by BIG BAD WOLF
A collection of various short stories and poetry.
|Sir Daniel Fortesque meets up with The Scotsman, friend of Samurai Jack
(I will be using ^ for Sir Daniel’s mumbling. I will also be using correct spelling for the Scotsman, for I can’t do the Scottish Accent proper justice in writing.)
Aku brooded over what he had seen. He had just watched his most hated foe, that cursed sword-wielding time-lost samurai, vanquish an army of skeletons. What was even more incredible was that one of them had joined him as an ally in the fight! And then, after all was said and done, the samurai had helped the skeleton to its crypt, and told the folks in the nearby village of how it had helped him!
Aku then did some research on the person the skeleton had once been – Knight to a King, blab blab blab, Killed in battle, nice, made a Hero, bad, bla la blab, Sorcerer came, summoned the undead, the knight among them, knight fought and beat the sorcerer, blab la blab, Aristocrat came, used a book of the sorcerer to summon the undead, and the knight fought him as well, blab blab blab! And yet again, someone else had summoned him, and he had fought against them, again!
“You’d think these weaklings would know better than to summon a hero who fights those he summons,” said Aku. He then turned his attention to another one of his foes – a Scotsman who was, currently, the Second Most Wanted Man on the Planet! There he was, at a tavern, eating haggis.
“What’s haggis anyways?” Aku asked. He then did some research, and felt sick to his stomach. “Sheep’s stomach stuffed with meat and barley?! Yuk!!”
Then, he saw the Scotsman playing his bagpipes. At this first note, Aku immediately muted the spell he was using, so that he wouldn’t hear the infernal racket. “And people complain about My music! At least peoples’ ears don’t bleed after listening to me!”
Then, a number of patrons surrounded the Scotsman. More than a few had posters. Aku resumed the sound, putting up with the dreaded bagpipes, which thankfully quieted down.
“He ain’t no Samurai Jack, but he’s still got a hefty price on his head,” one of the bounty hunters said. “That and he’s a terrible pipes player.”
“That’s not what me wife says,” the Scotsman said. “And I ought to know – she has the voice on an angel.” The man’s look became dreamy. “Her angelic tones lull me to sleep whenever I’m with her, and she’s so beautiful, and compassionate.”
“I bet she’s fat and ugly, with the voice of a frog.”
The Scotsman’s eyes narrowed. “Oh you’ve done it now. You can insult my pipe playing all you want, but Never Ever Insult My WIFE!”
With a yell, the Scotsman drew his sword, and charged at the one who had spoken, slicing him in half, revealing him to be nothing but a robot. Others drew their weapons, and began firing. The Scotsman hid behind a table, which absorbed most of the rounds. After a while, the bounty hunters paused, to check their handiwork. The table was nothing but rubble, however, the Scotsman stood up.
“Was that the best you could do?” he asked.
The bounty hunters started to reload their weapons, just as the Scotsman lifted his left leg, which was really a machinegun.
“Let me try!” The Scotsman fired his weapon, moving his leg in a semicircle, taking out several more robot bounty hunters. He lowered his leg, and watched the dust clear. A number of them were standing close together, and pointed their weapons at him. The Scotsman grinned, pulled a grenade from the pouch on his kilt, removed the pin with his teeth, pressed a button, and tossed it at them. The grenade exploded, taking them out. Then, moving quickly, he grabbed the bounty hunter that snuck up behind him, and pulled him in front of him. The Scotsman cracked his knuckles. “Let’s try this with one hand behind me back.”
The bounty hunter dropped his weapons, and ran out the door.
The Scotsman scoffed at this. “Coward.” He then looked at the other patrons, who were looking at him. “Any other takers?” The patrons resumed eating and drinking. “Wise choice.”
Aku scoffed as he watched what happened. “Why are all these bounty hunters fools and idiots? I would have come up with a better plan than to just blast the table he was hiding behind! They can’t even shoot properly!”
The Scotsman walked up to the owner of the establishment, who was behind the counter. “I’m looking for a friend of mine, I think he might of come this way.”
The owner gulped. “What does he look like?”
“He’s as skinny as a twig, a head shorter than me, and he walks around in his pajamas, while wearing a basket on his head.” The Scotsman pointed at a Wanted Poster. “That’s him right there.”
The owner looked at it. “Oh, yes, he did come by a week back. He asked for some water for his tea, and sat by the fireplace. Some of the other patrons tried to collect the bounty on his head. He told them he’d fight outside, as he didn’t want the place to get ruined. Well, they went outside. He was the only one to come back in. He asked for more water, had his tea, and left quietly, without causing a mess.”
The Scotsman looked around, and saw the damage. “Yeah, that happens to me a lot. So, where did he go?”
“He didn’t say.”
“Yeah, he isn’t one for talking much,” the Scotsman said. “That being said, he has a habit of going to places that have trouble. Do you know of any such places?”
“There was a town plagued by an army of the undead not too long ago,” the owner said. “Something about a Sorcerer who was defeated by a swordsman. I’m not sure though.”
“I’ll go check it out. Oh, here’s something to pay for the damages.” The Scotsman pulled out a huge gold nugget from his pouch, placed it on the counter, and left.
“Where does he get those from?” Aku asked. “It’s not like you can just find those laying on the ground!” He then began to brood once more. “Too bad you can’t get these so-called Heroes of Justice to fight each other. Might make things-” Aku’s eyes widened. “Get them to fight each other?!” He grinned an evil grin. “Yes, get them to fight each other. Muahhahaha!”
A few hours later, Aku was at Dan’s Crypt, looking at a list. “Let’s see, one dead loser – check. One magic sword and golden shield – check. One antique Gatling gun – check. A bunch of old-fashioned bombs – check. Annoying Genie-thing tied up?”
“Mmmph!” said a magically bound, and gagged, Al-Zalam, who was hidden down a side branch of the Crypt.
Aku grinned. “Big check. Now, to make myself less evil looking.” At this, he transformed into his Hermit disguise. “He won’t suspect this form – after all, making myself look like a young beautiful woman would be really suspicious.” He then shot a bolt of lightning at the body. As electricity crackled through the body, causing it to jolt, and twist, and turn, and move, and clear the dust and cobwebs off, an eye reformed. “It’s Alive!”
^What in the world?^ Daniel mumbled as he swung himself into a sitting position. ^What foul evil creature has summoned me this time?^
^Ow!^ Daniel rubbed his head. ^Who hit me?^
“I did yah numbskull!”
Daniel looked, and found himself looking at a little old man with green skin, a black outfit, white hair, mean eyes, and big stick. ^So you’re the foul sorcerer who has summoned me!^
The old man hit him with the stick, again. “Call me foul again and I’ll use your skull to store pens and pencils in!”
^You sure are cranky,^ said Daniel.
“Get as old as I am, and you’d be cranky too!” the old man yelled.
^Why have you summoned me?^ Daniel asked. ^If you plan to conquer the world, it’s my sworn duty to stop you!^
“Nah, I’m not into that stuff,” the old man said. “You’d have rebellions, try to manage things, not to mention those guys that try to take you on. I prefer simpler things, like gardening, and protecting people.”
^So, why have you summoned me?^ Daniel asked.
“There’s a rather dangerous bandit I need you to put a stop to,” the old man said. “Otherwise he’ll destroy the village you’re the protector of.”
Daniel’s eye widened. ^You know, this is the first time someone has intentionally summoned me for a good reason.^ He then stood up, and picked up his weapons. ^Where is this bandit?^
“I will take you to a place where you can ambush him,” the old man said.
A portal opened up next to them.
“Mmmph! Mmph!” came Al Zalam’s muffled cries.
^What was that?^ Daniel asked.
“Uh, just the wind!” the old man yelled. “Now hurry, before you get left behind!”
At this, Daniel, and the disguised Aku, jumped through the portal, which vanished.
Al-Zalam managed to free himself, but was unable to remove his gag. “Mmph mmph! Mmph mmph mmph! Mmph mmph?” (Oh no! I must save Daniel! But how?) Then, he remembered something. “Mmph mmph! Mmph mmmmph mph.” (I know! That samurai guy!) He then zoomed out the Crypt.
Meanwhile, out on a lonely dirt road, the Scotsman was playing his pipes. Daniel, who was behind a large boulder nearby, was holding his hands to his head, as he looked at the old man, who was likewise holding his hands to his head.
“That’s him!” the old man yelled. “Stop him before he makes everyone deaf!”
At this, Daniel jumped out from behind the boulder, and put one of his hands up, still holding the other to his head.
The Scotsman stopped a few paces from him, and stopped playing. “By th’ look on ye face, I can tell ya like th’ pipes bony laddie!”
^That is not music!^ Daniel called out.
“Not music? In that case, get off the road and let me through!” the Scotsman demanded. “You’re free to do that! I know of a fella that played music which caused kids to go wild and be violent!”
^No, I will not let you through!^ Daniel said, as he got out his sword and shield.
“So, that’s the way you want it.” The Scotsman pulled out his claymore. “Then let’s see how well you like the taste of six feet of steel!”
The Scotsman swung his sword, but Daniel used his shield to block it. Daniel swung his sword, but the Scotsman parried the blow.
The Scotsman grinned. “Say, you’re pretty good. I like that! Ha ha ha! But let’s see how good you really are!” He then swung his sword again, this time shattering the shield.
Daniel gulped. This wasn’t going to be easy. The Scotsman punched him, causing his head to spin around.
Meanwhile, Samurai Jack was walking down a road, when a brown figure showed up in front of him – Al-Zalam.
“What are you doing here?” the samurai asked.
The samurai noticed the gag. “Evil magic?”
Jack pulled out his sword. “Hold still.” He swung.
The gag fell from Al-Zalam’s mouth. “Thank you. Daniel’s in trouble!”
“What kind of trouble?”
“Evil guy with big flaming eyebrows wants him to fight someone for whatever reason,” said Al-Zalam. “I don’t know who he was talking about, but if this guy hates him, he can’t be all bad.”
“Take me there!”
Al-Zalam grabbed Jack’s hand. “Hold on!”
Back at the fight, The Scotsman had retreated behind a pile of rocks. Daniel, he’d managed to get his eye to stop spinning around. He then focused on his foe.
“You got him!” Aku shouted. “Now go get him!”
The Scotsman noticed the old man. “So, Bony there is the servant of someone else. Hmm, seems familiar somehow. Can’t remember though. Oh well!” He then stood up, lifted his leg, and began firing at the skeleton. However, the bullets all went through the spaces between the skeleton’s ribcage.
Daniel picked up his Gatling gun, and fired it. However, the rounds all missed the Scotsman, badly.
“You can’t shoot properly, Bony!” the Scotsman yelled.
Daniel growled. ^I’ll show you!^ He pulled out a bomb, lit the fuse, and threw it.
The Scotsman saw this, pulled out a grenade, pulled the pin, pressed the button, and tossed it, before ducking behind the rocks.
The explosives went off with two loud Booms, scattering dust and rocks everywhere.
Daniel waited for the debris to settle, and stepped forward. However, when he got to the rock his foe had been using for cover, the Scotsman sprang out, and threw a punch, one that sent Daniel’s head flying.
^Not good!^ Daniel muttered. His body drew his sword, only for that to get knocked out. His body then pulled his left arm out of its socket, and hit the Scotsman with it, catching him off guard, for a moment. Then, the body ran towards Daniel’s head. The body grabbed the head, and was all set to put it on, when a blow hit him from behind. Daniel’s head found itself looking up at the Scotsman.
The Scotsman pulled out his sword. “Say your prayers, Bony.” He then lifted his sword, and swung.
Daniel closed his eye, and prayed for a miracle.
Daniel hesitantly opened his eye, and then opened it all the way. The Scotsman’s sword had been stopped by another one, which looked familiar. He followed it to his owner, and his eye widened. It was the samurai he’d met before.
The Scotsman looked at the samurai. “Laddie! Nice to see you again. Could you remove your sword so that I can finish Bony off here?”
“Normally, I would, but in this case, an exception has to be made,” said Jack. “Despite his appearance, Sir Daniel Fortesque is on the same side as you and me.”
“This bag of bones is a friend of yours, I take,” said the Scotsman.
“We worked together to save a nearby village,” said Jack. “If it wasn’t for him, I might not have been able to vanquish the necromancer who was controlling the dead in the nearby cemetery.”
“In that case, a friend of yours is a friend of mine,” the Scotsman said, sheathing his sword. “Still, I’d like to know why he attacked me. All I was doing was playing my pipes when he challenged me to a fight, all while I was looking for you.”
“Why were you looking for me?” Jack asked.
“My wife would like a basket like the one you wear so that she can pick flowers.”
Jack grinned. “I’m sure she would.”
^Wait a minute, you have a wife?^ Daniel asked, having put himself back together.
“Of course I do,” said the Scotsman. “I’m a fairly good husband, and I make sure that demons and the like don’t harm her. After all, she’s quite beautiful, and she’s got the voice of an angel.”
Jack coughed at this. Then he said, “Still, one thing we have to figure out is where the one who summoned you is.”
^Why is that important?^ Daniel asked. ^I was informed that this guy was a bandit.^
“Bony, I’m a lot of things, but a bandit isn’t one of them,” said the Scotsman. “There’s an old man behind those rocks.”
Jack scowled. “Aku! I know you’re here!”
“Muhahaha!” Aku appeared, in his real form, towering over them. “So, you figured it out.”
“I had some help.” Jack looked at Al-Zalam, who was hiding behind the rocks that the Scotsman had been hiding behind previously. He then looked back at Aku. “Now to finish you once and for all.”
Aku sent a bolt of lightning at the group, only for Daniel to jump in front of the Samurai and Scotsman, taking the blast that had been meant for them. As the two mortals looked at the skeleton, who lay on the ground, Aku took advantage of this, and turned into a bat, so that he could retreat to safety. “I’ll see you again, Samurai Jack!”
“You coward!” the Scotsman yelled. “You couldn’t face one warrior, let alone three! Bony here’s more of a fighter than you are! Go ahead and run!”
Jack placed his hand on the Scotsman.
The Scotsman then looked at Daniel, who was not moving.
The Scotsman grabbed Daniel’s hand. “Do you want me to play a dirge for you?”
Daniel’s eye widened. ^No! The magic is fading from me. Take me back to my Crypt.^
The Scotsman nodded. “We’ll do that for you, Bony.”
A little while later, Jack and the Scotsman walked out of Dan’s Crypt, the Scotsman was weeping, freely.
“I know he was a skeleton, and I know I would have beaten him easily, but he’s a brave one, eh laddie.”
Jack nodded at this. “He sacrificed himself, for our sake.”
“Say Jack, next time you meet Aku, give him a good one for Bony, and one for me.”
Jack nodded once more. “Believe me, I will.”