Columnoscopy: Columns for 'The Observer'

1/4/13: Resolutions

Isn’t January like the worst month of the year?

I mean, after building up to Christmas since, what – early July?  And now, suddenly, you’re telling me that it’s all over? Now, what do we have to look forward to other than cold and snow? Seriously, besides more snow and sub-zero cold?

Personally, I was kind of looking forward to the fiscal cliff. So I could practice my swan dive off of it, into Lake Erie. Then I could report back to you on whether the lake had frozen yet or not.

And here you thought that all you got from me was clever sports commentary. Let the record show that I also do weather (weather permitting).

I know there are some of you out there who will maintain that January is all about ‘new beginnings’ and a chance to resolve to do things differently, starting, uh, now. Yeah, tell me about it: Joining a gym. Losing twenty (or in my case, thirty) pounds. Resolving to be ‘nicer’ to your fellow man. You know – unattainable stuff like that.

Now, I’m not here to burst your bubble, Bunky, but let’s face it: If you were really, really, REALLY serious about doing all of that stuff – I mean if your heart was really into it in the first place - would you have had to wait until January to set the ‘new you’ plan in motion? Wouldn’t the world have been better off if you’d started, say, last November fifth when you first started entertaining thoughts of improving yourself?  I’m merely mentioning this as a public service so you can return the dumbbells your wife got you for Christmas so you won’t feel like a dumbbell yourself after the thirty day return policy expires.

Okay, so maybe my tone is a bit cynical. For that I apologize, but I have been in a rather foul mood ever since the Browns (in the person of Jimmy Haslam) appear to have become enamored with the likes of Mike (not Vince) Lombardi. Browns fans whose memories extend back into the early 90’s will recall what a back-biting slime this guy was. I mean, the guy already has a track record here – and it STINKS!

I believe it was Scotty on Star Trek who once said, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ME.” I sincerely hope Jimmy Haslam saw that episode, too.

It’s kind of funny, because when I heard Randy Lerner was selling the Browns, my thought was, “We can’t possibly do any worse.” I think the football gods may be taking me up on that bet.

And about Steve Swisher, along with the other moves the Indians made so far this off-season: We spent $56 million for a guy who had DECENT stats last year; we didn’t get the second coming of Lou Gehrig. The Dolans overspent so they wouldn’t appear cheap in what was clearly a PR move more than anything else. And that kid pitcher Bauer they got? Remember Norman Bates in Psycho? Bauer makes Norman Bates look like Maya Angelou. Mark Reynolds will make Matt LaPorta look like a contact hitter. Bottom line: If all the trades work, maybe we play .500 ball. If not, we lose 100+ in 2013.

There, I got a chance to vent, and I feel much better for it, thank you. Things are looking up.

Isn’t January like the best month of the year?