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Rated: E · Book · Emotional · #2240173
Starting back on the journey of writing after a brain surgery and a long break
I've journaled a couple of times and marked them as private entries and now it is a big move for me to blog for the public. I'm really nervous and I just have to say that grammar and punctuation are not my first priority here. My priority is to keep my fingers moving and to try to gain back the confidence I once had as a writer. I've only had a couple of poems published but my writing has helped me survive for most of my life. Sharing my writing with others was at times the only way that I could express myself. About seven years ago, I had a brain tumor. It was benign but it began to grow and push into the occipital lobe of my brain. I had extreme headaches that no one could ever explain and that I was told were not caused by this meningioma, but they are gone now that it is. Coincidence, I think not. I have severe PTSD and I was told that my headaches were all in my head, that they were just a part of my depression, anxiety...Blah, Blah, Blah..,
After they removed the brain tumor (meningioma) at St Mary's Hospital, part of the Mayo in Rochester MN, there were a lot of things that happened that had not been explained to me. I stuttered for almost a year. I still have difficulty finding words, where it seems like before they just flowed out. I began having seizures and would just fall face first on the ground. I can hear people around me when it's happening but I can't move. Sometimes I could feel when it was going to happen and I could hear and feel things just getting farther and farther away.
I was so frustrated at not being able to find my words, For months, years, even now sometimes I feel like I have so much to write about and yet the words won't come. Now I am going to try to blog. I have entries in my portfolio from contests past and poems I wrote, but I struggle with remembering how to enter contests or use the website. It's like I am starting all over. After my initial brain surgery I ended up having 2 more, which did not help my already struggling memory and vocabulary. My head got infected after my surgery and they had to remove all of the bone flap, leave the skull open to heal and then replace it with titanium. To add insult to injury I had a blood clot in my lung after one of my surgeries and my body erupted in a fit of complaints at all of illness and surgery. I have Sjogrens Disease, an autoimmune disease that affects the whole body, mostly your kidneys, joints and can cause dry mouth and dry eyes to the extreme. It made an appearance to say it was not was not happy and it's taken me a long time to get somewhat well. My wife and I have been married for 7 years and together for 17 years and she has been my knight in shining armor throughout everything. She has always encouraged me to write and when I told her i was going to write a blog and let people read it, she said "Go for it." I may tend to go from subject to subject but it seems like I have words that have just been sitting in me for so long. My wife, Mitzi is in the hospital as I write this. COPD issues. Thank God it's not Covid 19. Mitzi is 12 years older than me, so she is 65 years old. She inherited what is called an essential tremor from her dad. This basically means her hands shake, she can't hold on to things without dropping them or spilling them and her balance and gait can be affected. There is a surgery down at the Mayo called Neuravive, where they go in and they use laser waves to burn the affected nerve. There is a 95% effectiveness rate. It's just gathering the money to go down at do it. I think we will find a way. Mitz is feeling so useless and I think having this surgery will let her do some of the things she wants to keep doing independently. Again, I know I'm switching subjects again...I'm a little nervous with my lack of computer skills and a little more difficulty understanding how to do things that I wont understand to navigate the writing.com site or enter contests for fear of doing them wrong. If anybody out has felt this anxiety and has some tips about it let me know.
Mitzi and are really living in a wonderful apartment building right now. It's a "Senior" Building, but they take people 55+, and then there are those of us who get in on our spouses age, LOL. We have a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment with a washer and dryer in our apartment. We were lucky to get in here. We moved in right after it was built so everything is new. New appliances. New exercise room. There is a little park with a pond right down the street. Our corgi/Pomeranian Tucker loves to be walked down there to chase the geese and ducks. We have a balcony on our apartment and we have seen some beautiful sunsets. We are both on disability so most our checks go to the rent but there is really nothing that we want for. I am so grateful for all that we have. There have been so many homeless encampments in Minneapolis and St Paul, which is just 25 minutes away from us. They have had several propane fires and drug deaths and the police go in and push people on to the next place, never really solving the problem. Mitzi and I and most the people I know are one check away from being homeless, we have to be very grateful. Last year, I crocheted a bunch of hats for the homeless. This year I made masks. I will never be able to do enough.
I also am attempting to start a small business. 'Jordys Creative Jems'. Talk about scary! I know nothing about social media or selling things online or uploading photos. I make handmade facemasks, aromatherapy bags, trivets, sachets, handmade keychains and jewelry, crocheted hats and washcloths. I 'm learning how to set up my own Facebook Business Page.Last year I took my knowledge of 2 crochet stitches and learned about 15 more from google and Pinterest and started making hats and washcloths. Mitzi and I made aromatherapy bags a couple of years ago but she had always sewn the bags. I was scared of the sewing machine, I had never used one before and as is probably a theme throughout this blog, I have a fear of failing. Once i learned how to sew facemasks, I became so excited about all the different fabrics I could get and the places that I can order from. I found out which places not to order from again and which places have specialty fabrics. It really started my creative juices flowing and i think all of this sewing and crocheting and creating has finally allowed me to get my writing (typing) fingers again. Like I said I know that the writing is kind of fractured and all over but anyone that has any suggestions would really be appreciated.
December 28, 2020 at 10:21pm
December 28, 2020 at 10:21pm
#1000964
It's Monday night and my energy seems to be at an all time low. I am just so tired. it's been a busy few days. Last Thursday was Christmas Eve. My adopted parents are in town from Tennessee. Of course since they were coming from a warm state, we here in MN decided to throw them a Welcome Home snow storm. They braved the storm and came over and made lasagna (my wife's favorite ) for dinner. Before dinner we talked and laughed and after dinner we put on a Christmas movie and all four of us promptly fell asleep.
Earlier that day I was helping a good friend of mine get ready to go to the airport. She deals of a lot of anxiety around taking these trips and is dealing with terminal cancer so needs a little extra help. I myself have PTSD and deal with anxiety myself and although I can put it aside to help others, sometimes once helping is finished and there is finally a moment of quiet in the chaos, it overwhelms me.
Then the phone rings, it is a friend down the hall. She is missing her son, who died of an overdose a little more than a year ago. I am missing my son, who doesn't call nearly enough and I wonder what is happening in his life. It is not that I haven't reached out to him, he just doesn't seem to have time for me. It's too bad, because no matter what, I will always make time for him in my life.
I am not meaning to complain, my Christmas was wonderful and I was able to get Mitzi the gifts she wanted. I really felt like I had the spirit of giving this year, I didn't want anyone to feel left out. We were able to, along with Veronica really bless our friend and neighbor Dwaine with some gifts and a bed/couch, cleaning supplies, dishes etc.. that he really needed. I think he was really surprised that people cared that much. It's amazing what community can do when we pull together. So I'm ending on a positive note. I'll try and write a blurb tomorrow. I'm starting the 30 day blogging challenge Jan 1, so we'll see how that goes!!
December 28, 2020 at 10:21pm
December 28, 2020 at 10:21pm
#1000963
It's Monday night and my energy seems to be at an all time low. I am just so tired. it's been a busy few days. Last Thursday was Christmas Eve. My adopted parents are in town from Tennessee. Of course since they were coming from a warm state, we here in MN decided to throw them a Welcome Home snow storm. They braved the storm and came over and made lasagna (my wife's favorite ) for dinner. Before dinner we talked and laughed and after dinner we put on a Christmas movie and all four of us promptly fell asleep.
Earlier that day I was helping a good friend of mine get ready to go to the airport. She deals of a lot of anxiety around taking these trips and is dealing with terminal cancer so needs a little extra help. I myself have PTSD and deal with anxiety myself and although I can put it aside to help others, sometimes once helping is finished and there is finally a moment of quiet in the chaos, it overwhelms me. Then the phone rings, it is a friend down the hall. She is missing her son, who died of an overdose a little more than a year ago. I am missing my son, who doesn't call nearly enough and I wonder what is happening in his life. It is not that I haven't reached out to him, he just doesn't seem to have time for me. It's too bad, because no matter what, I will always make time for him in my life.

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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/books/item_id/2240173-Its-as-if-Im-starting-over