Journal

And then I had that dream

I had a dream the other night about them, about him. A typical dream for me, really; my mind giving me the opportunity to say things that I never got to say, to elicit responses that I will never receive, to process emotions that still remain.

I thought that I was over this, over him. That day driving home from work, when I realized that I was thinking of someone else for a change. I thought that I'd already moved on, that I was happy again.

Then one little stressor, leads to this. Why am I all of a sudden plunging back?

Well, of course there are real world answers. I got in a car accident. Not traumatic, but dealing with the insurance would be enough to make a normal person anxious, and a person like me....and I'm out of meds. Well, not quite, I'm stretching, but I can still feel it. It's my own damn fault, of course. A vicious cycle. I procrastinate, so I run low. And then I stretch, which makes me depressed, which makes me procrastinate. It's too simple, too perfect. I had all day to make one phone call, the one I didn't make.

But then, there's no real point in blaming myself. So what, you're sad. Get over it. Right? Well, not really. I should know that by now. Yes, I could have planned, but I didn't....time to pick up the pieces, force myself to make that phone call. I hope she doesn't take off Good Friday. Yeah, we're both Jewish, but maybe it really is like they say.

I hope it's not like they say.

If only I hadn't had that dream....

<I>It is never too late to be what you might have been.