Polar Vortex Heartburn

I wake up this morning, and I don't know what the temperature is in the house. I stick my foot from underneath the three heavy blankets, and yes, it's as I thought. COLD as hell. I muster up the courage, and hop out of bed, bare feet hitting the hardwood floor, and off down the stairs to turn on the heat. At the thermostat I see its 42 degrees in the house. Yes, 42 unfathomable degrees in a human home.

Deterred by the temperature, I walk back up the stairs in need of exercise, brush my teeth, wash my face, and look at my green digital camouflage uniform. This is totally not proper dress for this weather, but I have to put it on. No matter if I put it on now, or put it on at work, I have to put it on. So, I put it on, which always feels like a danger. As I blunder down the stairs I think to myself, "You should probably warm the car." So I start the coffee machine, grab my keys, look out the half frozen window taking a deep breath, and walk outside.

As the door opens, my breath leaves my body, as if the freezing temperature is Ursula and I am poor Ariel. Yes, this poor unfortunate soul has his breath taken away by the freezing temperature. As I look across the street I see a Great Horned Owl. Yes, a Great Horned Owl in the wild. It flies from a not so distant light pole to an adjacent tree. Realizing that I am standing in the cold, looking at a beautiful creature, but again in the freezing cold, I snap out of it. I take off for my car as I see the owl flying in my direction landing on a light pole right in front of my house. I slowly open the car door, start up the car, and slowly close the door. I want a picture of the owl, because I've never seen one out in the wild. However, the icy ground felt that I should not. So as I run back into the house. I am stopped, slipping, hitting the icy concrete, like a car with no sense of direction.

As I laid there looking up at the at the beautiful morning sky, fading from night, I thought to myself. I fuckin' hate polar vortexes, and I fuckin' hate this cold weather. Oh yeah, I should probably tell you it's a blistering 9 degrees. Yay me.