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I'm always confused or worrying about something, and here I let it all out. |
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I'm eighteen. I'm constantly unsure of who I am, where I'm going, and what I want. Here I try and help myself, and you, to understand why that might be...or whether I just think about things far too much. |
| I'm happy. I feel like everything is sorted with Martin, I'm happy that Nanny is improving...and I feel good about myself. Nanny is able to have a drink without any help, to sit in her chair, talk and make jokes properly again, all things that point to improvement, and it's wonderful. Martin...I just love him so much. I miss the caravan. I miss showering together, I miss falling asleep together, I miss making him his coffee, I miss the time when we walked down the beach at sunset and just talked...I really wish I could live with him...I'd enjoy it so much and I could make him happy. It was great seeing him yesterday after having not seen him for a week...but I miss him now lol  Supposed to be getting work done today, but I just feel a bit icky. Headache, period pains, and bleh. And we have no hot water, which sucks ass. Oh well...school starts again tomorrow. I don't really know what to expect. I haven't done all the work I was supposed to...but I was planning to do it last week, but we were seeing Nanny. I'm sure they'll understand that I was genuinely busy working and being away, and that the only chance I had to do my work was last week, but Nanny fell extremely ill. I'm trying to do my Spanish...Theatre Studies...I can't remember! Psychology, I can't remember which part I was supposed to do...but I'll do something. School's just going to be weird. I'm going to try so hard though. I'm going to start doing netball, I'm going to settle down and concentrate. It'll be good for my relationship aswell, not having to see him all the time. I really will have to give up so much time I'd want to see him, but it'll be good for me. I need to work hard. I need to do my best so that I can go to Newcastle and do Psychology and get where I want to be. *sigh* I have to go get dressed and buy Mum food :-S Have a good day everyone. |
| Not having the best day really. I'm still in Essex. I think I overprepared myself for the worst when it came to seeing Nanny, she doesn't seem that bad. She has lost so much weight, she can't talk very well and she often gets disorientated and confused, but other than that...she seems to be making progress, at least that's what's been said. I'm not going to get my hopes up that she'll pull through this though, I'll just regret it. Take each day as it comes. It's Grandad's anniversary today. We went down to the crematorium...it's always so peaceful there, always makes me mellow...I've just kinda gone into the wrong side of mellow, the despressed sorta kind. Martin aswell...he promises to do things, and doesn't...and in a way, I'm jealous that he's going out tonight, fucking advertising where he's meeting on MSN, and I'll be here...waiting for my Nanny to die...I feel like crying. And he just went offline without saying bye, then said I hadn't done anything. I'm sure I have. I always have. He never does anything wrong, ever. It's always somehow my fault. I'm sorry but I'm not apologising for being upset about my Nanny and Grandad...and I suppose I should apologise for my behaviour towards him going out, but I think it's understandable. Him getting rat-arsed with all these random fucking people, which always worries me anyway...there will always be more beautiful and charming people...and I'm always afraid that he'll find them, and fall in love with them. I'm not that special, I can't think that I will hold onto him forever, as much as I'd love to think that I could. I will love him my whole life. It's engraved on me now. Deep inside of my brain, my heart and in my veins, it's engraved and will never come off. Meeeeeeeh. I wish he were here instead of having fun. I wish he could be nicer to me sometimes. Our weekend away was lovely though. We argued a bit towards the end, but that was just tiredness I think. Had long talks, lots of romance and passion, and just general fun. I enjoy spending time with him. Was really weird getting on the plane by myself on the way here aswell...Hurm....I don't know what to do. He claims he's going to phone me soon. My arse. He always promises to phone me but always has some excuse why he doesn't. I feel lonely. With no-one to vent my feelings to except a computer. I just want a hug but I don't want to have to ask for it. I need comfort. Bleh. |
I passed my theory  Go me. But Nanny's dying. Mum wants to go down asap, I've got my weekend away booked, Mum says I should go still, and fly down on the Monday...which I suppose is alright, but when I suggested that, she was a bit mad, and Martin agreed that I should just leave early from the weekend. So I'm not sure what to do. Mum told me that Nanny would want me to stay on my holiday, to have fun and all that jazz...and that's true. I know she would. But am I horrible person if I do stay the extra day? It seems to make sense for everyone else though. Alan will be able to go down early (Friday), and Katie has the option of going down then, instead of with Mum...so I guess that's the way things are going to be. If anything happens I can always find a way back early. I just don't want her to die. She's the glue that holds 8 children together. And with those 8 children, she's got 17 grandchildren, and 9 great-grandchildren, and 2 great-great-grandchildren. So really, that's 36 people, not including partners and husbands and wives etc...I dunno...to me, it's like, where will our family be without her and grandad? They started it all, they've left this amazing dynasty of people, spanning four generations...from just two people. I hope it will bring us all together. The family doesn't talk to Uncle John and Aunty Elaine, and my cousin Jonathon...which is a shame. Maybe this will make things right. Maybe even Mag, Jim, Danny, Laura, Michael, Angie, Kieran, Kelly and James will come over from Australia...we just don't know. It's going to be such a sad day when she does eventually pass away. Thing is, they just don't know when it might be. It could be tomorrow, next week, in 6 months...we just don't know. Mum should definitely go down as soon as she can, she won't be able to stand being up here, when her mother's 300 miles away. I dunno... I'm glad I can still spend my weekend away with someone I love, trust and can be happy with. Will be nice to do something nice before I go down to something that is going to be heartbreaking. It's going to be horrible. Mum says Nanny doesn't even speak anymore... I don't know what to write anymore...Meep. Everyone, please send your prayers to my Nanny. |
| I feel bleh. I've got my theory test today. And I dunno...Martin...I hate the days when we don't really speak that much, and today's one of them. Said he'd text me this morning, he didn't. Comes online for like two minutes and then goes to get showered. "I'll talk to you before I go to work", assuming I'm online, biatch. I might be busy, you know? He won't phone, he never does. He won't text. I hate feeling lonely and unwanted, and that's how I feel now. I'm stuck here, studying for a test that's really important, on my own, only important enough to talk to for two minutes, and meh. I just feel like shit. And he's changed his name on MSN, away from something about me, to some shit with lots of swearing in it. Joyful. It's not even funny. Might change my name to something not about him, see how he likes it. Meh. I hope I pass. I'm not happy. |
Loooong day at work today. Was absolutely sweltering in there aswell, couldn't believe the heat. It's love outside at the moment, but I've got nothing to do out there :-S I dunno how I feel...am exhausted. I've got my driving test theory exam on Tuesday, at 5pm....good luck me . If I can find all my license :-S What else....I'm going away with Martin to a caravan park on Friday  On our own!!!! It's going to be so much fun, and will just be amazing spending time with him, and not having to experience the heartbreak of saying goodbye to him for at least 3 days, hehe. Will also be amazing waking up beside him...he's incredible, and it's incredible that he's mine. We have been arguing a lot lately, but we always get it sorted. I think we're just very similar, and we're very tired lately. I think he's also getting a lot of hassle from his parents, so maybe if I nag him about something little, it feels like a lot more. Bless him. We just need to learn to be more aware of how eachother works. I have to be more aware of what I say to him, and how I say it, make sure I say it in a way that won't seem like nagging or blame. He has to also be more aware of how he speaks to me, and that when I'm upset, I'm not having a go at him, I just want some comfort, a kiss, or a hug...it ain't that hard. At least we've got that covered now, we understand what eachother needs at the moment. I like how we can work through our problems, and I suppose, in a way, we only ever have problems because we love eachother so much...and that can't be a bad thing really. I'm booooooored. He's at work, and I have no money to go out with my friendlies. And Charlotte's text me aswell. Grrrrrrr. I hate having no money!!!!!!! I suppose I better go revise my theory now *sigh*. Wish me luck x |
| I got 7 A's, 3 B's and 2 E's in my exams :D So yes...2 e's not so good...but I can resit lol. Got all A's in psychology which is the main thing. I gotta go...just thought I'd update people on my results ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
Could you love me for missing you whenever you turn away? Do you love me for not wanting anything else ever again, except for you? Do you love me for never feeling like this about anyone in my life, For loving who you were from the moment I saw you? I can't take my eyes off of you. If I do, you might disappear. Because as we both know, you're not real. Nobody like you could possibly exist. Nobody who is literally everything I've ever dreamed about, wished and prayed for, could possibly be real. And yet...here you are. Looking back at me, smiling with those eyes. The eyes that have me caught. And you just look As if everything I'm thinking is going through your head too. Oh...there's a feeling, in my belly... It's warm, tingly, exciting. I look frightened for a moment, and so do you. I look back at you My gaze falling to your lips instead. How warm they look, how soft and sensual and inviting... The sensation in my stomach heightens. My adoration and shock and fear That you might disappear, changes. It's turned hot and fiery. I move my hand to place it over yours. I almost jump at the electricity that sparks between us, The sheer chemistry that has us bound to each other. I need you. More than ever I yearn for you. Not just for the Soft and slow touch But for the sound Of your smooth Voice in my ear, For the sight of Your smile as You tell me you Love me, For the sensation Of you lips Against mine For a few mere Seconds of heaven. It is like I am punished... This yearning...it hurts. Never before have I Craved anything as much. Nor has my desire made me ache to the bone. I want to see you... And I can't. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Thought I'd post what I wrote in Spain when I was bored. I don't know if it's any good, or worth working on, so if you see anything you like, let me know When you look at me, What is it that you see? What is it that you love? Can you see into my soul? Can you look into my eyes And know that I am truly yours? Or do you see me, just as I am, And love me. Love me for being no more, Or less, than just me. Do you love me for being honest When I tell you that I am Completely and utterly Head over heels in love with you? Do you love me for seeing all the things You've wanted everybody else to notice about you? Do you love me for understanding your pain, Your flaws and your memories and Not judging you at all? You look right inside me And it's frightening. I'm laid bare for you, What if you find something dark? Something that you cannot love... You're looking at me now, I'm biting my lip, terrified, But open and willing for you to see me... I'm scared that you'll turn away, You take my hand. |
| Wow....things with Martin are fixed....I'm not quite sure how they are lol...but they're fixed. He's going to come away with me and not go to Harvest. I don't think that's what he really wants, he insists that he honestly thought he could have done both...but that if it's one or the other, it's me. I'd choose me. Well...him. Another amazing thing...Mum asked me if I'd like to go to Rome with him for my 18th! All expenses paid of course...but how amazing would that be! I love travelling and going new places, and think...in a different country, on my own, with the love of my life, in ROME! I've never been to Rome, I've been quite a few places in the world, but Rome is such an old city, full of wonder and culture and history and memories. I love stuff like that. I guess only problem...Martin hates flying. He's only been on two planes in his life...but he's got this awful fear that they're going to crash...I *really* want to go to Rome with him, I think it would be an incredible experience that I will always, *always* remember. He said he would go with me though, which is lovely...I hope he does. If not, I guess I'll go with Charlotte or something. God, I'll be 18...it's only three months away. I hope he's allowed to come camping with me too...if he wants to...I hope he does...we can't really afford to caravan...unless Alan tows Martin's one....which would be fab. Ah, I don't know. It needs to get sorted, but Martin hasn't asked his Dad yet (18 and needs to ask if he can go away lol, his parents treat him like he's a kid, he deserves a lot more credit), so he might not even be allowed. He says he's just gonna come even if he's not allowed...but we'll see. It's great that I'm allowed! I was amazed...A couple of months ago, my b/f's weren't even allowed to stay at the house! Maybe I've matured, maybe they're giving me a chance to prove myself, maybe they really like Martin and realise that he's my "the one". Maybe it's all of them! I hope I don't fuck things up...I want to make them proud... Exam results in 6 days! Oh my God, how much I have failed lol. I know I have...and even if I have, I will be disappointed, because yeah, I didn't try hard enough, but I did try. And I never get bad grades...so it's going to be weird. Meh. I hope I do okay. Going to try to go into work tomorrow, hopefully I'll be okay with it. I'm only working two weeks in the summer, and so far I've worked 7 hours lol...instead of 30! And I'll be getting paid for it! Yeah, that's great...but I am truthfully not well enough to come into work...which isn't my fault! But yay lol. I'll go in next week and work my ass off, show them that I'm not a slacker...Well, I'm going to go to bed soon, only 9.30pm, but I won't sleep that well anyway. I miss Martin. I miss talking to him, and I hate knowing that I can't. Hurm. Just watched I Heart Huckabees. Was a really interesting film, quite funny in places, very confusing...but it raised a lot of good issues, I thought. I really do think everything is connected, we are not alone, we have eachother. Like the movie that's about to come out, Crash...I think it's all about how we can't feel anything real anymore, so by crashing into people, causing pain and hurt, we just want to feel something...because feeling something, is better than feeling nothing at all. I think that's true. Some people are so confused by life, so unsure of *why* they're here. I used to be like that...I dunno what happened...I just thought I'd better start living, yeah I'm pretty lazy...but I'm happy. I try my best. I love my man, I love my family and friends. I think I was put here on Earth to help people. Whether that's through doing my therapy, or even something less mundane, I will help people. Martin has a way of helping people...he just seems to make people laugh and smile, he genuinely just brings joy into people's lives, and that's a gift I really admire. He cares *so* much about people, and yet, he's still himself. He never changes. He's a really genuine guy. I am lucky. So many people bullshit themselves about who they really are, who they want to be, what they want to do with life, and that's a waste. You're allowed to like what *you* like, you shouldn't feel pressure by anyone else to feel, think or do what you don't want...yeah, there are rules for people's safety and feelings...that's okay...but say, I liked metal music, but "everyone" says that isn't okay...I think it should be. What I like is important to me, everyone has their own opinion and it shouldn't be laughed at or shunned. We are all individuals, but we all have the same common goals. We all want to be happy, we all want success, we all want some form of love. Whether that comes from our mothers, our boyfriends or girlfriends, our friends, our dog...we all need some type of attachment, we crave it. We don't want to feel alone. The truth is, we're not. We're all striving for the same thing, doesn't that make us the same? Some people aren't very nice...beneath it all, beneath all the hurt and pain and suffering they've had to endure and overcome, they just want the same things. There is a reason why everybody acts the way they do, everybody deserves a chance at happiness, at love, at success. I do realise that I would be being naive if I truly believed that everyone is good and that everyone deserves a chance. People who have murdered for no good reason have committed a crime, they should be punished...but that's not what I'm on about...I'm not talking specifics, I'm talking about people, us. I'm talking about how we need to be there for eachother. About how we should regard eachother with respect and honour, be aware that everybody just wants the same thing as us...why can't we help eachother? Wouldn't that make everything that little bit easier? How many times have you lost out on something because someone intervened. But why did they intervene? What caused them to act that way? There must have been something...there must have been a point, an occurrence that caused things to happen in that way. And it might have been able to have been avoided. Like that film, Pay It Forward. If one person does something nice for someone else...be it, only smiling at someone...that really does change someone's day. If you're rude to someone, that could be the catalyst for you're own unhappiness, and probably theirs too...I really don't think it's hard...to just be *aware* of other people, and be aware that we are all connected. We affect eachother, and although some people are selfish...I think that this message needs to get through. I will try harder. I've been affected by the good work of other people, and I want to try harder. I want to affect people in a good way, change their thoughts, their methods of thinking...even for just a second...I want to affect change...Change is inevitable, progress is not. We should all help eachother to progress. This life is for sharing, we're all here at the same time, just trying to attain the things we want, why can't we help eachother? I don't know...that all came out pretty randomly...I'm not sure any of it makes sense...but think about it. Smile at someone, change their day, affect them. |
| Sorry for the sheer lack of entries...things have gotten a little fucked up lately. Yeah, I'm ill, I'm on my period, I don't sleep very much...which all doesn't help when dealing with boyfriends. We were going to go to this christian festival (Martin isn't christian and I'm sorta Catholic), called Harvest. Martin then decided he didn't want to go. Which was great, I was only going to spend time with him. My mum suggested we go away together alone instead, which is amazing considering how strict they used to be. I thought Martin thought that was a great idea. He tells Andi (bestfriend) that he's not going to Harvest, and aaaaaaaaaaaaall of a sudden, he wants to go to Harvest again instead. I'm not mad that he wants to go. If he wants to share his caravan with Andi, fuckhead Gemma and loadsa random other girls, get pissed off his face, and go to prayer meetings, that's fair enough. It's the fact he's changed his mind and let me down again. I can't go to Harvest, at least not for all of it anyway, because my Nan's very ill in hospital and the end of Harvest is the only time my family can all get down to see her. It might be the last time I'll ever see my Nan. He says he didn't know this, and that he wanted to do both, go away with me, and go to Harvest...but I'm just really sick of him changing his mind, which disappoints me. I know you all probably think it's my fault for believing he ever really did change his mind, or that I'm being selfish. Just he's done it so many times....stupid example, but last week, we went to the cinema, it was really late and I was going to the bus stop with him. He told me he'd take me home. To me, that was a God-send. I hate getting the bus late at night on my own, so if he was there with me, physically taking me home, I thought this was incredible and I was extremely grateful. Five minutes later, he changes his mind (after telling me he was taking me home), and I was gutted. Absolutely gutted. Talk about lifting someone's hopes up and letting them crash back down to Earth. And thing's just haven't felt right to me lately. Something off...maybe it's me...I don't know...the way I feel about him's changed a little. I dunno...I think of him and it's full of love and passion and want...but there's something blocking it, disappointment and sadness and loneliness. Where or when this all started, I don't know...Hell, he might not even be able to go away with me, on the phone he said he'd rather go away with me, he just thought he could do both. Yet, I know, he's only saying that to make me happy, it's not what he truly wants. In a way, yeah, I'm jealous that I can't go to Harvest. He's scored with countless amounts of people there for all I know, but definitely some. I'm jealous that Gemma's there, and that he's going to have fun with her, AGAIN. I don't understand why it means so much to him, when he's not even religious, the whole base of the festival doesn't touch him at all...yeah, he'll meet old friends (exes basically)...I dunno.... I'm not sure how I feel about us anymore. Last night I almost broke up with him. I was really, really horrible to him the other night for no reason, just because an ex (FROM HARVEST) left him a comment saying how sexy he was. And yeah, I was annoyed, but he kept going on like I was being stupid for caring. So I got mad...really mad, and building on top of hormones, sleep deprivation and general feeling like shit, I just took it all out on him. And last night, I just felt like shit. Everything seems so mixed up to me, he can't see what it's all about...things just don't feel right anymore. And I love him...I love him so, so much...I don't know...I think I'm scared. I think sometimes it gets to the point where I love him in a way that's kinda unhealthy. I can't control it in a way that is safe for me and doesn't hurt me. I'm scared that he won't love me anymore. We've been going out for 4 months today, and that's the same amount of time that Robbie realised he didn't love me anymore either. So yeah, it freaks me out. It worries me whether he's for real. And it friggin' annoys me when I get upset and he tries to "explain" stuff...which basically tells me I'm stupid for feeling that way. Argh...man...he's coming over in a couple of hours. He says he won't lose me over a five day camping trip. Sometimes I'm afraid he already has. He says if it's between me, or Harvest, it's me. I'm not sure that's what he really wants. No matter how many times he's said it, I don't believe him. I know it's my emotions in all of this that has fucked things up. It's all my fault...but somewhere, even just a tiny bit, I know I have justification for feeling this way. I know I do. I don't just feel like shit about my relationship for no reason. I was insanely happy with him, something must have happened, changed, been said...I don't know...I don't know what I want/need from him... I hate this. |
| Got back from Spain a couple of days ago, I do apologise that it took me so long to write in here again. Just out of the habit I suppose . Spain was good...sometimes it was heartwrenchingly awful...(I missed Martin more than I should have I think), and sometimes it was great. In Barcelona there was a garden called the Park Guille...I think...designed by Gaudi...and it was inspiring. A really beautiful, weird place. I loved it. The hotel was nice, the entertainment there was a bit hurm at times, but I did the karaoke, faced some personal demons, watched Flamenco, and listened to some very incredible spanish guitarring. It is a wonderful country, but the poverty is sometimes astounding. I've learnt about it in school...but to see it, to see women shouting and crying on the train, begging for money, was awful. Even women walking around Burger King, begging. Wasn't very nice. I really missed Martin. I wrote lots of journals and bits and pieces of prose and poetry about him...it really opened my eyes being away from him, I realised just how important he is to me, and that I have to do absolutely everything in my power to make him happy. He's far too amazing to let go. Carl hasn't been leaving me alone either. Texting me telling me he still has feelings for me and stuff...but I've finally sorted it out...since Martin kinda got mad :-S and rightly so, I think...I just didn't have the courage to be nasty to Carl anymore than I already had been...I ruined his life, and yeah, not my problem really...but he's just lonely I think. Yet, I still told him not to contact me anymore, because it's getting in the way of my relationship, and that pisses me off. Nothing and nobody will get between Martin and I... I won't let it. I went out for Charlotte's birthday last night, had so much fun. Danced the night away, listened to some great live music, had laughter fits, laughed at guys who thought they were better than Martin. Nobody surpasses him in personality, looks and...well, love, I suppose. God he loves me...it's amazing...I don't know why he does, but I'm grateful. I don't deserve somebody like him, but I will make the most of the time I have with him. And if he wants to marry me...I won't get in the way lol. I'm bored...he's at work...and he's quitting Northern Rock...practically the family business...I'm afraid it's going to annoy Dad, and for some reason I feel like it's like quitting me...I know that's stupid...he physically won't be able to work there when he goes back to college...I suppose he should at least see out his temporary contract...but I was so looking forward to him leaving Subway. He was certain he was going...and now he's been offered the team leader job (still less money than NR), which probably means more hours *grr*, so I won't see him. I hate how he works weekends too, the only couple of days/nights that I will definitely have off work/school/home life, and he works a lot of them. He's not working tomorrow though...which is good. He wants to go see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory lol. Bless him. My hands are cold...kinda hurts to type...Hmmm............ |
| Yesterday was a bit weird. Had the biggest argument with Dad, I called him an arsehole...and he screamed at me. He's never been so angry...like ever. I mean, I was already crying...but to hear my laid-back dad criticise and be nasty about my Mum just pushed me over the edge. Basically...Mum wants to take us to see my grandparents who I haven't seen for years (because my Dad "forgets" to take us). I would really like to see them, because they are very old and very ill. Dad promised me he'd take me and Katie before April. He never did. And we got into an argument about the fact that Mum wanted to take us. He thinks it's because she's trying to be cuniving and nasty to him. I didn't agree. So yeah...Katie almost cried because of the way he was screaming at me. I've never called any adult I respect by any sort of name like that. Was a little strange. Then I got screamed at... Anyway, that was a bit shit. Last night was great though. People liked my hair Which was fab. Me and Martin kinda lost people...but that was how I wanted it, since he didn't really know my friends that well. He thinks he can't dance, but if he just relaxed a little and just went with the music, he really can. Was such a laugh though, got a little bit tiddly (and again, I knew when to stop which I was proud of.), had a lot dances with my lovely boyfriend, and basically just had so much fun with him. I'm going to miss him so, so much this week...I'm waiting for him to wake up. He's downstairs in the front room. And I'm bored...grrrr....And hungry....why can't he just wake up lol. Oh well...got to be at the airport for 6pm...doesn't feel like I'm going away...seems a bit surreal really, been so busy the last couple of days. Probably sleep lots of the plane. Am very tired *yawn*. Not hungover, either. Which is very nice ...well I'm going to wake up sleeping beauty, since he told me to last night...if he remembers lol. I really do love him...Have a good week without my blogs to read  lol. Take care all. |
| I've been blonde all my life. And today...I became a brunette! It looks so strange...sometimes I absolutely love it, then I look at it again, and I go eeeeeek where's my blonde gone!!! I have been dying my hair blonde, I suppose...so that's not natural either, just what I'm used to, I suppose. Very strange. Least I'll be able to tell if brunette's have more fun lol. Going out with Martin tonight. And the chums from work. Should be a good night. Then Martin's staying over...so all good. Go to Spain tomorrow though, going to miss him like crazy! Had a lovely day with him on Sunday though. We just have so much of a laugh, and still manage to keep our relationship serious and passionate and lubberly. He really is my best friend...I would be completely lost without him, I've never met anybody like him...Can't wait to see him tonight. Hope he likes my hair :-S Mum was all "boys like blonde girlfriends, so watch out..." so I'm scared lol. Spain, Spain, Spain. Can't believe I'm going tomorrow. I remember when we booked it! I mean, I'm only going with my family...but it'll still be really fun, I'll get to practice my Spanish, and I suppose, absence makes the heart grow fonder, so it'll do wonders for my relationship aswell. I'm starving...there's nothing to eat...and I'm drinking tonight :-S Not good. Only a £1 a drink aswell...I better not go overboard though. Especially if I'm on a plane tomorrow. And Martin hasn't got paid, so I'll be paying for him aswell. Which I honestly don't mind, I'll just have to be careful what I spend. Since I bought a new top today aswell Well...my hands are freezing and it hurts to type, so I better go find some grub..or watch TV till Dad comes to pick us up. Hehe. Take care all. |
| For the first time in months, I’ve just had the thought run through my mind that life is crap. For months, I’ve been completely satisfied, so happy and outgoing…and all that’s happened lately between us, is arguing, him shouting at me on the phone, and me wanting to see him when he’s not ready. I understand that he can’t see me if he’s not ready, but it’s the fact he shouts at me for even asking…shouts at me for wanting to see him…I know I can’t see him all the time…but when I know that I can’t see him for the next four days and I might be able to have an extra hour with him, it upsets me to be shouted at for asking…Why is he being like this He’s acting like Carl in a way. I’ve not been this upset about something relationship-y for months…I never thought he could act like this. I asked him if this was the beginning of the end…he hasn’t replied to my email yet. I’m not sure he will. I’m not sure he cares. I think he thinks I’m just going to run after him at the time I said I’d be there instead of earlier. I’m not sure whether I should go at all. If he’s just going to act like a dick. Why…I mean…why can he seem so perfect, and all of a sudden act like someone completely different I feel so lost…so alone. Confused…I’m not sure whether this is worth it…if it’s going to be like with Carl…I’m afraid of getting hurt every other day over nothing…I only wanted to see him and I’m going to Spain on Tuesday and he’s working tonight, tomorrow, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday…is it a crime to want to see him an hour earlier I don’t think so…is it me? Do I make people act like this? Am I fucking wrong? Am I so unlovable, that not even the man that I would spend my life with can put up with me? I’m so confused…arguing all the time…over shit. And if I think about it, he starts it…I may not be the best at keeping my feelings undercover, but I didn’t deserve to be shouted at and told I’m pathetic. Really didn’t. This is like a nightmare…it has to be me…Man, I wanna cry…I just want him to come riding in on his white horse, roses in one hand, holding out the other for me to grab hold of so that he can apologise and say that everything is going to be okay. I’m not sure everything can be okay anymore… Can’t believe I’m having doubts…This is awful…my life is falling away…it’s the last day of school, I finished early, I wanted to see if I could meet him earlier…I get shouted at and told I’m pathetic….I thought today would be a good day…not having to go back to school for 6 weeks…but no, I’m sat here, on my own…unsure of what to do…unsure of how I feel…I need a hug, but there’s no-one here to give it. |
| It's the last day of school today. And I'm sat in the study room, waiting for my lesson to begin. Which isn't till 11am And it's my only lesson. I just want to go and see Martin...get all hot and bothered like he got me on the Metro :-S that felt a little naughty...People sat all around us, a person across from us in the next carriage....was very naughty. But very exciting...*anyway* I only really thought I'd be in today to say goodbye to people, but there's only like 10 people in...and nobody important to me. So it all feels a little pointless. And in my only lesson...which will be Spanish, lesson 3...I've just done the work because I'm so bored. Granted, we're only typing up what I've done so far for my coursework, but still...I'm really struggling with the coursework...Can't seem to get a grip on it, just random sentences. I don't feel very Spanish-y either...it doesn't flow...but at least I'm going to Spain soon TUESDAY!!!! Excitement. I hope it's good. I don't like getting too excited for things, because then they always seem to go wrong. Kirsty annoys me. She's not a very nice person. She's a tease, a slag, a liar, a bitch and an attention seeker. And she's Gemma's friend again. So double hate-worthy really. And she talks about Gemma all the time...especially when I'm there, as if to rub it in that she doesn't want to be my friend anyway. If I think logically, I know that Gemma was a bad friend anyway, she doesn't deserve to be friends with someone like me...I'm above her. Still hurts that she doesn't like me though, and for no reason lol. I guess she's changed. I feel sorry for Andi. He probably deserves better, and there he is, loving someone who lies to him. I think maybe he knows...and at least he's mates with Martin again. That's the important thing. Still gets to me when they're together though, it's a reminder of how they fixed their friendship, and how I'm not worth the effort...*sigh* oh well...I feel different about Martin today. Detached but very in love. He looks different in my head aswell. More beautiful, godly, completely out of my league, but mine all the same It's funny...I hate the way I look, yet he thinks I'm gorgeous, I get beeped at all the time, stared at all the time when I walk down the street...and I always think people are taking the piss. I suppose, either way, I'm not letting it go to my head, which is good. I know I'm not that good looking. Especially my bottom half. I may have a nice-ish face...but my bum and thighs are extremely fat. They don't really match the rest of my body...which is a bit odd lol. Martin still has sex with me though, so it can't be that bad. He loves me that's all that matters to him I suppose, not whether I'm a big tub of lard from the hips down...It's so unfair aswell, I have a tiny waist, great boobs, good arms, alright stomach, then these big inflated balloons as bum and legs. Not fair. And my knees...*bleh* how chubby do they want to be lol. I should kind of be ashamed to walk around with them on show! It's nice that he loves me though...and he *really* does. No lies. No cheats. No mind-games. Just love. I don't know whether it's as deep for him as it is for me, whether it's as real...but I hope it is. I wish he had the same ability as me to convey how I feel in words...he says he'll prove it one day, he'll show me how he feels...like on the day he proposes to me. If he asked me now I'd say yes lol, obviously not to get married anytime soon...but just as a promise...just as a reminder of our future plans...of our promise to love each other always. I'd love a promise ring from him...that would just make me so happy...especially if he wore one lol. Even if it was on his right hand...just a little band to show that he's proud to be mine and that I'm proud to be his.He is truly wonderful. Yeah, we do argue sometimes over really rubbish stuff...and ooh...the other day...he said something that really kinda got to me...but I pretended it didn't...when he accused me jokily about checking out this random guy...I said, as a test, that he probably does it, and he said he tries his hardest not to...which means that he finds other women attractive! Argh lol. And that he thinks about them in a sexual way, wants them, and thinks they're better looking than me. Which is hard to deal with I think...for me...I may look at a guy and think, he's got a nice face, I wonder what he's like as a person, but I don't fantasise, I don't "check him out". Just looking really. I like to look at people. I like figuring out what type of person they might be just be noticing the little things about them. I certainly do not think of any other guys in the way I think about Martin...Nobody compares, nobody is sexy like is, and I don't fancy anybody but him. Yeah, I get chuffed if a alright looking guy smiles at me, or stares at me...but that's just because it's nice to know that if Martin suddenly didn't want me anymore, I'm not completely repellant to other people. And grrr...on his Myspace.com account, he's "friends" with this guy who's running a competition for the sexiest woman on myspace. And it's full of pictures of beautiful women in their underwear in sexy poses. Just knowing that he's looked through all them...had sexual thoughts about them...is a little...bleh. Especially since I look so bad in my underwear...completely...meh. I'm not beautiful. They are. I'm not sexy. They are. He's a guy. That's what he desires. I'm not....well, okay...I am...but I'm not them. I won't ever look like them, and he'll always want people like them. At least in my head...or is he just looking? I dunno. I don't see why he adds all those scantily clad women as friends in the first place? Does he browse for girls in their underwear then adds them? He's got loads. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? And why do I care...Maybe I should care, maybe I shouldn't...I'm not sure. Oh well...My fingers are hurting...from all this super-speed typing I'm doing. I'm gonna go. I may post again later because I'm boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooored. *sigh* I love Martin, I hope he loves me the same way. |
| I'm not worth being friends with apparently lol. Tried talking to Gem, and Joe did aswell...but apparently I tried to ruin things between her and Andi at Download and that she's not bothered that we're not friends...so...that's nice. I really missed her aswell. I need a girly friend again...I mean I've got my lad best mates...but tis not the same. She's such a cow...why has she changed? Why does she lie...and why doesn't she like me :-S Most importantly, why do I care lol. Why can't I just accept that she does not want to be my friend because she's not a nice person. I was really upset when Nadine hated me too...I found that really hard to deal with for ages. I guess that means it ain't too bad and that it's not because it's Gemma...it's the loss of a good friend that hurts. And it hurts that I'm always abandoned...that nobody ever really likes me, and that I'm always going to get ditched...for seemingly, no reason. Is it just because all girls are evil? Or because those particular girls are evil? Or is it me Am I a bad friend, even though I try my best to keep them happy and make sure they're okay and try to be there for them? *sigh* I need to get over it. I really hate not speaking to people. And the fact she's fucking mates with Kirsty again really winds me up. That's it though. Though it's pretty hard when Martin talks about Gem quite a lot because of Andi, and she's always going to be around. I can't disconnect from her, she's always going to be mentioned. At least with Nadine, I didn't have to hear about her on a constant basis. At least Andi doesn't hate me. He says we're going to go out, without Gem haha. I fancy telling her that. And I think it's funny that she blames me for making things hard with Andi...when really, it isn't my fault that she lied to him lol. Somebody help meeeeeee. I need to get over it. I need to forget her and move on. Friendships...why do they always end badly? Apart from with Charl and Joe. Meh.... |
| Odd Day. I didn't sleep a wink last night. There was loadsa drama when Martin was out with them lot. A mate was being a dick and starting on everyone, especially Martin. Lots of fighting. Then I kept being so nasty to him on the phone at like 12am...(I'd been in bed since half 10, and still hadn't been able to sleep.) then I felt bad...sent a stupid text about how he should dump me lol :-S and then sent another one saying sorry properly, then I phoned him...because I was worried...and...was like 3am before I finally drifted off. Had to get up at half 7 I'm absolutely shattered. Don't feel that bad really, I've felt worse when I'm tired, maybe it'll catch up with me tomorrow. I was really oversensitive though. I got told off by a teacher *which was all very silly and not going to get into because I'm right*, and I went off crying...lol. Went to see Martin and was pure down...for no reason...but I was okay when I got home, and then I went out for a pizza with him tonight, and I was very happy and rather hyper. Feel a bit *sigh* kinda tired at the moment though. Very weird day. I miss him...An hour and a half wasn't long enough tonight...I didn't even get a proper kiss...though I love kissing him even without tongues. I never thought it was possible to have sensual kisses without using your tongue...but when he catches my lips in a hungry kiss, slightly sucking on my bottom lip...it's just amazing. I love kissing him. I love the way he's sometimes really forceful, I just feel so loved and wanted and kissable Hmm....I should go to bed soon I'm a little sleepy... |
| Well...Friday night was fun. The night was only dampered when Martin got upset about his mum again, saying it was his fault that she died, that he could have done more for her, went to see her in hospital some more. It was horrible...all the things he told me...all the things he said about hating himself, that he didn't deserve to live...I just hated hearing it. He didn't remember in the morning either. Maybe I shouldn't have told him...but I just couldn't go walking around pretending I was fine, when all the things he'd said were tearing me up inside...I was worried about him, and I couldn't carry it all knowing that was how he felt. Felt really silly yesterday night though...I wrote him a massive, massive email about it all and how I felt...and he kinda said nothing...said it was fine, was good to know how I felt etc...I was expecting a little bit more. I don't know exactly what more...just...I dunno...something. I put my heart into it, my entire soul was in that email...and all he said was "ok" basically...I can bring tears to his eyes with a text message...yet I can't rouse a small smile at the most heart-filled email of my life... I want to go with him to see his mum's memorial bench, tie some flowers to it, clean it if need be...I don't think he's ever been since she died...at least he hasn't mentioned it...And his sister...she's 15, she hardly speaks, yet I can see the pain, the hardships, how much she's struggling with the life of a teenager, pretty much on her own. Girls need a mum around. Yeah, she's got Linda...but...I dunno, I can't see Linda being too sensitive about things. I kinda wanna help Carolyn myself, I wanna be there for her. But it's none of my business I suppose...Can't go forcing myself on their lives lol...just gotta make sure Martin's happy... He's out with Andi tonight...Which means, Andi and Gemma. Which annoys the fuck outta me. Yeah, Martin said that Andi told him that me, him and Andi should all go out (no mention of Gemma), but that's just code for, "do not invite Nicola tonight, please, because me and Gemma don't like her." At least in my head. It annoys me that once we were all able to go out together, and because of one person's lies...one person's pride, it's all gone...and I'm not included. It's like there's a unsaid rule that if someone elses g/f's are going, then all g/f's should go. I think. Especially when it's her, what she's done to me, the thousand times she's hurt me, used me, betrayed me...and it's like she's getting one up over me. I'm not invited because I'm the "reject", and she's the wonderful one...If you know what I mean...Should I react like this? Should I feel envy, jealousy...should I feel anything at all? I'm not sure...I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to be okay with him out with her...I really need to start going out with other mates again. I guess he's gonna feel like this for the week I'm in Spain. I won't try and rub anything in...I'm just going to be honest, tell him I'm having a great time, that I miss him and that I hope he's okay...he said he was coming to meet me at the airport when I get in...he said he might cry lol. Too bad that I come in at midnight...I would have liked to see his reaction to my homecoming lol. Meh. I miss him. I don't think I'll text him...just to be awkward *sigh*, not that that will get me anywhere at all...he can't reply anyway, so there's no point in texting him. He's gonna text when he's home, but that won't be till like half 11 and I'm going to be wrapped up in bed asleep...hopefully...if I was in a really bad mood I'd just turn my phone off so there's no chance of me waking up to reply to him...but I'm not...I might even put my phone so that it'll ring when he texts...because I miss him... He also said loadsa shit about his ex on Friday...about how he still feels for her, and that he can't feel properly for me because of it...I told him that...and he said it was complete and utter rubbish...I dunno...I still feel weird about it all. I want to see him when he's not tired and hungover...so that he can look into my eyes and tell me that I'm the only one in his heart. *sigh*. Why oh why. Can't I just think normal for a change? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. |
| Hurm. Last night me and Martin argued about clothes for like half an hour on the phone. Very pathetic. I only said that I didn't have any clothes to wear tonight. And in girl speak, that means, "it's going to take me a while to find some clothes". He proper kicked off...not in like an angry way, but I knew he was frustrated and disappointed in me. For not having any clothes. He thought I was going to bloody cancel. I've been looking forward to going out with him tonight for ages. I think I might have some clothes sorted now anyway...but it was so silly, arguing over clothes. I really got worried. If that's what our relationship has been reduced to, arguing about clothes...*sigh*. I probably was over-sensitive and he was acting like a penis-head...but we were both very tired (he says he wasn't)...but I dunno. I'm going to go out tonight, wear something that I look nice in, and I'm going to get very drunk and have a good time. Then I'm going to crawl around on saturday morning as I try and get to work. It's going to be fun Hopefully. I miss him...I just want him to kiss me and tell me that everything is ok. I wish I didn't have to stay in school till 12.30pm...doing shit stuff in shit lessons. I mean, Spanish is okay...but I can't really do the work in the lesson 'cause I need the internet and stuff...so I'll only be there a few minutes...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I dunno...I feel a bit shitty...very tired...very worried...I don't know when I'm going to be able to get ready...meeting Martin after school...going shopping...going back to mine because I have a driving lesson...then going to his...so...I don't really have anywhere to get ready :S can't really get ready at his, because I need my stuff, and can't get ready at mine, 'cause we have to be at his for a certain time :-S Eek...am probably thinking about it way too much. Just need to enjoy it I suppose....*sigh*. |
| Well...I've just spent that last lesson playing "Just A Minute" which is a game where you have to talk about a subject that somebody else gives you for a minute. I won Was quite fun really...The subject of "Nicola" (Me) came up...and I had to talk about myself...made me start thinking...who am I? I'm a 17 year old girl. I like writing, singing, music, Buffy, chocolate, cheese, Martin, my family, my friends...I dislike Gemma, nasty people, people who lie, cheat, steal....all evil people I don't like really...I'm not very religious, I pray to the Wiccan Spirit every day, but I don't do any rites. However, I read in a Wicca book that I can worship Spirit however I like. I like to pray to Spirit and ask it for advice and guidance, and thank it for all that I have...I really don't like the Catholic church...I think it is manipulative, sexist, and it could be good...it could really be the light for some people, but I think it was changed. Some not very nice people took over it many years ago and changed the world as we know it, and not for the good. We cannot force religion on anybody, we can only believe in what we believe in...And belief...to me, it's like hope...I think we should all have some kind of hope. Whether it's a registered sort of hope, or the private hope where we might pray to our guardian angel, or talk to our conscience to try and help us...it's all kinda hope...I think anyway. What else about me...My parents are divorced, my dad remarried without telling me...they have two children, Alex (5) and Matthew (1), who are gorgeous. His wife is a maniac. Nice sometimes, but gives my dad a curfew...he's 45! My mum has been seeing her partner Alan for like 7 years...I think...and he's cool, does a lot for us. Can't imagine life without him really, so I hope they stay together forever. I want to do psychology at University...I'm sick of people trying to get me to move away...I want to go to Newcastle Uni, as it's a great uni, and in the city I live in after that degree I want to do a Masters...I'm not sure what in, but in the end result, I want to be doing counselling or private therapy...I want to listen to people, I want to help, and I want to make a difference. That has always been my dream. I like school, I love learning...my school's alright...used to be a bit of a dictatorship, but it's ok at the moment...my teachers are great, some of them aren't the best at their job, but they really care. I love drama, performing is something that will always run through my veins...hopefully...everyone's going to do that at college next year...but I dunno...as much as I love it...I don't think that's what I've got to do in life. There are people who are made for performing...and I think I'm made for something else. I'm going to help people in a different way I don't think I'll ever give up drama though, or singing...I love it far too much, but I'd rather keep it as a hobby I think...though I would love recognition...I'm learning Spanish, and I love that, though it's really hard...and I'm the only one in the class lol. I'm predicted all A's at A-level, but I'm not sure I'll get it...I got A's in my psychology modules...but I really don't think I'll be getting A's when I get my results in August. I work at a bank called Northern Rock on Saturdays, where my Dad is a big boss...and I love it in my department. The people are fantastic, I've made some good friends...I hope anyway...Will be weird when we all go our separate ways... I've always been too "mature" for my age, been called two-faced, been told to grow up...but I honestly, hand on heart, try my best...I'm not perfect. I take things for granted sometimes, but I do appreciate things too. I appreciate that I'm in good health, that most of the people I love are in good health too, that I have people to love, people who love me, friends, family, I have talents and gifts, I'm gifted at school, I get good grades. My parents are always there for me. My sister Katie, she's a bit evil...but I love her all the same. She's cool most of the time... What else can I say about myself? I think by most people I'm misunderstood...people think I'm bitchy, snobby....I'm not...I don't mean to be bitchy, I know I bitch about people, but I don't mean it in that way...I just like to get things off my chest, and people take it the wrong way. I always kinda thought of myself as a good person, I hope I still am. I'm not very nice to the people I sit with at school...granted I don't really like most of them, part from Joe and Stuey, but I probably should make the effort to be nicer to them. I love Martin...he's a dream. He treats me like I always hoped I'd be treated. I've been hurt a lot. Things to do with the heart never seem to go my way, I've made a lot mistakes. I have a lot of regrets, but I have to deal with them, accept them, and learn from them. I've had 2 other serious boyfriends...one, was a complete dick, and I deserved better, but I had no self confidence, I hated myself, I still do I suppose...Probably why I'm moaning about myself. The other...I'd always had a crush on...thought he was kinda...I dunno...that person who I'd never really get over, would always be with in a way...but he's not even in my heart anymore. I thought he would be...I guess it's because of Martin. He's pushed up the boundaries to what love's supposed to be. He's everything my exes weren't, and more...I've never clicked more with anybody...I know I'm not very nice to him either...not all the time anyway...and I know it's mostly my hormones or I'm overtired...but he deserves better. He's been hurt a lot, people have taken advantage of him, and I guess I think it's my job, if I don't have him forever...to make him see that he's worth it...that he's special and that he deserves the world, and that he has the world at his feet. He's going to go far if he just keeps it up...he's a gorgeous person...not perfect either, but nobody really is. I think he's just perfect for me I've been writing for a long time...and I feel quite down...so I'm going to do some work instead. Catch you later alligators |
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