Selah // Something Witty

I apologize for the ramble of incoherent thoughts that are about to happen. I left cohesion somewhere last Wednesday, and I do not think it'll be coming back soon. Mostly, I'm doing this as an extension of a character sketch that goes beyond what I had gleamed from PrepMo.

See, I have this character who I'm essentially breaking in slow motion. For the sake of this argument, I'm going to call her Si. She has a kind heart, a depth of sympathy for the sick as she was extremely ill as a child, and a deep understanding of politics as her father is a diplomat. She believes in doing what's right, no matter the circumstance. However, she comes from privilege, not that that is inherently anything good or bad, but her basis for understanding comes from that perspective. She never had to go without a doctor or a meal, and at times that level of privilege makes her unintentionally vicious and gives her a penchant of arrogance. Si gets what she wants. Once her mind is set on that goal, she will make that goal a reality. Sometimes in not the most gracious of ways. And she's adored. Her kindness, her beating out the odds of surviving her illness as a child, her keen mind and heart, there are few who could ever say no to her. And in the beginning, that's okay because she's the kind of person who deserves about 98% of everything she asks for.

The problem is time. The goodness of her person meant that when the essence of her world asked for her help to keep the balance she said yes without hesitation. She did not understand what that meant. Neither did the other eight people who answered the call. Balance meant sacrifice. For the others that meant death. Life cycle after life cycle, most of them laid down their lives for the good of the balance. For Si, it meant surviving. A long life without the people she loved the most. She kept their story alive to guide them when the next life came around. But it's hard being a survivor. Somewhere around the fourth go around she begins to really question why she's the one who usually dies last. Her heart isn't the purest. She isn't the most skilled warrior. Her mind isn't the smartest. Although she's overcame illness, she's not one for the sick room. But she has words, several lifetimes worth of words that can cut or drug or motivate even the most stubborn of individuals. Persuasion and politics and getting her hands dirty, that she can do, even at the cost of her soul.

Maintaining becomes this burning purpose that motivates everything she does because there has to be a reason why she isn't sacrificed. She's buried her lovers, her friends, her family over and over again. Surviving means waiting. Waiting means unending amounts of time to think of everything that went wrong. By the fifth cycle of things, she has become a hardened person who will make sure goods prevails even if that means she becomes a monster doing it. However, it's not that simple. Things in life are never that simple. Because the first time she sacrifices someone for the good of everything else, it's becomes easier to justify things down the road, at least on paper. But it weighs on her heart. And that first person isn't just anyone, but someone who is with her on this endless cycle of balance. Si doesn't know it at the time, but when she does, she cannot escape the judgment of her choices. Even more, she's not sure she would do things differently. Balance is the goal, and she always gets what she wants.

The thing I'm asking myself most about this character is that she's a good person. She's just tired. She really doesn't understand that what she wants is not to survive anymore. By the seventh cycle, she lost so much of herself in the death of others, she cannot see up from down anymore. She cannot separate balance and loss and love and grief, so she does some really drastic things just to force things to stop. It drives her to near madness. The core nine really weren't meant for this many cycles, this constant reincarnation, and she's one of the consequences of that unending loop. The struggle is finding that line of stretching her just to the point of unforgivable for all the right reasons. Si isn't morally grey. At least she doesn't see herself as that. She fights for what's good. It's just that any of her idealism of how that can be accomplished slowly drifts away under the constant current of the river her life is trapped in. She will lie, kill, steal to make sure goodness prevail.

The question that keep popping up as I write her progression is - how far is too far? How do I write her without her becoming a caricature of a villain? I don't believe Si would ever say she was a villain. A monster, sure. That was her sacrifice. She became something that's unrecognizable. But I'm not even sure she would understand that she was a monster. I think her mind would always think the ends justified the means. Not that she didn't doubt, just that even the increasing emptiness she feels isn't because she's gone too far. It was necessary. Always necessary. And to admit that being the last survivor has become a type of abandonment and her biggest fear has morphed into being left alone again is unthinkable until that's the only thing she comprehends. Good must win and she must not be that last to die. This singular focus at any cost. So I ponder, how far is too far, and in the end, would it matter to her?