Take a look into the world as I see it.
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Blog header made by my good friend ~*~Damiana Returned~*~
"Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before."
---Edgar Allan Poe
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Traditional Gemini Traits
Adaptable and versatile
Communicative and witty
Intellectual and eloquent
Youthful and lively
On the dark side....
Nervous and tense
Superficial and inconsistent
Cunning and inquisitive
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Novelty and the unusual
Variety in life
Multiple projects all going at once
Feeling tied down
Being in a rut
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|Okay ever since I came in this morning, there has been this toxic-smelling odor coming from some where. It is now 2:48pm and the odor is still lingering. This guy comes in to look at it to figure out where it's coming from. Heh. The furnace is going in reverse and pushing all of the gases back in instead of going out of the chimney. I am feeling very drowsy, and have a headache. The only way I can describe the odor is that it smells like lawn fertilizer, or that stuff that TruGreen Chemlawn comes and sprinkles on your yard. It's awful, whatever it is. I know that I only have an hour and 45 to go before the end of the day is here, but still. It's making me feel sick.
|I just can't begin to heal because of grandma not wanting to accept the fact that dad died from chronic ethanol abuse. I called her lastnight and thanked her for my copy of dad's death certificate. She still brought up her opinion on how she still thinks dad just had a heart attack. It's tearing me up inside, because I know deep down that the alcohol did do this to him. She still insists that grandpa even thinks there's no way he was an alcoholic, because he held down a full-time job. Alcoholics can hold down full time jobs and do everyday tasks that sober people do. They are called "functional alcoholics". I am at a loss for words and can't bring myself to argue with her about it. I don't want to stress her out even more and insist that she believe that the alcohol did in fact do this to him. No one wants to believe that their child could be an alcoholic, especially when this child was a very successful head pressman, was a good-natured and loving man, who managed to raise four girls by himself. I am getting so frustrated with everything having to do with my father's death, especially with grandma and grandpa being in denial with the way he died. I want to scream and cry. My Aunt LouAnn, my cousin Melissa is fashionably late! , my three sisters, and I all know the real reason why dad died. Grandma keeps bringing up the fact that there have been family members with enlarged hearts. Great Grandma Meeth had an enlarged heart, and was 89 years old when she died. She also had diabetes. I tried to point out to grandma that most people with enlarged hearts can live long healthy normal lives, and couldn't have been the main cause of death in a 49 year old man. My sisters witnessed how much alcohol he took in, and so did a select amount of close friends, and other family members. People tell me that I should let grandma think that he died from a heart attack and not alcoholism. I'm sorry, but I refuse to lie and go along with grandma's whole thinking on this. It isn't right, and it isn't healthy.
| My niece is driving me bonkers! I can't get any dignity or privacy whatsoever. Lastnight I came home and hopped right in the shower. I get out and wrap a towel around me, then go into my room. My niece barges in for no apparent reason, and I tell her to nicely get out, she just stands there, staring at me. I tell her to get out again, and Sheila tells her to get out because I am naked and she doesn't need to see me like that. She doesn't listen to her mother either. I am getting increasingly annoyed each time I have to tell her to get out. Sheila finally comes and gets her. Then later on that night while I am watching Jazlyn for Sheila, I had to use the potty to go pee, well, my niece barges in on me yet again. I tell her that I am going potty and nicely tell her to get out. "But I want to come in." I tell her no, and to go wait out in the hallway. "But I wanna come." I tell her no again, and that I am going "pee pee". She still didn't listen. *sigh* What to do about this? This has never been an issue before. She usually stays out of the bathroom and usually knocks on my bedroom door to come in. I love my niece to death, but damn.
|I love stories about chaos and hilarity. Lastnight on I-94 a truck that was carrying cattle, got entangled and the cows got loose and were roaming all over the expressway. This caused for an interesting night for anyone who had to deal with this. A friend of mine was supposed to come over lastnight, but decided not to because of the roads being crappy and all. He might not have made it to see me anyway, with the great cow disaster on I-94. It took from 9:30pm-1am this morning to clear everything off of the roads. Here is the link for anyone who's interested:
|Sheila has been hired by a bank! She starts on February 26th.........now she can start helping with the bills instead of having grandpa take care of her half of things. Now she just needs to find a daycare for Jazlyn before she starts working. The deadbeat is in Florida and will be gone for a long time. This just shows how much he doesn't care about his daughter. He says there aren't any jobs in Michigan. Bullshit. If I can find one that easily, so can he. Well, maybe not. If he weren't a crack-head, meth-addict, and alcoholic, he could land a decent job. It's his fault. His problems are going to follow him to Florida too. They aren't going to be so quick to hire someone with a past like his. I hope he stays down there, he isn't doing my niece or my sister any justice being here, except make them miserable.
|Grandma is going around telling everyone that my dad died from a heart attack caused by an enlarged heart. She's failing to mention the massive amounts of alcohol that he took in, and seems to think that even if he did drink, he did it to numb the pain in his legs. She also thinks that the alcohol only contributed to a condition he already had. What is it about my family, where they think they have to keep quiet about the reason behind why someone dies? Similar incidents have happened in our family where we would never find out the cause of death because they were too embarrassed or something. What is there to be embarrassed about? I don't care who you are, or where you come from. Chances are, you have a demon of some kind that you're keeping a secret from everyone else because you are paranoid about what people will think of you. Yes, my dad drank a lot. He would get drunk a lot, but was never a mean drunk or embarrassed me and my family. Jill even told me a month or two ago that dad drank so much like there was no tomorrow. My sister Sheila even noticed it. And my three sisters got together one day and talked about dad, and how much more alcohol he was taking in. My father was a fun loving and caring guy and everyone loved him. He took care of me and my sisters and he loved us very much. These are the things that mattered to me.
|My grandparents refused to face the fact that my dad died as a result of alcohol. First it was only my grandmother that felt this way, and now my grandfather thinks the same way. They refuse to believe that dad had an alcohol problem. If they only knew what my sisters witnessed, they would think otherwise. I researched more on Cardiomyopathy. There are three different kinds of Cardiomyopathy (dilated, hypertrophic, and restrictive), and only one of those fit my dad's profile. It sounds like he had the dilated cardiomyopathy, which can be caused by excessive alcohol abuse. I am providing links to all three, if you want to compare them to each other.
I feel that I am right in this argument. If my grandparents want to believe that it was something else, then I am not going to fight them on it. Although it's not healthy when a person is unwilling to face reality.
|Well, I made it into work safe and sound. The roads weren't as bad as the media said they were. I almost called in, but decided to brave the roads anyway. At $14/hr, I would risk it, unless I had to drive further than I do on a regular basis, then I probably wouldn't have gone out. Hopefully the drive home won't be so bad. I pray.
|I am getting sick and tired of this crappy weather that we've been having. I actually went out today to get laundry done and get groceries. I didn't have a choice. I can't show up to work looking like a slob, or starving the whole day. That's if I make it into work tomorrow. If this snow and ice keep up, I won't make it in. I was sliding all over the place today. If the damn plows would stop scraping all of the snow off of the roads, we would have more control of the cars. All that they are doing is exposing the ice under the snow when they do that. It's not so much the weather, it's the sub-zero temps that are getting to me. I am out there for two seconds and it feels like I am getting frostbite with gloves on. There were white-out conditions today too. I was hoping for a mild winter my first year back. Oh well!
|I received that much anticipated call from the funeral director yesterday while I was still at work. Apparently dad died from excessive abuse of alcohol, and cardiomyopathy (enlarged heart), and obesity. This was the very thing that I was afraid of. I didn't want it to be the alcohol that did this to him. I was the one who had to call my entire immediate family and break the news to them. It wasn't easy, I had a hard time keeping it together the rest of the day at work. Now, I have to start the grieving process all over again, but maybe this time I can start to heal, and so can the rest of my family. My grandmother refuses to believe that the alcohol was a direct cause of death........I know that it was. Dad's obesity was the result of the liver not being able to process the alcohol anymore and anything else that he put into his body. Science doesn't lie. The people in Lansing are experts in this field and know what they are doing. I will not argue with grandma though. I believe that the enlarged heart could've thrown a clot and may have caused a pulmonary embolism or heart attack. I feel that he had a multi-system failure, and everything just shut down at once because his liver could no longer process the massive amounts of alcohol that he took in on a daily basis. I didn't realize things had gotten so bad. I also know that it's possible that he was in so much pain that he got drunk constantly to ease the pain of his varicose veins.......they say alcohol numbs you. And the fact that he was so lonely. I was also told that he never ate anything with his beer. No matter what, he was always a great dad, and was always there for me and my sisters whenever we needed him. I will greatly miss him. Too bad he didn't get help for his health before it was too late. May he rest in peace.
|Concerning my dad's death certificate. The funeral director is supposed to go and pick the death cert up today. I told him that either my sister or my grandmother will be picking those up sometime next week. I also asked him if he found out what the cause of death was and he told me 'no', but said that he could call me here at work and let me know sometime today what he died from. I am feeling both anxious and dreadful at the same time. I am almost scared to know what happened to him. On the other hand, me and my family need to know so that we can have closure. I found out yesterday that my youngest sister, Molly is in grief counseling because of my dad dying. She isn't dealing with it as well as I thought she was. She rarely calls me or our two sisters, which I think would help her immensely if she would just open up to at least one of us. I think that she's having a hard time due to her not living in close distance with us, and because she's the youngest. Sheila admitted to me that she dreams about dad every night. Not necessarily nightmares, although sometimes they are. She told me that a lot of the time they are either weird or funny, and she frequently wakes up crying because she thinks that dad is alive and then realizes that he isn't, and starts to cry. I am not sure what state of mind my sister Jill is in, because I rarely see her, she works three different jobs. I hope that once I get the results of my dad's death and inform everyone as to what happened, it will relieve some of the tension and stress. I have been having my moments of grief lately. I thought I was handling it pretty well until yesterday, I saw one of my dad's photographs and nearly lost it, and today, just thinking about him made my eyes tear up. Maybe the grieving process has just started for me. Maybe the last 4 months have been my period of being in shock and disbelief that he was gone, and now it's time to cry? I have been crying on and off for the past 4 months, but yesterday was the worst I think. I am just worried that dad's death will come back as natural causes. "Natural Causes" is so generic, and doesn't really tell me anything. How is that going to give me closure, or anyone else for that matter?
|Sometimes I can't help but laugh at the really dumb criminals who try to escape from cops by trying to run away. You think that they would rather surrender to the cops than get shot in the leg. I keep hearing about drug busts at colleges, meth lab busts, and cocaine busts in my area, and it's just so embarrassing. The north side of town always had that problem, now it sems like all of the losers are starting to filter into the nicer areas, inlcuding mine. I guess this happens all over the United States, but hearing this happening in your own town just makes you want to put a paper bag over your head in embarrassment. All druggies need to be put on their own separate island.
|I didn't get any sleep whatsoever lastnight! No thanks to my demon-spawn niece! She was up until 2am lastnight! I love her to pieces, but, DAMN! She was all lovey-dovey toward me lastnight when I got home and she came up to me and told me that she wanted to hug and kiss me. Like I would deny a precious little girl like my niece a hug and kiss. Then, when I was all settled down in my bed and ready to drift off into dreamland, she opens my door, and I tell her that I am trying to night-night, she goes, "I wanna hug you." So I say, 'okay', and gave her a hug and kiss. Then I thought that was the end of the interruptions for the night and that I would finally get some sleep. Heh! Ya, right! An hour later Jazlyn starts banging on my door, and I get upset, and Sheila yells at her, and then another hour later, same thing, tapping on my door, so I yell, 'stop it' and then Sheila yells at her again, which has proven pointless in the past to yell at her, because it doesn't work. And putting her in the so-called naughty chair doesn't do anything either, it just makes her act up, scream, and cry some more, which is more irritating. My sister is going away up north tomorrow with her boyfriend to see his family, which means I will have the whole weekend to myself. Thank God! The sooner I get into a stable career, the sooner I can get a place of my own.
|This is my third day at work where I am doing absolutely nothing constructive. It isn't anyones fault......it's not the temp agency's or the mortgage company's fault. There was an issue of getting my log-in information so I can get into the system. I hope that this doesn't cause me to lose out on a great opportunity like this. It wouldn't be fair. Being let go over something out of my control would NOT be fair, or in anyones best interest. I have the knowledge that it takes to be in this business/industry. I hope everything gets straightened out today. I am basically being paid just to sit here and look pretty. And that's just boring and annoying. I want to work, I need to work.
|I just voted on a poll on here. The subject was "Donations for Merit Badges". The ethics of donating gps for merit badges. I personally don't find anything wrong with it myself. I rated the poll itself at 2.5 stars, because I felt that it was unfair to judge and make people feel like dirt for being generous. Who cares if the person gets a merit badge in return for their kindness? I do it all of the time for my contests and auctions. And in turn, I donate to contests all of the time whether they offer merit badges or not. I feel that it's a personal preference on how one feels about this subject. So I am not judging one way or the other, and neither should anyone else for that matter. Everyone has their own opinion. What does it matter anyway. There are auctions where donors offer merit badges and awardicons too.......would that be considered unethical as well? I don't think it is. I think that it's a silly thing to debate over anyway. This site is meant to be fun. So lighten up people!
|I thought I was going to start my period today, because I have been getting these annoying cramps that feel like menstrual cramps. I guess it's a false alarm. I would've been 3 days early, which isn't uncommon for me to have my period start that early. I was just hoping it was my period, because I am actually due to start the damn thing on Saturday. I hate it when my period starts on the weekend. The only free time I get, and I have to feel miserable during that time. The cramps are continuing to bother me, so maybe I will get lucky and I will start the stupid thing, then it will be over with just in time for the weekend. One could only hope. Another thing that's been bothering me is my hormones seem to be screwed up. My emotional state is fine......it's other stuff. I have been waking up hot the past few days, and I have been breaking out, and getting tired earlier than usual. I have been getting some minor cramping in my right side where my ovary is. My ovaries must be popping out some major egg'age, lol. The cramps weren't any kind of major pain, more like a twinge of pain, which usually means ovulation, that would explain the 'hot-flash' like sensations, that I wake up with at night. The symptoms seem to be getting better day by day. Now if I can get the breakouts under control. My energy levels and body temp have been normal during the day, but it's usually at night when these things bother me. Other than those annoyances, I feel just fine. My nose has been getting plugged up in the middle of the night too. It's possible that I ate something that I have an allergy too. I have read that there are over 150 symptoms associated with PMS. Nice. Allergies have a tendency to be worse during PMS too. If I am going through all of this right now, it probably means that I am in for a very rough mestrual cycle this month.
|This is the most ridiculous thing that I have read all week. Mississippi is trying to pass a law that would prohibit restaurants from serving food to overweight or obese people, or else they would lose their license to serve food and be forced to shut down. Who would you rather sit next to in a restaurant? A person who stinks like they haven't showered in a month, or a person who may be slightly obese/overweight? I swear, we have retards running our country that are trying to take our rights away. Anyway, here's that article:
|I read an article on a local newschannel's website, about a girl that fell off the trunk of her brother's car and hit her head on the pavement. Apparently, they call it car surfing......I have never heard of that before. Stupid is as stupid does.
|Okay, living with my niece is getting ridiculous. I have been going to bed between 10-10:30pm since I have been working again. The first night going to bed at that time wasn't a problem because Jazlyn was at her dad's house on Sunday. Lastnight however, was a problem. I am almost asleep, and the little amoeba comes knocking on my door wanting to pet the cat and watch Aladdin. I angrily yelled at her and told her that I was trying to sleep, and Sheila even got mad at her for disturbing me. She needs to learn that when my door is closed, it means she can't go in there or disturb me in anyway. Because of her obnoxious behavior, I couldn't get back to sleep and now I am suffering/struggling to stay awake by drinking pepsi. I am thinking of making a muzzle to keep Jazlyn from screeching, crying, or making any other loud noises at night while I am trying to sleep. Oh yeah, and some restraints to keep her from coming to my bedroom door and knocking on it. I wish I had some sort of force-field to keep unwanted people out of my room, and only allow access to me or the cat. And then if someone touches it, they get a low-voltage, but nasty feeling shock if they even touch it. I know it's silly and crazy to think of these things, but damnit, I want my privacy and I want to keep Jazlyn out. When I get paid next week, I am buying a baby gate like Melissa said to. I am tired of Jazlyn making life a living Hell for my cat. Every time my cat even attempts to come out and use the litter box or to eat/drink, she chases him, and just this past Sunday, she kicked him hard with her stupid boots. I gave her a whack on the ass, and she got pissed at me. Oh well. She needs manners, and needs to behave for a change. Her tantrums are getting worse, and she's getting louder and more annoying by the day. I tell you, if everyone had to babysit her for even one day, the human race would become extinct, because they would use methods of birth control to prevent getting pregnant and having a devil-child like her. Melissa told me that it gets worse when they turn 3. Uh, how can it guess worse? I already feel as though I have been sucked into the tenth level of Hell by Jazlyn anyway.
1) Jazlyn bites......that's a major piss-me-off thing. She hasn't bitten me yet. Just let her try that one on me and see where that gets her. She also hits and kicks, two more annoyances that I have to deal with on a daily basis. I am waiting for her to start pinching people; as if biting, kicking, and hitting, weren't enough.
2) She throws temper tantrums all day/all night/everyday. This is one of those things that gets really old, really fast. I am tempted to put duct tape over her mouth.
3) She annoys and terrorizes my cat. Pesters him whenever she sees him, and won't let him relax or be by himself. He's already bitten and scratched her. Yet, she continues to harrass him.
Those 3 things alone are enough cause for me to want to get the Hell out of there. Sheila told me that if her and Rich are still together within 6-7 months that he is going to get a house for them. I really hope that this happens. Not just because of the situation with having satan for a niece, but because I want Sheila to be happy in the long run, and I would love to live on my own for a change.
|Okay, you know the old saying, "It's just a game." People take sports way too seriously. Three people were killed at a Maryland restaurant over a score that was made at the Super Bowl. When will people ever grow up? Anyway, here's the article: