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 |  My American Notebooks |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** When Nathaniel Hawthorne was writing, he kept a series of journals, The American Notebooks. They were part daily journal, part diary, but mostly a place for him to jot down and try out bits of writing he hadn't a full venue for yet. He kept character sketches, odd bits of conversation, and observances he wanted to remember for future writings in his notebooks. This, then, is my place for odd bits I want to remember. When you read this, keep in mind, you are rummaging through my mental storehouse. Check out:
And don't forget to vote for your favorite blogger each month. 
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Have you guys ever seen "National Lampoon's European Vacation" with Chevy Chase? You know the scene where they drive by Big Ben and Parliament and he just points out the window and says, "Look kids, Big Ben, Parliament!" And then drives on? (Or tries to.  )That's what my Geomorphology Labs are like. We take field trips that are what a friend calls, "testing your ability to effectively do geology at 30 mph."  The prof does what he calls "rolling stops" where he slows down the vans to around 30 mph and we all crane to look at whatever obscure geological feature he is pointing out at "just there on the near horizon at about 10:30 from the lead van." (He drives one van and the TA drives another while he talks on a walkie-talkie so both vans can hear.) He might as well be pointing into empty sky for all we get out of it. Then we do "full stops" where we all pile out and stand on the side of the highway inches from death while he shouts over the noise of oncoming traffic, waving his arms about to point out yet more obscure geomorphic features in the landscape about us while we shiver in the winter air. The whole time he quizzes us, endlessly quizzes us, about graduate level material. When we can't get it he looks at us like we are idiot children. Holy crap, I realize it's a 300 level course, but he asks stuff that the TA doesn't know and she's an actual rocket scientist getting her doctorate!Then usually we have the return trip to cobble together a meaningful map of whatever he's dragged us out to stare at. That's right. We get to color in the van on the way back. Furiously. While trying not to get carsick.  This time we got to do it in the dark.  Thank God he retires in the spring. He's an evil, evil man. Thank God, too, today was the last field trip. Four more weeks of classes. I can do this.  |
| My life is super compartmentalized. For the most part, I keep all my areas separate. Work, school, home. Each place touches the others, but doesn't overlap so much. (School can tend to run over into home if I'm not careful.) But lately, all the lines are blurring. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. On the one hand, it's kind of nice to not have to stop and put on a new mask depending on where I am and what I'm doing. On the other, it's disconcerting to have the different areas bleed into each other. It feels like a loss of control. And I'm pretty controlling. Maybe it's time to let some of my control go. Maybe that would be good for me. I know that being as big of a control freak as I am isn't good for me. Being sick for this week has put me behind in my classes. Two of them pretty badly. I'm hoping I can catch up. In fact, instead of being here, I should be working on my pre-Calc homework. But I'm not. ~sigh~ I've reached that part of the semester where I've started to struggle. I'm having trouble caring about the degree and am just trying to make myself go to classes. I've lost sight of the end goal. I have to recapture that or I'm sunk. I can't fail any of my classes or I lose my funding. It's time to cowgirl up. ~sigh~ I suppose I'd better go put my boots on. |
| That's how I feel, absolutely ghastly. I'm at school waiting on my next class and then I'm off to work. Ugh. I'm not contagious. I just feel like crap. And whilst reading my old emails I discovered I may never fill this damn blog up. When I first became a member, everyone could have 250 entries per blog. Period. Then they upped it, I think to 350 and then 750. So that's been my goal. I thought 750 was a high bar, but attainable. Right? Well, now premium members can have 1450 entries. Holy crap!!!  I'll never fill 1450 entries. I've been here four years and I'm only at 352. Maybe I should blog more. I'm gonna go read some blogs now. Maybe if I only make ten word entries I could fill it up. *Edited* I wanted to add the fact that Bozeman is currently under over 2 feet of snow. It has all fallen in a less than 24 hour period. It's the most snow to fall that fast in the last 18 years. It's still falling. I have two vehicles I drive, a small zippy Contour when the weather is nice, and an Expedition when it's like this. Today I had to park the Expedition on campus in an unplowed parking spot. It took me three tries to berth the QE2. I like my Expedition, but I prefer driving the zippy car. It parks easier on campus in these stupid tiny slots. |
| Being sick is boring. I'm tired of playing video games. My head doesn't feel clear enough to do homework. (Of which I have mountains.  ) I've tired of playing around on the internet. There is a dearth of good programming on in the daytime. (Disney has some good cartoons on in the afternoon, but alas, it isn't afternoon.) I'm tired of sleeping. I don't feel sick, exactly, but I've still got some fever, so I'm still contagious. I'm so bored, I've started doing chores. Laundry and cleaning the kitchen. Then I disinfected the kitchen after myself. I feel like Typhoid Mary. I hate cooties. I'm tired of coughing. I'm tired of sneezing. I feel like five of the Seven Dwarfs. Dopey and Sleepy from the medicines. Sneezy and Grumpy from the flu. And Doc from all the pills I keep shoving down my own throat! I suppose I'd better go at least TRY to do some of my homework. It will be due tomorrow morning. And I'm four days behind in Calculus. ~sigh~ We are doing Trig and angle calculations in there right now. I'm sad about that. I hate cosines. Ok, I actually hate everything right now, so maybe it doesn't count. But on an up note, I wrote a nice Haiku this morning while I was cleaning the kitchen: Winter Apple Tree Red-orange globes hang, inviting winged visitors. Nature's dinner bell. My kitchen window looks out on my apple trees in my backyard. It was covered in birds this morning. They were eating the fruit we'd left on the trees. I think of it as a little buffet table for them. |
| And this is what I get for taunting the fates. I have the fucking flu. I sneezed about 6 times on Thursday. Friday I got up with a MASSIVE migraine. So bad it made me vomit several times during the day. (I haven't had one that bad in months.) By Friday night my nose was running and I was coughing to beat the band. My whole head was stopped up. Saturday I was miserable and feverish and by nightfall (like always) it had moved into my chest. Hubby started getting worried about how fast it had come on and didn't want me down with bronchitis. So Sunday morning off we trundled to Urgent Care. We were going to wait until 9 (they open at 9 on the weekends), so I hopped in the shower at around 8:15. Plenty of time. Except, showering almost made me pass out. The hot water or getting out of bed or something. After my shower, I just went and laid down again for about an hour, I was exhausted. It was pathetic. Finally he bundled me off to Urgent Care where they diagnosed flu and acted like I was Typhoid Mary. Didn't want to touch me with a ten foot pole. Told me to stay home and not infect others, etc. Gave me a Z-Pak for the sinus and ear infection accompanying it. Some special little cough drop things since I'm allergic to cough syrup. So, I'm home until Wed. If I feel better then I can go to work. Back to school on Thursday. Luckily I don't have anything really shaking at school until next Wed. I have a test then. I've texted classmates about getting notes from them and my Math TA about making up Friday's quiz. I just shot off an email to my Geomorphology prof about missing tomorrow's hike for lab. He won't be thrilled. I'm expecting he'll give me an F for that even though I can't help it and I offered to do some sort of make up work. I'm just glad I don't have to go on another Battan Death march with the old bastard. Monilad is home with me today. She has it, too. She's had a cold for a week, and now she's got a fever with it. That's us, one big loving, sharing family. I'm sucking down Vitamin Water like it's hard liquor and she's doing the same with Mango juice. Looks like Chicken Noodle soup and crackers for lunch. We'll have to share the crackers with the cats, though. (They love crackers.) I think my inhaler is making me manic and twitchy. Otherwise I wouldn't be chronicling every minute of my boring sickness with you guys, but hey...it is, so I am. Sorry, guys. Hope tomorrow with be better. I'm gonna go try and get some rest. |
Last night I wrote a quick poem for Katya the Poet  's "Dew Drop Inn"  .It's "Invalid Item" . It's supposed to be about money or about an object personified from a monetary view point. (The details are over in the forum.)It's about when Monilad and I were homeless and I was barely keeping it together. Tell me, is it too over the top? I tried not to be ham-fisted with it. |
| Anybody read The Last Centurion by John Ringo? I was just over at Special Kay  's blog reading her entry "Invalid Entry" . If any of you have read the book, you've already drawn the same parallels I have.It's like this John Ringo guy had a crystal ball. Here's a link to the book, I won't do a synopsis...go read someone else's...I try not to do book reports anymore. http://www.thelastcenturion.com/ If you don't like books with the word fuck in them? Don't read this. He uses it liberally. If you can see past it to the excellent story behind it, then read it. My point? I'm not a shot getter. Period. I've got the basics they make you get in order to attend public learning institutions, but I don't get flu shots, etc. The worst case of flu I ever got was the one time I got the damn flu shot. I should have been hospitalized, but we couldn't afford it. I also am one of those paranoid weirdos who thinks that we are creating super-viruses with anti-bacterial soap. We are forcing the viruses to mutate faster to live longer. We are selectively creating strains that will survive anti-viral, anti-bacterial and anti-microbal soaps, wipes, creams, gels, etc., and that is why you find the strongest strains in places like hospitals, where they anti- the hell out of everything. Only the strongest, most resistant survive to breed and pass on their genes. Darwin, baby. Darwin. Anyway, crazy rant aside.... The book has a plague like the swine flu that could have been prevented or at least vaccinated against if not for the ineptitude of the man on the ground. People like the jackasses at Kay's kids' school. Me? I'm not getting the vaccine. I'm going to encourage my family not to get it. It just sets up the next one to be stronger and more resistant. Besides, the side effects of the damn vaccination would probably kill me. |
| Right now in Chemistry, we are discussing energy. Specifically, the entropy in any given system. The simplified definition of entropy (near as I can tell) is the tendency in natural systems to disperse energy toward chaos. (Actually, the definition just includes the dispersal bit...I added the chaos part....but if you read the whole thing, that's what they are talking about.) If you think about it, on a big picture scale, and I'm talking REALLY, FREAKING big scale, everything is described by entropy. Look at our universe. We are sitting here on our little planet swirling around our Sun in our little solar system in its little galaxy that is quietly hurtling itself away from the initial moment of creation. Entropy. Pour water out on a table or counter top. It seeks level ground, but unless channeled, spreads itself randomly across the surface. Entropy. Leaves on the wind. Unless stopped by a barrier, they scatter. Entropy. Air from a popped balloon. Entropy. Drop a spoonful of sugar on the floor. Does it stay in the shape of the spoon in a nice pile? No. It scatters out randomly, spilling wherever there are no barriers. Entropy. It's odd how much of life is driven by this chaotic natural state. And it cracks me up that scientists weren't happy until they could measure chaos and randomness. There are formulas for finding how much entropy any given system has. That's right. You can MEASURE how random or chaotic something is. Does that strike any of you as funny as it struck me? Here's the formula in case any of you were wondering how to do it: ΔG=ΔH-TΔS This formula will help you measure the sponteneity of any given system where G=Free Energy, H=enthalpy, T=temperature Kelvin and S=entropy. And just like that, you can see how chaotic or random any system is. How do you reckon they figured that out? Two scientists sitting in a lab one day asking one another, "Hey Bob, think we could measure chaos?" "Sure, Fred, with the right tools we can measure anything! We're scientists!" Science is full of weird and wonderful stuff. |
| It's raining/snowing. Again. Yeah, yeah, I know. Tis the season. Whatever. From Halloween to Spring Break is my least favorite time of the year. I'm just not a fan. Never really have been. I mean, yeah, Christmas break and New Year's are neat, but aside from that, it's not all that great. The world is asleep. People are frezied, broke and surly. Relatives impose on you for Thanksgiving. Retail stores pipe ENDLESS holiday music every where you go. Gah. I hate Christmas music. The semester is 60% over according to a sign near the clock in the Math Learning Center (the math help place I go on campus). I pondered as I saw that....have I learned 60% of things in my three classes? Hmmm.....I don't feel more knowledgeable about them. I suppose it's cumulative. What percentage more knowledgeable DO I feel? Maybe 20-30%, I guess? Certainly not 60%. 60% implies I've almost mastered the material at hand. Which I haven't. Not by a freaking long shot. The old Celts and (many modern Wiccan practitioners) belived that Halloween (or Samhain) marked the end of the year. It was the when the old year died and a new year was born. Maybe that's how I'll treat this weekend. As a new beginning. The time is changing so I'll get an extra hour, that'll be nice. I can start fresh. Pile up that scattered poop.  From there it's all gravy, right? I think I've only got one more set of tests before finals. No relatives this year for Thanksgiving, so that's one thing down. And if I wear my iPod, I won't be able to hear every rendition of Silent Night known to man!  Maybe I'll even get a nice blooming plant so I don't feel like the world is so asleep. Now I've got a plan! |
| Do you ever go though life thinking you really have all your ducks in a row, all your balls in the air, that you are really hitting your stride, that your poop is all piled up? And then...you stumble. It doesn't take much, a missed appointment, a missed class, you are late to work on an important day. Suddenly you are sitting in the floor with your balls scattered around you, your ducks wandering aimlessly and your poop smeared all over the sidewalk. You know that feeling? I've got that. ~sigh~ For some reason last week, I dropped my balls. Hubby says it's because I'm trying to juggle too many. I say it's because I juggle handicapped a lot of the time. He says that's why I shouldn't juggle so many. I say I just want to feel normal and like I can do normal stuff. But, I hate dropping balls. It takes forever for me to hit my groove again. Took me two months to really get into this one. Took two days to shake me out of it. Now I'm all discombobulated and have to build back up from the ground floor. A hard task in the middle of the second act. But, I will. Because that's what I do. But sometimes I hate having to do it. I hate the high highs, I hate the low lows. I hate the days I can't function. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them. And then I pick up the pieces. Throw me that ball, will you? |
| My daughter and I almost pissed ourselves when we read this story: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,569204,00.html?test=latestnews !!!!It just doesn't get any better than that. The dude WRECKED his La-Z-Boy! ! |
| I have a silly little character that I use when I'm writing flash and short fiction who I call Ariana. She's an inept witch with a familiar named Midnight. I've written three stories with her and I've got a couple more that are kicking around in my head. I won yesterday's "Daily Flash Fiction Challenge" with "Invalid Item" . It wasn't a large field of competitors, but it was nice to win anyway. I get comments in the reviews that I should expand Ariana into a longer story or a novella, etc., but her appeal for me is that I can do tiny little flash pieces with her. I don't need to expand her. She is a cliche', and that is nice to write to sometimes. I dashed off yesterday's piece while eating dinner and waiting for a study session. It was nice to not worry about revising or first drafts or any of that. I just tossed it off. I like having a venue and set characters for that. Am I alone in that? |
| As I type this the couple on my left is having a loud-ish discussion (argument?) in what seems to me to be a Middle Eastern language. On my left two women are having quiet discussion in what I think is Norwegien, although it could be Swedish. I can generally place languages on continents and general regions, but I'm not very good at narrowing it down beyond that. For some reason, I've stumbled into the foreigner student corner of the cafeteria. It was crowded when I got here, so there wasn't a lot of selection. I actually didn't realize there was such a place, but as I close my eyes and listen, the people two tables over are speaking Spanish (I recognize that one), and three women at the table next to that are speaking Japanese (I know that one, too). A group of Indian students just came and sat nearby and are speaking an Indian dialect and laughing with one another. (I recognize one of them from my Chem class, she and I share notes sometimes. I can't spell her name, but it sounds like Jahdma (?). She's a microbiology major.) It's funny I never thought of MSU as a major mecca for foreign students, but apparently it is. Students from around the world think Montana would be an exciting and exotic destination. OK. (I suspect it's also tons easier to get into than, say, Harvard or MIT. )It adds an interesting dimension to classes, but it's a tad frustrating to pull a TA whose first language isn't English. There is a language and culture barrier sometimes that is difficult to hurdle on both sides. They want to be understood, we want to understand them. I suspect many foreign students feel the same way about taking classes in the first place. It's frustrating for them on some level trying to understand new concepts in a new language. There are opportunities to take a semester and study abroad, but I pass every time. I don't think I have the patience. I need the comfort of home and family. I just don't think I'd make a good stranger in a strange land. Perhaps if I could take Hubby with me. |
| I'm not sure if I've talked about it in here, but at MSU (that's Montana State University for anyone who doesn't know) there is a duck pond. It's a nice place centrally located on the campus and during the day, odds are at one time or another most students walk past it. During the more temperate months, people sit out and feed the ducks bread and what not and just sit to contemplate nature. It's kind of soothing. There are benches and rocks scattered around the pond for contempletive purposes. Since no one bothers the ducks and, in fact, go so far as to feed them, many of the ducks winter over instead of flying south. Hey...even ducks know a cushy gig when they see it. Lately, on my way to class, I have noticed a little clump of baby ducks. There are usually about 8 to 12 of them that travel in a little pack. I never really thought about them beyond, "Oh, how cute!" They aren't really baby ducks, more like pre-teen ducks...if you will. They can't fly, but they aren't yellow and fluffy. They are in that awkward juvenile stage. There is never an adult with them when I see them, but they all stay together. Peeping and baby quacking to let one another know where they are and to "wait up, please!" or perhaps they are saying, "Come on, slowpokes!" I don't know, I don't speak baby duck. Today, though, I was headed their way and wasn't in a hurry, so I walked along with them. They aren't in the slightest afraid of people, so they didn't mind that I ambled along at baby duck pace behind them. They walked down the sidewalk as if they had a destination in mind and I was curious...what takes a baby duck away from Mom and Dad and the seeming safety of the pond? Because they were walking away from the pond area and toward the main part of campus. They just waddled along at a brisk little baby duck pace stopping every fifteen feet or so to huddle for about ten seconds on the sidewalk before one (never the same one) would get up and signal it was time to proceed. The rest would pop up like daisies and follow along only to go about fifteen more feet and stop and do the huddle thing again. They were about seventy-five to one hundred yards away from the pond (walking on the sidewalk the whole way) when we reached what I realized had been their destination. They suddenly veered off onto the snowy lawn of the main quadrangle of the campus and raced over to start picking at the fallen crabapples under one of the many crabapple trees out on the main lawn. It was adorable! Later in the afternoon a friend and I were walking to class along the same sidewalk when she spotted the baby ducks headed our way. We had time so I stopped her and pointed out the huddling thing and the final destination...sure enough they huddled and waddled their way past us to go racing over for a midafternoon snack of crabapples. I'm glad it's getting warmer this weekend, I think the early cold snap has been hard on the little guys. Tomorrow I'm going to take my camera in and try and get some shots...especially of the huddling. |
| I made Zucchini muffins on Saturday while my child and husband left me blissfully alone all afternoon. They went to the MSU homecoming game (I believe MSU got stomped. ) They went to watch the marching band. Well, my CHILD went to watch the marching band. Hubby went to watch football and bitch about the inept coaching skills of the MSU head coach. Whatever. All I know is I got to spend all afternoon alone. They even went grocery shopping for me. Which is sometimes a mixed blessing. I love having the shopping done and not having to do it. Which can be huge some weeks. But, because I'm a big ole control freak, I like to do it myself most of the time. When I write the list if I know I'm not going, it reads like War and Peace because I'm as specific as possible. I don't write "milk." I write "2% or skim milk no hormones." Then when they get to that item, they either figure it out or call me. Sometimes a trip can generate ten or more phone calls or text messages for clarification. Then when they get home, the justifications start. "Look, they were out of the kind you wanted, so we got...." "I know you put down X but we had to get Y." Because during shopping, the man on the ground has to make the decisions as they come up. Them's the breaks. I hate that they know I'm such a freak that they sit at the bar as I unload the groceries and we do a play by play breakdown of the list. But while they were gone, I made zucchini muffins. Last time I made bread, but I like to make muffins, too. They are perfect for breakfast or snack and very portable. When I make them, I line my muffin tins with whatever I have on hand. This time it was old squashed Valentine and Christmas cupcake papers. They were flattened and folded funny. You know, from being shoved into the back of the cabinet. But, hey...at my house, nothing gets wasted. We recycle everything! I tidied them up best I could and sprayed them with Pam. Hubby could care less about the fact that his muffins come in Pooh and Piglet Valentine papers. Monilad just laughs and rolls her eyes. ~shrug~ Whatever. They performed the job I needed them to. At my house recycling and repurposing is the way it is. Even if it's Valentine's Day in October or Halloween in July. Which reminds me....I need to put cupcake papers on next week's grocery list. Hmmm...how to word that specifically....... |
| Have you ever read that children's book by Judith Viorst? "Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day?" I used to read it all the time when I was little. And my daughter would check it out from the library all the time, too. It's all about the awful day Alexander is having. Every little thing goes wrong for him. Today is that day for me. I got up on time, only to find out it was snowing. Ok, I can deal with snow. But it was slick out. Ok, I can deal with slick, I decided. I would just drive the Expedition. So I get to school. Riddle me this, Batman....why when the little yellow lines go away can people not figure out that parking spots are STILL only 10 feet apart?! They don't magically transform into fifteen foot parking spots. Nor do they change from straight in parking into angled parking by virtue of lack of little yellow lines. I've decided I go to school with a bunch of dipshits. So I was late to class because I couldn't find parking. I even made it here earlier than usual, just so I could circle endlessly looking for parking. Like a 747 circling O' Hare on a bad weather day waiting to land. I called Hubby while I circled to bitch about the parking abilities of my schoolmates and he suggested parking in one of the (MANY) enclosed construction sites on campus. The guy who is the foreman in charge of one of them is a friend of Hubby's and happily gave me the combination to the gate. (They weren't working because of the weather.) So off I go to park in the construction area. As I start unlocking the gate, I get accosted by two school officials. No, no, it doesn't matter if I have permission, I can't park there.  Fine. I'll circle some more. By now I've been doing it for 20 minutes and I'm late for class. I even check the pay lot but it was full. I was willing to pay for parking even though I've paid for a parking pass for the semester, I was that desperate to get to preCalc. Finally a spot opened up. I rushed into class fifteen minutes late. I didn't feel as bad when three other people came in after me. We had a take home quiz so after class I went to the Math Learning Center to get help with it and instead of being able to only take an hour or so, I struggled for three hours on the test and Monday's homework. Now I don't have time to work on the Chemistry I needed help on today, too. (Yes, I know I'm on here...I'm eating lunch. Which I had to buy because I forgot to pack one in my hurry to leave in time to circle endlessly.) On my way out of the Help Center, I stuck my hand in the pocket of my coat to retreive my gloves when I heard an awful "Riiip" when I looked, I'd ripped the pocket of my nice leather coat. Now I have to figure out where the hell I'm going to get a leather coat repaired. And how much that's going to cost.~sigh~ Now I have a crap-ton of Chem homework due by midnight. I've got to do it myself with out the help I was hoping for. I have a rip in my coat. I still have to go to work this afternoon. AND I can't go home and get in my pj's as soon as work is over because Monilad is out at the football game tonight and will need a ride home later. So I have to stay dressed in order to go pick her up. Do you see why this is my terrible horrible no good very bad day? Well, break time is over...this Chem isn't going to fail itself. PS--and oh, yeah, what the fuck was the Nobel committee thinking?!? http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2009/10/09/phil-kerpen-obama-nobel-peace-prize-wi... Basically they gave it to him based on his campaign slogan. Really?! Why not give those Coca Cola people a Nobel, then? They've been trying to bring the world together with a slogan for years. Carter, Gore....and now Obama. WTF. What really is the point? |
| I've written two other blog posts since my last one. I put them on private because I'm not ready to talk yet. I'm still here, we are still healing. Tonight we go to therapy. Instead of posting something real, I think I'll go clean out my inbox. I'm always good at avoidance. |
| And life slogs forward. The wheels on the bus keep going round and round. Regardless of whatever personal tragedy I might be having, I still have homework due. I still need to go to work. Life goes on. I guess that's the way it works. The other night I ordered pizza and while I was waiting to pick it up, I went and sat by the Madison River to wait for it. There is a small state park...an access spot for fishermen, really, near the main road, and when I need to wait, I drive there and walk down the bank and sit on a rock actually out in the river. It's pretty deep there and really pretty. Especially this time of year. There are trees that lean out over the banks. Some were already turning and dropping their leaves slowly into the flow of the river. As I watched the river, I sat and meditated. As I did, I had an epiphany. People talk about time as being like a river. It only flows one direction. You cannot experience the same moment twice. When we are born, we are born into a small tributary way upstream of the river of time. Slowly it makes its way down to larger and larger branches of time, joining the flow until we reach the broad smooth river that eventually flows out into the sea. Along the way, sometimes the way is smooth and gentle, sometimes the way flows roughly over obstacles. Sometimes, there are rapids, even falls. But eventually, we all make it to the sea. No two people have the same journey. I guess right now, I'm on some rapids. Hubby is home and he and I are working things out. Thank you for all your well wishes.  |
| Sometimes in life you realize that you have to play the cards you are dealt. Or, I suppose, the hand that you engineered for yourself. Because to some extent, we have some say in the cards we keep and the cards we discard. But at some point, you have to play the hand out with the cards you are holding. It might be at that point that you wish you hadn't tossed that option to tell the truth fifteen years back. Or you might wish you hadn't taken this job, or that job. You might wish that you had buckled down in college and got better grades. Or even in high school, when the scholarships were being passed out. Maybe you wish you hadn't so many things...or maybe you wish you had so many other. But none of that matters. You have to play in this moment with the cards in your hand. No redeals. No opting out of the hand. Play your cards. In 1996, when Hubby and I first started dating, I had a chance to be honest with him about something. Instead I lied. Now we have lived with it for this long. I've compartmentalized my life to a severe degree in order to prevent him finding out about my lie. Now, it's out in the open. In a way I'm relieved. I'm tired of lying about it. Fourteen plus years is a long time to be dishonest to the one you love. And I do love him. I love him very much. It remains to be seen if he can forgive me. For now? I have to play the hand I've got. I don't have an option on other cards. |
| Today I took charge of my life. Ok, not in any earth shattering way...but I did do something about a situation I've been whining about for about a month. Sometimes I tend to just bitch and whine about stuff and not actually DO anything about it. Well, I vowed to myself that I wasn't going to do that anymore. Instead I'm going to be more take-charge about things and be a doer not a bitcher. Remember the "Basically" TA? Today I went and transferred out of her section. The class that meets in the same room the hour before is the same class with a better TA. (I knew him from last semester...he also TA'd the Algebra section right before mine. Funny coincidence, huh?) I knew from others last semester that he was a good TA, so I took the bull by the horns and attended his class today. It was fabulous!! I actually understood what he was talking about AND he didn't use the word "basically" once! Woot!!! I asked him after class if he minded if I transferred in and he said he'd love to have me. So I went and found the prof who signed the transfer and then I went back down and talked to the "basically" TA and told her I'd be transferring out. Whole thing took me 10 minutes. Fifteen if you count walking it over to the registrar and getting it rubber stamped. And I stressed and fretted about it for a week before I did it! That's right, ladies and gentlemen, fifteen minutes and a minimum of effort CAN change your life for the better.I was proud of myself that when the prof asked me why I was transferring I gave him the truth without being rude or cruel. I simply said that Basically's teaching style wasn't a fit for me and that I had attended one of the other TA's classes and that I thought it would be a better fit. The prof sat in on Basically's Tuesday class, so he knows how she teaches. I didn't throw her under the bus, but he knows she can't teach. I like when I can take the high road AND come out a winner. Last semester I had a Chem Lab TA who sucked and I just put up with it all semester. I almost failed Chem Lab. I'm excited I did something about it this time.Let's hear it for personal empowerment. |
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