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 |  I write, therefore I am |
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I write, therefore I am. I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough. PLUGS:
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| The store closes it's doors today and I am torn. With all the problems I've had with the new manager there, you would think I would be glad to see the job go away so I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. Yet part of me is sad. It's funny, you hate a job until it's gone, then it becomes the best place you ever worked. Anywho I was able to by a MLA writing handbook for a crisp clean 1 dollar bill. Woot for me. lol. It was one of the books that could not be returned so it went down to 1 dollar. I was told by fellow employees who are goingto school that the book is greatly needed and I was threatened with being kneecapped if I didn't buy it. Well I think that is all I have to say for now. Short but sweet, unlike myself which is tall but sour. Sorry for the lame, joke not feeling well and I am nothing if not the master of lame jokes. Go see Children of Men and Pan's Labrynth. You still here? I said go!! Quote; Yes she is. See, I'm the first one to go to college in my family and when I left she said, "Weensie, if you screw this up, I'll kill you." She showed me the knife. Weensie (Jarod Mixon) - Old School |
| I am working on the paperwokrs needed for student loans as well as applying to school. I say school, because the word college, coming out of my mouth just seems to funny sounding. Because of my problems I meandered my way through high school, never thinking that my education would go any further. Now that I am thinking about it, part of me finds it strange. A few months ago I was talking with my mother, abut how things have changed since '89 when I graduated high school. Then with just a high school diploma you could get a decent job, now some eighteen years later, damn I feel old now, if you do not have a college degree you can't get a decent paying job. That was another deciding factor in my attempt to further my education. As for what I will study? I think it is obvious, creative writing and maybe minor in screenplays writing, or something to do with movies. I mean I might as well take my two loves and try to get something more out of them. Right? I said right? That is as far as I have gotten so far with my school plans. I'm kind of nervous about it. Quote; We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play *goes on* and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be? John Keating (Robin Williams) - Dead Poet's Society |
| My back is starting to hurt once again. It feels as if the World is resting on my shoulders. I can barely stomach the weight. It seems that everytime I begin to grow accustomed to the way my life is playing out, something happens and I am right back where I started. Because what goes around, comes back again. The store that I work at informed us two days before Christmas that we would be closing within the next thirty days. We were given the oppurtunity to apply to another location. My manager took it upon herself not to recommend me for the job. So after the 25 of this month I will be unemployed. After telling me that she would not recommend me for the transfer she says to me, "Look at the bright side, the company isn't going to fight any unemployment claims and you will be given a month severance." I think the silver lining of her cloud is a bit tarnished. Everytime it seems that my life is gaining a semblance of comfort, I am knocked spinning and screaming to the beginning. I was talking with a friend of mine and he brought up the prospect of going back to school. I told him that the only way I would entertain going to school would be if I could go full time and not have to work a job. I would want to focus all my energy on study. He says that with student loans I would be able to. He said that he gets enough money from his student loans to cover tuition, books, and everything that is needed, and in the end he has 5000 left over for living expenses and what not. So I think that is what I will do. I'm going to try and go back to school. I figure the one way to stop the merry-go-round from coming back around is to get off of it and try something new. Quote; You shall no longer take things at second or third hand, not look through the eyes of the dead, nor feed on the spectres in books. You shall not look through my eyes either, nor take things from me, you shall listen to all sides and filter them from yourself. Simon Wilder (Joe Pesci) - With Honors |
| No matter how hard I try. How hard I plead with my mind and heart to let her go, they will not. Some days it's harder than others. Any given day I will see a young lady and something about her face reminds me of the Lady Dee. Something in their voice, their smile, the sparkle in their eyes, the way they walk. I catch myself doing a double take, to look at them again because for an instant my mind is fooled. In that second I see her and my heart aches. If God was to come to me tomorrow and offer to give me my hearts greatest desire, it would be for her to be by my side. Nothing else would matter. Nothing. How sad is that? Quote; I know what's in store for me. No one will ever have passion for me. People all around me will be falling in love, and making love, and getting married and having kids. The closest thing I'll ever have to that is someone inviting me to their Christmas dinner because they feel guilty I might be spending the holiday alone. Or if I'm lucky, my male counterpart, an obese man or guy with a harelip, will invite me to coffee; and we'll pretend to love each other and tie the knot because we're so desperately afraid of growing old alone. Dora (Marissa Ribisi) - 100 Girls |
| And they do. They tell us lies. From the very begining, they lie to us to make us comfortable. The problem is that I am a realist. I see through the lies, even when I tell them to myself. I hate the lies. Things will get better. Oh yeah, when? I'm tired of waiting. Things have been bad for so long, I don't think I would recognize better. You will find someone when you are not looking. Really? I haven't been looking, where is my princess charming? I want to be swept off my feet too. There is someone out there for everyone. Truly? Well then where is my someone? Are they in hiding? I hate all the lies. I'll love you forever. I'll always be right here. I'm not going anywhere. I just want you to hold me. You're a handsome man and will make someone very happy some day. I just want to be friend. Sure, I'll call. Neverland is second star to the right and on til morning. You know this all seemed so much more profound when it floated around my head earlier. Now that I sit here most of what I wanted to say is gone. Drifted away with the tumbling tumbleweeds of my mind. Anyway I sit here alone as always and there are moments when I revel in the solitude. I can do what I want, when I want. If I want to stay up til the wee hours of the morning and play games, I can. If I want to sleep with the fan on in the middle of the winter I can. The only problem with being alone, is that you are, well alone. It's now that I miss another. When it is late at night, a bit of a nip in the air, and I am ready for bed. It's now that I know when I climb into bed to sleep I will miss the warmth of another. I will have no one to cuddle up with, snuggle, comfort, and sleep safe and sound knowing that I am protecting and protected. I miss getting warm the old fashioned way. Sometimes I want to pack up everything I own, head out into the sunrise and just wander until I don't want to wander anymore. Where would I end up I ponder. Would I find what I am missing somewhere else? Would I end up somewhen else? Lost in a time long ago past? My mind it works in mysterious ways. Some people claim to like reading these posts because of the unique view I bring to my world, a different spin at the humor of my world. I don't think it is unique. I think it is mysterious and confusing. Many times I am lost in the waves of creshendoing thoughts that crash down upon eachother, over and over drowning out previous thoughts, replacing them with something more trivial and confusing. Quote; You know, walk the earth, meet people... get into adventures. Like Caine from "Kung Fu." Jules (Samuel Jackson) - Pulp Fiction |
| I would swear that I am sleeping, yet I hear him in the corner of the room chanting in his irritating voice. I'm afraid to open my eyes, because I don't want to see him. "Um da bum da dumdy yah. Bum da bumdy dumpa can of crisco." he says. Of course I ask him, "Is that Latin?" "No it's giberish," He says shaking his head. I open my eyes and there he sits with a notepad in one hand and the nub of a pencil in the others. His bulbous balding head looks abit lopsided in the light. Hair stands on either side of his head sprouting off into conical tufts. His nose is colored a blistering red, like that of an alchoholic. He is wearing a pair of gold rimmed glasses above his nose that is supposed to give him an air of intellegence, instead it makes him look silly. "What are you doing here?" I ask. "They said that you needed to talk to a psychologistic type guy." he says as he pushes up the glasses on his nose. "You mean a Psychiatrist. And who is they?" "Them. They. Those." he laughs. "You don't know who, do you?" "Why it was you. It's always you. My you are such the silly. You called me once before for the excercising." "Excorcism." He waves his hands around his head, "Yeah whatever. Don't you see. I am the voice inside your head. You know you can't afford a psychologistic type to visit, so I am the next best thing." "I don't think so," I say shaking my head, "I'm going back to sleep." "Oh no your not. There is something inside that needs to find it's way out. Bottling it up is doing you no good. There is some reason you called for me again. What is it?" "Nothing." I lay back in bead and throw the covers over my face. He smacks me on the forehead with his notepad, and before I can remove the covers he is back in his seat. "Oh no. You have talking to do buddy, so get talking. This is what you want. Why else would you change the name of your BLOG to On the Couch with Solitary Man? This is what you want, what you need. So talk." Perhaps he is write, the little voice inside my head. Maybe I do have something to say. Maybe I do need to see a psychiatrist. Maybe this will have to do. It's funny how words, no matter how small or unintentioned can affect you. One of the cute little ladies that I work with said to me the other day, "I wish I could see the world through you eyes for just one day". Those few little words almost stopped me in my tracks. I don't know why but they deeply affected me. All I could think of is why would you want to see the world through my eyes; my sad, lonely and angry eyes. Sometimes I hate what my life is and what it has become. There are big parts of me that long for companionship. That ache for the touch of another. There are big parts of me that cry out for love. Just like that are parts of me that want to scream out with anger and what could have been. I am told that I should go out to meet some available young ladies, but that is not what I am. I rarely if ever drink anymore, I had enough of that when I was younger. That is also not what I want. I don't want a party hound, looking for the next drunk, or next joint. I want something concrete. I want talk over making dinner. I want warm and holding while watching a movie. I want comfortable silence while we both read a book. I want to give backrubs, and baths. I want peace and completement. I don't know where things went wrong. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to the begininng and do it all over again, but I can't. It's not possible. There is no Butterfly Effect. There are no Morlocs. There is no Land that Time Forgot. There is just the present looking into the future. It's hard for me to approach anyone. I am very self conscious and scared of what people would think if I were to ask them out. I have seen the look of pity and disgust in the eyes of women. I am constantly told that I like you too, just not in that way. I see what I am when I look in the mirror. I am the monster that you have nightmares about. I am 6' 3" over 350 pounds. I am, unwanted and afraid. I am lonely and untouched. I am my own problem. Quote; Should I bolt every time I get that feeling in my gut when I meet someone new? Well, I've been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains. Rob Gordon (John Cusack) - High Fidelity |
| I stayed away for much of October. The shadows drifted in and as some of you know from last year, I really hate October. My ex-girlfriend was forced to get an abortion and the child was due in October. Even now some years later, October is always rough on me. My little girl would have been seventeen this year. Almost a graduate and heading off to college. I sit and think sometime if my little girl was here would I still be the same guy that I am today? Would I still be working a part time job, renting a room, content to barely scrape by? I'd like to think that I wouldn't be the me that I am now. I'd like to think that I would've been an adult and taken care of her. Part of me thinks that I wouldn't. The other part of me finds that really sad. Once again I sit here alone. I tried to work things out with my Angel and I was well on my way to doing just that. It was she that couldn't. For some reason she walked away claiming that she couldn't stand not being trusted. Now, I know that I said it would be hard to trust her again, but I never said that to her. I treated her just as I always had. I wanted to ask her where she had been, when she was coming back, who was she going someplace or the other with, but I didn't. After the way Kristina ripped my heart to shreds after cheating on me time and time again, it was very hard to trust my Angel, but I was working on it in my own private places, not around her. I just knew from past experience that cheat once cheat again. Sure she came to me and told me what happened and that is noble of her, but it doesn't change the fact that it happened and there is no way I could tell her not to see the guy again, I mean he is the Little Angel's father. Anyway I feel that I am rambling, much like always. She said she wanted some time and I gave it to her. No arguement, no hesitation. Wrong, right, don't matter. She asked for it, she got it, Toyota. I have dreamed of the Lady Dee alot the last week or so. I swear what I wouldn't give to hold her in my arms, smell deeply of her hair and tell her that I love her more than I life itself. If I was told that I could have one thing in the world, anything that I wanted. I think it would be for her to love me half as much as I love her. In my mind I still see the girl that I loved along time ago. Even when I see her looking a little older, still in my heart I always see the beautiful young girl that she was. Maybe that is the problem. I don't know. I'm not smart enough to figure it out. All I know is that she owns most of my heart, the problem is she doesn't want it. I ran into Kristina a week ago and I could see the look in her eyes that she still hates me. I smiled at her, my warmest smile and asked her how she was doing. She said fine and it was tinged with anger. I told her that I hope one day she will let the past go and forgive me my trespasses as I have forgiven hers. Life it too short to hate. We were young, and stupid. So here we go into another year. Another year that I hope I am still able to grow as I have this year. Another year alone looking to find the same contentment in someone else that I am finding in my own heart. Will it happen? I don't know. I'd like to think that it would. It's a shame to have so much love to give and to have no one wanting it. Well to all of you who have read this far, have a wonderful Holiday. Always, Me. |
| It's three feet high and rising..... It would seem that when it rains it doth pour. It has rained in my little world for so long that I would swear that there was no chance of myself seeing daylight again. It began to rain...... .....my angel told me that she had slept with her ex husband shortly after we began dating. She claimed that it was a moment of weakness. The clouds grew dark and I didn't know what else to do than to walk away to escape the coming storm. The rain fell in sheets.... .....My uncle Wayne passed away and while we were never close there would be no more story that he would passed to us that he was taught by the older members of the reservation where he was a pastor. It has been a long time since I have seen him or heard those stories and almost all of them have drifted away into the darkness of the past, but just knowing that there will be no more stories. It's kind of troubling. The wind picked up..... .....My cousin Joseph was struck by a car while he crossed a street. The lady that hit him drove away and was picked up later. He had to have metal rods placed in his leg and he had to have a skin graft on the leg as well. Talking to him makes me hate part of my family. He dropped out of school, just as his father did, and he lacks a good deal of intellegence because of it. He says things that have to be interprutted. Like he said that they were going to do an operation to take away the wound on his leg and put in new bones to fix his leg. Now if he was a young child that would be a little endearing, but he is twenty-four. It's just sad and makes me angry that someone would go through like living on the bring of ignorance. Then again maybe if you ain't too bright, you don't know any different. The rain began to blow sideways..... .....One of my older cousins suddenly died of a heart attach. He was in his mid fifties. He worked out in the yard with his wife doing a little gardening. They went inside for the night, had a nice dinner. He kissed her and said he was going to lay down to take a nap. Working in the yard had tired him out He passed away in his sleep. I guess that was a nice way to go. We weren't close since he was almost twenty years older than I am, but it bothered me that he passed away because I had dreamt of him just the night before he died. Suddenly the rain stops and for the slightest of moments there is calm peace in the world. The air is filled with a clean smell and I think that maybe, just maybe everything will be all right..... .......She came to see me, did my Angel. Standing in front of me on the porch I could see that it was hard for her to do so. I didn't know what to do. Part of me wanted to shut the door in her face and walk away. I know it took a lot for her to tell me what happened. My mind was running through all the bad things. It's happened once, it will happen again. Kris did the same thing, and she almost destroyed you. She can't be trusted. Part of me wanted to grab her in my arms and hold her tight to my chest and beg for her to never leave me. I wanted to hold her and never let her get away again. She smiled weakly and she spoke while I watched her through the screen door. My heart ached to see the pain in her eyes, to see that she was afraid of what I would do. Yet she showed strength again by showing up and my door and not waiting for me to show up at hers. I opened the door to let her in and she began crying as I pulled her close and hugged her. Quote: Sometimes it would stop raining long enough for the stars to come out... and then it was nice. It was like just before the sun goes to bed down on the bayou. There was always a million sparkles on the water... like that mountain lake. It was so clear, Jenny, it looked like there were two skies one on top of the other. And then in the desert, when the sun comes up, I couldn't tell where heaven stopped and the earth began. It's so beautiful. Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks) - Forrest Gump |
| Almost a year to the day that my Uncle Buck passed away, my Uncle Wayne has died. He died from congestive heartfailure brought on by diabetes and a few other ailments. Wayne was my half-uncle; his father, my grandfather was half Indian and his mother was full indian. Wayne grew up to become a pastor on a reservation in the Dakotas. When he became ill within the last few years he moved to Florida. I remember Wayne coming around when I was younger and he was bigger than life. He wore torqouise jewelry and a large black hat with a beaded hatband. He spent most of his teenage and adult years working on the reservation and trying to help the people of the reservation escape poverty through teaching them religion and trying to further their education. As were his wishes, his body was cremated and he has been sent home to his reservation for his ashes to be released during a special ceremony. Quote: I was just thinking that of all the trails in this life there is one that matters most. It is the trail of a true human being. I think you are on this trail and it is good to see. Kicking Bird (Graham Greene) - Dances with Wolves |
| or, How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Other Shoe. Did it have to happen, I wonder? By waiting for the other shoe to drop, did I make it happen? I don't know, I really don't know. My Angel called and said that she wanted to see me. So I went to visit here. When I arrived I found her alone, the little Angel was visiting with friends. My Angel was dressed rather sexily and there was a nice dinner, the dining area was lit with candles. She was amazing looking. We sat down to have dinner and as I ate I noticed that she was not eating. I asked her about it and she just said that she wasn't real hungry she had nibbled while she cooked. Something about what she said didn't sound all truthful, so I watched her for a minute. She looked away and her eyes welled up with tears. Indeed she did have something she wanted to say. She was afraid to tell me. I told her that it would be alright, how bad could it be. She said pretty bad. I told her we could work through it. She tried to smile but failed. After a few long minutes she told me what she had to say. It seems that a few months after we started dating, the little Angel's father came by to visit with her, which is indeed a rarity. Somehow during the course of the evening my Angel and the little Angel's father slept together. She told me how she didn't know how it had happened. She told me other reasons, but I really don't think I heard them. I took another bite of my steak, finished my drink and got up. I thanked her for dinner and went for the door. She started crying for me to stop. I told her that I could, wouldn't go through this again. She told me that it was one time. I told her that I had heard it before from other people. I told her I couldn't trust her now and I don't want to wait around for her to earn that trust back, because it never works out. As I left to return home I swear I could hear the other shoe hitting the floor. Quote: Believe me when I say we have a difficult time ahead of us. But if we are to be prepared for it, we must first shed our fear of it. I stand here, before you now, truthfully unafraid. Why? Because I believe something you do not? No, I stand here without fear because I remember. I remember that I am here not because of the path that lies before me but because of the path that lies behind me. Morpheous (Lawrence Fishburn) - The Matrix Reloaded |
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