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Follow my struggles and triumphs as I attempt to gain a healthy lifestyle. |
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Hello! My name is Carissa and I am third generation sweet tooth. The love of sugar runs very deep in my family, especially on my dads side. Consequently, diabetes also runs very high on that side of the family. Both of my grandparents had the disease as well as 4/6 of their kids. As a teenager I will never forget what it was like watching my grandma give herself a shot of insulin with a deep sigh right before she injected herself or the horror in my mothers voice as she tells me that my grandma is in the hospital because she passed out at a store; due to her blood sugar dropping too low. I also had an uncle pass away suddenly in his early 50's because of diabetes complications. He had a daughter, the same age as me, in college and a son still in high school at the time. In February a doctor told me that I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (referred to as PCOS) and pre-diabetes. This news is not surprising to me, but it still makes me tremble. I want to learn how to have a well balanced healthy lifestyle and still enjoy a sweet delicacy occasionally and have the hope of someday having a baby to call my own. Currently I am 28 years old, weighing a little over 300 LBS and I am using Dieting for Dummies as a workbook. Follow me on my journey for a newer healthier lifestyle. |
| When I first agreed to help watch my niece and nephew while their parents went to Vegas, I only had one concern. Do I have the strength to be hurdled into my old life, the life that taught me all these horrible habits that I am having to change, and be able to leave at the end of the week without reverting to my old ways. If I knew then what I know now, my main focus would be on actually eating. The last four days having been nothing less than chaotic. When I look into the mirror I see a young woman with beautiful brown hair and a gorgeous smile. I'm starting to believe that my family view me as a young man with blonde hair sporting a tiny blue speedo that answers to the name of Stretch Armstrong. The mornings have been peaceful, but once afternoon hits I am being pulled in a lot of different directions. Tuesday was a nightmare. I had grown tired of my nephew not taking a nap until late in the afternoon and then not going to bed until midnight. My plan was to feed him at 11:30 and then at noon let him ride his bike a little to wear him out. I tried to get him to eat his lunch for an hour with no success. I wanted to us this as a teaching moment. If you don't eat, you will get hungry. My mom didn't want to do that and she packed his lunch so he could have a picnic. We didn't leave until 1:00 because I couldn't get him to cooperate at all. If it wasn't for me looking forward to his nap time I would have told him he was being bad and we weren't going to go. My patience is almost completely gone when we finally are able to leave the house. We have a good time on our bike ride and at 2:45 we finally get that nap I have been waiting for. My other nephew is 15 and has been playing basketball after school until 4:30 or 5 o'clock. Knowing this my plan was to go to the grocery store while the little guy is sleeping, go to his house and pick up some more diapers and milk for baby sister, and by the time that was finished it would be close to time to pick up the older nephew. At the grocery store I am rushing to get everything quickly when suddenly I receive a phone call from my nephew saying he's ready to be picked up a half hour earlier than planned. I let him know that I have a few more things to grab (I didn't let him know the only things I had left were weird items I had no clue where to find) and then I would be there, but after I picked him up we had to go and get the diapers and milk. While we were talking I found out that his dad is not cooking meals at home, but they are mostly eating fast food. He told me that he would like to cook but doesn't know how. This breaks my heart. This would be third generation of unhealthy habits. I let him know I would be happy to teach him how to cook a few things and invited him to go back to Des Moines with me. He said he would like that but we haven't made any concrete plans yet. Our drive was long enough for us to have a good talk, but when we returned to my parents house things got crazy. I was trying to teach my older nephew how to make apple salad and we were doing great. Then the baby woke up and was crying. Guess who got to hold her. I am one of those people who do not like to be disturbed when they are in the middle of something. I was trying to teach my nephew something and did not want a baby pawned off on me. So I got rid of her as quickly as I could, but it seemed that every time I got rid of her, somehow she boomeranged back into my arms within 5 minutes. I'm not sure how but eventually we got supper made and was able to eat around 7 or 8. This was the most stressful day, but the others have been similar. |
| I have finally figured why my walks are not as effective as they could be. The answers to all your exercise problems is to take a toddler with you. I promise that bringing them with you will increase your intensity and you never know by how much. WE were so tired yesterday we napped until 6:45pm, and I knew for my sake I better do something to wear him out. A walk sounded nice, until we actually finished our walk. WARM UP-Check We started by walking from our car, across a bridge, and back. It was at least a half mile, maybe more. CARDIO-Check After crossing the brige there is a path that my parents live 2 blocks away from. We walked, wait that's what we were supposed to do, we jumped, ran (even after I wanted to stop), walked backwards, and ran some more (definitely not by my choice). STRENGTH TRAINING-Check I had to carry him across a couple of streets towards the end of our walk. COOL DOWN-A girl can dream, can't she? Overall I believe I was the one to get worn out. He didn't fall asleep until midnight. After burning all those calories I needed to compensate with ice cream. That had been my first thought. My next thought was that a root beer float would be better because I wanted ice cream and I was thirsty. Luckily it was a ten minute drive to my location, so I could slap the crazy thoughts out of my head. I ended up getting a Powerade with my meal and no ice cream. I struggle with feeling that I'm not progressing quick enough. Then I have moments like these that show me how much I have changed my lifestyle in 29 days. I am beginning to listen to my skinny me and it will only get better. |
| Somehow I got stuck taking my 2 year old nephew to Monkey Joes, which is a large building filled with 6 or 7 inflatables. This experience was an eye opener for my husband and me. Because my nephew is so young adults were allowed to go in with him. Neither of us felt comfortable going in the different inflatables with him, one of them we wouldn't have fit through the hole if we wanted to. It really sucked telling a 2 year old we couldn't go in with him because we were too fat. I know we don't have kids, but what if we did and they had to miss out on things because mommy and/or daddy weighed too much. That would be horrible and that's not the scariest part. As soon as my nephew was finished at 1 jump house he quickly ran away to another one. Sometimes I couldn't keep up with him. It makes me think, if he can run this quickly here, he can also run fast at any other time he wants. I wouldn't be able to catch him or save him from harm. It's scary to think about. All I can do is continue to do my best and know the results will come...eventually |
| The last couple of days have been rough. I am learning very quickly what not to do and that anything can cause you to make a less than perfect decision. I have worked hard all of today in preparation to spend a week with my family. Trying to finish deadlines I have set for myself because I know it will be difficult for me to work on anything while I am away from home. My nephew does a great job of keeping me busy :) I am also doing laundry because I can't decide what I want to pack. My husband teases me about that, but what can I say, I like my options! I am also squeezing "quality" time with my husband since I will be away from him for a week. Even on a busy day we all must eat sometime. In the chaos of today I didn't want to take the time to figure out what to cook or take the time to cook it and ordered my go to meal; pizza. The good news is that I ate enough pizza to keep me satisfied the rest of the night. However, I am now starting to become concerned that I am reverting to old habits not to mention I am terrified of living in the environment I learned these awful habits in. I still have lots to do before I go to bed so this is going to be short and just a heads up, my blogs will probably be short all of next week. Thank you for reading and have a great day! |
| Overall yesterday was a very good day. I ate vegetables for a snack and that never happens. I had peanut butter on celery. When I think about it its crazy that I never prepare this snack for myself because getting the peanut butter on the celery is messy and I feel it takes to long, but I have came up with a way that is more efficient and less messy to get the peanut butter on the celery. I take a plastic sandwich bag, spoon in the peanut butter, a then cut a small hole at one of the corners. It's the same concept as bakers piping frosting. The best part is that it's fast. I was finished in 5 minutes! My husband sprung a spur of the moment grocery trip on me last night. For not being prepared we did very well. Within moments of walking in the door they had an enormous pile of my favorite sugar cookies. They were sitting on the floor and had to stand 3 or 4 feet tall as well as 4 feet wide. At the beginning of the month if I would have seen all those cookies I would have went crazy and not purchasing them would have put me in a bad mood. Last night I walked past them and it didn't bother me. I had a small yearning, but it quickly vanished. My husband and I split up when we entered the store, so right before we left I showed him the mountain of cookies that I had walked past. That was a great feeling! However, there was one item we shouldn't have picked up and the only reason we did was because of a damn commercial that accomplished it's job. The most recent twizzler commercial is of people just sitting in a white room. The people have a serious look on their face and then from the side of the screen they are poked with a twizzler. As the people begin to smile and laugh you hear a man say, "You can't be serious with a twizzler." From the first time my husband saw this commercial he has thought it would be fun to poke someone with a twizzler and he makes a comment every time we see it aired. Last night we bought a package of twizzlers. They were so fresh and tasty that I couldn't stay away from them. I ended up eating the whole bag over the course of the night. Knowing I did this does upset me, but not like it used to. Before I would beat myself up to the point of depression and an attitude of I don't care. It would have taken me a week or longer to pick myself back up. Today I look at it as a learning opportunity. While I have made a lot of progress, there are still some things I cannot control. I bought the twizzlers, I ate the twizzlers, and at the end of the day I cannot change anything and am forced to move on. It's up to me to chose how I move on. P.S I exercised yesterday and I love the energy it gave me. YAY FOR EXERCISE! |
| Warning: I did not proof read this entry. The events that happened today really upset me and reading through it is too tough at this moment. Anything good that happened on day 25 was quickly overshadowed by the terrible. We received a check in the mail because we had over paid on our escrow last year and with how tight our budget has been since I lost my job anything was well welcomed. My excitement soon turned to panic though when I went to get into my car I realized that the last time we had driven it, we had left it without locking it and someone else noticed it before we did. The contents of the middle console had been emptied onto the driver’s seat while everything in the glove compartment was dumped on the floor. Not knowing what had been left in the car, panic consumed me as I started thinking about the what ifs. What if I had bank misplaced bank information or a check book? Was there anything valuable that I had forgot about? Luckily we live a mile from our bank and I was able to get there quickly and even called my husband on the way to tell him what I had discovered. He asked the scariest question, that I hadn’t even thought about. Did we have a garage door opener in the car? I had no idea what the answer to that question was, but what I did know is that if they did find a garage door opener they would have hit the jackpot. Bikes, mowers, a grill, you name it and there is a good possibility it’s in our garage, as well as a hidden key to the house in case we lock ourselves out. If they would have found that key they would have had access to our whole house. Being all worked up, we ordered pizza for supper. We have been doing a great job of not ordering pizza and trying to cook for ourselves so I am not upset we ordered it. I had felt as though someone had violated my personal space and was unsure of what all they got if anything. As the night went on I my nerves finally settled although both my husband and I are both still on edge. Every little noise we are checking out just to make sure it’s not foul play. I had also been thinking about Dairy Queen and got an oreo blizzard, my husband wanted spaghetti from Fazoli’s. I think the stress caused us to both want our comfort food. My final thoughts on the food is that I have come too far to cry over 1 day. Today’s entry is more of a way for me to vent and try to relieve a little stress. As if someone rummaging through my personal belongings wasn’t enough I did something stupid. I checked Facebook. I have realized that more harm comes from Facebook than good and for the last month I have deleted the apps and have not checked it, until tonight. Even though I do not get on it my husband still tags me in different posts. Last Friday I was freezing and could not get warm for whatever reason so in the middle of summer I was watching tv in sweatpants, my Iowa Wild (Hockey) sweatshirt, and 2 blankets. My husband thought this was hilarious, took a picture, and posted it to Facebook. One of my former co-workers saw it who is a huge hockey fan and made a few comments on the photo wanting to know who I was cheering for since the Minnesota Wild was kicked out the first round of the playoffs So today I Facebook stalked her to see how she was doing as well as if she had posted any recent pictures. Shortly before I broke up with Facebook, she announced she was pregnant. She is due in October and barely showing, but she will start to soon. As I was checking my newsfeed I noticed that a girl I went to high school with is also expecting her first child. When I was younger I didn’t want to have a child right away. I was more concerned with traveling and doing the things I wanted, thinking I had all the time in the world. Now, I am nearing 30 and desperately want a child of my own to love. I want to hold them and tell them every will be ok, make a mess in the kitchen and teach them to jam out to Backstreet Boys and Nsync like I do. I want to show and teach them everything. The hardest part is I am unsure if I will ever have these kids I dream about. I have been cursed with the number 1 cause of infertility in the US. You can still get pregnant it just becomes a lot more difficult and higher risks. My husband continually tells me it will happen someday, but every time he says that it irritates me. I feel like he is trying to play God. How does he know if I will ever get pregnant? He is trying to keep the hope alive, but it’s easier when you are the person who doesn’t have the problem. The part that is the worst is when someone I know or am close to gets pregnant, I have mixed emotions while I am happy for them, it also makes me feel like they are living and I am stuck forcing to watch them live the life I dream of. |
| I sit here perplexed as I think about yesterday. It should have ended with me feeling very proud of myself, instead it ended with late night munchies that unraveled me and all the progress I have made in the last 24 days. For me the hardest part is that I used one of my tricks and it failed me, leaving me with nothing except an overwhelming since of betrayal. I woke up yesterday determined to be well balanced throughout the whole day. I was shocked at breakfast when I looked at the nutrition label on my protein bar and light yogurt and realized that my protein bar did not have a sufficient amount of carbs in it as I thought it would. Combined both sources of food only had 30 grams of carbs. I have been told to try and consume around 50 grams of carbs per meal. I ended up having 2 slices of toast to finish breakfast and I do not believe I have ever been more satisfied after breakfast. Usually I am starving in a couple of hours. Knowing I have been putting off trying a new salmon recipe I found online. I am not a huge seafood fan, it's hard enough to get me to eat a fillet, but if it's looking back at me or has bones, there is nooo way I will eat it. Trying to be optimistic I made a note that read, Were having salmon tonight and it's going to be good (tell yourself this repeatedly). It didn't work I was not happy about eating salmon at all. It seems to me that everything is compared to chicken, if they made seafood taste like beef and potatoes without the calories I could live with it. To be honest I don't think the salmon wanted to be eaten either, cooking it was stressful. In Iowa you want to buy frozen seafood because it is a lot fresher than the meat departments selection. The salmon we usually eat has a cook time considering it's frozen, last nights salmon had a cook time suggesting the fillet was not frozen. Trying hard to make everything finish at the same time I was very stressed when my potatoes were done, the oven timer was going off, and my sister in law had just received a bad check up from the doctor and needed to talk. If you think that's good just wait it gets better. I take the potatoes off of the heat and check the salmon. Majority of it is still raw and here I thought it would be done so I could quickly mash the potatoes and we could eat. Not a big problem it happens all the time and there is a easy solution, cook it longer. I cook it for 5 more minutes, pull it out and realize it is still raw on the top. We let it cook for another 3 minutes when we check it it's appearance tells us it's cooked for the most part and now I can proceed to the next part in my recipe, which is to broil it for a few minutes. This is when things got crazy. After a minute of broiling, the parmesan that fell off of the salmon started burning, causing the smoke detector to sound. I quickly pulled out the salmon when a piece of the aluminum foil caught fire. I was able to put the fire out before it got out of control, meanwhile the smoke detector is still going off, not to mention my phone is blowing up with text messages. I'm not going to lie after all of that I was hoping the fish would be ruined and I wouldn't have to eat it. Of course I would have had the attitude of I made an effort and it just didn't work out. The only thing left to do would have been to order pizza. Unfortunately sometimes you can't catch a break. We checked it's temperature and after all of that the salmon was still a few degrees undercooked. switching from the broiler back to the oven we cooked it a little longer and then it was finished and we could eat. The salmon did have a good flavor, but I would rather have had a burger. After supper our evening calmed down and we decided to watch TV, 9'clock rolls around and I'm hungry. I turn to my go to food, popcorn. After eating a bag I am satisfied for a while and then at 11:30 I feel like I am starving. The last time this happened I went to McDonalds and after eating I was fine. Last night I got a 6 piece chicken nuggets for the protein and a small fry for the sodium and afterwards I was still hungry. It wasn't until I ate 3 Atkins bars that I was satisfied. I am baffled that the chicken nuggets didn't satisfy me and need to think of something better than McDonalds when I become really hungry at night. I pray tomorrow is a lot less exciting. |
| I do not feel like today was a horrible day, but it was not the best day I have had either. It started out like any other day but then I sat down attempting to finish chapter 2 of my novel. This is the second day I have tried to sit down and write the second chapter, but I am having difficulties expressing the ideas I am having. I know how I want the novel to progress, but am struggling actually making it a reality. I believe this irritation is what caused me to mildly slip up today. I severely cut my carbs for the beginning part of my day. I had a few ounces of turkey, carrots, and a few strawberries. I never felt satisfied munching on string cheese, almonds, and Atkins bars throughout the day. Still I felt the urge to eat. Then, at the exact time my husband was getting off work; I fixed toast and spread Nutella on it. I was satisfied and of course when my husband came home he wanted to eat. He suggested pancakes and that is what we ended up having along with turkey bacon. Whatever carbs I was lacking from the morning I had now made up for and then some. Sitting here reflecting on today I am also thinking about last week when I did very well. I have realized that last week was more balanced. I had a good mixture of protein and carbs leaving me satisfied. I also believe that not having good carbs when I first wake up, may be the reason I am struggling with my writing. A well balanced diet is what I will be focusing on now. |
| Sometimes, more often than I would like to admit, my excitement gets a little carried away. I get an idea in my head and from there my excitement takes over until I have an idea that is larger than life. Typically this happens when I start doing well on a diet. I will start to day dream about what it will be like to wear a bikini for the first time in my life or how excited I will be when the day finally approaches that I can fit into my junior prom dress. As a result of my excitement I have decided that I will be taking 2 trips along my weight loss journey. One trip to Branson Missouri where I will be able to ride the 3 story tall go-kart track and a zip line tour without having to worry that I am over the weight limit for the attractions. The other trip will be to Hawaii because I have never learned how to swim, partly because I have never felt comfortable in a swimsuit and I'm terrified of drowning. The Hawaii trip is only going to happen when I have changed my body and have broken out of my shell that allows me to be timid. These are my dreams. The problem with my dreams is that when I start doing well I become excited because I feel like my dreams are happening, but then when a small bump in the road comes my way I start to panic and fear the worst. Most of the time I stress out to the point that I cause myself to fail. Today I began this slippery slope. I'm not sure if I have reported this or not but so far I have lost 7 LBS this month and that is the best I have ever done in a single month. A normal rate for me is 4-5LBS in a whole month. Starting to become very excited I am hoping to reach the 10LBS mark at the end of May. Of course my mind can't stop at 10LBS. I have started thinking that if I continued this rate I could be at my wedding weight by my 7th year anniversary in October, but do I stop there? NOPE! If I kept up my weight loss through the holidays I would be close to my high school graduation weight by Christmas. How awesome would that be! Having these dreams and goals are great, but there are consequences. The main consequence is that I do not let go of my dreams easily and the moment I begin to focus on my dreams is the very moment I start to nitpick my success, ultimately losing my dream all together. I know it sounds like I am being a drama queen and I am, BUT I am stressing out over this for a reason. It has happened to me before. Once I start picturing myself at my goal I get a rude wake up call the next time I look in the mirror and realize that picture in my head is 100LBS away. This kind of behavior leads to depression and I have worked too hard this month to start daydreaming just to get hit with a harsh reality that leads me to give up completely. Sorry about that I become excited so easily sometimes it is hard for me to control myself, but I have closed my eyes, taken deep breaths, and am playing Katy Perry's song Firework. On a great note I talked to my sister in law today and told her about some of the new things I have incorporated into my new lifestyle and she responded saying that I am inspiring her to get back on her program. It feels really good to know I have helped her in some way. I hope she tries some of the things I have mentioned to her (I have also mentioned those things in my blogs too) and that they help her like they have me. Now all I need to do is learn to control my excitement. |
| I am very excited to share part 2 with you. I knew that today I would be faced with a test. The test being; Have I changed during the last few weeks or not? I am happy to announce I have in fact made significant progress! Given my background of eating out more often than I should and how easy it is for me to sink back into that lifestyle, I was very hesitant when I was invited to a birthday dinner at a restaurant, complete with cake and ice cream to follow. I was afraid I would have a yearning to eat out again. I knew I had to make a conscience decision to get back on track today, and I did it! We went to the grocery store to get food for this week and I could have easily been tempted on 3 different occasions, but I left the store temptation free and the best part is that when I left I had no feelings of numbness. I had simply went to a store, got my groceries, and left. Being my quirky self, once all the cold foods were put away, I played Demi Lovato's Confident and danced to celebrate. I really did feel confident and that is a wonderful feeling, But wait that's not all! As you know I have been worried about certain days I have planned in my near future. I am afraid these days will throw me back into past habits I have no intentions of going back to. I am particularly worried about spending a week with my parents who always eat out. I have been pondering a solution to my problem since I found out I am going to be going there. Tonight I found my solution. While talking with my mom I asked her, "On average how many times a week do you typically eat out?" She didn't give me a good answer, but she didn't need to. I know they eat out almost daily. What she did say was that she had been meaning to talk to me so we could make a menu for the week I am there. She continued saying that they are wanting to eat better and want to make sure I can continue my healthy efforts while I am there. Once again I have been worrying about nothing. I have a friend who is spending a week with us in July and I know she is wanting to eat at a few places. Once again I am trying to figure out how to make her happy and to be healthy as well. I guess I know what I will be talking to her about on our next phone call. Who knew trying to live a healthier lifestyle could also teach me stress relief? |
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