Proper Care for your American Flag

These days,
The American Flag
is not merely flown on a pole -
it is worn,
close to the skin,
by the most fashion-conscious Patriots
among us.
These
American Flags
are a wet-dream gift to Uncle Sam and President Lear alike:
THIS is how much I love you.
Thanks to the quintessentially American T-shirt design,
now you too can “wrap yourself in the Flag”
on a whim, for any reason you like -
without looking like a green old woman in a robe.

The proper creation of such wearable
American Flags
is as follows:
The material should be
100% American-grown cotton -
         after all,
         if THE Flag cannot be the Confederate flag,
         at least they ought to make some money on it.
The American Flag
design should be as large and all-encompassing as possible,
printed in the latest, greatest, harshest chemical inks known to Industrialized Society
so that the image of the Flag is stained into the wearer’s skin,
not only on the first wearing
but also still after several washings.
         (Delicate wash only,
         hung out to air-dry
         somewhere people will see it fluttering in the breeze;
         do not iron.)
Sizes XL and larger are acceptable,
male “unisex” cut only.

One must be careful at all times to avoid
staining, tearing, ripping, puncture, unravelling, stretching, thinning of material, abrasive damage, fading, and all other forms of harm
being done to
The American Flag.
Use of deodorants and antiperspirants is discouraged
due to their proclivity to mark the interior.
The only substances acceptable for contact with or staining of
The American Flag
are beer, ketchup, and motor oil,
whose stains should be celebrated as battle wounds
sustained in the course of
Being a Real American.

Should staining by any other substance,
or any other kind of damage,
occur, there is a simple, honorable, and
uniquely American
procedure for properly and respectfully disposing of your wearable
American Flag.
Young boys should be taught this process early and thoroughly, preferably by example.
Firstly the defaced Flag is carefully put onto
the body of a well-endowed, 18-year-old female model,
where it is doused with lighter fluid until the material is transparent.
It is then torn from the body slowly, with extravagance.
During this tearing, a small fireworks display may be appropriate.
The torn pieces should then be used to light a medium- to large-sized bonfire,
on which copies of the Qur’an and the Communist Manifesto are burned.
The fire should be allowed to burn itself out,
but not until at least 1,776 minutes have elapsed.
At the time the fire dies,
a bugler should play one chorus from
Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the U.S.A.”
Following this,
the ashes of the Flag
         (but not those of the books it has been used to burn)
should be gathered and place inside
an authentic metal 1950’s “Duck ‘n’ Cover” lunchbox
and sent to a warehouse whose door reads “Recycling Center,”
from whence it will be sent along to the appropriate section
of the inter-state landfill, adjacent to the superhighway.
All this should only be done during times of drought,
to ensure that there will not, under any circumstances,
be a rainbow in the sky, too near
The American Flag
and the flames it has died to bring us.

For those obliged to dress more formally,
the classic
American Flag
lapel pin
is also available
         since,
         while it is unacceptable for anything to puncture
         The American Flag,
         The American Flag
         itself is well known for penetrating other fabrics.
These lapel pins are available in metal,
though the ideal version is the stamp-printed
Cheap White Plastic™
model, available in sizes ranging from
Washington Quarter to HUNERT-DOLLA BILL.
The best of these feature a second
American Flag
on the back, emblazoned with the phrase
         “Made in America
         (by robots)”
but these are increasingly rare and expensive.