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 |  I write, therefore I am |
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I write, therefore I am. I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough. PLUGS:
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| I feel as if I have fallen asleep and awakened to find myself in a small boat adrift in an ocean of darkness and choppy water. I am a little scared because the boat appears to be falling apart to at any moment drop me into the turmoil of the sea. I know that if it does I will be pulled down deep into the muck and murk of no more. I stand before the bathroom mirror and it feels as if I am expanding more and more by the day. I want to lose weight, to diet, to exercise. Yet I find that I do not have the will power. I think it is all used up. I use so much of it to fight off the depression, to urge to smoke once more, the urge to drink the world away, that I don’t think there is anymore will power left. Now that my story has been exorcized from my soul I find that I lied to myself sometimes. As bad as things got with Kristina, I did love her once. Part of me loves her still. For as long as I can remember I have had dreams of Dee, but there have been dreams of Kris as well. They are both prevalent in my soul, regrets of past mistakes. When we first moved in together life was great, wonderful even. There were many mornings that I was awakened by her attentions. And it was indeed a wonderful way to return to the world each morning. There was great affection between us in those early moments of our “adult” relationship. There were showers together, and bedroom activities with fruit, or whipped cream, or both. Sometimes, as much as I long for Dee, I long for a return to those days. To days of jokes played on her in the mall, when she would try to hold my hand I would push her away and yell for security. Like a child enjoying a game, she would continue to grab after my hand, knowing what the reaction would be. It’s those moments that are captured in my mind, and looked back on fondly. I have said on occasion that I hate Kristina, I think that is a bit harsh of me. I think that I hate a part of myself for not keeping things the way they were in the beginning. When things began to drift apart in those early years I should have fought harder to keep her close. I should have fought tooth and nail, instead of standing on the dock, hat in hand, watching her drift away. I would like to say to her that I am sorry. I don’t hate you anymore. I mourn you passing from my life. Even though in the middle and end you were cruel and insensitive to what was important to me. I don’t hate you anymore. Life is too short to hate. Part of me loves you still. quote; Sometimes life is hard for no reason at all. Carol Boone (Nicole Ari Parker) - Remember the Titans |
| I have returned, from computer hell. Problem after problem with computer. You know depression is funny to most people. They often assume that it is not real, or it is an attempt to garner sympathy, or it is used as an excuse. Those of us who have dealt with it know that it is not. Even though my depression has on only one occasion gotten as bad as it did when Kris and I broke up, it still likes to rear it's ugly head upon occassion. I'm sitting here and I feel that little monster climbing it's way up my spine wanted to escape to trouble my world. I fight, but sometimes I fear it is a losing battle. In just over two weeks, I will become thirty-five. So for all intents and purposes my life could be considered half over. What have I accomplished in the years I have been given so far? I can tell you not much. There is no business that I have built, no woman that I love who would give love in return, no child that I have fathered. I could fade away, disappear into the air and I would only be missed by a few. I think they would be few and far between at that. Somedays it is a struggle. Somedays it is a fight. Somedays it's just dispair. Somedays I want it all to go away. Everyday I am determined to win, and stand all the stronger for my fight. I've missed everyone. Now I have alot of catching up to do with all my little BLOGgy friends. Take care. quote; Do you know the Tristan Rêveur quote about bad art? It's "bad art is more tragically beautiful than good art 'cause it documents human failure." Henry Letham (Ryan Gosling) - Stay |
| All of a sudden I feel lost when it comes to BLOG entries. I sit here with nothing to say. It seems that since the telling of my "story" within these entries, I have lost something. Have the demons been exorcised so thoroughly from my soul that I can find nothing to say now? I find it funny that just a few weeks or so can change the way things are looked at. I think if I were to start telling my story now, I don't think I would be able to. It is as if all of the pressure that was built up has been released slowly into the world. I don't feel as if I could blow at any moment. I feel a bit calmer, if not wiser. I want to come here eachday and write, but I cannot. I find that my days are not eventful enough to find something to write. So I sit here still single, still a Solitary Man. So I sit here still not wanting or needing to write about it, because even I am growing tired of hearing about it. lol. The voices and demons of the past have grown quiet, they are still there, just not as loud. Sometimes I want to walk by the world and let it all go in my passing. I see someone not treated right, and I want to continue upon my journey. I don't want to help. I don't want to be a hero. Then I see the pain and longing for help in Ellen's eyes from when I was a child and couldn't help, then I stop and do what I can. I think I have rambled on quite enough. I don't know where I was going. I'm tired, so I shall sleep now. Peace. quote; The important thing in life is to believe that while you're alive, it's never too late. I promise you, Jean, no matter how bad things look, they look better awake than they do asleep. When you die, there's only one thing you want to happen. You wanna come back. Jack Starks (Adrien Brody) - The Jacket |
| My temperment: Phlegmatic? Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace. You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions. You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected. It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional. You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others. While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well. At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything. You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams. You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment. Strange man, strange. |
| By the writing Gods, what have I done. Then entries in my contest for Febuary has hit 21. I think I might cry. hehe. Oh well lots o' reading to go.
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| So I was wondering, exactly how much pressure does it take to turn coal into a diamond? I mean how much pressure per square inch does it take? I think my body knows, if my mind does not. Sit back in you most comfy of chairs. Lean your head back relaz and close your eyes. Clear all thoughts from your mind and just listen to my voice. On the left side of your face there is a bit of pressure starting in one of your bottom molars. As you sit the pressure expands to an almost burning sensation that fills your whole jawline. The throbbing moves up the back of your jawline upwards toward your ear. The discomfort is so much that you have the silly idea that if you press against your jaw the pain will go away. It doesn't. Feeling left out a sharp throb starts at your right temple and slowly expands outward across the entire scope of your head. It creeps as if it is it's destiny to meet up with the pain in your jaw so that they can become one whole mass of throbbing discomfort. I think that is just enough pressure to make a diamond out of coal. I bought stock in Ibuprofen. quote; I find a little giggle-gas before I begin gives me immense pleasure. Orin Scrivello, DDS (Steve Martin) - Little Shop of Horrors |
| So here I sit in the middle of the afternoon and I realized that I have hit another milestone, this time it aproached without much fanfare on my part. I guess I was slacking. There were no party invites sent out this time, no interviews by CCCN's roving reporter in the field Moron. But, still there are milestones that were met. This is entry 200 for me and I am almost at 4000 views for this little ol BLOG of mine. I did mange to make a little cake, German Chocolate, and I've provided some snacks and Horse D Overs. They are on the table in the back. Maybe TeflonMike  can get some 'shine from his relatives and we can have a good ol' party. I'm sure there will be enough of the wimmin folk here to keep all the mens in line.As a treat I have finished "My Mother's Painting". The contest deadline isn't until I think the twentith of March, so any suggestions will be helpful and appreciated. This is different than my normal pieces. It is not dark, morbid, scary, violent, crazy, fantistical. It's just a small slice of life.
I hope you all enjoy and have had a wonderful day. Larry |
| Over the last month or so I have made no secret of the pains in my life. THe heartbreak, the fear, the lonliness, the violence of things witnessed. It's funny to think that for most of my life I have felt unloved and unwanted. Of course life has been made rougher dealing with bouts of depression. Even now I will occasionally suffer from rather heinous bouts of depression, but nothing ever has bad as what I suffered after Kris and I broke up. Well there was one time. But on that occasion after urging from a friend I revealed my problems to both of my parents and things have been better since. Okay, somewhere I took a wrong turn and have drifted off from the path that I started here. My point is this, for years I have felt unloved and unwanted. Over the last two years I have gathered around me a strong group of friend who while we do not get along all the time, we would all do anything for the others. If we are needed everything is dropped to come to the aid of whomever needs it. It is much more like a family than friends. For most of my life I have missed that, so I am enjoying it now. OKay that brings me to the Great WDC. When I first stumbled upon this sight. I instantly found helpful people who would let me know where my work needed, well, work. Before the first month was over I upgraded my membership and on that first day I created my BLOG. Through this BLOG I have been pulled into another family. A family filled with love, support, understanding and upon the rare occasion disagreement. Like a true family we are all there when support is needed, when a shoulder is needed to cry on, when someone is needed to stand behind you they are there. While we may not comment to every entry of our favorite BLOGs we are always here when needed. When that extra word of comfort is needed we are always there, just like a family should be. And who could ask for anything more. I mean really? For the better part of a month I shared my life story, pulled no punches, revealed it all with every blemish for the world to see. Through all those entries I recieved many comments, both public and private. Thanks to each and everyone of you. Without you I don't think I could have made it through my story. There were times when I almost quit. There were times when entries were so painful that I thought I would never continue. Then I would read a comment, and that would give me the strength to continue. So to each of you, I give thanks for being there, for being the family I needed to get the story out. And in no particular order. isam concrete_angel loup_ragazza Alabama vivacious  Nada susanL ccstring windac aprilbaby zwisis Rainbowapple Cassie Reynolds David McClain Mel aka Mrs Tor Lady D skyisfalling02 sultry lethomson BarbiesNeverLie celestial NanoWriMo2018 Into the Earth In Your Dirtiest Pants kelly1202 ♥Flower♥ Even Though I've Died Kåre Enga in Udon Thani  Scarlett kireimusume Thank you all..... quote; We're family, we're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait 'til Christmas Tommy (Chris Farley) - Tommy Boy |
| Well the story. My Mother's Painting, is forming in my head. IT appears to be a little different then what I normally write. The story will be about an elderly grandfather telling his oldest grandson a story about the painting in a small town museum. The picture is just like one that his mother had when he was small. It is a picture of a woman sitting on the ground before a field and in the background there is a house and a barn. It will be a small slice of life story. No grave digging, no crimes, no mental institutions, no magic, no murder, no cops. Just a grandfather and his grandson and a story of the past. All in a thousand word limit. We shall see how it goes. I am glad the weekend is over. I spent most of it in bed with a combination migrane/toothache. My head hurt from my left temple, to my right, all the way down to my jawline. Oh the pain, the pills, the lack of hunger. Hey maybe I lost a bit of weight. Doubt it. Today I ran into my ex-girlfriend LeAnn today. She came into the store with her two daughters, one twenty, the other seventeen, and they are every bit as pretty as their mother. Anyway we talked for a while and before she left she thanked me. She thanked me for standing up for her that day when Scott grabbed her arm and hurt her. She thanked me because that day I showed her that she didn't have to put up with that kind of situation, she was better than that. Afterward she quit school to take care of her daughter, got a GED, a decent job and eventually she married a good man who she is still married too. She said it was all because I stood up for her that day. She never forgot it and she loved me for standing up for her. Imagine that, I inspired someone to stand up for themselves and to be a stronger person. Will wonders never cease. quote; If only it was the picture who was to grow old, and I remain young. There's nothing in the world I wouldn't give for that. Yes, I would give even my soul for it. Dorian Grey (Hurd Hatfield) - The Picture of Dorian Grey |
As some of you may or may not know I belong to a new group here at WDC "Invalid Item"  . This group also has a contest for it's memebers only, with a story based on a picture prompt. It starts, because I have started my entry. Hopefully everything will go well. I am not sure exactly where the story is going, I just know the two main characters are an elderly man and hist older grandson, talking while looking at a painting in a small town museum. The story will be called, My Mother's Painting. That's all I know. So we shall see.I hope everyone has a nice weekend. And those of you that are experiencing medical problems for themselves or loved ones, those with colds and flus, those with sick animals. You are all in my thoughts. Sweet Dreams. |
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