The Undiscovered Country

I Didn't Want Him

A friend and I had a conversation the other day about the difference between what we want and what we need -- especially as far as what God gives us. As long as we depend on him, he will always give us what we need. Rarely is it what we want, because, at least for me, what I want is too often not in line with God's will. I'm selfish that way.

I also think of God as holding back, and what I need is often not all that interesting or exciting. After all, what's exciting about being able to eat every day? To have a roof over my head? It's necessary stuff, and while I'm beyond grateful, none of it is blog-worthy.

What began the conversation was how her daughter decided that God could not exist, because he wouldn't let her have children (she and her husband tried for years and spent tens of thousands of dollars in fertility treatments -- to no avail).

She and her husband recently divorced, and my friend told her, "Maybe God knew that children weren't right for you, because of what eventually happened between you and your husband."

Her daughter said, "I never thought of it that way."

God has his reasons for doing things, and I told my friend, "While it makes sense, there could also be another reason -- or many reasons -- that they couldn't have children. Their divorce is only one possibility."

It reminded me of Dave and I's own journey with having children -- and a very profound thought hit me.

Neither Dave nor I wanted children, and we were perfectly content with that.

Twelve years into our marriage, I changed my mind. I was 35 at the time, and chalked it up as my biological clock ticking. I begged God every single day to take away the desire to have children. It was pointless to have that desire all of a sudden, because it was driven by hormones, and no other reason. Our life was just fine without kids. Plus, I knew Dave wouldn't change his mind, so these sudden, infuriating thoughts and desires were nothing but pain. I wanted -- and needed -- that pain to end.

Until one day Dave made an off-hand comment about children.

A small voice in my head said, "Pursue this."

I asked, "Dave. Did you change your mind about having kids?"

Quite meekly he responded, "Yes."

Long story short, we discovered on our 15th wedding anniversary that we were pregnant.

We now have an 8 year old son whom I couldn't imagine my life without. He has added so much love, joy and richness to my life that I thank God every day for giving me -- not what I wanted -- but what I needed.

A perfect example of how God sometimes determines that what we need is far more extravagant -- and blog-worthy -- than what we want.

Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are? . . . Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
Matthew 6:26 & 33