So Now What Do I Do? - Final Word

My husband wrote this short book a long time ago. He never published it. Maybe you can help me get it ready for publication by helping me with spot any typos, suggest corrections, or anything else. Thanks.
I am going to submit each section or chapter separately.

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CLOSING REMARKS - By Cindy Lopez

The first time I began counseling, I was so unsure about so many things in my life, even myself. I always believed if I couldn’t count on someone else at least I could count on myself, but not anymore. I didn’t know what I was looking for, all I knew was that there were so many questions, but I had no answers.

I felt angry, hurt, betrayed, alone, and I literally felt like I was dying inside. The counseling had begun without me even knowing it had. I needed help, and I needed it bad. Looking back, (eight months as of this writing) I never thought then I would make it this far, but I did.

If you’re wondering if I still feel angry, hurt, and betrayed, well, yes, I do. The difference between then and now is that I learned how to deal with these very real feelings in a way in the manner God wants from me.

Before the counseling began, or even the problems my marriage was beginning to experience (or at least that I thought was beginning to experience), I thought everything was under my control, especially my husband.

I never thought he was being unfaithful to me. I believed he was using marijuana, but I didn’t think he’d ever use heroin. I was neglecting him so much that I couldn’t see the signs. I was very dependent on him financially, and emotionally.

Well, the day we slit up because of the drugs and affair he was having, I was very upset. I had never thought this would happen to us, but it did.

After the separation, I couldn’t eat, sleep, or even function at work. I kept imagining him with the other woman and it was driving me crazy. When he finally called, I didn’t know how to react except with anger. He said he was, “so sorry,” and that it would “never happen again.” I wanted so badly to believe him that I let him come home. WRONG! It kept on happening over and over again.

The lies, the drugs, everything was a mess. I thought I could help him, but I couldn’t and I still can’t. We did this routine several times.

There have been many times, especially at night when I am alone, or the kids are asleep that I just cry and cry. I often ask myself if all this waiting is worth it!? No, it’s not! I hurt too much.

I’ve gone all this time without my husband for a reason, and if I give up now, then everything I’ve done until now was just a big waste. You know, he’s not worth it, but the kids and I are. All this waiting isn’t for him (well, it was at first), but not anymore. The waiting is for me and the kids as well. I needed time to heal, and so did the kids.

Before, I would give in to my husband as soon as he’d call and tell me what I wanted to hear, but all I was really doing is pulling the “scab” off the wound. You know how when you fall and scrape your arm bad, a scab forms when the wound begins to heal. But, if you don’t wait for the scab to fall off on its own, and instead you decide to pull or peel it off, you begin to bleed again. The healing process has to start all over again.

Well, I pulled the scab off at least five different times, and now I have a scar there. I never gave myself time to heal before, because I missed him so much. I still miss him, but the scab is starting to fall off on its own, and it’s almost healed.

I know how hard it is, the memory of him always with you, especially if you had kids together. But I have to let him go, and not take him back every time he calls and wants to come home or else he’ll never change. I do love him, and want him back, not the “old” him, but the new him.

The kids. My kids are very aware of everything that’s going on. At first, when I wouldn’t eat or sleep, the kids were so worried about me. I didn’t realize that I was neglecting them. I didn’t leave them as he did us, but in a sense I actually did. I was not there with them emotionally, when they really needed me.

I didn’t feel like cooking, so they had to make sandwiches all the time. I didn’t feel like cleaning, so when they saw that the house was a big mess, they would pitch in and help clean, instead of playing like other kids on the block. It was like they were on their own.

I feel bad for putting them through that. Sometimes I would yell at them for little things just because I was upset.

Now it’s different. They miss their dad a lot. Especially the youngest one. I tried keeping them from him just to spite him because I did not think he deserved to see them (since he left them), but instead, it was the kids that were the ones with the broken hearts. They miss him so much. I talk with them to try to help them understand, and I pray with them a lot so that they can see that I still have hope too. They know God is doing work on him, they just can’t see it yet. I don't keep them from him anymore. He does that on his own, and they can see that too!

Cindy’s comments are, unfortunately, so common among women who are suffering through these similar circumstances. Yet, in all her struggles she remains faithful to the Lord, her children, and herself.

When you start feeling like giving up, just remember Cindy’s encouragement: “Just hang in there, it will be over soon.”