Dave the Devil needs a hand, he wants to bring back the dark ages.
| Michael walked into the Horse and Hounds. Dave was still sat at the bar and the bar man, whose name he didn’t know, stood polishing a glass. Michael walked up to the bar.
“Yeah… had a good night?”
“You tell me Uruey Geller”
“He bends spoons you tit”
“Oh yeah, no I bloody haven’t, had a fight with a bloke who’d just fucked my wife”
“Oh well, could have been worse” Dave said not taking too much notice of the answer.
Michael shook his head. “Dave?”
“Have You had any funny turns lately?”
“What’d you mean?”
“Well, you just looked odd earlier that’s all”
“Oh, the old head spinning thing…big mouth and all that…funny voice?”
“Yeah…so I wasn’t seeing things?”
“Oh no dear boy, did you like it?”
“I’m sorry…you mean it was real?”
“Yes quite...I think it was my best one yet”
Michael stood next to Dave, still sat on his stool. He twiddled his glass and looked thoughtfully into the cool amber liquid.
“You’re quite calm, normally people go crazy”
“How long have you been doing it?” Michael took a sip from his pint.
“Well they would say two thousand years, but it’s a lot longer than that”
He coughed and the bubbly larger forced its way up into his nasal cavity. He screwed his eyes tight as pain ran around his skull.
“No, it’s true… I’ve been around while.”
“Ookkkkyy, right,” smirked Michael, “So what are you then?”
“What do you think I am?”
“A shit psychiatrist?”
“Yes very funny, but it’s closer than you think” Dave nodded at the barman who’d been busy ignoring the pair sat at the bar. He walked over to a wooden handle, reached up and grabbed a glass. He slid it under the tap and pulled down on the heavy handle. The brown liquid frothed into the bottom of the glass. He pushed the handle back up and heaved for a second time.
The glass brimmed with bitter and a froth spilled out over its edge. The barman handed the drink to Dave, who made no attempt to pay for it.
“Well, whatever you are; the perks are good”
Dave laughed, “Oh; the perks are very good”
Michael straightened himself and picked his phone from the bar.
“Well I’m off…been a bit of a night.”
“Don’t you want to know?”
“I’m knackard, think I’ll just go home.” Michael turned to go then remembered the visions. “Bollocks, go on then, surprise me.”
“I’ll start with what I can do.” Dave too a big gulp from his glass “You know what happened to you tonight?”
“Well that’s what I can do”
“What, shagg my wife and nearly bum a prozzy?”
“No you twat, make bad things happen, and good things come to think of it, although I haven’t done that for a while.… do you believe in God?”
“Do I balls”
Michael looked at Dave, “What, besides reason and the lack of any evidence”
“Yeah?'” snorted Dave “What if I could prove it?”
“This should be good…go on.”
“Well sort of… as I said, I made those things happen”
“let's say” Dave looked up from his pint “…I’m on the other side”
“What, a queer”
“For fuck’s sake” Dave said shaking his head “No, I’m from the dark side,”
“NO, fuck all to do with Darth Vader before you say it… Jesus, give me strength…Ha, I always find that ironic. No the Devil, Beelzebub, the horned beast, excreta, excreta…”
“What, you’re the Devil?”
“Well, kind of, next in line for the position if you like”
“Well that explains a few things”
“I must say, you’re taking this remarkably well; it's not every day you meet a beast from the underworld”
“Right, so just how did you cause this evenings frivolity?"
Dave smiled; he loved the reveal, “We can’t directly influence people, what we can do is influence the world around people, put things in their path, give them choices. I picked you because you’re a bit of a cunt.”
“Oh thanks a lot…”
“Oh come on, let’s face it; you ran up a seven grand debt betting on anything that moved, even after you promised your wife you’d packed it in.”
“Seven, don’t you owe Barry the Bastard two grand.”
“Oh, shit, I’d forgotten about that”
“Yeah, well he hasn’t. You drink too much, and you have a little liking for that six form hunny. What’s her name?”
“Yeah, that’s the one; she’s hot…but far too young for what you have in mind for her.”
“Bollocks, I wouldn’t touch her.”
“No, but you would if you though you could get away with it wouldn’t you?”
“Yeah, but there're a lot of things you’d do if you thought you could get away with it.”
“The difference with you is most people have a conscience, your ideal because you don’t”
“I need a piss”
Michael’s head span; h wandered across the bar and pushed open the door to the stinking pit they called the toilet. He screwed up his nose as the smell of ammonia rammed into his face. A pain in his cheek reminded him of the impact with the inside of the van, courtesy of that wife shagging bastard. His stomach twisted at the thought of her laid on her back with him going at it filled his mind without invitation.
The prozzy and the conversation with Dave the supposed Devil, had kept the thought at bay, but as soon as space became available the horrible image invaded like a hammer in a butterfly house.
Michael wobbled has he looked down into the river of urine to which he added his own. He looked around. The vision of the young girl on all fours with her cheeks spread, and the thought of ejaculation replaced that of his wife. The cubical called to him and without realizing the grip on his penis he stepped inside. His flesh hardened, and he concentrated on the picture of the girl staring back at him, naked, on all fours.
His eyes rolled back into his head as his orgasm mixed with the several pints and countless whiskies.
The result of his constant masterbating was reduced orgasm intensity as his body got used to the endorphins. Feeling slightly under whelmed, he tucked his penis back in his jeans and without washing his hands, returned to the bar.
Apart fromDave and the barman, the the placewas still deserted. Michael went and stood next to Dave, who was sat rooted to his spot.
“You can’t leave it alone can you?”
Michael shook his head in disbelief and shouted to the barman “You got a camera in there or something?” He turned, leant back against the bar and looked around. “How the bloody hell does this place stay open; it's hardly witherspoons is it?”
“Well it depends who you know doesn’t it," Said Dave
Michael drained his pint, “Right, thanks for the insight into the mind of a complete nutter; I'm' afraid I’ve had enough... I’m off home.”
Dave shook his head, “Right o Mikey boy. I expect I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Doubt it; I’ve got better things to be doing”
Michael put his empty glass on the bar, “Cheers” He said to the barman. He placed his hand on Dave’s shoulder and smirked “Cheer's pal, good luck with the old Devil thing.” He pulled his jacket on and headed out the door.