by Dr Gonzo
This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters.
|Days turn into weeks, and weeks into months.
I began this journey at the beginning of September, and as we approach the end of another year, I can say without hesitation that this has been one of the most monumental years of my life.
I've never felt so sure of my direction as I do right now. I have a future now and this is very much a new way of thinking for me. To be completely honest, which was the promise I made when I began this blog, I was committing a slow version of suicide, but then, something turned me around.
When faced with death, there comes a strong instinct to survive, and perhaps this kicked in and changed these dark thoughts I was having. I also became tired of the lifestyle. Taking drugs is said to be the easy road, and in the beginning, this is the illusion that it creates. But, after too many years of waiting for dealers, of getting ripped off, with little to no sleep for weeks on end. The shame and disappointment in the choices I was making. The lies, the self-loathing...and I guess, even for a seasoned trouper like myself, there had to come a time...to face an inevitable reality...stop now or die. Maybe not today, or even tomorrow, but there is no doubt that I had rolled the dice and been lucky, but my time of using drugs has well and truly come to an end.
Also, I became bored with getting high...realising on the rare occasions when I wasn't wasted...when I could see more clearly, that I enjoyed those moments more than the short term high that meth gave me.
Money was also a motivation to stop using. Every cent I would have spent on meth has been saved and put towards my future. My trip to Thailand...all paid for with money that would have ended up in the pocket of someone who preyed on my addiction.
To say I am happy now is the understatement of the year. I'm welling up now with emotion. That last experience when I fell, will be the last time I do. Although I learned a valuable lesson from it, I still retain the fear, but also the pride...the first time in my life I have taken my drugs, which once upon a time meant more to me than anything, even my kids, was flushed down the toilet in an unceremonious fashion, and to this day, without regret.
I rarely think about drugs now, but even when I do, it's with revulsion rather than desire, and this, to me, is a sign...I have begun my new life. I'll need to be on guard...not put myself in harm's way or get too cocksure of myself. It's a journey broken up into fractions...one day at a time, but with one eye on the prize...my future...a future I never thought I would have, until now.