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 |  I write, therefore I am |
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I write, therefore I am. I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough. PLUGS:
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| It's funny how life is constantly in flux. The way you see the world one day can be totally different what the way you see it the next. What causes these changes? Is it a happiness that invades your life? Is it a sadness that has vacated it? Suddenly the day seems a little brighter and the nights seems free of shadows. For the first time in a long time my soul feels at peace, not just with myself but everything around me. I have stopped letting my surroundings control my emotions, instead I control my emotions and observe my surroundings. I am no longer raging against the dying of the light. I have absolved myself of past sins and failures, at least for now. May there be peace, to you and yours. |
| I went to the wedding of my cousin Bruce today. He is in his early twenties and he married a lovely young ladies in her early twenties this is where things get complicated. My cousin Bruce is son of my mother’s sister, Irene. Christine is the daughter of my fathers, nephew John-Henry. Ok, is everyone following along at home? Good. John-Henry’s wife Brenda is sister of Elaine, who happens to be mother of the oft mentioned Lady Dee. I hope we are all on the same page here. At the wedding while the current angels in my life were being introduced to the immediate women folk of the family by my mother, I was approached by the Lady Dee. We talked for a few moments and as we spoke there was a change that came over her. Her eyes rimmed with tears and I could see that she was struggling not to break in front of me. As we talked the littlest angel came up to me, tugging on my shirt. She pulled me down and whispered loudly in my ear, ‘Why is the she crying?’ I tried to smile and told her that she was crying because she was happy about the wedding. “She doesn’t look happy.’ the angel said before running off. I tried to tell the Lady Dee that I was sorry about what happened, she said that it was ok, the angel was just a child. We spoke a little while longer until the older angel appeared with a smile on her face and a comforting rub on my back. ‘Who is this?’ she asked holding out her hand, smiling a huge smile, even though she knew who it was. Introductions were made and after a few minutes Dee said she had to leave as her voice cracked while she spoke. We watched her walk away, my angel and I, we could tell that the Lady Dee was crying. The Angel kissed me on the cheek and told me to go talk to her before she was gone. As asked if she was sure and she pushed me after her, ‘Go.’ I went to talk with the lady Dee and she asked me if this meant it was over? I told her that I didn’t know, but it meant it was over for now. We ended with her smiling and a hug goodbye. When I walked back over to the Angel she was smiling and held out her hand for mine. I thanked her and she said there was nothing to thank me for, the Lady Dee needed me in that moment. Still, I told her, most women wouldn’t have been happy with me going over to her, much less pushing me to go. She smiled and told me that she was not afraid of me going to talk with the Lady Dee, because she knew I was coming back to her and that she loved me. She never said that to me before and now it was my turn to cry, tears of joy. Quote; Why are you so good to me? Jenny Curan - Robin Writght Penn (Forrest Gump) |
| Alas, I have returned from the nether regions. It is hard to believe that I have been a member here for almost a year. Hopefully I will be able to find the energy and enthusiasm that I had then. I have had the mother of all writer's blocks for a few months now. It's funny that I have found someone or someones who have managed to put a smile on my heart, yet I now find that I cannot write. I want to, I try to, I sit here writing paragraphs only to discard them and try again just to be disastisfied with what I put to monitor as it were. I have deeply missed all of you, and hopefully I will at least be able to get back to BLOGville at least a few times a week. Oh well, I have rambled on enought for now, but I will leave you the way I used to with a quote; Quote; You're gonna need a bigger boat. Chief Martin Brody - Roy Scheider (JAWS) |
| I will be away for a short bit. I have run into a little bit of money problems and it will take me a few weeks to be able to pay for my account, so it will become basic at noon today. But, alas, I shall return. Things are going well, the Angels are still in my life making each day a little better. I think they have already claimed a piece of my heart. Still I am experiencing the worst case of writers block I think I ever have. Anyway, I will return in a few weeks when I have the money to pay for the account. I almost had enough GP's to pay for the month, but I was 13k short. Peace, and tranquility. Larry |
| It's weird I sit here and no words want to come out. There is nothing for me to say. It's as if in spouting out my history I have used up all the words I have. The demons I let loose are slowly fading away, leaving behind them a strange quiet stillness. Of course I still think and dream of the past, but I am trying hard to stop looking back at them so much. I am trying to look more to the future. My angels scare me I am so afraid that I am going to make a mistake and push them away. I pray to the patron saint of broken hearts that I do not do that. Quote; ...maybe there I can tell her all those things they don't have words for here. Ed Crane (Billy Bob Thorton) - The Man Who Wasn't There. |
| I have to admit that sitting here in front of the computer contemplating what to write today, it feels strange. Like coming home after being away for a few years. Everything still looks the same, it just has a different feel to it. If that makes any sense to you. I was talking to the littlesy angel today and she looked at me with a puzzled expression. I asked her what was wrong and she said to me. "You are really big, will I be as big as you when I get older. I bet you could touch the sky." She looked at me with the biggest brown eyes and all I could do was laugh and tell her that I hope she wouldn't get as big as me. Of course momma angel found the entire conversation to be funny and tear worthy. Women. lol. Later on she told me that she liked me spendind time with Little Angel. She said that her father was rarely around and when he was he showed little angel the smallest ammounts of attention. She got up then to gather up little angel and I couldn't help but wonder what type of man would not want to be around such a cute little girl. The only answer I could come up with is one that is not a man. Back at the apartment I put little angel down for a nap and left momma angel to herself. It is said that angels often go where demons fear to tread. They are doing just that it seems. They are creeping under my defenses and taking hold. Part of me is happy and excited, part of me is fearful and nervous. |
I don't know if any of you noticed, but I have been away on sabatical. I want to thank everyone for their emails concerning my being away. I especially want to thank ♥Flower♥  for her c-note a day. Each one made me smile.I guess the strangest think I found about my being away was that my BLOG recieved almost 500 hits for only 4 entries. Recently, my world has been filled by the voices of angels. Two of them. A few weeks ago a young lady and her mother came into the store and we talked for a while. That is her mother and I did. We talked for awhile about what we thought we good writer's and we traded a few author names to try out. A few days later the mother came back on her own and we talked some more and we talked about my own writing. When she left she took my port address with her. I didn't mind her reading my stuff, I mean that is what it is written for right? To be read? Well she read my BLOG instead. Over the next week or so one or the both of them would come back and we would have nice little talks. Eventually I pushed all of the fear aside and asked the both of them on a date. They both agreed. So for the next few weeks we saw alot of each other, again the both of them and occasionally just the mother. Earlier this week I was invited over to her house for dinner. While the mother clean up the dinner I was recruited to read to the young lady. I swear you have not lived until you see the happiness that time spent with a child can bring in the eyes of an Angel. The young lady drifted off to sleep and I turned to see the mother smiling in the doorway as I pulled the sheet up to the young lady's neck and watched her for a minute before setting the book aside and standing to leave the room. "What?" I asked defensively. She just shook her head and walked off smiling as I followed behind her. In the living room we sat down to watch a movie, and she sat there with the remote in her hand. She told me that she had something to say and she didn't want me to get upset. I knew it, here it comes, time for the other shoe to drop. Her big revelation was that she had read my BLOG almost all the way through. Mainly the life story that I struggled to put to words. She said that it took a lot of strength to be able to be that open with relative strangers. I didn't know what to say. She put her hand on my knee and said, "All that happened in the past was not your fault. You need to stop taking all that blame on your shoulders." I told her, "I don't." She called me a liar and said that she had read my entries. I said that I am fine once I get it out of my system on paper. I tried to smile. She said it wasn't my fault. She grabbed my head and pulled me to her in a hug and she whispered against my ear. "My daughter thinks alot of you and so do I. It's time for you to think the same of yourself. You have done the best you could and become a good man inspite of everything." She held me and I started crying. It's amazing to see yourself as the reflection in the eyes of Angels... quote; I'm afraid? What am I afraid of? What the fuck am I afraid of? Will Hunting (Matt Damon) - Good Will Hunting |
| We all seek two things in life. Acceptance and redemption. We long for those things in the eyes of our loved ones. Sometimes, the hardest place to see those things are in our own eyes. There are things in my life that I have not accepted or found redemption for. I keep thinking back to that little abused girl that I did nothing to protect. I know that I was young and there was nothing that I could do to help her, yet I have not accepted it. I know that I hate a part of me for not being able to help and I am in constant search of redemption. That is why when I see someone abused by those stronger than them I want to fight for their lost cause. I want redemption for past failures. So everyday I go through life longing for love and acceptance. Everyday I go through life longing for peace and redemption. Everyday. Longing. |
| Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It has been ten days since my last confession I have been slothful. I have sat before this screen on numerous occasions, but I have been unable to muster the energy to put anything down. I have had lust in my heart. I have seen others walk by in the happiness of companionship and I long, I lust for the same in my own life. I have envied. I have seen others in the throes of happiness and I wish that I were them. I wish that I too was enjoying bits of happiness in my own life. I have been wrathful. I have been angered by the ignorance of thost around me. I have had to fight back the anger the actions of others bring to me. I have been gluttonous. I have tried to eat away the pain and agony of my heart. It doesn't work yet I try. Forgive me father, for I have sinned. quote; We see a deadly sin on every street corner, in every home, and we tolerate it. We tolerate it because it's common, it's trivial. We tolerate it morning, noon, and night. John Doe (Kevin Spacey) - Se7en |
| I should sleep but I am afraid. My sleeping world have been filled with nightmares over the last few nights. What are dreams? Are they devices for the mind to clear away the clutter? Are they admonishments to ourselves for some slight we have performed? Are they gateways into other worlds where we gaze for moments into what could have happened? Are they nothing at all with no real meaning except what we see in them? I don’t know. I’d like to but I don’t. I dreamt last night that I walked into the living room of one of my old apartments and sitting on the sofa were Kristina and Dee both. They walked over to me holding hands and they each took turns giving me a soft warm kiss. They led me to the sofa and sat down on either side of me. I asked what was going on and they just smiled. Suddenly, I was afraid and I wanted nothing more than to get up and flee from the room. To flee from the world. They each rested a hand on my knee and they spoke in one voice. “We didn’t love you. Never. Not in the beginning. Not in the middle. Not in the end. We just put up with you like you put up with a puppy until they are housebroken. The only problem is you never got that way. How could we love you. Look at you. You are a sad little man. Grotesque in look and appearance who could love you. No one could.” And I woke up in tears. Pain is apart of my everyday life. From headaches, to knee pains, to heart aches. There is always pain. Always. I just want to be loved is that so wrong? I want to be held and told that everything will be okay? I want to feel another against me and know that I am protected? I just want to know what love feels like again, before I forget what it feels like all together. It’s not fair to go through life with so much love to give and no one willing to except it. I would cry, but I fear there are no more tears. quote; I studied about it. The Bible says you ought not to. It says if you do that, you go off to Hades. Some folks call it Hell, I call it Hades. Karl (Billy Bob Thorton) - Sling Blade |
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