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I'm always confused or worrying about something, and here I let it all out. |
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I'm eighteen. I'm constantly unsure of who I am, where I'm going, and what I want. Here I try and help myself, and you, to understand why that might be...or whether I just think about things far too much. |
| I have about 2 seconds to write something...but just wanted to let everybody know how stressed I am...aarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I haven't revised enough. I don't know the material. I've done not nearly enough work. I will not get the grades I need with these exams. And yes...have to be positive, I know..but it's so hard  all I wanna do is see the b/f...and that's wrong. I'll have all the time in the world after my exams to see him. He's just so addictive, he's all I want, all I crave. Not even chocolate compares to him. And that's something lol. I've just sat here for half hour doing nothing when I could have been studying, instead I was waiting for an email from him. Grrr...I can resit...but that's gonna be rock, since I'll have new exams to do at A2. What me gonna do :-S I don't know what I want to be either...I used to want to be a therapist, to counsel people...now I'm swinging towards the singing/acting/performing side of things, but is that ever going to be a stable job?? And my friends...I'm not really very nice to them, and why? I'm not too sure...I guess, 'cause they're not who I want to be hanging round with, I wanna be with Martin lol. And Gemma...I'm confused about her. We got really close lately, and as soon as her and Andi have had some troubles, we've drifted apart. And it's like all the time I do talk to her, she has to convince herself that Andi's nice, "Oh isn't he lovely, isn't he gorgeous, isn't he just the nicest b/f, isn't he sweet." And I think to myself...urm...he's a nice guy, but he makes you cry...hey that rhymes lol. It just seems like she tells me this to make herself feel better, and maybe to make her relationship seem better than mine. Gemma's always liked to boast, but it's like this time, she doesn't win. Yeah, I don't go on and on about how lovely Martin is to her, and that's because I don't feel the need to...if he does something extremely sweet, I'll tell her. Like the other day, an alarm went off on my phone, and he'd set it to say "I love you" at various times. Was very cute. I dunno...me and Martin have a great relationship..I think anyway. And granted, we've not been going out as long as Gemma and Andi have, but we communicate really well, also granted, we haven't had the big first argument that always occurs at about 2 months into a relationship...but I think we'll manage, and maybe we'll not even really have one. I can't see that he'll do anything to upset me, I usually just upset myself lol. Grrr... Oh well...I have to go...I'll probably write something a bit more substantial, and interesting...Hopefully lol. Not that anyone's ever commented on this anyway...Am I that boring :-S ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I feel....strange. Bewildered. Lost. About a few things to be honest...but I don't know...just feel...odd lol. Ah, how often do I use elipsis as little thinking points lol. Grr...I have to think about going to uni. My parents seem to want me to move away so that I can go to the best university possible. And now I don't know what to do...I guess I know I have to think about my future, and can't just pick a course that I'll enjoy without thinking about afterwards...just I really love drama. The buzz I get when I'm performing, or learning about performing is just so unlike any feeling in the world. Pure, unhindered adrenaline for what you're doing, the rush of knowing you're having an affect on your audience...it's just amazing. And I want to keep feeling like that. I don't know how I'd get to do that though, whether I'm actually good enough, and whether there'd ever be any room for me in the acting world. But it's what I love. I love performing. I'd love to be able to sing and perform well at the same time...I love singing, I really do...but I get nervous, really nervous...plus I haven't sung in front of a proper audience for yonks...oh well... What me going to do Meh, and I love Martin too much. |
| Life is good. I may have exams...and I probably should have been revising a little more...but life is good. Life is very good. As long as Martin sticks around, life will hopefully stay good. He is unlike any guy I've ever met. He's just so kind, thoughtful, and unafraid of telling me how he really feels, there are no mind games. And he loves me. When he says it, I know he means it. I truly believe he loves me. And I love him...love him with every fibre of my being, every inch of me is constantly reaching out, yearning to catch a glimpse of him, to touch him even for just a second. As I told him previously, he's like a shining light. Corny as it sounds, and yes, I know it is lol, whenever he's around...everything else that's bad, exams, parents, friends, arguments, jam, it disappears. Then, all that's left is us. I also know that I matter, I am important...and this is something completely unknown to me. I'm not used to meaning something to someone... Yes, this is all very mushy...but love like this is hard to find...again, I'm probably being presumptuous, a little naive and quick to jump on stuff, since we've not been seeing long...but I don't think many other people are as happy as we are. I don't know any girl who has a b/f as thoughtful and completely amazing as I do. I'm extremely lucky  And it feels different...how I feel about him...it really does feel different. And we mesh so well...we're like a Galaxy Ripple and Walkers Cheese and Onion Crisps...lush lol. Seriously, really just mesh well...God I'm rambling...I'm sick of rambling. He must be so frustrated at the fact I don't talk about much else except how wonderful he is, and how much I love him. Meh...somebody help me lol. How do you love someone...without wanting to be with them all the time, wanting to even just hear their voice, or get an email...anything...just so you know they're okay. And I'm also sick of being all obsessivey...'cause I feel like I am, 'cause it's always me writing the random emails saying I miss him...Hurm... I miss him lol. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Heylo again Hey, second post in a week lol. I dunno...am feeling a little meh. I don't know whether it's because I'm so friggin' tired, or because there's something wrong. I guess, if I couldn't blame it on the fact I feel like I haven't slept in weeks, I could blame it on the fact I've got exams coming up...and I'm not doing enough work. And the reason I'm not, is because I'm falling head over heels with Martin. I don't care if it's not been that long, I know how I feel and I feel love. Maybe I'm not in love with him yet, but I do love him, it's definitely more than like. He's just so amazing, so funny and kind, and he likes me God, I really like him...it's just not right...I shouldn't like someone this much after like three weeks :-S it should be physically impossible. I don't usually feel like this with people I've been seeing for like 2 months...especially with someone I've only recently met. Granted, most of the people I've been going out with, I knew them really well beforehand, but maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it shows that Martin's really kinda special. I'd marry him lol. *sigh* young love, eh? Young love... But yes. Very tired. Doing not enough work. I bet I fail my exams eek. I guess I can resit...maybe I'll be wiser then anyway, but who knows. I know I've got to keep pushing myself, but I just don't have the energy. I feel like all I'm doing is catching up, why can't I just be on top of things for once??? I want to be living life...not catching up with it. And I know I'm not very organised, and I do try and please everyone before myself. *sigh* I have to go, despite the fact I cannot be arsed AT ALL, I just wanna sit here spurting out the confusing randomness that is spilling out the ends of my fingers. But drama awaits. Take care all. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Well...the last boyfriend...the one that I really, really loved...he treated me just like I hoped he wouldn't, cheating on me at some party with some girl. Some ugly girl aswell, guess that just shows a little bit of how much he thought of me. I could make up excuses for him, for why he did it, but I know I'll always blame myself. It's somehow my fault, I did something wrong, it's not because he's just fucked up. And even if I could blame him, I still fell for it. I still fell for the lies, fell for the fact he said he loved me, when he obviously didn't. And it hurt. A lot. I seriously didn't eat for about two weeks lol, I had bits of toast here and there, but nothing substantial. And hey, I got happy at that fact, because I did lose weight, and I was proud...and that's not good. To be proud of not eating. Wasn't good. But then...I moaned to my friend Gemma, "Find me a boyfrieeeeeeend." And she introduced me to her boyfriend's friend Martin, and he seemed really nice, talked to him on the internet. Then I arranged to meet him. And I fell for him. I'd seen photos, but when he came around the corner to meet me, my jaw dropped. We seemed to get on pretty well, and as the night went on, and more alcohol was consumed, we both confessed that we liked eachother, and kissing and hand holding ensued. He's amazing. I don't actually think he's a twat in any way. Like with Carl, unfixable emotional problems, Robbie, unfixable committment problems. Martin...I don't actually think he's fucked up. Maybe he is...but he's not a twat about it. And he is a good boyfriend, maybe too good in a way...but he really cares about me, and I do come first. I'm used to drama, to being hurt and being made cry...I know he's the best thing to happen to me, I deserve to be with someone who will treat me right. And I know he will. When he walks away from me, it physically hurts. Especially when he looks back round and waves or blows me a kiss...it just hurts. Even when he goes offline, I really, really miss him and I get on a real downer about it. It's quite sad lol. And the way I feel about him...there isn't a word...because I don't just like him, it's more than that...but to say that I loved him? That would be a bit presumptuous after two weeks lol. So, there isn't a word to explain it. It's somewhere inbetween. If anybody knows that inbetweeny word...tell me... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| It's very late. Well....not particularly, but it's almost 12am, which would then make it the 30th, so I'd better hurry up and write... I feel a bit *meh*. My boyfriend is odd, he has a funny way of showing me he loves me, and likes to cuddle up and whisper to girls he's just met (when I'm there), just to be friendly. Well...to me, that sounds a bit *too* friendly. Which I've said to him, and he was worried I was going to finish with him, but I won't...unless he keeps doing it...which is mean. I'm very, very tired. My right nostril is pretty runny, and the kleenex tissues I've been using have made my nose very red and sore - despite their seemingly soft and moisturised texture. I hate being ill. You can't taste, you can't smell, and worst of all, you can't really think very well. Or maybe I think too much...I don't know which. Is it that hard to ask for a boyfriend who doesn't flirt with other girls while you're there? Maybe it is...it's happened to me twice now...First with Carl...terrible boyfriend...though I feel I'm only really angry at him for hurting me, not because he was that bad a guy. I moan to people about how horrible he was to me, and that's true, for the most part he really, *really* was. He used to call me names like "thunder thighs", which has probably fueled my self-hatred of my body a little more. Robert says I'm beautiful and very sexy and wouldn't change any part of me...but I'm desperate to feel beautiful and sexy. So...I bought myself a work-out dvd. I've done it twice now, with many pulled muscles incurred might I add, but hopefully I'll feel the benefits soon. I want to try and exercise at least three times a week. This is because I've tried the eating healthy thing. That's pants. I can't eat less because I just get far too hungry...so, if I simply exercise, I should at least get somewhere. As long as I exercise every couple of days for the rest of my life lol. But then, I suppose, how does anybody stay fit and healthy, if not through persisted exercise.... What a boring first "blog" this must be... I really do love him. I do. And I've fancied him for about four years straight. There's some times when I feel I could burst at his amazingness, and there's other times I wish he could change his ways. He used to be a bit of a slag, drunken one night stands, cheating on his girlfriends...but he changed a few months back...and I've always felt he'd never be that way with me, that I was special. But who's to say I actually am special to him? He's the type of person where you can never really tell if he's being serious or not. He's the type of person where you ask yourself whether that is just a line, or he really means it. He's got such a good heart, but it's been tainted by the influence of some icky people, and I feel sorry for him. It's not his fault he did the things he did, he was basically pressured into them. Or that's the way it seems...I'm really scared of getting hurt. I'm not the most beautiful girl in the world, or the nicest or the funniest. So, what goes to say that he won't find somebody more beautiful, nicer or funnier than me? Maybe he will, but maybe it doesn't matter, I don't know...I should believe him when he says I'm the only one for him. I really should. I should have faith in myself, faith that I'm good enough to be loved and to stay with. Most of the time I really don't feel worthy. Most of the time I never really feel like a person. I just feel like a shell, like I've lost a huge chunk of me and I'm trying to survive with the remains. Maybe Carl took that chunk with him. And maybe it's Robert's turn to fill that hole back in. I want to like myself, but I don't like the way I look, the things I say, the things I do. I say some really stupid things, and do some even stupider things. Why can't I be confident?!? I can walk into a room and feel okay with myself, I don't worry that everyone's looking at me with disgust. But...I don't have the confidence in myself to believe that Robert won't cheat, or that he does love me. I seriously don't feel like I'm loveable sometimes. My best friend Joe says I'm being silly. It's very, very possible that I am. I think too much. I over-analyse. It's probably because I can't do things by halves. I have to either do it, or not do it. This makes me sometimes afraid of making the big decisions, what if it's the wrong one etc. There's so much I want out of life, and yet it seems life is running away without me. I can't keep up with it. I feel like I'm constantly just tryin got catch up, to regain what I've lost, and never gaining anything new. I feel very, very pressured aswell to succeed. I don't like to disappoint my parents, or the teachers I suppose. I've always done well. And yet I know there'll be a time when I won't, and I will disappoint. I try my best though, I always do, but I'm afraid that one day that simply won't be enough. I wish I had the answers, but doesn't everybody? I want to feel *sure* of something. I want to feel confident, pretty, clever, nice...I want to feel like I'm successful too, and like I deserve that success. God...it's after 12 now, happy 30th of January lol. Buenos noches. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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