I'm always confused or worrying about something, and here I let it all out.
I'm eighteen. I'm constantly unsure of who I am, where I'm going, and what I want. Here I try and help myself, and you, to understand why that might be...or whether I just think about things far too much.|
|Wow. Hasn't life just whooshed by lately. Hopefully moving into our flat on Tuesday. It's nice, it's homey...it's not massive, but it's in a great area. Right next to Gosforth High Street, and about 3 minutes walk from work and a bus stop to town. So...If that all goes through, should be there on the 1st August! Eek. Got lots of money saved up. Can't wait. Going to be very scary though. And lots of house warming parties to have, as won't be able to fit everyone in one! lol.
Looking forward to it. I think we're going to be fine. I just want to get in there now. I know he's going to get a bit homesick...but we'll deal with it. Think I'm going to ask him about his favourite picture of his mum and try and get it copied so we can take it with us, and try to get to the place that her ashes were scattered.
SO MUCH TO DO! And results day on 17th August. Yay. So excited. NOT. Terrified more like. Absolutely terrified that my life is going to be over. Eek. Oh well.
Moving out though! Getting big. And ready for the challenge. I think we're going to be great living together, I really do. It's going to be hard at first, while we test the boundaries and stuff...but we'll get through it.
We can get through anything, because we just work together. We click and we can't survive without the other. He brings out the best in me, and I bring out the best in him. Our lives are just so much better since we've been together. So...therefore....it's going to be ok
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|Everything just feels so wrong at the moment.
My relationship, my friends....
Martin and I are arguing all the time. I know I'm hormonal at the moment, and I start arguments a lot...but he said he wasn't 100% sure he wanted to move in with me, because he's got a lot of worries, and is scared about the future.
I feel like I'm just waiting to get out of here. My mum just shouts at me for no reason ALL the time, and I don't get it. First she wants me to stay at home...now she's practically forcing me to get out! I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. I just want to start fresh. I want to move onto the next phase of my like, and I know that doesn't begin when I'm still living at home.
I'm just sick of having no confidence. I want to be independent. I want to be someone who takes care of themselves. I want to be liked and loved most of all I feel so alone...I've only got my boyfriend...and it's not because I don't have friends...I do...I just don't fit in...
God....Martin can go out with his friends for however long he wants. With me, I have to go clubbing with mine cause they live so far away. I dunno. I'm having a confidence crisis.
I hate the way I look. I want to feel sexy and comfortable in my clothes. I don't want to have to worry about my food. I want to like myself. I want to feel like a nice person. Someone that people like. Someone that anyone can like....I just feel like such an ugly person
I feel like everyone's better without me. Sometimes I want to hurt myself so badly to see if anybody would actually care. I'm scared.
|Mum won't stop going on and on and on about the ball, but I just want to get this psychology exam out the way!!!!!!!!! It's stressing me out. I should be okay. I mean, I know I'll be okay...just finding it hard to convince myself of that when I'm revising....ARGH. STRESSED!!!!!!!!!!!!
|I have four exams left out of the fifteen. Not going too badly, but I think I'm going to be disappointed. I'm so afraid.
I can't wait till their over though, and me and Martin can get back to normal. Can't wait until we move out! Not long now!
Portfolio's down to the five items now *sigh*. Bit sad really, some of my items were on there since 2002 lol. Nevermind. I miss writing. Going to hopefully write something in the summer, since it's been about 2 years since I've written properly. Songs here and there, but nothing major. I miss it. I miss using my imagination to create new worlds. Since I've been having really wacky dreams lately, I've been keeping a dream diary and I'm going to eventually write them up into a small book. I know some people hate other people's dreams...but these are just going to be short stories, based on dreams I've had. Hopefully should pan out well...
Exams exams exams....ooh I've also lost half a stone. Go me :D Not dieting as heavily as previously have done, because I'm sick of "being on a diet", I want it to become a lifestyle choice, not a restriction or constraint. You know what I mean???
Hmmmmm... World Cup too. England's not playing that well, and I HATE Peter Crouch. HE'S RUBBISH!!! Play Owen and Rooney together for fuck's sake lol. Hope we do well though.
|Had my first exam today. General Studies. Was okay...not expecting very much from the results of that one. Hah. Spanish Speaking Test tomorrow, and another one on wednesday. I hope they go well.
My band has a myspace site, so you should go and check it out and tell me what you think :)
|I'm knackered. I sleep for over 8 hours and I feel shite for the rest of the day. I feel a bit sick. I've lost 6lbs in two weeks. I feel very proud. And that's not even with exercising. Just hungry a lot of the time.
Martin wrote me a letter. It was so beautiful. It was simple, but so, so honest. Seeing something written down like that...it was so lovely....He's so good to me. He puts up with so much, and I appreciate that.
|Why do I always start arguments over nothing??? Well it begins with something....something small...and then I blow them out of proportion, and then I'm too stubborn and proud to admit that it was silly and that things will be okay. SO STUPID. Especially when it's over the internet. ARGH. AND WHY DO I ALWAYS TRY TO LOSE THE ONLY THING I'D GIVE ANYTHING TO KEEP??? Please, somebody explain the insanity to me. I think in some vein, it's that I'm either testing him...testing the boundaries...OR...I don't feel like I deserve him, so therefore trying to get him to dump me. He does deserve better...
I'm not nice enough to him. Meh.
But I love him so much I want to marry him and have children with him, and be silly with him, listen to him ramble as he always does, laugh with him, mature with him, experience the world with him, travel with him, learn with him, change with him, feel safe with him, get through the toughest of times with him, fight life with him, enjoy life with him, grow old with him. Why do I always push things so that I almost lose all that?!?!?!
I'm an idiot.
|I cried about Katie again tonight. I only had like 2 hours with Martin and I sat being upset about Katie. Why do I let her affect me?!?! Martin said I should just let her get on with it, not let all the nasty things she says get to me...but I really don't know how. She's making every aspect of my life shit and I hate it! Why can't I be strong enough to just not be so bloody sensitive? She's only bloody 16. Grrrrrrr....Life sucks.
|I don't how much of Katie's horrible behaviour I can deal with. I said hello to her when she came in from school and she tutted and rolled her eyes at me, then got mad at me. She said she was going to move in with Dad, Mum cried lots. She said I hated her, not true! I don't know what the fuck her problem is, but it's just not a good enough fucking excuse to treat your family like shit all the fucking time.
Where's my lovely little sister, who I regarded as my best friend????
She's rude, ignores us, gets aggressive with us, lies to us. I just...I don't need this when I've got my fucking A-Levels starting in 11 days. She doesn't understand that instead of running away to Dad's, she could just change her fucking attitude. Depression my arse. She's just turned into a horrible, horrible person. Sometimes she's lovely. Just most of the time, she's such a spiteful, rude person. I can't stand living in this house with her. I can't wait to move out to somewhere where someone I love isn't ignoring me or shouting at me. I can't ask her a fucking question without her getting mad at me. I can't do anything right with her. And now that she's got mum upset, I just can't fucking deal anymore. If she wants us all to not like her around, she's doing a good fucking job. Even if she's having a really hard time at school, there's just no need to be so plain nasty to your own family.
I hate living here.
|Well I found out today that my sister got her boobs out on webcam for someone she was dating...only it turned out to be some little arseholes from our school, who recorded it and have sent it round everyones phones at school. Argh. This so isn't going to help her. Guess all the progress we made has gone down the drain. Want to kill those little bastards.
And Miss Pelican's leaving. She's moving back down to Peterborough in the summer...it's going to be so weird...I won't even be at the school anymore, but I won't even be able to come in and visit. I hope we're able to keep in touch. *sigh*
Got tickets for the Leeds Festival Amazingly, they released more tickets, and after a whooooole day, there were still some left Yay. So I'm going. And that's cool.
I led a revolution in the study room today. For ages, I have been sick of going to a study room that is used as a second common room. Some of the people to blame are my friends, but I just couldn't stand it any longer. Lunchtime is a whole hour that I could be doing more work, whereas otherwise I would be sat around doing nothing. So...I snitched, Mrs Black came in and told everyone the new rules, and it stuck all lunchtime. Whippeeeee. I even had support from other students. Hopefully it stays this way for always. And breaktimes too. If people want to piss about and chat, go to the bleeding common room...it's not that difficult to understand!!! People told me to chill out, but these exams...I will need to be working my ass off, so it's important that I use every spare moment to do work. *phew*
So stressed!!!!! First exam on the 15th
|Martin stayed at my house 3 nights out of the last 5, and I feel lonely in my bed without him. I wriggled so much last night because he wasn't there to stop me. Meh.
I've got a stupid Spanish mock speaking test on thursday, and I'm not prepared, and I just can't settle down to do the preparation. Recording in the studio on Friday with the band, but I'm getting a cold...and it's all bad. Meh.
|Isn't it amazing how fast a year can fly by when you're happy?
Martin and I have been together for a year. I honestly can't believe it. Things still feel so fresh, like I've still got so much to learn about him, to experience with him. If a year can pass so quickly, and when it's been the happiest of my life...it gives me amazing confidence that we won't be breaking up any time soon.
He's always there for me. He's been my whole world, and the only reason I've been able to carry on through the last few months, especially when things have been so hard.
I want to spend my life with him. I can see my life panning out with him, and I like what I see. I think we can build a good life together. And I can't wait
I can't wait until we live together, that will be the big test. But...I think we can do it. It's going to be difficult, but what in relationships is easy??
God I love him so much. Thank you to the forces of this world for letting me find him. I'm so lucky
|We face our struggles everyday. We face personal ones, private ones, work-related struggles...all types of struggles. I find myself facing all kinds of different ones at once. Sometimes I'm not sure that I'm going to be able to cope. I try to keep myself cheerful. I try to deal with things as best I can. I try to work my hardest. Yet, it never seems enough. I don't know what I'm going to do...I can't keep fighting, surely I'll burn out someday. I just want a rest...a moment to feel like I'm on top of things, like I can cope.
That moment never comes. I feel I'm fighting an uphill battle, that I'm not sure I'll be able to rise to.
But we'll see.
|What can I say. Life has been....okay. I'm very happy with Martin still, he's the only one getting me through it all. Drama is coming along really well, we know all our lines now *thank God* and we know what we're doing. Katie is as horrible as ever. Well not horrible, just depressed. Got our exam timetables now. Joyful! Fifteen separate exams lol. Not looking forward to it. General Studies first, then Spanish oral exam. Which Mrs Cosgrove has completely dropped us in the shit for. Stoopid biatch. Meh. I'm just worried. I really need my A's!!!!!!!!!!!!
|We made the decision in Drama today that Sam shouldn't do our exam with us (aslong as David Simmons can help us). He's never in, he supposedly got arrested last week, and he never lets us know where he is, whether he's going to be in...and our exam is in seven weeks. Guess we just have to be selfish, I NEED these grades badly. So...
I feel bad like. Really bad. But, the worry he's put us through, he's never bloody here anyway, and we need him. I thought after Kayleigh left, that was bad enough, but when we found out he'd been arrested...*sigh*, that was worse.
I've also decided that I'm going to put in 6 hours of study a day (on top of my class-time), which works out at like 3/4 hours at home. Meh. Yet, it has to be done. Unless I work through my lunchtime too, then it would only be 2/3 hours. Which isn't as bad. Not like I do anything exciting at lunchtime anyway. So, I'm making sure I work in my frees. Not that I'm working now, but meh. I'm bored and lonely, and I don't like the backspace key on this keyboard.
Eek. It's almost been a year since Martin and I got together. How scary. We're buying eachother presents that are up to £5...so if anyone has any ideas :-S Guys are so much harder to buy for. DEFINITELY. Eek. I could just cheat and spend over. Lol.
Oh well, better do some more work. xxx
|Things have been a bit up and down lately. With Dad...Katie acting out...me buckling under the pressure of having a sister that ignores her family. What can I say though...there's been one constant...one thing that has kept me going, because when I'm with him, nothing can hurt me.
He really makes my life better. I can't wait until I move in with him. I was looking at flats again last night, and I'm just so excited He was saying that Andi and Gemma apparently have sex for hours while her parents are in the next room, when supposedly, she's meant to be upstairs in a separate room...that type of deceit just isn't me. I think it's disrespectful. I want to feel free of all that sort of stuff, be in my own space and not worry about my parents or my sister hearing. And to be honest...I don't know anyone who has sex for four hours, without it hurting lol (for the girl), unless he really doesn't make that much of an impression....ha.
My own place would be nice. Mum and Alan bought Katie and I laptops at the weekend. Really, really good ones. It's going to save a lot of arguments. A LOT. They have internet connection, printer access, and are faster than our main computer lol. I can't wait to go home and do some work on it, tbh.
*Sigh*.... I miss my baby.