Scary & other stuff, that grows on you

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498 word entry to "The Art of Letter Writing Contest"  Prompt: You must write a letter thanking your wealthy maiden aunt for the REALLY UGLY ornament she gave you for Christmas.

Dear rich Aunt Beula,

I want you to know that I am keeping my New Year’s Resolution not to ask you for money. I am writing to thank you for the REALLY UGLY ornament you sent me for Christmas. At first? It was a bit jarring. It is the perfect image of a miniature shrunken head modeled after my likeness.

I guess you still think it was my fault and I have no mind at all. Was it my fault, my girlfriend showed up as a surprise along with her extended family and charged the holiday party she arranged for you, over the phone to your name and address?

Me boasting about you living in a mansion and having more money than you knew what to do with must have gone to her head. She sure wanted to get to know you better. When her relatives found out they would be spending the night in jail because they partied hardy and lit it on fire by mistake, you really got burned up over how they treated you.

If the police and fire crew hadn’t arrived and everyone got smoke inhalation I think they’d be toasting you and partying still. I hope you are out of the hospital when you get this letter. I think you’ll like how I hired an interior decorator for you and home sat for you while the job was done. No-one else in your posh neighborhood has their own interior wild animal zoo.

I had to fire your staff when they wouldn’t make room in the servant quarters for the elephant. My girlfriend’s family and friends forgive you and have moved in taking their place. Things got so crowded that she and I decided to take an around the world cruise.

I’m sending this letter from a little island paradise we found and bought. Thanks for leaving the code to your wall safe taped behind the portrait of your dearly departed husband. We toast him with only the finest champagne each night for sharing his good fortune with us.

I keep the shrunken head ornament on a gold key chain attached to my belt. It is the only thing you ever gave me without my asking.

I look forward to hearing from you. We could use a little help handling your creditors. They’ve been making statements about how much they like the shrunken head. So much so, they would like to see mine turned into the real thing for comparison. I don’t think they are being funny at all. I’ve hired lawyers in your name to deal with them, since I can’t fire them.

In closing, I know you will be anxious to see me. I can’t wait to see what kind of welcome gift you may be planning. What could match this shrunken head?

Your loving nephew,

Stephen Jay Arnold, the third