Things I find myself only able to express in words and in this journal - welcome!
|There's probably nothing more depressing than to stumble across evidence of your happiness with another person. Your promises to one another that you want to be together, to make things work, for things to be good and how much you love each other, after you've broken up.
It's cruel we stumble across these things. It's even more cruel when it warms your heart and you realize, you failed.
I hate this. I hate hating her and loving her at the same time.
I hate that I'm in such a bad place that I'm questioning so much of what she's told me.
She took this trust I had in her, this trust that I've never experienced with someone else, and she destroyed it. All of it.
Trust can be rebuilt. It can. But at this moment in time...it's hard.
Maybe she's right, maybe we shouldn't have talked at all. But I see her online right now and it is SO hard for me not to send her a message. I WANT to talk to her.
I WANT to be around her.
Irregardless of how bad it hurt. I stupidly thought if I could endure this that MAYBE she'd come back around, eventually, and she wouldn't be lost forever.
I agree that our situations were straining our relationship and making it unhealthy. But, I never thought we didn't love each other or that we were unhealthy for each other.
I think we got to a point where we were so stressed and so unfamiliar and so uncertain of how to balance all of our demands that we were both hurting. We both needed each other and neither of us could be there enough for one another.
I wanted to be, but I was selfish and wanted attention from her. I stayed angry. Then when she wanted attention, it was usually not a good time. (Had to leave, didn't have the time.) And later, whenever I tried to give her attention, she was busy doing something else.
I stopped trying.
I started feeling inadequate.
I felt horrible.
Maybe that's the sign we shouldn't have been together.
But, even now, when we talk, I find that familiarity... that we've had since day one. That comfort and ease we have. How we find some of the same things funny. And I think "No, we should be together... we just got into a funk this time."
I don't know.
I hate this.
I'm tired of feeling.
I'm going to throw myself into my studies.