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Who am I, Where am I Going, and Where have I been? The story of my life!
Jan 11, 2007

Today, I start attempting to keep one of my goals this year. To write daily. A little about me. I'm a 35 year old mother of 2, married for almost 15 years. I live in urban Indiana and currently stay at home and am a full time student. What makes me different from anyone else? Not much. lol...I have a strange sense of humor. I love to read. I love to sing. I like to play online. I lost both of my parents 6 years ago. Each year things get easier, except in a way they also get harder. Only somone who has been there will have any clue what I mean.

Why am I here? I feel compelled to write. A few years ago my husband and I took a bible study course at church called Disciple 1. Awesome Awesome study. 34 weeks, 80% of the bible. At the begining we had to discuss why we were there...my pat answer was to learn more abou the bible. Funny thing was, in the end, I'd learned a whole lot more. I learned I could have a personal relationship with God. I learned alot of things. I learned about spiritual gifts....and in the end of that study, we had to get up and give a testimony about our time in disciple and what we had learned....my first entry will be that testimony I shared with our congregation that day...the only changes I've made are to remove names.

My plan for this journal/blog is to just talk about me, my daily life, my kids, and whatever God puts on my heart. Pray for me that I may be obedient in this.

Check out these links! Pleeeease :)

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I look forward to touching base with whomever stops in....

God's blessing on you

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February 3, 2007 at 5:26pm
February 3, 2007 at 5:26pm
Feb 3, 2007

Football fan or not I'm rooting for the Colts in the Superbowl tomorrow. First of all, I live in Indiana..near Indianapolis, and grew up there. I remember when the Colts came to Indy..I was just a kid but it was a big deal! I also am just thrilled that 2 men of faith are leading their teams in the Superbowl! Our pastor sent us a pdf file of a full page ad out of USA Today~that I believe Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith took out...and a website is listed...www.Beyondtheultimate.org. It tells the stories of several members of each of the 2 teams playing who are christians...I just think it's an awesome awesome testimony. While there has been a lot of hype over the fact that 2 African American coaches are going to be in the Superbowl...(not from the two coaches, if you were watching the night of the playoffs, they don't seem to make a big deal of that, nor do I...honestly...I think making such a big deal of the color of their skin makes for too many pigeon holes)But I do think it's a big deal that 2 Men of Faith, who are willing to walk the walk and talk the talk in public are going to the superbowl and I think it's just awesome (and I really could care less about Football...lol)

On the other hand..one other hot topic of the Superbowl is all the parties that have been cancelled-around the country, and at local churches because of NFL Copyright Law...I think it stinks...I really do and I think the law needs to be changed. What an outreach tool! Mind you, they haven't said they can't do it..but they've put major stipulations on it...which is their right, I suppose but I disagree...I've seen responses from 2 different pastors..one stating they would not have their superbowl party because as Christians we are called to follow the laws of the Land...as long as they don't go against the laws of God...the other one said that the NFL not allowing them to have their party was keeping them from reaching others for Jesus Christ as we are told to do in the Great Commission (Matthew)

The first one stated we should be working to change the law though, because it is a wrong law......I tend to agree with him...I also think the church members should open up their homes to do it,..to get around the law...and still reach others for Christ...a bit rambly I know..but...lol..such is me...

I am grateful to be living in a land where people can speak their beliefs and live.

February 2, 2007 at 1:46pm
February 2, 2007 at 1:46pm
Feb 2, 2007

I don't really have a topic today, unless of course one pops up while I'm typing...lol. That's the way some of my conversations go...I tend to be quite the chatterbox, generally have an opinion and dont' always manage to keep my mouth shut (but for my faithful readers, you already know that..lol)

It's Friday!!!! Yeah! J didn't have school today anyway..it's the first Friday of the month. So we slept in a bit, he and I...well he did..I had to get my beloved and C up and out. C got out at 12:45 and just got home a bit ago. Nothing major is planned for this evening...to my knowledge. Tomorrow I am taking the kids and going to a friends house. There will be lots of kids, a few adults and lots of fun. :)

What is your biggest fear? What drives you to get things done? What element of you stands out most in your writing and what face are you showing your readers?

This is one of the things I struggle with, both in the blog and in my writing. My biggest fear is being alone and losing those I love...I know they are in God's hands but having lost both of my parents so closely together in death and having lost close friends for other reasons...sometimes I feel so isolated in this busy busy world. Then again there are days I can't even pee alone...lol I'm not a very motivated person and generally I write the most and the best when I'm down and struggling and trying to find my way through my emotions. Sometimes God gives me words to put down and I just don't seem to have much choice except to be obediant and write. I want to write all the time..I know, I do, daily here...but I want to write things that touch peoples souls and stir them to do great htings for God. I hope that my faith and my gratitude and the many blessings I have been given by God is what stands out to my readers. That's the face I want to show them. The characters in my head...don't behave that way though..and though their conversations and actions take place..when I try to put them on paper, it's stiff...and I don't know how to explain it. I know God can use all things for good...but the characters in my head....have existed for a while and grown....and many things have happened to the main character...then again...writing it through...maybe that's the purpose..her survival against the odds...though credited to her family ...(ok, rambling again...lol)

I want to show the world my God and savior and I believe I was called to do this in writing and in singing. Did I tell you I sing in our Praise Team at church? I love to sing. Music is my connection to the Lord..one of them.

Does God talk to you? Really talk? I might have to blog another entire entry on that subject...hmmmm stay tuned.

I am grateful and humbled to be one of the called and chosen of Christ. You can be too...it's easy, difficult, and one of the most rewarding things in life.


P.S. I went looking for something to do, found a survey ...It's a lemonade stand and the gps donated are given to groups that help out around WDC.and got this in an email! I thought it was pretty cool and wanted to share.

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February 1, 2007 at 10:59am
February 1, 2007 at 10:59am
Feb 1, 2007

I was hoping today would be one of those days I could get on here and post to you that I was doing much better and all was well. In fact, all is well...and in a sense I am better. Sort of. But the truth is I got a bit of a wake up call yesterday.

I am one that needs structure in all things and a time line to get it done. I procrastinate. I forget. If it's not in front of my face, well I'm not overly motivated. I want to be, plan to be for the next day, but just am usually not.

Last night it came to my attention that I hadn't been spending hardly anytime with God. I also haven't been doing much bible study or devotional time. I need this. I need this for my relationship with my heavenly Father and I need this for learning and for peace and for guidance.

Part of my problem is that I'm not in a bible study at church right now...again not exactly true..but ...let me explain. A few years ago, I was in Disciple 1..it takes a huge commitment and a lot of structure. I loved it and learned so much about God in that time...and about myself. When it was over, it was almost like being out of school for the summer. I took a vacation. I missed it but it was kind of nice to not have to do it. Now you would think after 34 weeks of reading the bible...it would be a habit. It wasnt'. But when fall came and we started back into a new bible study...it felt good. When that bible study was over...there was no more Disciple...there are more books but the only Disciple study going on at our church is a Disciple 1 class. I go to church on Wed night and we are doing a bible study in there ...Confronting the Controversies...It's about real life issues (abortion, separation of church and state..etc) and the bible and making a Christian decision...I've missed 2 of 4 weeks because of something going on...and I'm honestly not real into it. Prior to that, we were in a bible study on Monday nights called Beginings...only it wasn't meaty ENOUGH....was too basic...and honestly I didn't put enough into it...life just seemed to be too chaotic. I'm in a Christian mom's group every other week...it's more socializing than bible study. I don't seem to have enough sticktoitiveness (is that even a word?)

When I worked outside the home, I prayed all the way into work and all the way home. At church on Sundays I used to go up to the alter (when our previous pastor was there) Now, it's not that I don't like our new pastor, he's good but he doesn't always leave an opening during service for that..and after church it's not quite the same spiritually (though I've been known to do it) now, I do pray every day...many times a day...anytime someone comes to mind, or a prayer request is come across ...if I've told you I will pray for you, I've already stopped and done so...but to just sit and talk to God and try to absorb His love, I've not done that so much. I write, and those are from the heart and soul...but then it's done and I move on. I've not paid much attention to God in the meantime...I've become distracted. I don't know how to explain it. I know He's there. And I know He will take care of us..but I guess my attitude has just kind of been, He knows what's going on....I'll just stick it out and see what happens...not a good attitude at all! I want to walk with Him and talk with Him...

So I guess the first thing I need to do is open my bible this afternoon while the boys nap. And then I'm gonna have to start intentionally praying....
And then...I need to start on that devotions writing at God's Way Group...cause if my writing is going to glorify Him..then what better way to start...

Anyone wanna start an online bible study group? Any ideas? Any questions? Have I lost my mind? No, just been woken up.

I am thankful today for my Heavenly Father's love....and the wake up call

January 31, 2007 at 3:25pm
January 31, 2007 at 3:25pm
Jan 31, 2007

Today is just one of those days. I knew I wouldn't get to write...the kids are home. I can't even go to the bathroom by myself let alone try to write. It started out well enough, I got to sleep in a bit. Then my van wouldn't start and the kids were mad because we weren't going in to town after all. And they decided to argue and fight. I had to do some cleaning because J's headstart visitor was coming this afternoon and dishes hadn't even been done yet. So while I did that, the kids played. C emptied the dishwasher and did a few things but thought since it was her day off she shouldn't have to do much (so when do I get a day off???)

We would have been fine but when I sent C to the other room because the visitor was here she copped a major attitude. I told her to go read and she was mad because I wouldn't let her watch a movie...she's been watching all day! She has a book report to read for and it's much better for her brain...grrr...then when I took away a privelege for the major attitude I got, she decided to act like she was 3 years old and throw a fit!!! All this while the home visitor was here and has only met us once. She has apologized now but seems to think I'm mean because I won't just pretend it all didn't happen. UGGGH. She is really a good kid. She really is. But the attitude has got to go!!!

I feel like a horrible mom today. All I want is 10 minutes to myself to think! I can't even get that! It's 20 after 3 in the afternoon and I just made J lay down because now HE"S throwing a fit....no nap because of the home visitor...Deep breath, deep breath...I didn't yell and I didn't spank...I didn't totally lose my temp....

I want to write. But it woudln't matter because every time I start to, nothing that comes out makes sense anyway....

Having a down day. BIG SIGH. I don't like it at all.
January 30, 2007 at 1:43pm
January 30, 2007 at 1:43pm
Jan 30, 2007

Patience is a virtue I was not blessed with. It's one I have on occasion and one that God is teaching me over time. But in general I'm not a very patient person. I tend to get aggrivated if I have to stand in line very long, tend to multitask in whatever I'm doing because to just stand around to watch the potatoes boil is boring and wasteful of time. A;lso, if I'm not busy doing something I might actually stop and think...and that's not good because while sometimes I dream and think about nice things...frequently I worry which is not productive or I think about my parents and the fact that I dont' have them, and then I get down. Now don't get me wrong...this isnt' an always thing and it's not usually planned that well...but it exists, I acknowledge that. I have my times that I do nothing, but even then the voices in my head take over (I'm still working on whether those characters will be in a book or what they are there for...I think it may not be their story I am to tell but the by-product of their story....their emotions, their feelings, what it feels like to be a victim...probably only makes sense inside my head...lol) But I digress.

I'm also not very patient when it comes to prayers. And that's where today's entry comes in. While surfing some websites of sick children -one of the other things I do online..you can go, leave msgs for them and try to brighten their lives...pray for them, encourage them...and learn from them....again I am offtopic. I found a poem and it touched my heart and spoke to my soul.

By Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate....
and the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?"
my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers,
I need to know why!"
"Is Your hand shortened?
Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and
I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance,
and you tell me to Wait?"

"I'm needing a 'yes,'
a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no',
to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord,
that if we believe,
we need but to ask,
and we shall receive.

Lord, I've been asking,
and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God,
"So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes
met with mine... and He tenderly said
"I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens
and darken the sun. I could raise the dead
and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek
pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want,
you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know
the depth of My love
for each saint.

You'd not know
the power that I give
to the faint.

You'd not learn to see
through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust
just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy
of resting in Me
when darkness and silence
are all you can see.

You'd never experience
the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit
descends like a dove.

You would know that I give,
and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth
of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort
late into the night,
the faith that I give
when you walk without sight,

The depth that's beyond
getting just what you ask
from an infinite God who
makes what you have last.

You'd never know should
your pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace
is sufficient for thee.

Yes, your dearest dreams
overnight would come true,
but, oh, the loss, if you missed
what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child,
and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts
is to

And though oft My answers
seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still...

I have struggled for a long time with waiting on God's timing and not my own. In many different aspects. I get so tired of waiting. I want answers. I want to know how it's all going to work out. I know that God is on my side..I don't have issue with that. I don't know what His will is in some things and so I have no choice but to wait...I don't like it..but I need to remember that it's not the end result but the journey itself that is important. And I have learned more and grown closer to the Lord in those waiting times..and I am grateful..not patient..but grateful

Now, onto something not so deep..nah...don't really have anything not deep. My worries are high, finances are tight and I'm not sure how things are going to work out. I'm so tired of this crap it's not funny. I just want to be through February and so many of the issues will hopefully be resolved. I'm stressing today and I'm sorry. I don't vent on here often....haven't had to up to this point and between finances and medical and insurance issues and other fun conflicts that are my life right now this is what you get. Because I'm a whiny baby and I don't wanna WAIT ...I want it now...even though I'm thankful for all He's done for me and all I've learned in the valley. This poem just really speaks to where I am.

Good thing God loves me anyway, huh? I am very grateful for that.

blessings and peace to you my friends

January 29, 2007 at 11:10pm
January 29, 2007 at 11:10pm
Jan 29, 2007

Ok, do you really wanna know? Well it's a tie sort of. David McClain was the first to answer me...but I didn't explain myself well enough and was unclear as to what I needed. Nada and *Barbara Maria* originally just told me that David McClain was right but if I still had problems to just email (God bless all three of you so far) Then *Barbara Maria* understood what I was talking about (I'm not quite sure how because I'm not sure I would have understood me...lol)and then pencilsoverpens went the whole 9 yards and explained it all in detail from start to finish just to cover me. I thank you all for trying to help and take care of me. Consider your shoes spit shined or your feet kissed or whatever your assistance is worth to you. It was worth alot to me. Sorry I couldn't respond sooner as my beloved stole the computer to do schoolwork!

Now, why is it when I placed it in the folder body and saw it after I edited it, now I can't see it?
 Inspirational Pieces  (18+)
Inspirational pieces and testimonies, The miracles He's worked in my life
#1209778 by hoosiermomma2

I'm frustrated and feel like I'm losing it...lol

blessings...thanks again so much my friends, for helping me out and listening to me ramble

January 29, 2007 at 6:22pm
January 29, 2007 at 6:22pm
To the first person to tell me how to correctly put an image
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#1207855 by Not Available.
actually in the folder (so that the image shows not the link }
 Inspirational Pieces  (18+)
Inspirational pieces and testimonies, The miracles He's worked in my life
#1209778 by hoosiermomma2
I will send you many many cyber hugs! I will publicly get down and kiss your feet or spit shine your shoes. I can link...I can make emoticons. But I can't figure this out!!! HELP

Ok, a little dramatic I know..lol

thanks in advance
January 29, 2007 at 1:42pm
January 29, 2007 at 1:42pm
Jan 29, 2007

Thanks for asking, my weekend was wonderful! For those of you just stopping in, my beloved and I got a night with our oldest and then a night alone. Read previous entry if you wanna catch up on that..lol

Friday afternoon I left the house to meet my beloved and my sister who took J (my youngest) for the weekend. Then we took the oldest out to dinner and did some shopping, but mostly looking. We had fun. We came home and played Uno with her and watched tv. Slept in the next day. It was all rather nice.

On Sat, we got up, went out to lunch and to an auction where my fil was. Hung out there for a bit and then went to the grocery. Came home and my beloved and C both worked on homework. Then we took her over to my inlaws house and my beloved and I went to play bingo. Yes, I know, 2 relatively young married people and we go play bingo on a Sat night when we don't have kids. We live in the middle of nowhere and there isn't much to do close, we didn't have a lot of money and it's not something we've done much of. We had fun, but it was a little odd at first, we were very lost. I don't like being lost and so I was ready to leave pretty quick.. But for my beloved I stayed and we ended up having fun, though we didn't win any money.

We came home, watched tv, talked to my sister on the phone about the little one and went to bed. We ended up not going to church on Sunday because I forgot to set the alarm..normally it wouldn't have mattered bvecause having a 4 year old is like having an alarm clock...lol...

We got up, ate breakfast about 11:30, made breakfast burrito's...and they were good :) Yummy Yummy. Then we went to pick up J from my sister and went to the inlaws for dinner because my fil celebrated his birthday on Sat. All in all a pretty good weekend. I wasn't ready for today to be Monday though. Thankfully the kids have Wed off and we can be kind of laid back and catch up with each other. J has never been gone all weekend before and he missed us.

I've been running around trying to catch up on blogs and emails and such so if you stopped by my port or sent me an email or anything like that I'm not ignoring you..I'll be by soon...just trying to play catch up.

January 26, 2007 at 3:28pm
January 26, 2007 at 3:28pm
Jan 26, 2007

Why, you ask, am I so excited. A couple of reasons actually. The first is that
debsey gave me a merit badge Merit Badge in Angel
[Click For More Info]

and that just made me feel so very loved. It made me smile. I haven't done anything...really I haven't...I was just me. So it made me feel very good. Also, pencilsoverpens gifted me with
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#1207855 by Not Available.
That also made me feel very special because, as was the badge, it was so out of the blue and unexpected! Many thanks to both of you!

That's not the only reason I'm excited. In a little over an hour I will be leaving to meet my beloved with the kids. My sister will be there shortly after to take J to her house for the whole weekend. I will get him back after church on Sunday. This evening my beloved and I are taking C out to dinner and then I'm not sure what we are doing. Tomorrow during the day will also be dedicated to C (that and sleeping in but since she will sleep in too that's ok). Tomorrow afternoon she will going to my inlaws house to spend the night with her cousin. For the first time in months my beloved and I will be alone! We probably won't be going anywhere, have no plans to go anywhere and truly no money but I have a few plans anyway *Wink*
So forgive me if I'm not on and blogging this weekend. I love you all but am loving the alonetime with hubby even more. Stay out of trouble...or at the very least blog about the trouble you get into so I can enjoy when I come back.

Now to go shut off the blogger nag.

I am grateful for my beloved. *Delight* A better man God could not have placed me with.

January 25, 2007 at 10:16pm
January 25, 2007 at 10:16pm
Jan 25, 2007

As I sit here, listening to a Bon Jovi Cd-the song is Living on a Prayer and it brings me back to one of the earliest friendships I can remember. Now I will grant you, there were others but none that lasted as long or meant as much. From 3rd grade on I had the same best friend. Her name was Jenny and she was a year older than I. She was an only child of parents who loved her ferociously and adopted me as their own. We spent the night at each others houses in the early years, played at school and talked on the phone. She graduated from the 8th grade (parochial school goes k-8) and went to High School. It was scary for me because I thought I'd loose her. I didn't. When I graduated from 8th grade I went to a different high school-a parochial one because the public school was not such a good one...and the one she went to was a different township...it actually would have cost more to send me there. I made friends, some of them I'm still friends with today. But Jenny was still considered my best friend. During the summers we went to camp...not usually the same week...so we wrote letters back and forth. During the school year we went roller skating, talked on the phone, went swimming in the summer...any number of things. I would ride my bike the 30 min to her house and spend all day there. I called her parents mom and dad and I shared with her more than I ever shared with anyone else..and vice versa I'm sure. Even being in seperate schools didn't cause us problems. I got along with her friends and she with mine...we both sang in choir at our schools and sang together all the time...Bon Jovi....which is where this entry started...we used to call and request the radio station to play it, then tape ourselves singing to it...She spent the night at my house frequently also..though my parents were less patient with the noise. WE shared secrets, we shared stories, we shared things about our love lives that we told no one else. We laughed, we cried, we made crank calls. *Smile*

When she graduated to college, she went about an hour from home. We still saw each other, talked on the phone, I even went to visit her. She met a guy and I was absolutely thrilled for her. I met him, liked him for her and we got along. I was there every time they had problems. I could see both sides and usually help her to work things out... that's one of my strong points...though sometimes it bites me in the butt, I usually can see both sides to a situation and play moderator. After her first year at school, she decided to move back home and go to a local college...I on the other hand had applied to where she was, trying to be closer. She still had the same boyfriend and I counted him as my only friend starting out. Then they broke up...and people started telling her that he'd been cheating on her with me. ..which wasn't true...She however has a different view. The truth is, that while he never cheated on her with me or anyone else. We did end up falling in love. I married him. None of it was ever hidden from her but she refused to speak to me. At all. After about 15 years we recently emailed back and forth. While I can say it's a friendship saved, at least there has been forgiveness and discussion. I don't know what she wants or expects...I don't know that it could even be a friendship again. But I know my heart broke when I lost her. And for anyone who would harp at me about unspoken rules and not dating your friends ex's...save it. I don't need to hear it. I don't need to be judged. I love my husband, we've been married 13 years and as much as I love her as a sister, I would make the same choice now...though probably would handle it dfferently.

Onto a different friendship...4 1/2 years ago I met a lady named Becky. Becky and I are about a year apart. She has 2 kids Her sons birthday is the same day as my daughters, though 4 years apart. She married early, is a sahm who works for her husbands business. I met Becky in an online parenting group I joined just after my parents died. I was still pregnant with J. Becky has seen me through so MANY things. She's been there for me, listened to me. Cheered me up, given me advice on my kids, given me advice on my marriage and shared with me her life. She is a huge Duran Duran fan and is loyal and true. I know that if I need Becky she's a phone call or IM away. But I have never met Becky. I pray one day I do. We talk about it. She lives about 8 hours away. Both families battle financial difficulties but I hope one day we can erase the miles. Truthfully though it doesn't matter. While I would like to meet Becky, have our families meet (she cares about my kids and my beloved..they joke and talk too) I call her husband Gramps and get picked on if he's online too. ....the bond that has been created is second to none. I pray for Becky daily just as I pray for my family. She has been a blessing to me. And can make me laugh...and can tell in an instant message within a couple of lines if something is wrong...she might as well be sitting across from me...so while there are those that say online friendships can't be real...I say they can be. Can you get hurt..sure...can you be mislead, of course. That can happen face to face as well. That's why it's important in any relationship to build up to the point you share your lives and your information and to pay attention to instinct.

My beloved is my best friend in the world. He was a friend before a lover and that friendship is something that can be seen by many. We have had our issues and there have been times I didn't think we'd make it..but God is there and has seen us through. We are able to joke and laugh. I keep no secrets from him. I try to put him before myself and he treats me like his queen..and plays jokes on me..the smart alleck...lol I adore him. I know that God intended for us to marry and as much as it hurt to lose my best friend from my youth...I truly believe God laid down the path we were put upon. Pain was involved and we all had to grow...but God never said His plan was easy...just that following it would bless us and that it was His will.

I believe that God places people in our lives as we need them or they need us. Sometimes it's in person, sometimes it's online. Sometimes it's at church. I have one friend from church I never believed I would be close to...I love her dearly and share in her life daily. She is there for me and I for her. We laugh alot. She lives 10 minutes away, and has for years though we only met 2 years ago. I have another friend who I've known for about 5..kids played ball together when C was 5...until a couple of years ago we were't close. That relationship evolved with time. I have other online friends who I care about...who come and go. We touch base as we can. They are wonderful people whose lives get in the way sometimes. My point.....I believe that people are put into our lives for a reason and I think God can use any medium to get two people together (or more) for His purpose.

Have I lost friends? Sure and it hurts like hell. And I'm not one for risks. I only let people in so far and then I choose very carefully who I will let in. If I've cried on your shoulder...you can consider yourself in......and it can be a virtual shoulder....being there means being available and being willing to listen..whether it's to my voice or to what I'm typing on the screen. It's being honest and being willing to be real. But life is a risk and friends are one of the joys God gives us...risky or not. But I'm not going to sit back and refuse to be friends with someone just because I may never meet them, just because I can't see them. I know the written word can sometimes not portray the sentiment, can cause mixups...happens face to face too...I know this for fact, having stuck my foot in my mouth on more than one occasion. My point? You figure it out.

What am I thankful for today? For Jenny, For Becky, for my beloved and for all my other friends, past and present because they've shaped me, shaped my life and whether it was a long relationship or short one, they blessed me and hopefully I did the same.

Blessings and hugs (and I only hug my friends *Delight*
January 25, 2007 at 11:18am
January 25, 2007 at 11:18am
Jan 25, 2007

Yesterday was nuts. Actually most of the day wasn't. But I did some cleaning and some snuggling with J and went to church. When we got home, it was my beloved's turn on the computer to do some work for the church and by the time he got done I was just too tired to think about an entry. I got an email reminding me this morning to blog. WOW. A computer nag. LOL..I know, I can change my settings and I will if I don't intend to blog everyday but it was quite the surprise.

I"ve got an entry in mind that I will write later, when the little ones have had their lunches and are down for a nap. When my headache goes away and I can think straight. When I can turn the switch off of autopilot.

But before I go, I want to leave you with a joke...I understand some of you may not care about sports...generally I care very little for anything my kids are not in. But being from Indiana, having grown up in Indianapolis, I suddenly am very happy that the Colts are going to the Superbowl...that said, a joke I found in a group I belong to...no boo's and hisses please

Tom Brady in Heaven
Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Tom," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.

On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a Blue & White sidewalk, a 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Colts logo flag, and in every window, a Colts towel. Tom looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even won a few Super bowls.

God said "So what's your point Tom?" "Well, why does Peyton get a better house than me?" God chuckled, and said: “Tom, that's not Peyton’s house, it's mine."


I am thankful this morning for food. Sleep. And excedrin Migraine.

until later and a more indepth, serious type blog entry

January 23, 2007 at 6:46pm
January 23, 2007 at 6:46pm
Jan 23, 2007

Many of us have been made to eat soap, but have any of you ever tasted it by choice? When I was a kid, soap smelled like soap. Period. You washed with it. You were threatened with having your mouth washed out with it. You watched commercials of people using stuff that supposedly made you smell really good and wanted to try it. ( I loved the Irish Spring commercials as a kid) *Laugh* but none of that prepared me for motherhood.

When my daughter was younger and took a bath instead of a shower, she had soap crayons. They wrote on her, on the wall and on her toys. Usually it came off. Except for the blue ones. They also had bubbles. Which we didn't use very often because I was informed it could cause a UTI. She has been made to taste soap on a very rare occasion, many moons ago. It's not a choice she would make willingly today.

My son is 4. My sister, for Christmas bought him a spiderman basketball hoop and spongy ball for the bathtub. The only time J takes a shower is if daddy is in there. I used to shower with him but quit about a year ago. Not because it wasn't appropriate..because at that point he could have cared less but because when Mommy was in the shower with him, he wanted to be held. Because he could then reach the showerhead. That was fine at 1 and 2. But he was getting a bit tall and a bit heavy to be holding in the slippery shower. Until a couple of months ago, he showered with his sister occasionally. Ok, who am I kidding, at least twice a week. It was easier. But then he did start noticing the differences, she is starting to develop, she wanted her privacy, he wanted to touch. NOT a good combination. So now, unless he can shower with Daddy-and that's usually only on Sunday morning-he takes a bath.

Let me interject.

My daughter is a picky eater. You can't tell that by looking at her because she loves to eat the foods she likes. And while she's not as picky as she used to be ( I could write an entire blog on what she put me through as a toddler and preschooler) she's still rather picky. And her food can't touch...I digress. My son is NOT a picky eater. Not at all. As a matter of fact there is little he doesn't like. If dad will eat it, so will he. Usually. My problem with him is that while he will eat anything that won't eat him first, he doesn't eat much of any of it.

My point? Remember back to the spiderman basketball goal and spongy ball...it came with a bottle of berry scented foaming soap. We hadn't tried it out until this evening. I sprayed it on him. He loved it, thought it was cool. Thought it smelled great. I don't know that he's ever commented on how something smelled. And as he's playing in it (it's alot like playing in shaving cream) he was commenting on what he could do with it. He could smoosh it. He could could pat it. He could rub it. He could smell it. He could taste it. He says this while he does each thing. And before I could tell him not to, he tasted the soap. With purple foam on his lips, I told him we don't eat that J.

He says "Why mom?" "Because it's soap dear" says I.

Now, you would think, with it in his mouth, he would understand this. Make a face. Spit it out.
His response

Still shaking my head over that one. I'm curious as to whether it tastes like it smells (not enough to find out though) Or whether it tastes like soap. He did not choose to eat anymore..so I guess it's not yummy anyway.

I am thankful today for laughter. Hugs. And the smiles on my kids faces.

January 22, 2007 at 11:44pm
January 22, 2007 at 11:44pm
Jan 22, 2007

I had a very funny (at least I thought so) entry about Monday's and me time and all of that...and I clicked on something to pull up the codes for emoticons...and it logged me out....(could be because I accidentally hit log out....ggggrrr) I'm so ticked at me. I was quite funny. That's what I get for trying to be funny I guess. Either that or for bragging that I had a decent Monday...lol...My day was decent. I'm tired. I'm heading to bed. I've made a decision. I'm going to start typing my blog entries in word so that if I make a dummy mistake again...I have a hard copy on my computer. I should do that anyway since everything else I post here on WDC is also on my computer. hmmmm, I'd like to be cute and happy and inspirational. I'd like to be. But the truth is, I'm sleepy. And because I'm sleepy, I'm not going to be cute. Maybe tomorrow.

What am I grateful for today? I'm grateful for ME TIME and I'm grateful for the reason I was tired this morning(late night last night *Blush* *Shock* *Smile* (you don't really want to know-But I am grateful none the less) and went back to sleep after everyone went to school and work. I am grateful that God does heal.

Sweet dreams everyone, signing out for the night. I hope you are all blessed with a wonderful night's sleep...or a wonderful day if you are across the world from me .

January 21, 2007 at 7:24pm
January 21, 2007 at 7:24pm
Jan 21,2007

My youngest ( a 4 year old boy) Came up to me with yet another folded up piece of paper he had colored, wanting to staple it. So we did. He said, then you can rip it...on your birthday. So I told him it was my birthday. And he said well then you can open it. He wanted it stapled so it would rip like an envelope. Then he informed Daddy in a very excited voice that "we have to have cake!" They went searching and have found a cake mix and are making it...God bless my baby and thank you sweet Jesus for my ornery energetic sweet little man. And his daddy's willingness to give in *Delight*

Had to share.
January 21, 2007 at 7:24pm
January 21, 2007 at 7:24pm
Jan 21,2007

My youngest ( a 4 year old boy) Came up to me with yet another folded up piece of paper he had colored, wanting to staple it. So we did. He said, then you can rip it...on your birthday. So I told him it was my birthday. And he said well then you can open it. He wanted it stapled so it would rip like an envelope. Then he informed Daddy in a very excited voice that "we have to have cake!" They went searching and have found a cake mix and are making it...God bless my baby and thank you sweet Jesus for my ornery energetic sweet little man. And his daddy's willingness to give in *Delight*

Had to share.
January 21, 2007 at 6:48pm
January 21, 2007 at 6:48pm
Jan 21, 2007

Ok, the entry title tells it all...except there is no party except a pity party..and I don't like those.... I didn't really expect one but to be remembered is another thing. Today is my birthday. My family knows this. And I know they know this because I announced yesterday at Walmart when I picked up a CD I wanted, that they could consider this my birthday present. Now, I know they love me. They love me with all their hearts. I get that. My 4 year old son made me a card all by himself. This of course after I slammed into the bedroom this morning (yes I acted like a hormonal teenager, sue me...lol) and thanked everyone for making my birthday so wonderful (please note the sarcasm involved) because they were all fighting, yelling and screaming at each other (not the way I like to start any day). My husband sent me an ecard..again, after I blew up. He says I was mad enough he didn't think I wanted him to come after me...what woman doesn't? And that it wouldn't have been the right time then...it would have been a start. My daughter, announced to the whole church that today was my birthday but hasn't said it to ME. Maybe I'm being a baby about this. I know they love me, I feel guilty for wanting the words recognizing that this is the day of my birth. I don't really care about gifts but a cake would have been nice. I realize the different worlds we grew up in and understand that to my beloved's family a birthday isnt' much more than any other day. But in my family it was. HE knows this after 13 years of marriage. And I treat THEIR birthdays with great importance. He feels bad, but hasn't said Happy Birthday still. I got upset again after church (he asked what was wrong and I was unable to keep my tears to myself. It makes far more noticeable the fact that my parents (and remember last Sunday was my dad's anniversary of death)are gone. My parents always made sure, if nothing else that there was cake, ice cream and candles to blow out. Now, I don't really believe in wishes...I believe God grants the wishes of our hearts as He sees fit....but I know blowing out a candle after wishing and then keeping the wish to myself isn't going to make it happen...but it's a ritual..come one people! I don't want to be upset. It's a waste of time..but can't help it either. It just feels like any other day. Worse, because I know it's supposed to be special. BIG SIGH.

Ok, on to another topic. Today I haven't written anything but some blog comments and some emails. Between my bummer mood, my nap (ok, I did get something good out of this birthday..lol) and the fact that I'm stuck with these characters in my head...I'm not quite sure how to proceed. So, I'm guessing I"ll just be trying a couple of different story starters and get everyone to take a look and figure out what's best...

Ok, back to the previous topic, because I just can't seem to let it go. Did y'all have birthday rituals growing up or with your spouse and children? Growing up it was a good moring before the day began and the birthday person got to pick the birthday dinner ...whatever they wanted, and the flavor of cake and ice cream. After we ate, we ate cake, then opened any presents and cards. I grew up far from money but my mother was a miracle worker and managed to make us feel special regardless of what there was as gifts. Sometimes there would be a party over the weekend for family or friends...but it was a special day. Please, nobody tell me how materialistic and shallow I'm being. I've been kicking myself already. I WANT to just let it go and not be bothered and it's just not going anywhere. I KNOW how blessed I am to have all that I do. A wonderful husband and kids. A home. Food, friends (even if they forgot too...sheesh how whiny can I be?)

OK, this isn't working, it's not helping. Of course listing my emotions does help because it gets them out instead of bottling them up. But I dont' want to cry. That just makes my husband feel worse. He feels bad enough. And then I feel even worse because I've made him feel bad...and then he won't wish me a happy birthday again because I'm upset because he didn't..ugg...what a fricking cycle...

I promise more tomorrow in a much much better mood....well I promise to try to be more upbeat anyway.

And my grateful point today. I am grateful to God that He created me and has chosen to bless me with all that He has. I just pray he forgives me my pettiness today.

January 20, 2007 at 7:26pm
January 20, 2007 at 7:26pm
Jan 20, 2007

Today was a good day. Nothing really out of the ordinary happened today. It was a Saturday, we slept in a bit, did some cleaning, ran some errands. Yet I feel so very joyful today just for the ability to do the ordinary things in life! So I wrote another letter to God
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if you want to see it. I wrote it because as I sat here, I realized how joyful I truly felt today and that it was all a gift from Him and I should let Him know I am grateful. Because it's easy to hit our knees with things are not going well and have been difficult and believe me, I do it frequently. But when things are going well and life is moving smoothly...we don't think about thanking Him for everything. So I followed my heart and the Holy Spirit. I left it open to ratings, but I don't know why...I mean, I want everyone to know how powerful and awesome God is...but I don't really care if I punctuated correctly or if someone doesn't like it. ...because odds are I won't publish it (although who knows, maybe someone wants to read a dear God book from an adult standpoint...) ok, so cross that out...I do care if there are grammatical errors etc...cause it may turn into something other than my ramblings someday....

anyway, My point would be...I need to be more appreciative of the good things in my life, even when things aren't going so well...and so I solemnly vow to write at least one thing I'm gratefu to God for each day in my blog (doesn't that make you feel blessed *Laugh*

So, today's grateful point is ...I"m Thankful for WDC!

blessings and peace
January 18, 2007 at 4:16pm
January 18, 2007 at 4:16pm
Jan 18, 2007

A song popped into my head that C sings. She learned it in bible school and actually sang a solo of it at our church about a year ago. I don't know who wrote it , so if anyone does, please share

it goes
"When I'm alone, lost or afraid, when it's too dark to see. I will remember the promise of God. These are His words to me."

"Do no fear, for I am with you. Do not be afraid. Do no fear for I am with you. Believe in the promise I made. Do not be afraid!"

"God's always with me, right by my side. No matter where I may be. He sees in the dark, He hears when I cry. These are His words to me"

"Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be afraid. Do no fear for I am with you. Believe in the promise I made. Do not be afraid! Do not be afraid!"

This speaks to me where I am right now. Because I love to sing and one of my connections with God is through music, many times when I am battling something, whether it be fear or worry or whatever....He will put a song on my heart ...generally an answer or at least something that gives me peace. .

Was just reminded of another song, one I sing when in the depths of despair...I like to put on my headphones, turn it up..and generally write...someone asked somewhere on here what you listen to to write..lol.now it's finding my way back to whereever it was...lol

The song is called "Calmer of the storm" by Downhere....


By Downhere

When everything is wrong

The day has passed and nothing's done

And the whole world seems against me

When I'm rolling in my bed, there's a storm in my head

I'm afraid of sinking in despair.


Teach me, Lord to have faith

In what you're bringing me will

Change my life and bring you glory &

There on the storm I am learning to let go

Of the will that I so long to control

There may I be in your arms eternally

I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.

You rebuke the wind and the waves

Once again I find I'm amazed & the power of your will

Cuz I'm a child of little faith

I feel the wind and forget your grace

And you say, "Peace, be still."

There on the storm I am learning to let go

The white wave's high, it's crashing o'er the deck

And I don't know where I go

Where are you Lord, is my ship going down?

The mast is gone so throw the anchor

Should I jump and try to swim to land?

There on the storm, teach me God to understand

Of the Will that I just cannot control

There may I see all you love protecting me

I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.

Felt the need to share - I think the message is just that I need to hold onto Him.....as always trying....
Blessings and Peace
January 18, 2007 at 3:47pm
January 18, 2007 at 3:47pm
Jan 18, 2007

Last night's outing with my friend was great! She actually took me out for my birthday (it's on Sunday) We then went to Family Christian Bookstore and Target. Talked, talked and talked. I think I talked too much. It was nice being with someone who knows you so well. Though I would say she knows who I was so well. Little things like the fact that I'm non directional and you have to tell me left right etc instead of north south east and west. Made me feel good to be known. And yet, there are so many things she doesn't know, for virtue of not being nearby. So many changes and so much life that has happened. Things that just playing catch up doesnt' cover.

Because of that, driving home I was quite introspective on the changes in myself. Thinking about who I am and why I've become that person. Now honestly, while there are things I don't like about myself I think that all in all I'm a pretty decent human being-all credit to God above for that. The visit left me feeling a little bereft as I realized that while she knew me when I was younger and knows alot about me, she doesn't really KNOW me anymore. And then I got to thinking, and I'm not sure that many people do KNOW me. I have friends, but because of issues in my life I have difficulty trusting people. Those who knew when I was younger know that side of me, but very little about my more recent life. Those who have known me in the more recent years, know some of who I am, but little of who I was and what I traveled to become that person...and I guess the issue there is for me that while I know God knows and sees all and loves me, I want someone with skin on who knows and understands me. That of course means I have to trust and let people in, which is difficult for me to do.

Lately, I've been rather lost in the past. Thinking alot about high school (15 years ago) my life over the last several years and the things I've been through. I know God is molding me into what and who He wants me to be...and I'm so very ok with that. But I'm at a loss for anyone who has really walked most of it with me, or anyone who wants to sit and listen to me share that much. I'm not sure if this is grief related (my mom knew and understood me well, my dad knew and loved me but probably never understood...lol) If this is age related ( I really don't have a problem with the fact that I will be 34 on Sunday) The fact that I'm thinking of going back to school in the fall, or what. I know it has a bit to do with the fact that the friends I have nearby...their lives (3 of them) have held drastic changes lately and we haven't gotten together much. When I'm with them, I feel like they do get me, do understand...but their lives don't allow much for even phone conversations....not quite sure what to do..guess I'll just be thinking and praying.

I feel a bit lost today. Pray for me, please. But don't worry I'm ok. I know God is a God of love and will shelter me from the storms of life. Maybe all this introspection will be good for my writing, hmm?

January 17, 2007 at 1:06pm
January 17, 2007 at 1:06pm
Jan 17,2007

As an adult, there are not many days that I am just so excited about something coming up that I wish the day away. 1, I have learned that I should treasurer each day to the fullest and 2, not much goes on in my life...lol

This evening I am meeting with one of my best friends ever. I haven't seen her in almost 2 years which is a crime or should be. Being 30 something women it gets more and more difficult to get together...more and more difficult to take the time. But the other day we were emailing back and forth and were talking about getting together and realized that to get the kids together it was going to be another couple of months...so we decided to get together without the kids. We are going to Chili's tonight, meeting about half way from where we both live.

She and I met in high school. There were actually four of us...three of us are still in semi regular contact. And I would say she was and is the glue that keeps us together. I feel like recently I've let her down, I haven't kept in good contact, didn't know what was going on in her life and wasn't there when she needed me. She has always been there for me. When my grandma died, when I had boyfriend problems, when I lost my parents. Her family was mine and loved me and supported me when my parents divorced. Our senior year we had alot of classes together and passed alot of notes, shared alot of secrets, shared alot of memories. We've remained close through the years but I need to do better at being a friend. We share so many memories, so much friendship. Maybe I'll write something in dedication for her...we'll see if I have time....

ok, lots of ramblings, I'm excited to see my friend this evening and won't be on until late. So far my day has been decent, I got the kitchen cleaned up, the floor swept and LR vaccumed. Straigthened the bathroom and showered and did a load of laundry. The boys are in from school and have had lunch and in a bit I get to go to the school and have an ice cream sundae with my daughter because she made the honor roll! Way to go C!

Blessings to all, I may update tonight when I get home.

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