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A place to keep my entries for various contests and challenges |
| This book is not only a place to create, keep, and store contest entries, it's also a log of items that may one day become something more. |
Written for February - SHORT MONTH, SHORT BLOGS: Prompt - Question from you bloggers: What is meant by short? Word Count, 158 What is meant by short? It's a short word, only five letters, yet it can have numerous applications. It seems short can measure in any direction, it applies to time, and even to tempers. It also applies to clothing and electrical problems. Best slogan for an electricians vehicle: "Let us remove your shorts!" Here is another question; If you have pants with short legs, they are called shorts. Why is it plural? Even more disturbing, it's not only plural, it's plural-plural, as in two plurals! That's right, a pair of shorts; pair-two, shorts-more than one short. If I wear a pair of shorts, do I put two on? If I only wear one, am I wearing short, or a short? If I invent electrically heated shorts and they short out, do I have a short in my shorts? If there is more than one short, would it be shorts in my shorts? I'm getting a headache! "Reading soothes the soul, writing sets it free." T.J. |
Written for February - SHORT MONTH, SHORT BLOGS Word Count 102 Toby had a motorbike, wherever I went I had to hike. I asked him for a ride one day, he said yes, but I'd have to pay. I asked him how much the fee would be, he answered back, "I don't know, we'll have to see." I climbed on the back and we motored away; the wrong direction I have to say. He stopped ten miles away. "Five bucks you have to pay." I explained, "You went the wrong way! Take me back or I won't pay." "Fine," he said, "get off my bike," Now I have ten more miles to hike! "Reading soothes the soul, writing sets it free." T.J. |
| Written for February - SHORT MONTH, SHORT BLOGS Yesterday I had to do some running and shopping. While in the grocery store, an elderly lady approached me and asked for my help in the next isle, "Excuse me, but would you help me get a jar down from the top shelf?" I agreed and followed her around the corner to a jar of pickles that was on the top shelf. Being short, she was unable to reach it. I, being six foot, easily reached the jar and handed it to her. "Thank you, I just couldn't reach. It must be so nice being tall like you." I looked down into her eyes and replied, "No, mam, it aint!" "It isn't." She corrected. "That's what I said, it isn't." (I thought of saying aint again but refrained). She looked puzzled, "Whatever could be wrong with being tall?" "Well, you know how you couldn't reach the jar and asked me for assistance?" "Yes." "For me, it's the opposite problem. I have so far to reach for items on the bottom shelf, it's almost impossible. But If I was to hunt down some person of your stature and ask for help getting an item from the bottom shelf, I'd likely get kicked in the shin!" "Reading soothes the soul, writing sets it free." T.J. |
| Who cares where Waldo is, I'm more concerned over where Andre is! He was hanging around the bar, like usual, the last time I was in, but it's been about a week. He was supposed to post some resolutions for us to make fun of and tear apart two days ago. (Actually he has someone else take care of the posting, but still.) Even though he can be a bit crude at times, he's a likable fellow and his absence has me wondering if something didn't happen to him. I mean, he does pilfer bananas from the grocery store quite often, maybe they got wise and set a trap for him. Or, it could be the gas station down the street. The one he frequents to appropriate toilet paper from the men's room. It may even be, but I hope not, that he started taking some of the resolutions seriously. What if he decided to go for a hike everyday? Did anyone explain to him how this works? Andre may have decided to walk a couple of miles each day without knowing he is supposed to walk back! By now, he could be miles and miles away. Then again, he may just be down in the basement checking the banana rum, or exploring some of the tunnels. There are some strange and atrocious stories and rumors of those tunnels and they are dangerous to man and beast monkey! Just as likely, he may have left a note for Richard ~ Shenanigans INC.   , who is not available right now, to post the resolutions, then descended to the basement to check on his swill rum and, after sampling various, and numerous, barrels of banana rum, wandered over to the room Wordsmitty ✍️  bunks in and passed out.I reckon time alone will solve the mystery of the missing monkey. "Reading soothes the soul, writing sets it free." T.J. |
For "Andre's Fractured Resolutions Blog-O-Thon!"  , prompt 2: I hereby resolve to take better care of my teeth. (Andre pronounces teeth as teef.)What could be a better New Year's resolution than to take better care of one's teeth? I think most people do a fair job, but there are some who lack in the area of dental hygiene. You know. they don't brush, they think floss is some kind of underwear that rides in their butt-crack, and fingernails are best to dislodge chunks of food wedged between their teeth (a playing card or a matchbook will also do. They have green teeth, foul breath, receding gums, and chunks of week old food decaying between their teeth. Some of their teeth are blemished with tooth decay as well as broken and or missing teeth. I really think I should have waited until after dinner to write this, it seems I've lost my appetite. For these individuals, taking care of their teeth is not only a great resolution, but a wonderful gift to any they talk to. I've had the opportunity to listen to a few of these types, and it's never pleasant. In fact, the most recent time was over at Andre's bar. Being a monkey, I reckon tooth care isn't something high on his list of things to do, like bathing and grooming. Of course, he does pick through his hair and eat anything he comes upon. Don't get me wrong, I like Andre. But, when it's noisy in the bar and he leans in close to talk to a person, it's like hot wind blowing over road-kill. I thought if I was coy about it, he might take a hint. I didn't want to tell him his mouth was nasty for fear that I would hurt his feelings and then he would hurt me right before he drug my sorry carcass out of his bar. So, I told him I had made a New Year's Resolution to take better care of my teeth, brushing, flossing, rinsing with mouthwash. It didn't work out as planned; Andre's reply: "Resolution, I didn't think you was that dumb. Nobody keeps resolutions, you idiot, they just make em so they can break em. 'Sides, if you're gonna make one, make it good, like hooking up with one of the dames around here. Taking care of teef, what a goof you are." "It aint nothin to care for teef, you just gots to get in a habit to do it. When you get up, you take a leak, right? So, after you pee, you grab the towel and wipe off the dribblings, that's when you wrap the corner round your finger and clean your teeth. While waiting for coffee, you drink a shot of banana rum, but before you swallow, swish it round in your mouth. Now, teef are taken care of. Also you trim your nails too short, you want them long enough to dig food bits out after you eat or get a match book or a playing card, that works good, too." I just nodded and tried to avoid his breath. "Reading soothes the soul, writing sets it free." T.J. |
| For "Andre's Fractured Resolutions Blog-O-Thon!" , prompt 1: I hereby resolve to get a job. With the start of the New Year, I thought I should resolve to get a job. Sure, I like to work! I mean, who doesn't like getting up in the mornings before time, throwing some leftovers, or maybe a sandwich, in a lunchbox, drive to some building and work like a slave? Maybe it's a good job. How does one define "good job"? I suppose it's one that has good pay. This makes me think of people who purchase a piece of junk and then complain, "I spent good money on that!" I can honestly say that any money I've ever had was good. Likewise, any pay I've received was good; it may not have been enough for the work involved, but it was good. Better than busting ass for nothing! Of course, there are things I enjoy doing, maybe I can find a job doing something I enjoy. But, I enjoy it because I pick and choose when, how, and why I'm doing it. If it becomes a job, I'd quit doing it, so likewise, if I took a job doing something I enjoy, in time I'm going to stop enjoying it because it's now work! I guess it's not the job that's important, it's honest work for honest pay. Honestly? What's considered honest pay? Sure, I'm sure there are some honest business people out there, but I've never found them. The ones I have known want more work for the same wages, they cut corners on materials and safety, and expect employees to drop anything and everything if they need extra work on the weekends, but if things are slow, they don't hesitate to lay-off or send people home. You know, after giving this resolution some thought, I don't think I'll resolve to get a job, it's already bringing me down and I haven't even started yet. Besides, if I get a job I'd have to quit in a few weeks or a month, maybe two just because it is a New Year's Resolution and they are just made to be broken. So, in good conscience it would be unfair to my employer to start work knowing I'm going to have to quit, not to mention, it wouldn't look good on my employment record and could keep me from getting a job later, if I ever resolve to do so. "Reading soothes the soul, writing sets it free." T.J. |
| For "Andre's Fractured Resolutions Blog-O-Thon!" , prompt 2: I resolve to take a nice healthy hike! Why? I'll tell you why. Quite often I stop to blog for your reading enjoyment, but when I tell you what I'm blogging about, you ask me why. What the hell difference does it make? Andre, through one of his henchmen employees posts prompts and I write on them. Now, can I get on with my story? I decided I need to shed quite a few pounds, so I'm eating healthier and getting more exercise. The best exercises is walking, so I decided I should walk down to "Invalid Item" . I figured this to be a nice hike and I can get something to drink; it's important to stay hydrated.Andre was prying apart some pallets. "I see you've sold the bar and are building a new one." "Yeah, what you up too?" I told him and he said, "I should get back in shape, you know." I nodded as I looked around trying to see where I could get a beer. "Yeah, I put on a few pounds, I think it was the banana bread. I'll make another New Years Resolution, take a hike everyday." "It don't work that way, you make your New Years resolutions on New Years. Besides, didn't you resolved to not resolve any more?" "Okay, I'll make a New Weeks resolution, take a nice healthy hike everyday." "That's better," I lied, "Where you thinking of hiking?" "I could hike down to the gas station and swipe their ass-wipe." He thought hard for a few minutes then added, "Better idea:. You want hike, so you hike down, get the paper, then drop it off here. I'll give you a beer for it." I shook my head, "How's this gonna help you lose that pudgy gut?" "Who the hell you calling pudgy? That's it, you want to come back, you better have paper. Call me pudgy, you better take a hike!" I walked to the door wondering how things had ended up going the way they had. Just before I closed the door, Andre yelled, "Don't forget the toilet paper!" A proud member of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" "Reading soothes the soul, writing sets it free." T.J. |
| For "Andre's Fractured Resolutions Blog-O-Thon!" , prompt: I hereby resolve NOT to make any New Year's Resolutions at all. It's funny you should mention this, I resolved back in 2002 (yes I'm that old) the same resolution. It went something like this, "Dad, it's midnight, what's your New Year's resolution?" I thought on it as I sipped my cocktail, we had been drinking White Russians most of the night as well as a variety of shots tossed in randomly, so it took a while to think. "I'm not sure I want to make one, they never last more than a few days, maybe a week." "But, it's traditional; you have too." "Fine, but I need another drink while I think of something." Jim Bob (not his real name) got up and proceeded to fix me another while I pondered resolutions. After he returned and handed me my beverage, I told him I had the perfect resolution, "I resolve that this will be my last resolution and will make no more." He laughed and said it wasn't a real resolution. "I informed him that I had technically stated it as my resolution, therefore it was legal and binding." "We'll see." He figured I would forget and make another resolution on the next start of a year, but I never did. To this day, I proudly claim to have kept that last resolution to make no new resolutions on New Years Eve. Not long ago, in a bar not so far, far away, a monkey told me he too had resolved not to resolve. But, Andre had been hitting the banana bitters pretty hard that night. As he came out of the bathroom wiping his hand on his leg, he looked me dead in the eye and said, "It's midnight, and I resolve to start buying toilet paper first thing tomorrow morning. But, we're out now, would you run down the street and get some from the gas station?" "They sell toilet paper?" "No, you fool; they sell gasoline. But they always have a few rolls in the crapper. Go grab 'em and put 'em in the stalls." A proud member of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" "Reading soothes the soul, writing sets it free." T.J. |
| For "Andre's Fractured Resolutions Blog-O-Thon!" , prompt: I resolve to finally sell the house. Is Andre selling the bar, whos house is he selling? Is your Muse raising money? What's going on? I can't resolve to sell my house, since I rent. If I could get a way with it, I would sell it to myself for a fraction of what it's worth, but I think the landlord would frown upon that. With that out of the way, I wonder if Andre is thinking about selling the bar. I'll have to stop in and ask him if he resolved to sell. It's later now. I left and visited the bar, asking Andre if the rumors were true. Andre informed me, "Those damn rumors are all made up! I didn't do it and no one can prove otherwise." I stopped him with a wave of my hand, "Not those rumors, the one about selling the bar." "Oh, that. I thought you meant the other things. Yeah, I think it's time to sell the bar. It's not like a resolution, I just mentioned to someone or another that i wanted to sell the bar this year." "What will you do? Are you retiring?" "What? No, I like running this place, I like the people, well a few of them, and have big plans for this place." "Then, why are you selling the bar?" "You idiot, I'm not selling the building, just the bar. It's old, falling apart, and needs to be replaced. I figure I'll have the staff rip out the old bar and put it out front with a "For Sale" sign on it. Then, we'll build a new one with all the old pallets out back." That was the conversation, honest apes. Oh, I forgot, Andre is trying to sell a house. It's the one across the ally. Andre informed me he's tired of the guy complaining about all the noise at the bar, so he swiped borrowed a house for sale sign from down the street and put it out front. He also asked, "Is Halo (my muse) making any money?" I didn't think so, or at least I haven't seen any of it. Andre explained that she's been stopping by the bar and selling ideas to some King guy... I had no idea! A proud member of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" "Reading soothes the soul, writing sets it free." T.J. |
| In helping test out a major version upgrade for the boss, I decided I should try writing a blog entry and share it. So, I headed over to "Invalid Item" to see how things were going. Andre was looking pretty sharp tonight; he had on a tangerine colored T-shirt with "Funky Monkey" printed on the back, a pair of red,fuzzy, pajama bottoms with yellow bananas all over them, and a pink pair of bunny slippers. I'd never see Andre dressed up before; for that matter, I've never seen Andre dressed before. He said it was a Christmas gift from some mouse, Amy or Anon, something like that, he wasn't sure because he'd been hitting the spiked punch pretty hard. He offered me a drink, "Something new. It's on the house, but I want your honest opinion about it." I tipped the glass and took a big swig. I should have known better, but I was still a bit in awe of his colorful outfit. I swallowed what felt like liquid fire and gasp for air. Hoarsely I asked, "What the hell is this stuff?" "Well, you know how popular Hot 100 and Fireball is?" I nodded since I still couldn't breath. I decided to make my own recipe. I aged some bananas in a barrel of Bacardi 151 for a month along with a handful of ghost peppers and a few Carolina Reapers. For a final touch, I added a gallon of molasses for color. So, what do you think?" "I think I burned my taste buds off." Andre laughed at my gravely voice, "You sound like Bonnie Tyler with strep throat! But do you like my Burnin Banana Rum?" "I'm not too fond of it, it's like swallowing banana flavored lava!" "It can't be that hot." Andre took the glass from my hand and emptied it with one big swallow. "Wow, your really sweating and looking kind of flushed." He hadn't even winced as the burning concoction went down his gullet. "Sorry Andre, but it's a bit too much for me." My stomach churned and rumbled so loud that Andre heard it. "Excuse me, I think I need to use the restroom." I turned towards the bathrooms but Andre stopped me with a hand on my shoulder. "I'd try to make it to the gas station down the block if I was you, we're out of toilet paper. The cheap bastard started locking the crapper and I can't get anymore." I knew I wasn't going to last much longer, I could feel the burning pressure building. "See ya later." I mumbled as I trotted for the door. I knew I didn't have much time, so I ran around the side of the bar. I thought that stuff burned going down, but it was twice as bad coming out. Luckily I was able to sit in the snow for a bit and cool my bottom before heading back home. A proud member of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" "Reading soothes the soul, writing sets it free." T.J. |
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Man, you know nothing about monkey business! Never poke your nose in them.
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