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I'm always confused or worrying about something, and here I let it all out. |
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I'm eighteen. I'm constantly unsure of who I am, where I'm going, and what I want. Here I try and help myself, and you, to understand why that might be...or whether I just think about things far too much. |
I am now an 18 year old. Very scary...I'm an adult! Mum let Martin sleep in my room too :D Lots of things happening, but I'm very behind on my work so I better go. Going to Paris on Thursday, but there's loads of riots, so don't know what to do  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Back to school today...Fun, fun, fun. The funeral went very well. Was absolutely heartbreaking...but it went well. One of the priests made us laugh too lol, sounded transylvanian and couldn't say naked lol...very funny :D Seen Martin a lot over the past few days...been really nice...we have so much fun together...I like taking care of him, and I like that he makes me so happy... Mrs fooking Cosgrove just had a go at me and asked me if I wanted to do well in Spanish....well OBVIOUSLY I'm not planning on failing lol. DUH. I'm gonna show her. Gonna raise my game I guess....Work hard. I should be going home right now but I'm staying in and going to do some revision :D Go me. Then I'm meeting Martin on his metro. Lol. Heehee. I'm so in love with him. Birthday on Friday :D Hope he doesn't disappoint me...I know I shouldn't be, but because he's so perfect, I expect so much of him and of the types of presents he'd buy. But he's a guy lol, they won't be perfect  I want something pretty though. Something I can keep. And I want some thoughtful things too...I can't wait Then Paris the weekend after  Absolutely miiiiiiint. He's still terrified for the plane. But oh well....Heeehee.....I love him. |
| Am having a poopy day I suppose...Finding this all a bit difficult. And Martin's...I dunno...he's not here so I've just given up on relying on him for help and comfort. Spesh since he wasn't exactly nice last night, and he had a mate round. Family all giving me a bit of meh-ness for not singing aswell...I just couldn't manage it and wouldn't do Nanny justice... It's really hard. I don't know how to feel, how to feel better, I just feel so down and completely gutted that this is happening. I'm terrified for the funeral. I'm going to live with the images of my family, people I love terribly, hurting so badly...it's going to be so horrible...and I'm scared. I don't know...I feel alone... |
| Am annoyed, upset, tired, pissed off...and grrrrrrrrr. Just because of hormones. I can't get to sleep anymore...I was waiting for a goodnight text that didn't come...I probably won't get to say goodbye to him before I embark on the maybe the hardest week of my life so far...sucks bum. It's Dad's bday today aswell. And I'm getting my hair cut...and I'm confused. I'm bored and I have to go to pissing "Luz Maria's" lesson and talk about shit for half an hour. It's stupid. Cannot be arsed. Would rather be doing some work that will actually help. Stupid fucking school. And they've blocked email! Why the fuck do they have the right to block my email and read them. It's shocking. Grr. They could be reading this right now. Let them, stupid fuckers. Alway stopping me from doing my work on my email account, like sending myself stuff, I can't 'cause one stupid little shit had porn on his email. Not my fault. Yet I'm punished...Hmm...sounds sooooooo fair doesn't it. Pissing shit school. Can you tell I'm due on?!?!?! Don't wanna be crossing me today. |
| Hmm...what's been happening since last week. Mum and Alan went to Amsterdam, Katie had a party without asking me or Mum...had to kick the lads out (her boyfriend is a complete arsehole - he goes to private school and is an arrogant little bastard - and I hate him), and they fucking argued with me. Martin stayed over however, so that was as lush as ever. Love sleeping next to him. Getting used to how hot it is with someone else nakey in my bed lol. But I love it...I love knowing he's right beside me. We had another argument about me going out. Went out with Charlotte on Saturday night, and I really didn't know I was going out...I was complete tramp clothes...ended up going clubbing. He kicked off...he doesn't like it when I go out because he gets paranoid that I might cheat on him. Which is ridiculous. I'm in love with him...for me, that's something amazing and unique and real. Nobody I could meet in a club, or anyone for that matter, could compete with that. Nobody could compete with him either. He's incredible, we have so much fun together, we understand each other and know what each other needs. Why would I want to ruin something so right for me? I've waited years to feel like this, I'm not going to throw it away. Not when I love him as much as I do... And Paris is soon! Only 17 days until I'm 18 too then Paris the weekend after. I want to lose lots of weight before I go...but it just won't happen lol. Going to try and go for a run every day, or do some sort of exercise. Netball tonight, run tomorrow, run on thursday maybe. Just sick of looking in the mirror and hating my body. It's just awful to look at. So fat and lumpy and blurrgh. Yucky. Don't know how he can find me attractive lol. But he does...so I'm okay for now. I'm absolutely starving too. Going to eat less shit. Going to eat less altogether. I've got a greed problem. I never let my stomach feel full...I mean...I just keep eating without even thinking whether I'm full yet. Your stomach takes 20 minutes to know that it's full...and I never do that...I just keep eating...and that's pretty bad lol. I'm not even that overweight...I don't think I am "overweight", just that I'm a funny shape....Which sucks.Bought a suit for Nanny's funeral, absolutely gorgeous. Just need a top and some gorgeous shoes. Want to look nice for when I say goodbye, and make a good impression on the family too. Not going to sing...don't think I'm ready for stuff like that. Maybe a wedding . Wish Martin was coming with me though Spose he's been to enough horrible funerals without having to come to my Nanny's....wish he would though. Hmm..I'm bored as fook. Got a lesson in 15 mins and then a free, then Psychology. And completely forgot my folder...and I knew I had it! I even thought about bringing it and thought no...let's not lol. So stupid...Bleh....Miss Martin. I love him so much. |
| I'm fucking sick of the year 12's. I'm trying to do my fucking work, and they're pissing about in the STUDY ROOM. Why can't they go to the shitting common room and piss about there? I really needed to get this listening exercise done for Spanish, it's really late as it is....and they're just pissing about! I would do it at break time...but I don't think it's fair that I have to give up my break because they're little loud shits. I'm gonna tell a member of staff like, 'cause I'm not having this. AT ALL. Fucking hate them. Had a horrible dream that mum died last night...she's finding it really hard with all the Nanny stuff...and I never know what to say... And kinda eew...I don't mind having Nanny's ornaments and her rosary beads...but mum's trying to give me her mattress protector :S I just find that quite freaky, that I'll be sleeping on my dead Nan's stuff...I just can't... Why can't they shut the fuck up? Meh. |
| I'm still finding things a bit hard...just find it really hard to concentrate. And I just want mum to come home I don't like it that she's so far away...and I need some mummy comfort I think.... Had band practice today, which was cool I'm getting there. And they want me to learn base guitar lol. I'll try I can't get my homework done...just can't be arsed at all! I'm not sleeping, I never have enough money for enough food to keep me going...and I'm just exhausted. I miss Martin like fuck...and it's annoying me. I helped out at the Year 6 opening evening last night at school, terrified some little kiddies...which was very fun lol. Did this kind of mime act type thing with plain white masks, black clothes, and eerie music, not saying a word...was great! Meh. Got driving lesson soon. Can't be arsed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hopefully I'll book my test soon though. *sigh* Want to pass soon. Am bored of my lessons... I feel sad |
| Nanny died yesterday. It's very weird. Today was really hard. I just couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. I was two hours late for school, and I had to get a taxi otherwise I knew I just would never get there. I got into school...saw Joe, burst into tears. Went to Spanish, burst into tears. Went to Drama, burst into tears...Then I kinda got better...at least I think I just got my mind off things. Feeling a bit lethargic still. Went to netball though, really enjoyed it. I'm starting to get fitter and starting to understand the old tricks of the trade again. Played really, really well. Am starting to like Goal Shoot...less running, but more tactics I think...I like it Am feeling awful about Nanny...at least my mum got down there in time...but I just wish mum would come home...want to give her a hug, want to get some comfort in return. It's weird having to deal with this on our own. Yeah, we've got Alan...but I want my mum. She's not even coming home until saturday...that's like 6 days without my mum to deal with the death of a really close relative...Meh...that's kinda selfish I suppose...she needs to sort things out down there...but I do miss her. And I feel completely abandoned by Martin today...I really needed some support, to know he was there for me...and every text was really abrupt...and he's just been "too busy" to text me or ask if I'm okay and actually caring about the answer. And fucking Carl text me. It's like pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaase, leave me alone! Or is it...I don't know...I feel bad on him, he is very lonely. And Joe's friends with him :-S Which I find very weird since he hated him. Maybe Carl's changed. Maybe the army's made him grow up a little bit. Which can't be a bad thing. God I want my mum. And I bet mum's thinking the same thing about her mum...and she'll never see her mum again. Like...what if mum never came back...I'd be broken. This is really hard. I feel sorry for Alan too...I bet all he wishes was that he could down to see Mum and care for her. But he can't. Stupid work. Funeral's not for three weeks 'cause Nanny's priest is on holiday. Which is poop. Long time to not be able to have some closure. Don't really know how to feel...Think I should keep busy. It doesn't hurt when I'm busy... |
| I feel great Things are amazing! Went to this Christian thing on Sunday night, and most of the time we were just looking into each others eyes. Just felt so happy...and then we saw each other twice yesterday lol, and that was amazing. Went to the pub and just sat talking...we get on so well! Things feel back to normal....and I feel great :D:D:D:D:D can't wait to see him again...just love being with him so much... heehee. |
| Well what a shit day I had yesterday. Hadn't cried so much or felt that much pain for months...Martin told me that he wanted to see me less...because he doesn't get excited to see me anymore. Am absolutely gutted. He says it's cause he feels guilty because I'm always excited to see him, so he feels he should do more, and this is what he thinks will help him to do more for me... To me, it sounds like the beginning of the end. Robbie said something similar, so I'm really afraid that I'm just gonna get dumped or cheated on. He says he loves spending time with me, just misses the newness of it all...but we've almost been going out half a year...it's a bit hard to still feel new :-S He also said he was a bit jealous that I was still in the happy, excited new phase, when he wasn't. That doesn't mean he has to try to re-invoke it again...meh. Just couldn't stop crying. Couldn't believe I'd been so naive to believe that everything was ok and that I was satisfying him. Couldn't believe that I'd been stupid enough to want to see him as much as I can, email when I can, and text when I can...most of the times, he's asked me to...it's so confusing. I almost broke up with him last night...I just felt so confused, so alone and so stupid...Hopefully it was just an idle threat. We'll see when I see him today. He hasn't emailed me either...he said he would as soon as he got to college...but he hasn't. Don't know if that's a bad sign. Man, just when did things get so fucked up...I thought everything was fine...yeah, we'd been arguing a lot, but I just thought that was our transition phase to seriousness. He's trying to hold onto the newness...so I told him, if he misses spontaneity and newness, he needs to find a new g/f...bleh... I don't know how I feel anymore...I hope I feel different when I see him. Joe helped me a lot this morning. He was talking to me last night when Martin was being a poop-head, so we went for a walk this morning and had a talk about it. He told me that everything will be okay, and that Martin loves me and he won't break up with me...I don't know. I still think some other fantastic looking, slim, sexy girl will whisk him away. I'm just not good enough for him. Bleh. I better go....wish me luck. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Meh. Had loadsa really horrible dreams last night...more like nightmares I suppose...One where I turned Martin gay...lol. In the other, he was holding hands with this really pretty girl... Nope, I wasn't feeling insecure last night lol. Started netball last night Am feeling it today unfortunately, but hopefully it will get easier. Was a lot of fun, I enjoyed playing. I desperately need to get back into the swing of it though, I was so bad...I suppose I hadn't played for over a year though. I still had some skills  just not up to my usual standard...the people there were amazingly good, so, knowing my competitive streak, I'll just aspire to be as good as them. I miss Martin. School is shit today, I'm very tired...Whitbread wants to change my lesson on Friday for good, which means I have one lesson that day lol. *sigh* I'm hungry... |
| Hmm....Andi said that Kirsty had hacked into my email account to get gossip for Gemma. Which is awful. I even asked her today, and she just laughed and said it was funny, not even a denial. Which means she blatantly did. I think that's a really horrible thing to do. She wanted to find out for Gemma if I was unhappy with Martin, so she could have one over me, basically. I don't know which is worse...if Gemma told her to do it, or whether she did it just to get Gemma to like her again. Grr. You can't trust anybody. It's a lesson I'm finding really hard to learn...I suppose I'm quite naive, I like thinking that everybody's nice and trustworthy, and they're really, really not. *sigh* Oh well. Least I'm not ugly like them, and have a boyfriend who's in love with me and treats me with respect. And I'm intelligent and am going to have an amazing career compared to them. And I don't do things like that to hurt other people. Grrr. I hate Gemma. I want to kick her shitty little face in. |
| Hey Got my maths sorted finally lol. Doing it here. I miss a few lessons like, but at least I'm doing it. Had band praccy yesterday too. I don't know if I mentioned that I was in a band...Bry (who I used to absolutely adore, and the found out liked me, but I changed my mind...) and his mate Deep (who's an amazing guitarist) and this girl Nina, who Bry also has history with lol. But it's very cool. I'm sharing the singing...I hope they like my voice...wouldn't have asked me if they didn't I suppose... Went out last night for David's bday, am suffering right now lol. Got very drunk with Martin I love it how we can have so much fun as a couple...not many other people can do that. I don't think anyway. They go out separately, but not together...It's great :D and he stayed at mine. Might go out with him tonight for a couple of hours...but I'm not sure. I haven't got much money, but it's a staff night out and it might be nice for him to have me there...I dunno...and Bry asked me out for a drink with the band...so might do that beforehand...but not buy any drinks...then go out with Martin and get a taxi back at like 12 or something. Then get up for work lol. Gonna have to do lots of work on Saturday night...keep up with it all. Meh. I want to go home, but I can't... Just want some more sleep, didn't get into bed till like 3...got up at 7 and left at 7-30 lol. *sigh* Kayleigh's the same though, so it's all good lol.Meep....I'm so tired, hungry, hung-over.......ha, and two "cool" people from school got ID'd last night in the queue behind us. Ha. Not cool people, 1.Cool people, 0. Score. Saw Euan aswell...my old best friend from Woodbine Avenue...who started ignoring me the last few years. Saw him other day when I was buying a Sarnie from Subway (he works there), he was really nice. Then he was out last night...and he was really nice...Then he stroked my cheek as he walked past... :S which was a little intimate lol. But nevermind. He's looking well Meep. I miss Martin. |
| Had a bit of a poopy day. Just really, really tired...in Psychology got told that practically all marriages are arranged in some way or form...which kinda put me in a spin about love and marriage and all that stuff...Am I in love with Martin because he's similar to me and can help me "survive"? Kinda weird... Then I came home early...went to sleep for an hour...went up to Kenton school ON MY OWN, met with the head of sixth form, who basically told me I'd wasted my time, 'cause me and Roy had got it wrong. *sigh* So I'm back to square one with the Psychology at Newcastle...it feels like it won't happen. And I want it so badly...there just doesn't seem a way around it. I don't see why the school can't accomodate some teaching space to help me pass Maths AS....surely there's some time when our lessons don't clash and I can ask for help. If not, I'm getting a textbook myself and doing it. I *need* this. So badly. And Martin's busy tonight Really wanted some comfort, since all Mum gave me was shit about this. Telling me to stop crying (when I wasn't :-S ) and telling me off basically. Which I didn't need. I felt like my dreams had been completely shattered and there she was giving me shit for no reason. Only wanted some comforting...Is that too much to ask now I'm almost 18? Surely it can't be...I'm in such a shit mood. |
| Am in a surprisingly okay mood today. Made everyone laugh loads in Psychology, I felt so mint I love making people laugh, just doesn't happen that often. Got me passport photos for my travel pass, so I don't have to be poor ANYMORE. Well...I will be until next Friday when I get paid Need to get my EMA money sorted aswell. Filled out my form though, so it's all good I miss Martin. Was absolutely dying to see him last night, but Mum said he wouldn't always want to see me, and Alan said time apart is good. But I still felt poopy. Then Martin was all "thought you might have come to meet me" lol...wish I had. Going to see him tonight hopefully. I miss him.... He's started worrying about absolutely everything lately...and at first, I was the one who had to learn to trust in our relationship and take the leap because I was scared. Now that he's worried...sometimes I don't really know how to feel about things...whether I should be worrying and whether I should be leaving myself so open and vulnerable to having my heart broken. I was trying my best not to fall so in love with him straight away, knowing just how badly it would hurt...but he convinced me that with us, the rules had changed. We were special. And if he doesn't think that anymore...makes me all confused. Sometimes I get sick of reassuring him all the time, it never seems to get through. Spose he just needs me at the moment...so I'll be there for him as much as he needs. I need him to be strong for me, and let me know that it's all going to be okay and everything's going to work. Meep....I'm bored also. |
| I'm relatively okay today...which is nice Was Martin's mum's anniversary yesterday...so he was pretty bummed, not that he showed it much...just sometimes I could just tell. So...I surprised him and went to see him at work for an hour. And I saw him today :D Wish I could see him after work today though, I really miss him already...Been going out five months today And GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I'm annoyed. He's been invited to Andi's band's gig...but it's invitation only...and guess who's not been invited by fucking Gemma, Kirsty and Kayleigh Snowdon have lol...uh, ME I thought at first, well yeah, 15 people's not very many and there's a lot of people they might want to invite...but now there's like 30 people invited...and I'm still not lol. I dunno...just hate getting left behind, seems to happen a lot. And the way Martin completely avoids talking about the gig...just annoys me...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.I really hope I can work hard this year. And I hope I can find another job and still keep up with my work. It's times like RIGHT NOW, I should be keeping on top of my homework...so I might do it now, and get it out the way. Bye |
| A bit pissed off. Martin told me I should come down to his when I finish all my lessons. I've been finished for like half hour...but I haven't heard from him this morning...his phone's turned off, so how the hell am I meant to get in touch with him? And how the fook am I to know whether to go down? If he doesn't get in touch before half past I might just go home. It's his loss if he can't even email me. I reckon he stayed at Andi's...no battery, no charger, off galavanting playing footie now, and I'm just sat waiting...and last night he was moaning about not being able to see me till Sunday. It ain't my fault! I've tried to make the effort but he's just being a pooh-head. Grr I don't know what to do. If I go down, and he's not in...I won't know where he is and I'll have no way of finding out. So I'm stuck. Bleh. |
| Ha, I've been invited to go to a mini-party at Gemma's Andi's house lol. Without Gemma! That would drive me crazy if it was the other way around...I know she's not me, but I'm sure she'd feel a bit strange about her arch-nemesis staying at her boyfriend's house when she's not there...ha. Good of Andi to invite me though, and I get to spend more time with Martin Mum says I can go aswell...long as I get to school tomorrow...Which I will. It'll be hard, but I'll do it. And I'm watching him play football tonight aswell...gonna be very tired. Only thing I worry about is that I'm on. Just a bit icky if I'm sleeping with Martin...but we'd have to do it sometime anyway...just have to wear big, dark trousers and a sexy top lol. Want to look nice for everyone there, to prove I'm a good girlfriend for Martin, and feel comfortable with myself. So yes...hopefully it all goes well if it goes ahead. Can't believe Gemma's not going...ha....Don't think it'll end up happening, but ha. Oh well...tee hee |
| I'm really bored at school. In the common room, sick of hearing Robbie's voice. He should fuck off and die. Miss Martin. Saw Carl aswell yesterday...can they all not just disappear lol. Got Psychology again 3rd, then another free...then free...Then Spanish *sigh*. Cannot be arsed. Going to Martin's after school though...then to watch him play football. Mmm...I love him. |
| God I'm so happy...He makes me so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was worried about us for a while...but...man, he's so amazing. Heehee...First day of school was alright...got homework already lol. I also get 24 frees over the two week timetable...but I have to pick up Statistics at a night class at Newcastle College...which might suck bum. But it'll get me where I want to go. Martin came and met me for lunch today Had so much fun with him...I just love spending time with him! And whenever he kisses me, he's started giving me this incredible sexy look...just looking lustfully into my eyes...it's amazing...and his fingers have started stroking the skin on my neck and my cheek...and it's just yummy. He's very yummy. And that's all I have to say x |
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