention to the mermaids & their various twisty bits. But the mermaids were becoming restive. "Now listen, big boy," they caroled, "satisfy our needs or you will never leave here alive." Having performed every page of the Mermaid Kama Sutra with every one of the mermaids at this point, Henry became nervous: what other needs could they have? His question was soon answered as one of the mermaids chirped: "Listen to my problems" Five hours later a bleary-eyed Henry was on his 6th cup of coffee while mermaid Donna was still yakking nonstop about her no-good ex and how he did her wrong. Two down, Donna, and then two more after. Henry found himself thinking something he never thought he would: why must a man satisfy a woman? As Donna got to her description of the manner in which her ex died, he thought, oh. That's why. It was a grim story involving a rainy night, chains, a game of strip poker, and several berserk parrots. So that's what's wrong with the parrot! Henry thought. "The rain was heavy." she began, "This pool had flooded the three adjacent halls, and time and again we felt lightning coursing through the water. 'We' except Brian and Nixie, that is, who couldn't feel after," (here she shot an ice-cold glare at Nixie). "Richard," Donna continued, "my ex, insisted on building a raft and rigging up a sort of tent to keep the rain off us. It was really quite cozy, but boring to just sit there. That's when I suggested a game of strip poker to pass the time." Strip poker involving a mermaid does leave something to be desired and Richard was by no means enthusiastic. He preferred a discussion on the meaning of life, the universe and everything, but couldn't get past forty-one. They resolved the impasse by passing an imp around, a small one who specialized in smelling like tobacco. Soon Henry, Donna, and a small group of mermaids were feeling quite mellow. Several hours passed before Henry remembered why he was there. "Why," Henry wondered, "Am I in this story?" Donna replied, "It's something to do with sniffing imps. Listening to stories gets a lot more... involved." Henry was amazed: "Do you mean imps are masters of time-travel?!" "I didn't mean that," Donna said, "but it's an interesting point to consider. It would explain a lot of things, but back to the story. Where did I leave off? Brian and Richard both at that point were pissing me off, doing god-knows-what with Nixie. So that's when the strip poker took a kinky turn." Donna showed Henry the chains she was holding. "Strip poker with chains?" Henry said. "What's so kinky about that? Apparently you have never been kidnapped by a motorcycle gang." Donna frowned. "What's a motorcycle?" Henry shook his head. "Never mind. Your story? What was Brian doing with Nixie?" "Look!" Yelled Donna. Henry did, and it appeared Brian was operating Nixie's volume, channel selector, and then air pressure controls. And so was Richard. "They're acting like I'm not even here!" Donna sobbed. "Are you sure you are?" Henry asked. Donna looked up from her hands, her eyes wet with tears. "What? What are you talking about?" Henry shrugged. "How do you know I didn't dream you? Maybe you are a creature of my imagination and exist only in my mind?" "How remarkably consistent with current scientific knowledge!" she said. "In fact, maybe I'm the result of sailors filling the unknown with tales of seductive monsters." At last Henry had found a mermaid's true weakness: a fondness for psychological speculation. "Aha! And here's another one for you. How many selves do you have? One? Or two? If you think only one, then how do you explain terms like 'self-control'? Who is controlling who?" "This one's easy," cut in Donna, "There's an id and an ego, battling for control of..." "If you use Freud, you have to cite him. I want 5 pages by next Thursday." Henry then turned his attention to Nixie. "One twin always lies down with her head facing North. My theory is that she accidentally swallowed a compass." Some of the mermaids looked up when Henry said "theory". There was a great interest in Science in the mermaid community. They loved to hear new theories. "Honey, that's not a theory," said Lela, "it's a hypothesis at best. You failed. Consider that her bed could be inside a compass. A very large compass." Lela was known among the mer people for her ruthless yet incisive peer review. "It's true I've done no experiment," Henry said. "I try to stay on the theoretical side of things as much as possible. But if she does live inside a giant compass, how is it that she is aware of North but we are not since we are obviously living with her? "We're obviously living with her?" Lela scoffed, "You phrase an assumption as if it were fact, and then add a question mark to distract me? I have standards. Like I'd let her move in with me that easily! She should at least pass the Bechdel test!" "That's your fault!" Henry said, "for never talking to her." Lela shrugged. "I can't stand the bitch. I would sooner talk to a rock in the mermaid lagoon." At that moment Nixie's head popped out of the water and she said, "I heard that! Now we will talk!" "The rocks in the mermaid lagoon," said Nixie, "sit by an iron vein, and are laced with enough iron to always orient themselves to the ever-changing magnetic field in this temple... So similar to your compass theory, maybe she swallowed one of those." "Are you saying she has rocks in her head?" asked Henry. Suddenly Twixie broke into song: ♪ I got rocks in my pudding, rocks in my bed, rocks in my pocket, rocks in my head... ♪" With four of the five mermaids occupied -- Nixie and Lela discussing magnetism, Donna writing a paper, and Twixie composing a spontaneous rock ballad -- Henry was finally able to speak to the fifth one, the shy one, the one that didn't smell so strongly of fish, the one with the blonde scales and blue eyes. Henry reach out a hand to her. "Hi, I'm Henry. I couldn't help but notice you are the most beautiful mermaid I ever met." "You're only saying that," she said looking down. "No," said Henry, "If I could bottle beauty and sell it, the jugs would look just like yours." She held her arms over her breasts and turned away, but could not suppress a smile. Henry touched her fine hair. "What is your name, pretty one?" She wouldn't look at him, but didn't pull away from the touch of his hand on her head. They were silent for awhile. Henry gently stroked her hair while she gazed at the lagoon. The Amaizing Theater One of the Cat Actors came up to them "We want to thank you guys for rescuing us." "Youre welcome, Pussy Cat!" cooed Jane. "My name is Lucy," The Cat said dryly. "Anyway here is our gift, Animal Crackers that turn you into the Animals you eat!" "Thanks," said Henry, his clear and obvious, yet somehow still unspoken, utter and absolute lack of enthusiasm evident in his voice. "We'll cherish these." Jane, on the other hand, ate one right away: "I'm an eagle!" she yelled. Henry grabbed her feet so she wouldn't fly away. "Jane! Do you know how ridiculous an eagle wearing panties looks?" Jane laughed. "I don't care! I'm free! I'm free!" Henry glared at the cat. "You better have another cookie that undoes what that cookie did. The Cat tossed a random cookie into Jane's beak. Before Henry knew it he was holding the ankles of a Two Ton Black Rhinoceros. "Oh Jeez!" Henry exclaimed as he was staring into a Rhino's Anus. "This is even worse!" Jane huffed irritably, but when the cat tried to throw another cookie into her mouth, she bit down on the whole bag, turning into a chimera. Jane had...In no particular order, The head of a Unicorn, the Body of a Snake, the tail of Peacock,the Front Legs of a Deer, the Back Legs of a Lion and the Wings of a Bat. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Henry let go of her. "Jane, you've changed. I'm not sure this relationship can still work." But Jane didn't care. She was roaring, squawking, and honking her way to freedom. "Now I can be me! Free at last! Free at last!" |
speak to the fifth one, the shy one, the one that didn't smell so strongly of fish, the one with the blonde scales and blue eyes. Henry reach out a hand to her. "Hi, I'm Henry. I couldn't help but notice you are the most beautiful mermaid I ever met." (Steev the Friction Wizurd "You're only saying that," she said looking down.
"No," said Henry, "If I could bottle beauty and sell it, the jugs would look just like yours." She held her arms over her breasts and turned away, but could not suppress a smile. (Mr Zaborskii  ) Henry touched her fine hair. "What is your name, pretty one?"
She wouldn't look at him, but didn't pull away from the touch of his hand on her head.
They were silent for awhile. Henry gently stroked her hair while she gazed at the lagoon. (Steev the Friction Wizurd Come on Steev! I'm a virgin! How am I supposed to know what comes after that? (Mr Zaborskii
Indeed, there was a sparkle, a flicker a flash, and then fireworks as Miles Pan erupted from underneath the water's surface. He began singing a rock ballad so powerful, it turned a few mermaids' fish parts into lady parts. "Hey!" said Henry, "why didn't (Mr Zaborskii my boy parts turn into man parts?" A crack opened in the ceiling and a dozen mysterious faces could be seen peering in. "We read about you in the newsfeed!" yelled one of them. "Newsfeed?" thought Henry. "Impossible. No one knows I am here." (Steev the Friction Wizurd "The Newsfeed knows does!" Another mysterious face yelled out, "it also knows what laptops you're interested in buying, what you had for breakfast this morning, and who was tagged with you in pretty much every room you went into today!" (Mr Zaborskii "That's awful!" Henry said. "It's like Big Brother in that 1984 novel. A total lack of privacy. I think it's time for a revolution. Listen up, mermaids! You have nothing to lose but your chains." The mermaids stared blankly at Henry. "What chains?" (Steev the Friction Wizurd This time it was Henry's turn to stare blankly. These mermaids had been chained to this rock for as long as he'd known them. How could they be unaware of the chains? One of the mermaids caught his look though. "Oh these? Decorative. They don't (Mr Zaborskii restrain us." Henry gave an "Oh really?" look and said, "Let's see you leave the rock then." The mermaid smiled. "I don't want to." Henry grinned. "Aha! Because you can't! Join my revolution and I'll issue hacksaws to everybody!" (Steev the Friction Wizurd These mermaids were difficult. Miles Pan, the faces, and the mermaids all waited -- as did a large piles of hacksaws -- as Henry did all their work for them. Miles Pan decided to chat up the faces to pass the time: "So this newsfeed. Does it mention (Mr Zaborskii "Zaborskii?" said a mermaid. "Isn't he that lobster doctor in Futurama?" (Steev the Friction Wizurd "only sometimes," answered one of the faces. "More often he's the pilot of the Beetle's Yellow Submarine."
"they had a pilot?" The mermaid asked, "I thought the sub was a metaphor for a drug trip. Do drug trips have pilots?" (Mr Zaborskii ) "If you're lucky," said Henry. "Although we call them guides back home. An unguided drug trip can be as dangerous as a voyage through headhunter country. In fact, there are a lot of similarities - bright colors and you're in danger of losing your head." (Steev the Friction Wizurd The mermaids gave a round of applause for his metaphor. Though after Pan's song, "half-naked women" would better describe them than the term "mermaids." They called, "Well done! And thanks for removing the chains." And then began the Newsfeed rebellion. (Mr Zaborskii But the Newsfeed had already moved on to greener pastures leaving them with nothing much to rebel against. Pam the Perky Mermaid said, "Sometimes Life can bite you in the knee, if you have knees." Darlene the Delicate Mermaid said, "Well, I do declare!" (Steev the Friction Wizurd "I do have knees!" The owner of one of the voices yelled out, "You know what? If the Newsfeed is moving on, then so shall we! Just to speed this up, the answer is not maize: it's corn. The corniest joke you can think of will lead you" (Mr Zaborskii ) "Corn!" Henry said. "Of course! I thought they were saying maze, but it was maize... corn! Amazing! I mean... amaizing!" While Henry was babbling foolishly a transformation was taking place. With a grinding noise, a doorway was opening in the rock wall. (Steev the Friction Wizurd Henry walked through the opening in the rock wall it led into a dark and creepy tunnel, filled with cobwebs and musty smells. Henry found an illuminated area it was littered with magazine clipping all labeled 'Animal of the Week' "How strange." Said Henry (Twiga Then the tunnel came to another doorway and Henry was amazed (amaized) to find a 500 seat theater complete with curtains and props. "What kind of plays are produced here and who watches them?" thought Henry while scratching his chin stubble. (Steev the Friction Wizurd Henry sat down as the show began, to his amazement all the Actors were Animals! They were playing Romeo and Juliet, Romeo was an English Bulldog and Juliet was a Persian Cat even though they could only speak in animal noises Henry was still moved deeply.. (Twiga "No! No!" He cried as Juliet bit down on a poisoned chew toy. Jane joined him in the theater -- he didn't know where she'd been, but as she sat she said, "Best sex ever!" indicating that wherever she was, it was amazons amazing. (Mr Zaborskii ) "These Thespians are adorable!" Jane cooed as the Animal Actors took a bow "Of course." Said Henry "You love Animals." They were greeted by the Usher, a Unicorn who spoke in perfect English "Did you enjoy our show?" Henry and Jane blinked "How come you... (Twiga Weren't in the play? You've got such stage presence!" To the usher, such dreams had always seemed unattainable. "I give you my thanks" it called as it galloped away from them, "I'm off to -- (Mr Zaborskii ) "...Give Juliet her bouquet of catnip!" (Twiga Jane winked at Henry. "I think that unicorn has a crush on the cat." Henry rolled his eyes. "If he does, he really will crush her. A unicorn and a cat? There's a mating that could never work well." Jane sat back and folded her arms. "Like you and me?" (Steev the Friction Wizurd "Like you and an Amazon princess!" said Henry. "You knew about that?" Jane said, blushing.
"You kept talking in your sleep about it. And moaning in your sleep about it. Then you disappeared for a while." (Mr Zaborskii ) "It must be this old temple we're trapped in," Jane said. "It makes a girl just a little bit crazy. I had no idea I could get so turned on by an Amazon princess." Henry's jaw fell open. "Jane! How can you even say such things?" (Steev the Friction Wizurd "Maybe because I was very lonely as a kid." Said Jane "I was always a shy awkward nerd, growing up in a town the prized football above all else...I never had anyone to play Dungeons & Dragons with." Just then the Unicorn returned with a notebook. (Twiga "I excel at D&D. Bring it!" Instantly they were locked in a battle of wits and wills. Usher was a maniacal dungeon master:
on multiple occasions Jane only escaped alive by her astounding luck -- rolling a 12 when no other number could save her. (Mr Zaborskii "Well." Said the Usher "You escaped the Black Dragon but you no longer have any toes." (Twiga "I won't need toes when I become a mermaid," Jane said. Henry looked at her. "You're planning to become a mermaid? You didn't tell me about that." She rolled her eyes. "A lot has been happening, Henry. I don't have time to tell you every little thing." (Steev the Friction Wizurd "Like disappearing between 3:21 pm and 4:02 pm? Wanting to become part fish? Wleeping with an Amazon? You tell me nothing these days!"
"Well... you're... you tell me nothing!
"That's cause you're not around!" (Mr Zaborskii ) "Guys! Guys!" Said the Usher Unicorn "Please stop! The Cubs are crying!" Henry and Julia looked and saw some Young Animals crying. "Where did all these Animals come from?" Henry asked "Earlier I saw Magazine Clippings of Animals in the tunnel." (Twiga "They are here for the Animal Show," said Usher. He checked his watch. "Which will be starting very soon. Would you like to take your seats now? I reserved two of the best seats in the Amaizing Corn Theater for you." (Steev the Friction Wizurd This time the Show was Peter Pan,in this Show Peter Pan was played by a Squirrel and the Three Darling Kids were played by Rabbits,Captain Hook was a Crocodile (Oh the Irony) (Twiga But the crocodile was a crocodile, and the show was derailed by the actors' obvious chemistry. "I say," said Uncle Henry, "this is a very risky interpretation. To suggest that Hook in fact, welcomes his own inevitable doom. Flirts with it." (Mr Zaborskii ) "You take the show too seriously," said Jane. "It's a minor divertissement intended to delight one for an hour or so and then be forgotten." Henry hunched his shoulders. "Nevertheless, if a thing be done at all then it should be done well." (Steev the Friction Wizurd After the show was over Henry and Jane headed over to the Theater's Concession Stand, however no one was working the stand, Jane noticed the Popcorn Machine had been knocked over revealing a hole in the floor screams came from below! Jane and Henry said (Twiga "That sounds like a pterodactyl!" "I knew we hadn't seen the last of Pilnagob," said Henry, "my nemesis since day 1," he paused for a few moments, then threw a rope down the hole, "but what's life without a nemesis?! Pilnagob, don't die!" (Mr Zaborskii ) Pilnagob grabbed hold of the rope with his formidable beak... and bit it in two! He squawked a loud squawk of frustration.
"Easy, boy!" Henry said. "Don't bite so hard this time. Be gentle." Then he lowered more rope to the trapped Pterodactyl. (Steev the Friction Wizurd A second time Pilnagob broke the rope, so this time Henry lowered himself down as well, prepared to fight whatever it was that could make a proud pterodactyl scream. (Mr Zaborskii What was causing the Pterodactyl to scream was a Mad Scientist who had been creating the Animal Actors by Vivisecting the Animals (Twiga "Son of a gun!" said Henry. "This is the worst example of mad scientism I have ever seen." He took out the little snub-nosed pistol he always carried and shot the scientist in the head. The Pterodactyl whimpered with relief. (Steev the Friction Wizurd Henry saw the walls were lined with cages filled with Animals yet to be vivisected. Jane wanted to free them all. Before Henry could stop her she began opening cages things were fine when she opened the Dog, Cat and Rabbit Cages but then she opened the... (Twiga raven, tortoise, and lion cages, and Henry could feel a fable coming on. He tried to stop her, but it was too late.
"Ha!" Yelled the lion, "I didn't need a weakling like you to free me!" Not realizing he had the fable backwards. (Mr Zaborskii ) Of course then one of the Uplifted Cats opened up the Scientist's Fridge revealing some leftover Beef Stew. "Oh Man I love beef stew!" The Lion said charging out of his Cage to help himself The Cows and Bulls were disturbed by this and decided they would (Twiga boycott all future films that dared to hire the Lion. (Don't worry: in a month, their resolve would break for his newest film, The Bridge on the River Cow.) Despite the commotion, Henry lifted Pilnagob out of the hole. "popcorn?" he offered. (Mr Zaborskii The Pterodactyl pecked at the Popcorn like a common barnyard fowl. The Unicorn Usher galloped forward "How come you didn't tell us where the Animal Actors were coming from?" Asked Jane "I had no idea!" Said the Usher "All Unicorns can speak naturally!" (Twiga "What's that supposed to mean?" Jane said. "What is unnatural speaking?" The Unicorn was flushed in the face. "Oh, don't listen to me. This revelation about the cages has shaken me to my very core and I hardly know what I am saying." (Steev the Friction Wizurd "To think he was vivisecting them," Usher said, shuddering.
Henry heard a squawk and said, "you're right Pilgnagob. I never mentioned vivisection!"
"You'll never catch me alive!" yelled Usher, galloping away. (Mr Zaborskii ) "Wow," Henry said. "Talk about falling apart in a crisis. I guess that's why unicorns went extinct. They couldn't keep their cool when things got hot." Jane furrowed her brow. "Unicorns are extinct? I thought we were just talking to one?" (Steev the Friction Wizurd "We aren't extinct." Said the Usher "We're just really good at hiding." "DO you have an actual name?" Asked Henry "My name is Whippersnapper Pikka Pikka." Said The Usher "My friends call me Whippy for short." (Twiga "Sweet Mable!" yelled Henry, "I thought you just galloped away! Where did you come from? And we still don't know how you knew about the cage and the vivisection!"
"You'll never catch me alive!" Whippy said, galloping off again. (Mr Zaborskii ) One of the Cat Actors came up to them "We want to thank you Guys for rescuing us." She mewed "Your Welcome Pussy Cat!" Cooed Jane "My name is Lucy." The Cat said dryly "Anyway here is our gift, Animal Crackers that turn you into the Animals you eat!" Jane (Twiga "Thanks," said Henry, his clear and obvious yet somehow still unspoken utter and absolute lack of enthusiasm evident in his voice, "We'll cherish these."
Jane, on the other hand, ate one right away: "I'm an eagle!" she yelled. (Mr Zaborskii ) Henry grabbed her feet so she wouldn't fly away. "Jane! Do you know how ridiculous an eagle wearing panties looks?" Jane laughed. "I don't care! I'm free! I'm free!" Henry glared at the cat. "You better have another cookie that undoes what that cookie did (Steev the Friction Wizurd The Cat tossed a random cookie into Jane's beak. Before Henry knew it he was holding the ankles of a Two Ton Black Rhinoceros "Oh Jeez!" Henry exclaimed as he was staring into a Rhino's...Anus "This is even worse!" Jane huffed irritably (Twiga but when the cat tried to throw another cookie into her mouth, she bit down on the whole bag, turning into a chimera. (Mr Zaborskii Jane had...In no particular order, The head of a Unicorn, the Body of a Snake, the tail of Peacock,the Front Legs of a Deer, the Back Legs of a Lion and the Wings of a Bat (Twiga Henry let go of her. "Jane, you've changed. I'm not sure this relationship can still work." But Jane didn't care. She was roaring, squawking, and honking her way to freedom. "Now I can be me! Free at last! Free at last!" (Steev the Friction Wizurd RE:"Jane, you've changed etc..." That was epic. In&Out Hall of Fame right there, if there were such a thing. It was a good a laugh.
What this looked like, visually, was a confused mix of leaping, spinning, and useless wing-flapping. (Mr Zaborskii Does some want to draw a picture of what I described Jane turning into? (Twiga ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** (Steev the Friction Wizurd Holy Shell That is awesome! Lucy the Cat came up to Henry, "I've been watching the security cams didn't you have other companions with you at the start of this adventure? (Twiga Henry put his hand to his head. "Yes... it's coming back to me now. There were others, weren't there? I feel like I have been in this temple for several lifetimes. What happened to my companions? Does the security cam footage show that?" (Steev the Friction Wizurd Lucy took Henry to the Security Room where it seemed the rest of His Companions had eaten the Enchanted Animal Crackers None of them were Chimeras like Jane, each was a normal Animal they all seemed to be in cages for some reason one of them was a Leopard (Twiga Joy was a jerboa -- Henry gently placed her in his shirt pocket. Miles Pan had split off into Miles the Moose in one cage and Pan the Paddlefish in a tank next to it. The Amazons were a tank of pirahnas. (Mr Zaborskii "Who is the leopard?" Henry asked. "Nobody knows," Lucy said. "He's been very uncooperative and will not talk about it." Henry studied the cam view of the leopard closely, trying to see if he recognized anyone's mannerisms. "He is a stranger to me." (Steev the Friction Wizurd Jane, however recognized the creature. "Get back," she said, echoing an earlier scene from this novel, "this is my fight." But as in that earlier scene, her words were cut off when a dead cow landed atop the leopard. "Oi!" complained the Leopard, crawling (Mr Zaborskii out from under the cow. "When I asked for home milk delivery, I didn't mean this." Henry experienced a brief shock of deja vu which quickly passed when the leopard tore off its mask. Henry gasped. "Why you're not a Leopard at all!" (Steev the Friction Wizurd "You impress me." Said the Creature "Actually I am the Joker! From Gotham City! And I lured you all here with the legend of the 'olden Chameleon! None of you realized it was all bunk and I have you trapped here forever! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Twiga Then the creature popped like a balloon and left behind a small cloud of smoke. "What was THAT?!" Henry said. Jane patted his arm. "Just a small illusion sent to us by the Syndicate." Henry squinted and said, "The Syndicate?" Jane said, "Don't ask." (Steev the Friction Wizurd "But I just did," said Henry, not fully recovered from the mermaids, "If you wanted to stop me from asking, you should have told me so sooner." Thankfully, half-naked, recently-bipedalized Nixie had wandered in from the pool and now gave her applause. (Mr Zaborskii Henry bowed. "Thank you, Nixie." Nixie tripped over her own foot and fell flat on her face. She was new to the bipedalization game and a bit clumsy yet. "I don't know how you old timers do it!" (Steev the Friction Wizurd "Try landing on your bum," said Henry, "it's much softer than landing on your face." (Mr Zaborskii Nixie rubbed her nose. "Aye, mate, and a bit easier on the schnozzle. Who's up for some tea and biscuits?" Jane said, "I might possibly eat some herb biscuits, parsley preferred." Nixie frowned. "This ain't the Mermaid Cafe, ya know. No special orders." (Steev the Friction Wizurd Before anyone could say anything else a Dog ran in screaming "The Clowns are back! The Clowns are back!" "What is the Mongrel talking about?" Asked Jane "Oh Shaggy?" Said Lucy "I don't know." Thankfully Shaggy's Flea Phillipe explained everything (Twiga Phillipe stood on Shaggy's head and raised his arms as if he was a great actor reciting Shakespeare. "Forsooth, friends and neighbors! I bring you good tidings of joy." Nixie looked at Henry. "What's a tiding? Is that like that moon pull water thing?" (Steev the Friction Wizurd "I think the flea is referencing Christmas pageants," explained Henry, raising his own arms to join in, "for born from this City of Day is David, the King of Hope! He will save yers!" Phillipe approved, tipping his hat to Henry. (Mr Zaborskii Phillipe then became very grim "Pleasantries aside...It it time I told you the the truth about this building." "What truth?" Said Jane "This Temple belongs to a very wicked royal family."Said Phillipe "Who regularly practiced incest in an attempt to..... (Twiga ..raise the dead." Jane gasped and covered her mouth with her hands. "That's awful! How evil they must have been." Phillipe nodded agreement. "Well, to be fair, they also gave a lot to charity, but yes, at the core of it they were wicked bastards." (Steev the Friction Wizurd "They really did turn the rest of your comrades into Animals." Phillipe said to Henry "Do you want to get them back?" (Twiga "Get back my comrades?" Henry asked, "or get payback against the cousin-loving, dead-raising, animal-turning royal family? I was here for a little lizard statue, to place it my mantle and show Pilnagob once and for all who was the better explorer. But now (Mr Zaborskii bigger issues loom." Phillipe clapped his hands together. "We would be delighted if you would join the resistance movement. For too long this temple has been controlled by the Traditionalists. It's time for the Neo-Fundamentalists to take charge!" (Steev the Friction Wizurd Phillipe then pushed a red button and a hole in the floor opened up "This hole in the floor will take you to the most EVIL place of all!" Said the Flea "The Hall of Bones!" (Twiga There was a pregnant pause of dramatic anticipation as the assembled characters decided whether to enter the dank hole or not. Who knew what wonders of plot development might occur? Or would it just be the unsatisfying end of a long story? (Steev the Friction Wizurd They climbed down into the Hall of Bones which true to the name was a Hall made of various kinds of bones. "This place smells funny." Said Jane as she crept her strange animalistic body behind Henry, A Skull fell down in front of them and began to speak.. (Twiga "Welcome to the Hall of Bones. We are open 7 days a week during daylight hours, but night hours are available for special occasions like birthday parties, funerals, and weddings." Jane shuddered. "Who would want to get married in a Hall of Bones?" (Steev the Friction Wizurd "Who are you?" Henry asked "Why I'm Mr.BONEJANGLES of course!" Said the Skull "Of course.: Said Henry "Look can we get through?" (Twiga "I'm not stopping you," said Mr. Bonejangles and rolled out of the way. Henry said, "Some of these bones are so big they must have belonged to dinosaurs." Jane plucked at his arm. "And look over here at these teeny tiny bones. Birds? They're so cute!" (Steev the Friction Wizurd Further down the Hall of Bones, they found a Morbidly Obese Princess, laying naked with a jug of moonshine beside her, she was dead drunk and smelled like rancid bacon and moldy cheese (Twiga "You looked, didn't you?" accused Jane the Chimera. "I did not!" Henry tried to look affronted and not sheepishly guilty. "At what?" asked Nixie, still half naked."Nothing," Henry assured her, trying to maintain the status quo. (Mr Zaborskii ) Trying to get over the Massive Princess proved to be rather difficult. The Princess snorted in her sleep and Jane said "Maybe if you kiss her she'll wake up." "Ewww!" Exclaimed Henry "Kiss the land whale?!" (Twiga Nixie tried to climb over the sleeping princess's giant thigh and slipped off and sat down hard. "Oof! That hurt! Wake up, you dummy!" And she kicked the Princess's leg as hard as she could. The princess stirred and snorted and her eyes opened. "Wh-what?" (Steev the Friction Wizurd At the end of the Hall of Bones was a door labeled Thorne Room after climbing over the Princess Henry opened the door and he saw a dank and dreary place dripping strange liquids and sitting upon a Throne of Bones was the Evil King and Queen like Zombies.. (Twiga Henry slammed the door shut and shuddered. "Ew, I don't like the smell of that place." Jane came over to stand beside him. "What did you find, Henry?" He cracked the door open for her and she gasped. "That's disgusting!" (Steev the Friction Wizurd Mr. Bonejangles said "The only ways out of the Hall of Bones are through the Throne Room or the way you came in (Twiga "Well, we're not going through the Throne Room," Henry said. "It's just too darn nasty in there." (Steev the Friction Wizurd Total Displayed: 100 |
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Suddenly all the mermaids started screaming! "What is it? What is it?" Henry said. Donna pointed. "The Great Evil Thing has returned! Surely we are all doomed!" Henry was aware of a looming presence, a darkness that was filling the room. (