The history of Prosperous Snow written for the group Reminiscences
Fiḍál (Grace), 1 Qawl (Speech), 173 BE - Tuesday, November 22, 2016 AD about 9:38 AM Pacific Standard Time
Memories and Depression
It's Tuesday of Thanksgiving week. I'm depressed. I'm not sure why I'm depressed because there could be several reasons. Thanksgiving, November 24, is the beginning of the holiday season here in America. This time of year always depresses me. Sometimes it's the memories of my childhood, sometimes it's the short days and long nights, sometimes it's my financial situation, and sometimes there isn't any specific reason for the depression. This morning it could be my financial situation, but I don't think it is.
When I woke up this morning I was fine. I was cold, but I wasn't depressed. I accessed my Bank of America account online, saw that I need to add some money to get it above the $25.00 minimum; however, since I knew that might be the case it didn't depress me. I didn't become depressed until I ate five caramel crunch mini doughnuts. I could be that the sugar in the doughnuts caused my depression, but I ate some of the same doughnuts yesterday afternoon and they didn't cause depression.
I could be depressed because I still have to pay the power and cable bills. I'm expecting a check which will take care of this month's power bill, but not the cable bill. In addition, I owe a late fee on last month's cable bill which I have to pay this month. I already knew that so I've placed those in God's hands. I don't think those bill are depressing me. I suspect my depression comes from the fact that it's the holiday season. The holiday season has always depressed me for some reason. Maybe it's because of the short days and all the hype about Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the New Year.
I don't celebrate Christmas anymore. I don't celebrate my birthday, December 24, and haven't celebrated it since Mama died in 2012. I could be depressed over Mama's death. Mama died about a week after Thanksgiving in 2012. Mama always liked Thanksgiving and we always went out for Thanksgiving dinner or brought the dinner into the house until the last year of Mom's life. I enjoyed going to restaurants and buffets with Mom on Thanksgiving. I haven't went out on Thanksgiving since Mama died. I miss Mama so much I want to cry. I miss her every year at this time because she always enjoyed the holiday season, even when we stopped celebrating Christmas she still enjoyed the season.
Is it missing Mom that causes me depression. If that's the case I'm not sure what I can do about it except write about how much she enjoyed watching the Christmas lights and eating Thanksgiving turkey. I can also say prayers for the departed for Mama. Maybe I need to write Mama a letter for being a loving and supportive mother. I don't think I ever told Mom how much I appreciated her and her encouragement. I don't know if that will help my depression, but it's a good place to start.
About 3:41 PM Pacific Standard Time
We went to Bank of America today to deposit Faye's check. I deposited the check and then withdrew $20.00. Before I deposited the check I called Cox and NV Energy to tell them they would get their money, but that it would be late. I may have to give up Cox because it's so expensive and find something a bit cheaper. I'm not sure that I want to do this; however, it would be nice not to have to struggle to pay the Internet and television bill. It would mean giving up the landline which is probably a good idea. The only reason I can see keeping the landline is for emergency calls and finding my cell phone when I misplace or lay something on top of it. The landline also comes in handy when I forget to check the power in my cellphone, let the battery go dead and the phone turns itself off.
I'm sure the reasons I list for keeping the landline aren't good reasons to keep the expense of Cox. I have to cut down on expenses and cutting out the Cox Communications bill will free up money which I don't have and need to scrape up every month. I may not have to contact Faye for extra money if I cut out the Cox bill, which is a good thing because I don't like asking my sister to help with my debts especially after her drunken rant a couple of weeks ago. I suppose I should call her in the morning to let her know I got the rent check.
I think we're going to have our Thanksgiving dinner on Wednesday instead of Thursday, which is all right for me because that means I can spend Thursday either watching television or writing. I think I'd rather spend it writing because watching the Thanksgiving day parade always brings back memories of Mama and the joy she got from watching the parade. Perhaps that's a good reason to watch the parade. I know it would help me write memories of Mama which I need as part of my autobiography. However, I may not need to watch the parade to bring back memories of Mama.
What memories of my sister do I have? I know I must have some good memories from my childhood before Jerry came into our live and begin sexually abusing us. I would like to remember some of those. I want to cry because Faye and I aren't close like sisters usually are and I think that's because of the sexual abuse. I have to deal with those memories because they interfere with every, or almost every, good memory I have of growing up. I'm tired of having those damn memories pop up and interfere with my writing and everything else in my life.
I don't know how to stop them from causing problems. I hate myself because of them. I know what he did to us wasn't my fault, but that doesn't prevent me from hating myself. I suspect that Faye thinks I'm living off her and that I'm using her. I know that she thinks I was using Mom because she said so when when called me drunk. I know Faye was drunk, but that doesn't mean she doesn't think I used Mama. Faye doesn't have the guts to say what she really thinks when she's sober. When she get drunk then she doesn't think about what she saying and says what she really believes.
I think I or rather we (De and I) should find somewhere cheaper to live someplace that I can afford without having to depend on Faye. I have to get the books out of storage, if they are still in storage or Faye's still paying the storage bill. I suspect they may not be in storage or that she's stopped paying the bill. If I lose those books then I lose them. I should know better than to let my sister help me because she always expects me to do as she says when she helps me. At least, that's how it appears to me. I could be wrong. However, I'm not going to let her get any deeper into my life. I have to find a way to take care of myself without her help or for that matter the help of anyone in my family.
The Baha'is have been more of a family to me then my own sister. I can't say the same about Frank and Tom because most of the time they don't try to control my life. At least Tom doesn't. I know what I'm writing must sound crazy, but this is how I feel. Why can't I have feelings and write them down without fearing that someone is going to tell me those feelings are invalid and wrong. I'm sure that most of my problems can be traced back to the sesual abuse by Jerry. I wish I had someone to talk to about this who isn't family. Talking about this with my siblings will only cause more trouble because one of them will only end up telling me I'm wrong. Or that I should let it go because it was past and Jerry is dead now.
I know it happened in the past. I know Jerry is dead, but that doesn't mean that what happened isn't still effecting me emotionally. I'm writing this with tears welling up. I want to cry, but I'm not sure it will do any good. I think the best way to handle this is to write the emotions out. Write the memories that haunted me. If I don't want to put them in my autobiography I don't have to, but I have to write them down for my own well being and sanity.
‘Idál (Justice), 2 Qawl (Speech), 173 BE - Tuesday, November 22, 2016 AD about 5:07 PM Pacific Standard Time
A Scripture Comes to Mind
There is a Baha'I scripture I have to find. Part of it is running through my head. The scripture comes up everytime I think about Jerry and the way he controlled us all. He controlled Mom, Faye, my brothers and myself. Maybe the situation didn't effect them the same way it affected me. Perhaps I'm over sensitive about the whole thing. If I wasn't I could let it go the way my siblings have. I can remember several events in my childhood that seemed to affect me differently then it did my siblings; so maybe I'm over sensitive.
I have to find that scripture. The scripture said something about nothing ever hurting the loved ones or the beloved of God or was it of the Lord. I can't remember the exact quote. I'm sure it was one of the scripture revealed by Baha'u'llah. I know that once I find that scripture I can meditate upon it and find an answer to my dilemma or learn to let go and forgive myself. I suspect if I can forgive myself then I can forgive others. Sometimes forgiveness has nothing to do with other people because it frees the individual from herself.
I wish I could remember that scripture, but since I can't the only thing to do is pray about it. I'm sure that if it's God's will I find the scripture I'm thinking about.