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Goofy guests, wacky questions, zany prizes! New writers welcome. |
| [Introduction]
NEW WRITERS welcome. You must respond quickly to your turn or you will be skipped. Too many skips and you will be out. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ...Welcome to WHAT CAN YOU WIN?, America's slowest-growing game show. I'm Steve, your host, and this is Al, your announcer. And now, let's find out WHAT CAN YOU WIN?... |
| STEVE: Well, Al, it looks like a good crowd tonight. Who is going to be our first lucky contestant? |
| AL: Well Steve, after several seconds of painstaking searching, it looks like-- *al is interrupted by a bang at the studio doors* ANGRY MOB: WE WANT ROO! WE WANT ROO! STEVE: Whaaa...? MOB LEADER: WHERE'S ROO?! STEVE: Ummmm... she's not here now. Try timbucktoo. MOB LEADER: WHAT DO WE WIN? STEVE: An I Love Roo T-Shirt MOB: YAYHOODLES! STEVE: WELL! Now that that's settled, who's our first contestant? |
| STEVE: I said WHO IS OUR FIRST CONTESTANT? Now where did Al go? Has anybody seen Al? STAGEHAND: I think he went to the snack bar to get a bag of Tostitos, Steve. STEVE: I thought he was on a diet? He's not gonna lose any weight munching chips all day. Al! There you are. The audience is turning into a mob. How about selecting a contestant before they destroy the place. |
| AL:*mouth full* Whoever sits down first is our contestant. *the audience immediately sits* AL: Ummmm...ummm...uhhh SOME GUY: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! AL: WOW! You've got some LUNGS man! Come up here please. GUY: Wow! Do I win! AL:Noooo... but you will! :) GUY: *foaming at the mouth* WHAT!!!! CURSE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUU! AL: Hey, relax, just...relax...just...relax STEVE: Or else! GUY: PRIZE! NOW! OOOOK! OOOK! OOOK! OOK! AL: Okay! You win. Just...calm...down. GUY: WHAT WIN?!!!!!!! AL: A brand new straightjacket. SECURITY! |
| GUY: NO! Don't put me back in that place! SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into his walkie-talkie] I need back-up! Hurry! AUDIENCE: Gasp! STEVE: Uh-oh... AL: Yikes! [Crazy guy leaps off of stage out into audience. Audience screams like a girl. Crazy guy plows through them, leaping over chairs, and runs out the back of the theater...] AL: Whew! That was a close one. STEVE: Nice work, Alfred, you almost got us killed. Do you think you can come up with a contestant who won't kill us? |
AL: *grins evilly* Yes I do Steve. Yes I do... STEVE: Oh NO! NONONONONONONOOOOO! AL: OH YES! COME MY MINIONS VOICE: Who needs a carebear hug? WE DO!!! |
| STEVE: What are these things, Al? They are kind of cute, and yet they are at the same time grotesquely horrible. VOICES: WHAT CAN WE WIN? WHAT CAN WE WIN? STEVE: What CAN they win, Al? Somehow the Hawaii Cruise doesn't seem appropriate. Do you think they would like the Mustang convertible? |
| AL:Yes but... STEVE: No buts Al. AL:*pouts* FINE! You win a mustang convertable STEVE: Phew! THINGS: NOOOOO! THAT'S OUT OF DATE! STEVE: SO ARE YOU! BUH-BYE! |
| AL: Our next contestant is old and dirty. STEVE: Old and dirty, Al? Is that really necessary? AL: I wanted to help the homeless, Steve, so I dragged in this old wino from the alley behind the studio. STEVE: Dad! WINO: Hello. son. I've been wanting to see your new quiz show from the inside. STEVE: I told you to stay in the alley and listen through the back door. WINO: I did that, but this nice man was kind enough to invite me inside. STEVE: Just turn around and get back to that alley, dad. Buh-bye! AL! You're gonna have to do a whole lot better at this contestant-picking thing. |
| AL: WHY! STEVE: Are you sassing me? AL: *pouts* SORRY! STEVE: Get on with the show! ************************************************* AL: Well, I've decided to return to the cute/horribly disgusting contestant STEVE:WELL! WHO IS IT? AL: I'll give you a hint: He's the king of the big hairy purple people... |
| STEVE: Your highness! {Steve falls to his knees and touches his forehead to the floor.] BARNEY: Arise, my faithful servant. I have come to dispense love and affection and win a purple Mustang convertible. AL: But we only have a red_ STEVE: Yes, your highness! You WILL win a purple convertible! AL: But, Steve. We only have_ STEVE: [whispering intensely] Shut up, AL, and get Quicky AutoPaint on the phone. I need a paint job and I need it fast! |
| AL: Relax, I have a better idea. [snaps fingers] *suddenly a car pops out of nowhere* STEVE: Remind me to ask you how you did that as soon as I'm done kissing my master's hairy hand. GUY: Hi. I sell- AL: GIVE IT! WE'RE TALKIN BARNEY HERE! GUY: Um, yeah, um... *suddenly a purple Mustang convertible appears out of nowhere* BARNEY: YAY! I love you, you love me, we're a happy family! STEVE: How'd you do that? AL: I have absolutely no idea. It works in movies though!:) STEVE: How did you manage to make an e-mail smiley if this is a game show? AL: Ummm... OUR NEXT CONTESTANT IS... *he is interrupted by a bang on the door* STEVE: OH NO! |
| AL: Why did you say "Oh no!" Steve? STEVE: Because it's your job to introduce the guests, Al, and I keep getting stuck with it. What are we paying you for around here anyway? ...Although that "car out of midair" trick was pretty slick... Still... Who is our next contestant? |
| AL: One: You don't pay me. Two: I GOT BARNEY FOR YOU DIDN'T I!? Three: The mob's at the door. They just set a record time for going to Timbucktoo and back again so...they are our next contestant. |
| STEVE: Hello, mob! MOB: Howdy, Steve! STEVE: Can we have just one representative of the mob step forward to be a contestant? MOB: We're a mob, Steve. We're not that organized. STEVE: Well, how about if I just pick somebody at random? MOB: Yay, Steve! The man with a plan! STEVE: How, about you young lady? GIRL: No thanks, Steve. I'd rather be a part of the mob. I don't want to be singled out for individual attention. STEVE: Are there no individuals in this mob willing to step forward and compete? MOB: It's a mob, Steve. If we wanted to be individuals we wouldn't run in a pack, would we? AL: How do they do that thing where they all say the same thing at the same time? STEVE: It's called mob psychology, Al. It happens when a crowd of people all focus on the same thing. Their minds become synchronized and they speak as one. AL: Oooh... That's scarey. STEVE: You should try talking to them. |
| AL: "Hi mob" MOB:(sullenly) Hi Al. AL: If you're a mob how come you haven't done anything stupid? MOB: WHOOPS! *quietly reveals knife* |
| AL: Heh heh... Just kidding... I don't really want you to do anything stupid... STEVE! STEVE: (whispering) Just step backwards slowly, Al. Don't let them see you are afraid. If they smell fear they will tear us to pieces. AL: I'm scared, Steve! MOB: (sniffing) What's that smell? STEVE: Al! I told you to not show fear! Do you want to get us killed? MOB: WE SMELL FEAR! GET'EM, BOYS! ARRRGHHH! STEVE: Run, Al! |
| AL: NO! STEVE GO ON WITHOUT ME! STEVE: You don't have to be cheesy Al, just run. Al: Oh. Okay. Sure. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! |
| STEVE: Quick! Duck in here. [Steve and Al duck into a closet and close the door. The mob goes pounding by, yelling and screaming, but never noticing the closet door.] AL: Whew! They went on by. That was quite a mob, Steve. STEVE: Yeah... I'm thinking maybe we should screen our audiences better. And install some metal detectors. Maybe hire a couple more security guards. |
| AL: That sounds good to me. Better safe than sorry. Do you think it's safe to go back to the stage now? STEVE: Sure. Let's go have a game show! We'll bring in a new audience. NEW AUDIENVE: Yay, Steve! Yay, Al! STEVE: Hey! This looks like a great audience! We're glad to see you! Right, Al? AL: I hope so, Steve! STEVE: Okay, Al, who's our first contestant. AL: Steve, we have Betty Footloose, a young dancer from Topeka, Kansas. STEVE: Wow! Kansas! Are there many dancers in Kansas, Betty? |
| BETTY: YES! Too many, actually. I had my foot stepped on and it broke, so I changed my name. AL:Why on earth did you do that? BETTY: Dooonnnn'tttt saaassss mmeeeeeee!!!! AL[whispers to Steve] Let's get her out of here. STEVE: SURE! What does Betty win Al? Al: $5000 to use on a psyhaitrist. BETTY: NOOOOOOOO!!!! AL: OUR NEXT CONTESTANT IS SITTING IN THE FOURTH ROW. HIS NAME IS BOB AND HE IS FROM NEW YORK CITY, LIKE ME!!!!! |
| STEVE: Come on up, Bob! BOB: Hey! How youse guys doing? STEVE: (whispering to AL) Is that New York talk, Al? How come you don't sound like that? AL: Welcome to the show, Bob. STEVE: Yes, are you ready to find out What Can You Win? BOB: Yeah. I been wanting to be on dis show. Youse guys are the greatest. |
| AL: Fuggetadaboutit BOB: HEY! HEY! AL M'BOY! HOW YOU DOIN! I AIN'T SEEN YOU SINCE YOU WAS DAT DANG CONDUCTOR ON THE C TRAIN! AL: The station superintendent heard about that thing with the firebombs Bob! I told you this is NOT 1970, they cleaned up the system. But anyway, you win another set of firebombs to use on SOMETHING UNRELATED TO THE SUBWAY SYSTEM! (A/N: I'm actually from New York. Oh how everyone laughs at everyone else here! I love it!) |
| BOB: Hey! Alright! So whadda ya do now, Al? You work here? AL: Yeah, I'm the announcer. BOB: But that's kinda like being a conductor too, ain't it, AL? Know what I mean? AL: Yes, I can see how it's similar. BOB: All aboarrrrd! Hahaha! |
| AL: Umm...sure. LOOK! THE COPS! YOU'D BETTER SCRAM! BOB:Whoops! YOU'LL NEVA TAKE ME ALIVE COPPAS! COPS:[takes out gun] AL:[over gunfire] STEVE, I THINK YOU SHOULD PICK OUR CONTESTANT WHILE I HIDE BEHIND THE CURTAIN! |
| STEVE: OKAY! Who wants to play? Come on, don't be shy. Don't you want to find out WHAT CAN YOU WIN? How about the man in the red overalls? Good! You're not bashful. Come on up! And what's your name? |
| AL: RED OVERALLS! OH THATS RICH! But seriously, what IS your name? MAN IN RED OVERALLS(RED, that's TOO good!): My name is Billy-Bob-Jay-Nay-Johnson-Jean-Jim-Joe-Moe... STEVE: [starts drooling] Uhhh... |
AL: Okay, slow down, Billy Bob Too Many Names. You're overloading Steve's brain circuits. BILLY BOB: And what's your name? AL: My name? It's Al! Don't you ever watch the show? BILLY BOB: Show! Is that what this is? I was looking for the Buick dealership. And what kind of name is "Al"? It's only got two letters in it. By the time you get your mouth open to say it, it's already been said. What fun is that? AL: It's fun to me. Say, why does a guy in red overalls want to buy a Buick? You seem more like a Dodge kind of guy to me. BILLY BOB: Are you some kind of expert about who belongs with what brand of car? |
| AL: Well...er..well...um... BILLY BOB: EXACTLY! [starts snorting] AL: SO...uuhh... THATS IT! YOU WIN A BUICK! Now get out of here before I start breaking things. |
STEVE: Is he gone? Why would anybody want to give their kid that many names? |
| AL: Maybe nobody wanted to change there last name so they stuck the names of all the family members on him for, like, 50 years. STEVE: Nonono, I bet he CHANGED his name. AL: Like Betty FootLoose? STEVE: Speaking of Betty, what WAS her real name? AL: I don't know Steve, maybe we should pick our next contestant. STEVE:Okay AL: Is there anyone with less than 4 names who is NOT wearing ANY kind of overalls who wants to be our next contestant? MAN: I DO! I DO! IT WOULD BE A WISE CHOICE WERE YOU TO PICK ME FOR THIS REMARKABLE AND HILLARIOUS VENDURE!!! AL: No intellectualls either. MAN: I BLAME MOMMY! |
| STEVE: How about the man in the skin-tight yellow jumpsuit with the red apple patch on his chest? Yes, you. Come on up. That's an interesting costume. Are you some kind of super hero? MAN: Yes. I am AppleMan. STEVE: AppleMan! That's great! Hear that, Al? We have AppleMan on the show. AL: I never heard of AppleMan. Do you have a copy of one of your comic books? APPLEMAN: Comic books! I'm not a fictional super hero. I'm the real thing. AL: So what do you do? Like, go around saving apples or something? APPLEMAN: Don't be stupid. Does BatMan go around saving bats? The apple is my symbol. It stands for nature and the bountiful harvests of autumn. AL: So you only work in the fall? APPLEMAN: (speaking slowly so Al will understand) No, I work all year. The apple is just a symbol, my logo, so that people will know that it's me, AppleMan, and not SuperMan or some other super hero. |
| AL: Omigosh, you're secretly undercover as SUPERMAN?! Can I PLEASE have your autograph? APPLEMAN:(grits teeth and starts twitching) STEVE: SO...WHAT DOES APPLEMAN-I MEAN SUPERMAN-WIN? |
APPLEMAN: Unless you both want to be baked into a pie, I'd suggest you get serious and quit mocking me. STEVE: Is that your super power? Baking apple pies? APPLEMAN: One of them. I usually peel and core the villains. After that, they don't need to be baked in a pie. Hahahaha! STEVE: A little AppleMan humor, eh? Hahaha! AL: Hahahaha! We're really having a good time now. STEVE: Have you ever met Johnny Appleseed? APPLEMAN: Who? Jonny Quest? STEVE: No, the world-famous Johnny Appleseed. He planted apple trees. I don't know any other apple-related people. AL: (tugging Steve's sleeve) What about Granny Smith? STEVE: Oh yeah. Those Granny Smith apples are good apples, aren't they? Crisp and tart. AL: What about Winesaps? STEVE: Those are good. Rome Delicious? AL: I don't like their texture. APPLEMAN: Hey! What do I win? |
| AL: YOU WIN A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF APPLE SEEDS! A-MAN:I'VE NEVER WON ANYTHING IN MY WHOLE WORTHLESS LIFE! *sobs* STEVE: Aww, look how happy Appleman is Al. AL: I see, now get out. |
STEVE: Gee, Al, didn't you like AppleMan? You've changed. I remember when you would go bananas whenever anyone showed up wearing a cape and you would beg for their autograph. I guess we need to find an ordinary regular person for a contestant. What do you think? Male or female? Young or old? Rich or poor? Smart or dumb? With this audience we can have our pick. |
| AL: How 'bout that shabby guy sitting in row behind seat C17? SHABBY GUY: Who me? AL: You're the ugliest guy in the place, who ELSE could we mean? GUY: Is that an insult? AL: No, come up here now, I don't get payed for this you know. SHABBY GUY: *mutters something along the lines of "asshole!"* AL: SAY THAT AGAIN?!!! SHABBY GUY:------------------------------------ AL: YOU CAN'T USE THAT LANGUAGE IN THE STUDIO! SHABBY GUY: Oh YEAH? AL: Yeah, what do YOU think smart one? SHABBY GUY: ALRIGHT THAT'S IT! *leaps at Al foaming at the mouth* |
STEVE: Look out, Al! AL: Don't worry, Steve! I can take this guy." SHABBY GUY: Oh yeah? Get ready to die, sucker! (Charges Al while screaming a really good martial arts scream...) STEVE: (with hands over eyes) Uh oh! I can't look. |
| ******NOTE******* While you are reading this I suggest you play some really cool wordless music in your head. The "Gyroball" soundtrack on www.miniclip.com is pretty good. This entire thing should DEFINATELY take place in slow motion. Al: *trys to give SG the ol' one two* SG: *goes from flying kick with scream into double front flip, landing behind Al* Al:*uses the Force and starts bashing SG'S brains out* AUDIENCE: Ewww... |
| STEVE: Ewwww... AUDIENCE: Make them stop, Steve! STEVE: What? I'm not getting into that. Aren't there enough mashed brains on the floor without adding mine to it? AUDIENCE: Ewwww... SG: (as he makes a wicked chop, twist, twirl and kick) Yieeeeeeee! Hah! STEVE: Wow! How does he do that with only half his brains left in his skull? AL: (gasping for breath) I guess he can't take a hint. I'm gonna have to really hurt him now. |
| SHABBY GUY: Hiyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! AL: *goes flying backwards into the wall* AUDIENCE: GASP! *suddenly, out of the rubble comes...well...here's a hint: His name starts with A...* |
| AUDIENCE: Yayyyy! It's AppleMan! APPLEMAN: Yeah, I heard all the fuss so I thought I better come back and save my old buddy, Al. I mean after all, that's what us superheroes do, save the weak and innocent from the big bad ugly people. STEVE: Well, quit talking and DO something! AL: Hey! I can fight my own fights. I don't need Johnny Appleseed helping me. (Suddenly Shabby Guy comes leaping down from above screaming: Hiyaaa! Hi! Hi! Hi! and kicks Al in the back of the head.) AL: Fight fair, you homeless rag bag! APPLEMAN: I'll turn Shabby Guy into applesauce. |
| *BANG! CRASH! THUNK! WHIRRR!* APPLEMAN:*comes out dripping with applesauce* AUDIENCE: HOORAH! STEVE/AL:THANKS APPLEMAN! APPLEMAN: No problem, virtue is its own reward. STEVE: Really? APPLEMAN: No. |
AL: Okay, Steve. Who's up next? STEVE: Why am I the one who has to risk his life picking contestants out of that mob of lunatics? AUDIENCE: (angry) HEY! Steve is dissing us! AL: Um, Steve? You know how easy they become aroused? STEVE: Yeah, yeah. Wow! What a great audience! Loving you guys! You shoulda seen the audience we had last night! Real losers! But you guys are grrrreat! AUDIENCE: Hahahaha! Steve is cool... AL: So who is our next victim? I mean - contestant? |
| STEVE: How should I know? YOU'RE the one who has to pick contestants NOT ME! AL: Oh yeah, I forgot STEVE: Get on with it, I don't pay you for this you know. AL: Didn't we have this conversation already? YOU DON'T PAY ME! STEVE: Alright, geez, so testy, maybe I should lower your wages. AL: *grits teeth* ANYWAY, is there anyone who looks decent, does not like bashing brains, and has any money/goods they could give me who wants to be our next contestant? MAN: I fill all of those categories sir! AL: Alright then come on up. MAN: *steps up on stage* STEVE: Wh-wh-WHAT! YOU'RE BILL GATES! BILL GATES: That I am Steve, that I am. STEVE:*screams like a girl* Ahhh! He knows my name! |
STEVE: (sitting up and rubbing his eyes) Is it morning yet? What did Santy Claus bring me? AL: (gives Steve a dope slap) Snap out of it! The show must go on. STEVE: It must? Oh. I had the most wonderful dream. Bill Gates was here. AL: He was here, but he's gone now. Are you okay? STEVE: Gone? My Bill is gone? AL: He's not YOUR, Bill, Dopey. Wake up and smell the coffee. STEVE: Next! AL: (pointing over his shoulder at someone in the audience) Him. STEVE: You aren't even looking where you're pointing. AL: I don't care anymore. Whoever I choose is gonna be a weirdo anyway, so just let it be whoever it is. STEVE: (frowning) I remember when you CARED about the show, Al. Okay, you, sir, the one randomly selected by an indifferent uncaring Al. MAN: (pointing at his own chest) Me? STEVE: Yes! |
| AL: I was...um...joking! Yeah! That's right I was joking! I LOVE you guys, I'm just a little tired from giving Steve so many dope slaps. MAN: So...I'm n-n-NOT a contestant *lip quivers* STEVE: Noo, it's okay, OF COURSE you're the contestant. Just calm down, please MAN: YAY! SOMEONE FROM THE AUDIENCE: Don't get too overexcited deary! MAN: Yes mom, I won't. |
| STEVE: Okay, Jessie, this is exciting. I think this is the first time we have ever offered a job on the show as a prize. Right, Al? Oops, I forgot. That's how you got your job, wasn't it? AL: I also had to run down Main Street at night in my pajama bottoms. STEVE: Yeah, that was "Initiation Night". Lots of laughs. How long have you been with the show now? A year? AL: I hope Jessie wins a co-host spot so I can take a weekend off every now and then. STEVE: (whispering to Al) Then we better make this an easy question... |
| AL: YOUR RIGHT AND THE QUESTION IS... WHAT DID I JUST SAY BEFORE I SAID THIS BEFORE THAT BEFORE THIS? JESSIE *eye twitches* AL: Okay, I intend to actually NOT lose my limbs, and thus...a digga...a digga... a digga digga...SECURITY! JESSIE: *opens mouth to reveal an abnormally sharp and long set of teeth* AL: I SAID SECURITY SECURITY GAURDS: *cowering in fear on the wall* AL: Crap. |
| STEVE: Say... Uh, Jessie, you might be a little too violent for us to work comfortably with_ JESSIE: (grabbing Steve's collar) What! Violent?! I'm a pacifist. STEVE: (muttering) You got the "fist" part all right... JESSIE: Now, listen, Stevie, you said if I answered the question then I get the job, right? (tightens grip on Steve's neck) STEVE: ..urk ...choke ...gasp ...Can you let me go, please? JESSIE: *let's Steve go and grins* Yayyy! I got the job! STEVE: (rubbing neck) Huh? JESSIE: You asked me a question and I answered it, so I get the job! STEVE: What question? JESSIE: "Can you let me go, please?" Remember? Heeheehee... AL: She did answer the question. STEVE: Al, she's as sneaky as you are. *grins* She oughta fit right in! |
STEVE: Glad to have you with us, Jessie. Don't mind Al. Sometimes he has trouble adjusting to change. So, Jessie... How about introducing our next contestant? |
| *****NOTE**** This is malach ha-mavis. My account got deleted for some reason or other and this is my new one. Glad to be back, but what happened to Al? :( I roleplayed him for a 1 1/2 months and he gets the boot? WHAT! Just kidding RHODE ISLANDERS: WHAT'S THE QUESTION? STEVE: *covering ears and shouting* WHY ARE YOU SO LOUD? RHODE ISLANDERS: BECAUSE WE'RE ALL SPEAKING AT ONCE, DUH! AL I MEAN JESSIE, I MEAN AL, I ME--WHA!: I don't LIKE rude people. *Shows teeth* RHODE ISLANDERS: M-m-m-UH! MUHMUHMUHMUHMUH! ONE OF US! ONE OF US! ONE OF US! JALSSIE (AL/JESSIE): NO! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FIENDS! |
| STEVE: Okay! Everybody step back, take a deep breath and look underneath your seats. There you will find our "In Case Of Emergency" kits. Please open them and take out the small pill labeled PROZAC. Swallow it. Everybody feel better now? AUDIENCE: Yes, Steve. We are in a good place now and our minds are at ease. STEVE: Good. Now let's figure out how to separate "Jalssie" back into Al and Jessie. And then let's call NASA and the CIA in to figure out how this could have happened in the first place. |
| "Wait!" The fire truck carreens onto the stage, hitting cameras 7, 8, 12 and 27. There are no surviors. But who cares? On with the show! |
STEVE: Fire truck? Hey! Who called the fire department? I specifically requested the CIA. JALSSIE: Steve, the CIA doesn't make house calls. And Steve? STEVE: What? JALSSIE: (grabbing Steve by the collar) If you think we are going to let this maniac doctor with a butcher knife separate us back into Al and Jessie then you are out of your freaking mind! RHODE ISLANDERS: What do we win? STEVE: Shut up! How can you think about prizes at a time like this? Can't you see we have a problem here, Houston? RHODE ISLANDERS: We're not Texans, Steve. We want our prizes. STEVE: I'll give you prizes... (Steve runs toward audience with fists up but Jalssie grabs him) JALSSIE: Chill, Steve. Just give them some CrackerJacks and get me a real doctor. MANIAC DOCTOR: What? I'm not a real doctor? You want to see my license? RHODE ISLANDERS: CrackerJacks is popcorn, WE WANT REAL PRIZES! STEVE: Security! |
| SECURITY: HUT HUT HUT--AHHHH! *scream as ENTIRE STATE OF RHODE ISLAND knocks them over* RHODE ISLANDERS: YAY! WEEEEEEEEEE WIIIINNNN!!! SECURITY: *suddenly realizes how small the entire state of RHODE ISLAND is* OOOKKKK OOOOOKK!!! *GIVES THEM SUPER-CHOZO-MEGA-AWESOME-CRAZY PUNCH THREE TIMES* YAGLAHGLHADEIEYYYEIE! AYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! AYYEEEE! KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL! YEESSSS YESSSS!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! JALLSIE: *shudders:* |
STEVE: All right, calm down people. Oh good, the paramedics are here. There she is. [Paramedics take away Jallsie.] STEVE: Folks, you'll be glad to know that Jallsie is on her, or his, way to a rehab clinic where he, or she, will be separated out into AL and Jessie by trained professional people splitters. Now you might be wondering how I am going to do the show alone... but I am NOT going to do the show alone. We have a special guest host tonight. Someone that you all know and love. Let's give a big hand for... [Audience goes wild when they see who walks out on stage. They applaud and cheer and scream out "Yayhoodles!"] |
| Helga: HELGA! Helga jumps on stage. Helga: I love you steve! I'll do the show with you! And guess what? I lost weight just for this moment to jump up on stage and claim my road to staarrrhood! Steve: Was this.. planned? Helga: Nope! Roo walks behind curtains. Roo: Hi everyone... Helga: No! Roo hands Helga complimentary sunglasses and slimfast. Helga: But.. but.. Roo: I paid twenty dollars for those sunglasses! I hope your happy with them. Helga storms of stage. Steve: And that's the Roo we all know and love! Or at least know! Roo: Hey!! |
| *Jessie and Al at the pizza place* AL: Two plain slices please. PIZZA GUY: (speaking in broken English--no offence) Certaintly. *Jessie and Al sit down at table* *Jessie takes bite of slice* JESSIE: OW OW! IT BUURRNNSS! NOOOOOO! *goes up in burst of flame* PIZZA GUY: *slowly steps away from the oven* AL: NOOOO! JESSIE! I pretty much never knew you but this needs drama so who caressssss!!!!! GASP! I KNOW WHAT I SHALL DO! *walks up to oven* AL: OVEN! I AM GOING TO FILE A LAWSUIT AGAINST YOU! OVEN:... AL: WHY YOU ASK? WELL YOU MADE THE PIZZA TOO HOT AND BURNED HER! OVEN:... AL: *walks over to pizza guy* AND PIZZA GUY! I'M GOING TO DO THE SAME TO YOU FOR PROVOKING THE OVEN'S FIERY WRATH! RANDOM LAWYER: I'M A LAWYER! I CAN TAK-Er GIVE YOU MONEY FOR THAT! AL: SWEETNESS! LAWYER: *gives cushy and comepletely un-chic smile to Al* Certaintly. MUAHAHAHAHAHA! AL: What was that? LAWYER: Nothing, nothing. [INTERJECTION]: I don't mean to be offensive towards lawyers. I DO mean to poke fun at my government. (Country starts with an "A"...big superpower...) |
STEVE: Next contestant, please! ROO: Coming right up! Here he is - Englebert Humperdink! STEVE: Not THE Englebert Humperdink?! ENGLE_: No, of course not. I'm just a guy who has the same name. STEVE: Oh. ... Gee, I wouldn't think that name was so common. ENGLE_: Are you calling me "common"? STEVE: No, I meant... Nevermind. What's the question, Roo? ROO: Okay, Engle-whatever-your-weird-name-is, the question is name a big superpower country that starts with the letter 'A'... ENGLE_: Huh? Starts with 'A'? There isn't one... Argentina? STEVE: Hahahaha! Good one, Englebutt! But it's not really a SUPERpower, is it? ENGLE: Austria? STEVE: Austria? Is there still a counrtry called Austria? I think you're just dinking your humper, now, Engleboob. ENGLE_: Hey! ROO: Oh, just get rid of him, Steve. I haven't been back two turns and I'm bored already. I need some blackberry jelly, aome Peter Pan peanut butter, and a couple of slices of Captain John Durst's Oldfashioned bread. Well, Steve? STEVE: Uh... I'll see what I can find in the pantry. Keep the show going... |
| ENGLE: Can you just tell me the answer? ROO: America. ENGLE: Do I still win something? ROO: I don't have anymore sunglasses. Why don't you go the front office and submit a "I didn't get a prize" form and we'll send you something the mail. ENGLE: God bless America! *walks offstage* *Roo stares at audience, not sure of what to say.* ROO: Yeah... what's the deal with... raaain. Yeah, rain. We think we've used all of it but there's always more. RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER: Were we supposed to laugh? ROO: I don't know. Don't you guys ever read the applause signs? RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER: Go aww! *Steve comes running back, noticing a low level of excitement in the audience members except for that one random person, realizing that Roo needs a sugar high.* |
| SUDDENLY JESSIE EXPLODES! THE END! Now back to Al... AL: Well, glad that's over with... back to the studio... (I'm much better now people, now back to being my usual semi-creative self) VOICE FROM HEAVEN: Al! What did I tell you about exploding major characters? AL: (trembling) Jessie is a major character? VOICE: Yes, Al. Would you like to explode and have "THE END" imprinted over your fading image? AL: No, sir! VOICE: Alright,then, here's how it's going down. That whole "Jessie explodes" thing was a dream sequence. Understand? AL: Yes, sir. VOICE: When you wake up, things will be back to normal and, just for future use, do not kill off Jessie, Steve, Roo, or yourself. Got that? AL: Yes. I'm really sorry about... VOICE: Forget it. Just keep posting, stay happy, and stay alive. |
| JUANITTA: Well, honey, I'm just trying to keep you safe from weirdoes. ROO: That was no weirdo! That was... Okay, so Steve is a weirdo, but he's a GOOD weirdo! JUANITTA: You kids with your strange attitudes and your pierced buttocks. ROO: Mom! Nobody pierces their buttocks! Did you come here just to make my life miserable? |
| Juanitta: Of course not, dear. But I heard you like nose rings! Roo: Yes I do! How did you know??? |
| AL:Wait...oh yeah the dream sequence. JESSIE:Come again? AL:Y'see, the guy who controls my thoughts, actions, and emotions, made me file a lawsuit against the oven, in an attempt to make fun of his government. JESSIE:... AL: Yeah, and then you exploded and had the end imprinted all over your fading image, but a voice told me it was all a dream sequence...so I went to sleep. JESSIE: 0_o AL: Yeah, you see, we actually have one person controlling everything we feel et cetera, because it's this guys turn to add to the story. JESSIE: So he could suddenly make my teeth grow enough to rip you to--er...CHEW ANY MEAT? AL: Yep JESSIE: *teeth suddenly grow ultra sharp* OH YEAH! MUAHAHAHAHA! AL *backing away sweating* Don't try anything crazy. *hears Steve's voice saying "Don't show fear fear fear fear* AL: SHUT UP STEVE I'M TRYING TO RUN HERE! *breaks into a sprint* STEVE: K, you got it, just trying to help. |
| *AL comes running into studio with Jessie chasing him...* STEVE: Whoa! Slow down, kids. What's all the excitement? AL: Jessie is trying to bite me! JESSIE: I can't help it. The bad man made my teeth grow sharp and now I want to BITE someone! Grrrrr! ROO: Uhhh... Back, tiger. I don't need teeth marks on my arms. STEVE: Calm down, Jessie. Just because your teeth are sharp doesn't mean you HAVE to bite somebody, does it? JESSIE: (breathing deeply, trying to calm down) No... I guess not. OUCH! ROO: What happened? JESSIE: I bit my tongue! AL: She's so stupid. JESSIE: Grrrrrrr! |
| STEVE: BWAHAHA! LOSER! Nyah nyah nya--AHWAHTWHOZAWHAXIGS!!!??!?!?!!EXCLAIMATIONMARK!!!F0RTY-TWO!!!!!! AL: ... ROO ........... AL: ................................ ROO: Al, shut up and don't shut up and make awkward silences! AL: Yes ma'am... ROO: What the FROGTOAD are you doing? GET IN THERE AND HELP STEVE! |
STEVE: A chase! Let's get him! [Everybody is running after the food thief who can run really fast and leap over chairs. What is he? An olympic hurdler?] STEVE: (gasping for breath)Damn! He got away! [Two of the show's writers walk up to Steve with frowns on their faces] STEVE: Oh, hello, Juan and Malach. You guys missed all the excitement. MALACH: That's what we want to talk to you about, Steve. We're tired of working backstage creating all the situations and never getting any of the fame. You and Roo are onstage with your own names all the time while we sit in the back like slaves cranking out the scripts. We want to be in the show, too. STEVE: (looking closely at the two writers) And you, Juan? That's what you want, too? Your name in lights? JUAN: (looking down at floor) Well, yes, I guess so. That's what Malach says we should do. STEVE: So what's the big deal? You're writers. Write yourselves in. MALACH: Are you serious? STEVE: Of course! You think I enjoy being the target of all the stalkers and murder threats? Come on and share the fame! No incrwease in pay, though... JUAN: (looking happier now) Aw, don't worry about that, Steve. It's not about the money. (turns toward Malach) We're gonna be famous! |
| MALACH: True. Very true. STEVE: What? JUAN: Nothing MALACH: Zip it both of you. *suddenly a zipper appears. Juan and Steve find themselves unable to talk* STEVE: MMMMMMUMMOOO! MALACH: Well, I AM a writer...I can do anything I want. Wait a minute...SO CAN JUAN AND STEVE! Gulp. *zippers suddenly break* STEVE AND JUAN: *summon fireballs* MALACH: Okay...I'll be a character then...slash writer. Just without the omnipotent powers. It's just something that occured to me...sorry. Juan will do the same...RIGHT JUAN??? Juan: Yes mas--Malach. STEVE: So...if we're just characters, why aren't our hands burning? MALACH: *looks at Juan rolling on ground in agony* About that... |
JANET: Oh thank you, thank you! Can I have your autograph? STEVE: Sure! I'll just sign one of these big photos of me. Here you are. JUAN: Here. I don't have a photo, but I'll sign your book. ROO: Me too. MALACH: And me. JANET: Goodness! This is wonderful. I'll put these up for sale on Ebay as soon as we get back from our trip. STEVE: And that's the end of the show, folks! Come back tomorrow and we'll do it again! AUDIENCE: Yaayyyy!!! STEVE: Who wants to eat a sub with me at Quizno's? I'm starving. Juan? Roo? Malach? |
| MALACH: Yum...toasty. JUAN: What's Quizzno's? MALACH: I have no idea. I just felt like saying that. STEVE: PMG QUIZZNO'S ISH LIEK TEH ULTIMATE TOASTY SUB PLACE!!!111111oneoneoneelventyseven????!111////fortyowo?! JUAN: Alright then Steve, you can just go the-- AL/JESSIE: One second...we still exist right? STEVE(sullenly): Oh it's you. AL: A DOY! We lost the court case, so we decided to come back here pleading for help. MALACH: That court thing was a one-time gag Al! You're not SUPPOSED to come back. We replaced you! JUAN: M & J>A &J kthxbai. JESSIE: WHAT??? NOOO! *suddenly a trap door opens and Jessie falls to her doom* AL: JESSIE NOOO! YOU WILL PAAAY FOR WHA--*fzap* JUAN: You create some WIERD things from imagination Malach STEVE: OMFG TY TY TY TY!!@!!!!111111 MALACH: Uhm...K, Steve can go to Quizzno's and we'll meet him in an hour JUAN: No we're not Malach, aren't we going to that Coney Island place you keep talking about? MALACH: Shut up Juan...We're not going ANYWHERE! *cough* We're going to Coney Island remember? *cough* Sorry, I'm a bit sick...maybe I should umm...go to a really cool place called Coney Island with Juan and calm my nerves. STEVE: kk bb l8er. |
STEVE: Why don't we share our meal with the audience? AUDIENCE: Yaayyyy! MALACH: Steve! Three subs divided among 300 people? That's going to be mighty small portions, isn't it? JUAN: It's the thought that counts. MALACH: What kind of thought is that? Here, people, take my sub I just paid five bucks for. That's not a good thought. That's a dumb thought. STEVE: You're pretty hungry, aren't you? MALACH: Yes I am. |
| *long awkward silence* *munching sounds* *more silence* *ZOMG what is with all this silence??///backslahsh??))* *Anyway...* JUAN: Uhm...I'm bored. VOICE: BLASPHEMER! STEVE: Come again? MALACH: I didn't say anything! STEVE: No, I'm talking to the mysterious voice JUAN: What? SECURITY! We've got another one. MALACH: Oh, you mean one of THOSE. Yeah. JUAN: Security hurry it up here!! |
VOICE: I come to avenge the wrongfully treated victims of your overly-aggressive behavior. I come to punish you for your past crimes and misdemeanors. You must die! Prepare to meet your fate, for today is the last day of your life! STEVE: I'm outta here! So long, boys! ROO: Wait for me, Steve! VOICE: You first, little female demon. A mysterious force knocks down Roo and she lies unconscious. |
| HA-MAVIS: Whoa whoa WHOA HOLD UP HERE. Ha-mavis MEANS "The Angel of Death". I'm the star of the whole death thing here. So if anyone is gonna be punished, they'll be punished by MOI. But...what have we done wrong anyway? VOICE: I don't know, I'm just here for suspence. HA-MAVIS: Really? VOICE: Naw, not really. *Ha-mavis (MEANING FINALLY REVEALED OMGWTFBBQ) falls to the groud* VOICE: MUAHAHAHHA--doh! JUAN: *puts down hammer and steps out from behind curtain* So...that's over now. Whaddaya guys wanna do? ALL: *waking up* Who are we? Why are we here? Who are you? AUIDIENCE: Stop kidding around! ALL: Alrighty sheesh. Let's get on with the show. |
VOICE: Hey! It's dark down here! JUAN: Too bad. Serves you right for being evil. HA-MAVIS: Are you afraid of the dark? Nyaa nana naa naaa! VOICE: That's not nice guys. I was only kidding with that "Prepare to meet your doom!" stuff. Come on. Let me out of here. STEVE: Sorry. Once an evil voice, always an evil voice. I cannot believe you suddenly turned into a goddy-goody just because it's dark down there. VOICE: I hear noises, too. STEVE: Probably just rats. VOICE: Rats!? Come on! Let me out! |
STEVE: Hello down there! Can you hear me? VOICE: ... STEVE: Did the rats eat you? VOICE: ... STEVE: I don't know. What do you think, Juan? I don't want to go down and look. It might be a trap. Maybe the VOICE is just pretending to be dead and then he would jump up and kill me? I get nervous about things like that. Why don't you go down and take a look? VOICE: Yeah, send down Juan. He's my friend. |
| *Europa appears out of nowhere with a "pop"* EUROPA:...correctly, I should end up somewhere on Venus, near the nothern pole.....oh....crap. VOICE: Why, hello there, stranger. EUROPA: Uh-oh, not you again...I thought we said last time that it was finished between us? I got you what you wanted fair and square, and that was the end of it for good. I'm not going back to that again.... I MEAN.... Hello strange voice that I have had no past involvement with, in a place that is not Venus... |
VOICE: Why don't you all come down here and have a drink with me? STEVE: Do you have any Sierra Mist? VOICE: Whatever you want. Come on down. STEVE: You guys know the Voice better than I do. In fact, I sense previous emotional commitments, fun times, arguments, reunions, separations, a whole long history with the Voice that I just don't have. So I think you guys should go down there first. Right? EUROPA: I have a previous appointment on Venus. VOICE: Oh no you don't. I have created a warp in time so that this moment will last forever -- unless you COME DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW! JUAN: Forever? Geez! I don't want to be stuck here forever. EUROPA: So go down and talk to the Voice. He likes you. Talk him into letting us go back to normal time. |
| EUROPA: Venuuuuuuuuuus! JUAN: I don't even know why he doesn't trust me! EUROPA: Veeeeenuuuuuuuuus! STEVE: Guys! Come on down! Europa! I found Venus! EUROPA: Venus? Venus! (Europa goes to dive down below, but Juan grabs her arm) JUAN: No, Europa! You know the Voice as well as I do! You know he's probably already mindwashed Steve and is now using him as his loyal servant! EUROPA: Aw. But, venus. (Juan slaps Europa's face) JUAN: Snap out of it Europa! EUROPA: Ouch. Thanks. I needed that. So, what are we going to do? STEVE: Believe the Voice. Europa, Juan, come on... there's unicorns down here! (Europa and Juan exchange looks as they hear Steve giggling and crying out "wheeeeeeee!") |
EUROPA: Real unicorns?! What do they look like? STEVE: They're beautiful! They're pink and they have curly tails and cute little snouts. JUAN: Snouts? That doesn't sound like a unicorn, Steve. STEVE: Oh.... The Voice said they were unicorns. JUAN: Why doesn't the Voice speak for itself? EUROPA: Yeah, what happened to the Voice? VOICE: Geez! I can't rest my voice for a second? And I'm ALL voice so I need LOTS of rest! You're so ungrateful! EUROPA: Huh? What have we got to be grateful about? You've got us trapped in this stupid TimeWarp and you're trying to push off pigs on us as unicorns. I'll bet you don't have Venus down there, either! |
| VOICE: Well actually, I do have Venus, yeah, she's down here too. [Steve pops his head up out of the hole] STEVE: No kidding! He really does have Venus down here! The Goddess of Luuuuuurve! [Disappears back down the whole to which a girls voice is heard] VENUS: Don't Steve! [giggles] Steve, stop it! EUROPA: Oh. My. God. JUAN: Ew... don't wanna know Steve. Now, about these unicorns, still got their horns I presume? STEVE: Yeah, why? JUAN: Oh nothing... [Lights dim, all actors freeze on stage and a spot light shines on EUROPA as she steps out towards the audience] EUROPA: Juan's story is a sad one. You see, he thought he'd go to the bullfighting with his papa one day, and when papa wasn't looking he strode into the ring, just to make him proud. Papa! Miras! See that scar on his leg? His life was never the same again. [Spot light disappears, lights brighten again and the game show continues] |
[Lights dim, all actors freeze on stage and a spot light shines on JUAN as he steps out towards the audience] JUAN: I don't know what THAT was about. I live in New York. I probably couldn't tell the difference between a bull and a cow. Okay, maybe I could do that. But I definitely cannot fight with a bull. With a cow, I might take my best shot, but the bull he is too beeg and strong. [Spot light disappears, lights brighten again and the show continues] VENUS: Eeeek! Oh, Stevie! I never saw one like that before! Are you a unicorn? VOICE: Europa? I have a can of L&P down here... Eu-roooo-pa... Come on down, Europa... You'll like it in the Lair of the Voice... Eu-rooooo-paaaa... JUAN: [singing and marching around] I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy, a Yankee Doodle do or die... EUROPA: These jandals are too tight. If they don't loosen up I just might have to whack them. [A hush falls over the auditorium. The voice of a small child is heard in the audience...] CHILD: Mommy? Is she going to whack her jandals? [A loud slap is heard, then the sound of a crying child.] MOM: {very harsh] What did I tell you about that fresh mouth of yours? |
EUROPA: [staring out at the audience] Now that was just wrong, wrong I tell you. VOICE: What? She has jandals? OH GOD, nobody told me that? Nooooooo Europa don't come down here, you won't like it, I swear you won't! |
EUROPA: Aha! We're not a big bad Voice now, are we? Scared of some jandals? [Europa dangles her jandals over the edge of the pit from whence ariseth the sound of the Voice] VOICE: NO! Noooooo! Keep them away from me! JUAN: ...a real live nephew of my Uncle Sam... VENUS: Oh, Stevie! EUROPA: Mwahahahahaha! [prertends like she is going to throw a jandal at the Voice] VOICE: Aiiieeeee! |
| Audience: Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! *punching hand into air!* Steve AAAAAH the audience has gone psychotic! |
EUROPA: Hahaha stupid Voice, not so brave now are we? Ooooh look out here comes the big scary jandals oooooh here they come here they come here they cooooooooooooome [T.R.I.P] uh-oh... [Europa falls into the hole, flailing] EUROPA: Wait! Let me do that again! I wasn't ready, I know I can do a waaaaay better fall than that! [She climbs up a ladder behind the sets and runs across the stage back over to the hole where she does an awesome slow-motion fall back inside] EUROPA: The pain was sooo worth it. Um... I don't think I can move and OH MY GOD STEVE WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? |
STEVE: Huh? What? Oh, hello. Didn't expect you to drop in so unexpectedly. Uh, that will be all, Venus. I have a visitor. Yes, yes, we'll finish waxing your horn later. Unless Europa is into horn waxing? EUROPA: Ewwwwwwwwwww... *spit* STEVE: I guess not... VENUS: Hmph! VOICE: Ah, the lovely Europa makes her appearance in my Den of Love. EUROPA: Get away from me you disembodied invisible voice, wherever you are. Hey! How can you make love if you are invisible? Whoops! Who just pinched me? Steve? STEVE: Not me. I'm way over here. EUROPA: Whoops! Voice! You better stop that! VOICE: Ah, my little apple dumpling, your cheeks are so plump and ripe. EUROPA: Steeeeeeeve! Make it stop! AUDIENCE: [chanting] We came for a quiz show! Where is the quiz show? We came for a quiz show! Where is the quiz show? [Audience stamps feet in time with their chanting] We came for a quiz show! Where is the quiz show? AL: People! People, please! Settle down! The show will go on! The show MUST go on, because this is SHOW business, and we WILL have a quiz show! Just please stop chanting and stomping and throwing things! Ouch! Please! Ouch! Ouch! |
VOICE: Oh, but come on, my darling, you will make such a wonderful little possum, all I need to do is mould you a little bit. *pinch pull pinch pull pinch* EUROPA: OW! Quit that! OW! You stupid- OW! Voice! Steve get me outta here! STEVE: I'm having problems of my own here... [continues trying to rub wax over Venus's horn] VENUS: You can't stop yet. You need to keep going or you'll feel what this horn is really like! |
EUROPA: ARGH!! I'm way too young for this! It's like... stuff!! Ya know!! [spends the next half hour trying to teleport out of the place while being pinched by an invisible... thing.] |
AL: [yelling down into the pit] Hey! Steve! Europa! The show! The audience is getting restless! EUROPA: Get me outta here! My teleport efforts are futile. AL: You have a wonderful vocabulary, Europa. EUROPA: Stop it, Al. I'm not going out with you. AL: What if I can get you out of the pit? EUROPE: Hmmm.... The Voice? Or Al?... Sorry, Al, it would just be the lesser of two evils and I can't decide which of you is more annoying. VOICE: My little poopsie pie, you don't think that I am annoying, do you? EUROPA: Get away! VENUS: Stee-eve... Why does she yell so much? STEVE: She doesn't like the Voice and his oily advances. VENUS: Stevie, you are so MACHO! STEVE: Heeheehee... AL: Come on, guys! The show? |
| Audience starts stomping feet and clapping yelling out "WE WANT STEVE! WE WANT STEVE! WE WANT STEVE!" Steve: I think I'm needed out there, but what about what's going on in here? I.. (looks around room nervously) I Europha & AL: For christs sakes Steve get that audience to calm down! |
STEVE: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the second season of What Can You Win! AUDIENCE: Yaaaayyyyyyyy! You go, girl! STEVE: Hey! Watch that stuff! This ain't the Oprah Show. AUDIENCE: Awwwwww, shucks! [audience checks ticket stubs and half of them get up and leave] STEVE: Al? Who's our first contestant? AL: Where's the prize girl? STEVE: Europa? She's in a pit talking with a disembodied voice. I'm sure she'll be here in a moment. Now, WHO is the first contestant? AL: Steve, all the way from Auckland, New Zealand we have miss Eliandor Wiggleby, a part-time sheap shearer. STEVE: Welcome, Eliandor! How's the weather in New Zealand today? |
ELIANDOR: It's choice aye. AL: GREEEEEEEEAAAAAAT!! And how are the sheeps? ELIANDOR: It's sheep Al, not sheeps. They're primo. Um, can I go now, still got a lot of shearing and docking to get done. [Eliandor leaves the stage and Europa reappears] EUROPA: Prize girl? PRIZE GIRL? Is that all you see me as now Steve?? PRIZE GIRL??? |
STEVE: Um, no, of course not, um... AL: Let's have our next contestant, and of course Eliandor won't be going home empty handed, there is a truck waiting to take her back to the farm for the very LONG journey home, and if she stays in the truck the whole time, it's hers. STEVE: Good for her! EUROPA: You didn't answer my question! STEVE: And lets get our next contestant up here... AL: Yes, we welcome Jack the Ripper. Nice to see you Jack. Jack, where did I hear that name before? JACK: I like killing people in my spare time, care to see how I do it? *he produces a knife in one hand and a gun in the other* STEVE: This guy wasn't such a good idea Al! AL: It's not my fault. It's your bloody contestants! |
STEVE: Fortunately, everyone's a winner at WHAT CAN YOU WIN? Even serial killers. So what do we have for Mister Ripper, Europa? EUROPA: Hmmpf! STEVE: Europa? Prize girl! Wake up! It's prize time! We're not paying you to sulk. EUROPA: [sulks] STEVE: Okay, Miss Frost, no pay for you this week. EUROPA: [sulks harder] JACK: I'm still waiting for my prize. {loads gun, sharpens knife] AL: We better give him his prize, Steve... Quickly! STEVE: [with smoke coming from ears] Europa! Stop sulking and give Jack his prize! Now! |
EUROPA: Oh, ALRIGHT already! Jack the Ripper, let's take a look at what you have won! A human sacrifice! And here's one that I prepared earlier, I think you'll find it quite a tasty treat. It's your very own Steve Ellen, pre-stabbed and pre-bound to a chair with ropes, but wait, that's not all! We'll even throw in a free really ridiculously adhesive piece of tape for you to gag him with, including the special effect of really hurting when you violently rip it off! JACK: Ooooooh woah, this was totally worth it. So... he's like, legally mine now, right? |
AL: Hold on there, Prize Girl! I think I have seniority here. [unties Steve] STEVE: Miss Frost, your behavior is inexcusable! EUROPA: Well excuuuuuuse me! STEVE: Alright, you're excused, but don't leave the building after you've done your business. The little girl's room is right down that hall... or if you have to do The Big Thing then the ladies room is on the other end of the building. EUROPA: What the heck are you talking about? AL: Don't question Steve, Prize Girl! He is our Supreme Leader and what he says is the Truth! EUROPA: I have a name. It's Europa. Use it, tubby. AL: I am NOT fat! JACK: I'm getting impatient and I have weapons. EUROPA: Oh shut up! I tried to give you a prize but Fat Boy here butted in. AL: I AM NOT FAT! And you can't give Steve as a prize. That's just not right. STEVE: Look, Jack, a birdie! [Steve holds up hands and flaps fingers like a birdie] AL: Steve has spoken! Heed his words! JACK: Hmmm... Now who shall I kill first... EUROPA: I'll be in one of those rooms if anybody needs me... STEVE: Security! SECURITY: Ye-e-e-e-e-ssssss? STEVE: Remove this "Ripper" character, please. He's been an unpleasant contestant. AUDIENCE: No-o-o-o-oooo! We're getting into this! STEVE: Maybe the Ripper should off one of youse guys? AUDIENCE: Gulp! STEVE: Yeah! Not so brave now, are you? AUDIENCE: We think we're so frightened we might pee in our pants. STEVE: What? All together, simultaneously? That would make a great circus act. AUDIENCE: We used to BE in a circus! STEVE: Really? And that's where you all learned to talk together in unison like that? AUDIENCE: No, that was in third grade, Steve. You know... "Good morning, Mrs Jackson!" STEVE: Hey, I had Mrs Jackson for third grade, too. Did you go to Westside Elementary? AUDIENCE: Steve, we think you're drifting... STEVE: Huh? Oh yeah... the show. Al! AL: Yes, master? STEVE: Who is our NEXT contestant? |
| AL: Our next contestant comes all the way from a land far, far away. Let's welcome Shrek and his wife Fiona SHREK: Thank you, thank you, hold the applause. I'm here till Thursday. Sign the veal. STEVE: Veal? What veal? When can I sign? AL: Steve, shouldn't we try to get to the prize? STEVE: But I want to sign the veal! |
AL: Do you have a meat pen? STEVE: A meat pen? ...? No... Can I borrow yours? AL: Don't touch my meat pen, Steve. STEVE: Europa? EUROPA: Don't look at ME! I ain't got no meat pen. STEVE: Why you talkin' like that? EUROPA: Why YOU talkin' like that? STEVE: No, why YOU talkin' like that? AL: Girls! Girls! Let's not bicker and fuss. STEVE: She started it. AL: It takes two to have an argument. EUROPA: It takes three to have a quarrel. STEVE: Hahaha! Good one, Europa! EUROPA: Thanks! Sometimes you're not so difficult to get along with. STEVE: Awwwww... You can be so sweet sometimes. AL: I think I liked it better when you were arguing. STEVE: Let's quarrel with AL. EUROPA: Yeah! SHREK: Excuse me? Am I just a piece of scenery to be shunted aside and ignored while you egocentric show people have your own little meaningless conversation going on? STEVE: Ooooooo... somebody feels slighted... EUROPA: Hard to overlook that big green ogre... STEVE: Hahahahaha! He's almost as fat as Al. AL: I am NOT fat! |
SHREK: This is something that I learned to be able to do back in the 60's. [Shrek ROARS] FIONA: Honey, I think you need some ticktacks. Donkey is right. Your breath is certainly starting to stink. [Donkey wanders into the room] DONKEY: Shrek, I thought we were going to get some prizes from these people? STEVE: I know, I know, I just thought I'd sign the veal for Shrek. That's what he said or at least that's what it sounded like. Now, where is my meat pen? I'm sure I left it around here somewhere... Maybe it's back stage? |
[Steve goes backstage where he sees Goofy sprawled on the floor] STEVE: Goofy! What are YOU doing here? GOOFY: Huh? Shucks, I'm just looking at the show. STEVE: But you're on the wrong side of the curtain. Why don't you sit in the audience? GOOFY: Hyuk! Hyuk! Sure, I can do that. STEVE: You don't have a meat pen, do you? GOOFY: Nooo, I don't think I do. What is it? STEVE: I need one to sign the veal. Nevermind. Go enjoy the show. |
| GOOFY: Hyuk! Hyuk! Come on guys steve wants us to join the show. MICKEY: Oh dear Goofy are you sure he meant all of us? GOOFY: Hyuk yes of course! Hyuk! [with that Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Minnie Mouse, Goofy and Pluto all go and sit in the audience] SHREK: Where's my prizes? Steve dont' worry about signing the veal, Fiona wants her prizes and I'm feeling hungry I might just eat this here veal! |
| [same as Juan A. B] Juan:(pointing stage right) Hey Shrek! There's a donkey-eating wolf outside! Shrek:(Irish accent) So whut? Let Donnkay git eetin! Fiona: Shrek! Juan: You know you sound like a retard, right? (to Goofy) Say if Europa gave you a hug, can we get year-passes to DisneyLand? Goofy: Aw shucks, you'd do that for me? (kisses Juan on cheek) Juan: Please! I don't go like that. (pushes Goofy) Europa: Never, ever, ever, ever, ever! Juan: (whispers into Goofy's ear) Goofy: Hyuk! Hyuk! Hey Prize Girl! Think you can beat my killer Bear Hug. (cracks up) Europa: ALRIGHT! THAT'S IT! (squeezes Goofy) Steve: YAH! Disney, here we come! |
GOOFY: Can you whisper in muh ear again, Juan? That tickled. JUAN: I told you I don't go like that! GOOFY: Well, how do ya go? JUAN: Differently. EUROPA: [grabbing Juan's arm} He goes MY way! STEVE: Nobody goes YOUR way. EUROPA: [sticks tongue out at Steve} You don't even HAVE a way! STEVE: No way! I got a way. AL: What's a henway? STEVE: Huh? AL: About 3 pounds. Hahahahaha! GOOFY: Hyuk! Hyuk! |
EUROPA: Come on Juan, let's go everywhichway. STEVE: But I want to go that way too. JUAN: No Steve, you go the other way. STEVE:Hey Europa, that's waaaaaaay out of line. EUROPA: Good, you stay off the line and that's the way to go. JUAN: I'm getting waaaaaay sick of standing here! Europa, hurry, we've got stuff to do. EUROPA: Yeah, the gingerbread man is expecting us in about half an hour, anyway. STEVE: Guys... I don't even know where the line IS now... I think I'm way off! JUAN: That guy is starting to rub me up the wrong way, I tell you! EUROPA: .....Ew....Juan?.... JUAN: Hahah, you should have seen the way you were looking at me just then! Sheesh Europa, I was just kidding. EUROPA: Haha, that was way too easy. [pulls on Juan's arm and drags him off towards the gingerbread man's spy base.... I mean... home.] |
STEVE: Surely there must be a line? Where's the line? [starts racing around] I drew it somewhere around here [goes backstage] but I can't find it. Al have you seen a line? AL: Yeah I know that you're fine so get back on stage! STEVE: Yeah I should do that, shouldn't I? AUDIENCE: Where's the prizes, where's the prizes, wheres the prizes? [Steve starts throwing snake lollies into the crowd] STEVE: And everyone gets a free lolly! [notices a boy passes out] BOY'S MOTHER: Thanks a lot, Steve. Did you know that my son is diabetic? You coulda just killed him! STEVE: Then how about I make a prize of a free coffin! Show them the lovely coffin I've got for them, Al |
AL: Steve, you're out of control. STEVE: No, I'm not! No, I'm not! Woooooooo! AL: Steve! [slaps Steve's face} STEVE: I suppose you think now I'm going to say "Thanks, I needed that"? AL: Aren't you? STEVE: No! I'm going to say "You're fired!" AL: Wha-? STEVE: For hitting the boss. AL: Who made you the boss? STEVE: Somebody has to be the boss. AL: It doesn't have to be YOU. STEVE: It has to be SOMEBODY, and it's not YOU, so it must be ME. Right? AL: Uh... maybe. Are you really going to fire me? STEVE: I guess not. It's hard to find help. AL: Um... don't turn around. STEVE: Why not? AL: It's the mother of the diabetic boy who ate the snake lolly and went into convulsions and she seems to have become so angry that she's about to explode. STEVE: Explode? [there is a loud KA-BOOM! and Steve and Al are knocked to the ground] STEVE: Wow! AL: I know. It seem like something that could only happen in a movie, doesn't it? STEVE: The odd part to me is how you predicted it. AL: I'm a little bit psychic that way. STEVE: Can you read my mind? AL: If it was better written... STEVE: I wrote it myself! [smiles proudly] AL: Do you ever wonder what all the other characters in here, like Goofy, Juan, Europa, and Alex are up to when we get off on one of our little "conversations"? STEVE: Yes, I do. Very much so. Since you're psychic, maybe you can tell me. |
| Al: Well Alex and Europa are arguing about makeup back stage, Goofy and Juan are talking about Mickey mouse. Steve [looking back stage] Wow you really are psychic Al: You could say that, so do I get to keep my job? Steve: Why not..and welcome to the amazing Al show does anyone need a psychic? [someone from the audience races on stage places two stools in the middle and leaves dunce caps on both of our hosts then takes his seat again, amazingly this was the same boy that had just past out.] Boy [taking the mike]: That woman was always giving me trouble. All I needed was a shot of insulin, which this lovely lady gave to me..stand up will you please? [Bette Midler stands up amongst the crowd] Steve: But you don't have diabeties do you? Bette: No..but one of my husbands did. |
| STEVE: Which one? JUAN & GOOFY: (walk onstage) Whose she? (both point to Betty) STEVE: That's Betty Midler! JUAN: I love your talk show! STEVE: You're talking about Oprah, again! JUAN: DARN! |
STEVE: Why do you talk about Oprah so much? JUAN: I don't know, Steve. I guess it's just an obsession with me. STEVE: I prefer Ellen Degeneris. JUAN: She's okay. But, Steve, they don't have the same time slot so you can watch them both. STEVE: Too much TV, Juan. It hurts my brain. JUAN: Hmmmm... Where's Europa? STEVE: Europa? Your secret love? JUAN: Shhhh! I wouldn't want her to hear that. |
EUROPA:... and THEN you paint the mascara on in pointed lines from your eyelids down your cheeks and a couple up on your forehead! ALEX: Is that Bette Midler out there?? EUROPA: OH MY GOD BETTE MIDLER?????? I have no idea who that is. ALEX: Nevermind. Sssssssh! I wanna hear how the show is going out there! EUROPA: [whispers] Oh okay, sorry! STEVE: Europa? Your secret love? JUAN: Shhhh! I wouldn't want her to hear that. EUROPA: [blinks then storms out onto the stage] JUAN: Uh-oh.... STEVE: Oops! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! JUAN: Uh-oh.... EUROPA: And WHY wouldn't you want her, I mean, me, to hear that??? |
| Alex rushes onto stage. Alex: Bette Midler! She rushes down the side of the stage and into the audience BETTE MIDLER! (a crazy look in her eye, Bette Midler stands up and runs with Alex chasing her. Alex: BETTE MIDLER BETTE, BETTE, BETTE, BETTE, BEETE! (runs after Bette Midler with Bette going very well at running ahead of her.) |
| JUAN: Well that's that! EUROPA:(happily) Finally, I can experience true love! (face saddens) But does it have to be with Juan? STEVE: I don't get it either! AL: Where'd Alex go? |
STEVE: She went to Bette. Get it? I made a funny. Went to bed? Went to Bette? Oh, never mind. So, Europa... EUROPA: Yeeeeeesssss... STEVE: Doesn't Juan make a good "true love"? EUROPA: Oh, I suppose so, it's just that... STEVE: Just that what? |
| Alex: Bette Bette Bette Bette Bette (Bette Midler races across central stage much to the amusement of our conversing quartet.) Alex: Bette Bette Bette Bette Bette (Races off the other side of the stage.) |
STEVE: How did you do that? ALEX: It's easy. Just watch. Bette Bette Bette Bette Bette. [Bette Midler races across the stage] STEVE: Let me try. Bette Bette Bette Bette Bette. [Bette Midler comes running back across the stage. Casts a dirty look at Steve.] STEVE: She gave me a mean look. ALEX: Maybe she's getting a little tired of running across the stage. STEVE: Can't she stop? ALEX: I don't think so. EUROPA: Can I try? ALEX: Sure. Do you know what to do? |
| Europha: yeah I think so... GET GET GET [Bette Midler gives her a funny look.] (Steve starts racing after Bette Midler from one side of the stage.) Steve: Bete Bette Bette Bette (Alex comes in from the other) Alex: Bette Bette Bette Bette (Europha comes in from the front) Europha: Get Get Get Get |
STEVE: You know what we need in here? EVERYBODY: What? STEVE: Some of that circus music they play while the jugglers juggle or the acrobats tumble. You know... Yadada daa daaa, yadada daaaa. Yadada DAAda DAAda dadadaaaa. EVEYBODY: Geez! Where's the tune? What's with all the yadadadaaa's? STEVE: Oh, forget it! ------------------------------ EUROPA: Who are you? EUROPHA: I am your teddy bear look-a-like. EUROPA: I didn't ask for that. EUROPHA: You didn't have to ask. It's a free bonus you got just for joining up. *poof* EUROPA: Wait! Wait! Where did you go? Joining what? I didn't join anything! ------------------------------------------ RINGMASTER: And now we all want to welcome our newest member, Miss Europa Frost, winner of this year's Most Geoclimatic Name Contest. CHINA SNOW: I still think I should have won! AFRICA HURRICANE: Girl! It was me! Why didn't they give that award to me? CHINA SNOW: Maybe because you're a big black blowhard? AFRICA HURRICANE: Oooooo, girl, you gonna pay for that one. You know what they say about yellow snow, don't you? CHINA SNOW: Wha-? You bad. Now you must die. Heeeeee Yah! RINGMASTER: Ladies! Ladies! Let's not turn a harmless little contest into a geopolitical weather disaster. Think gentle breezes, warm sunshine, and the peaceful shores of New Zealand. ----------------------------------------------- STEVE: Are the dreams coming more frequently now? EUROPA: Yes. But what worries me is their nightmarish quality. Sometimes I wake up screaming. STEVE: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I see. Very interesting. EUROPA: But what are you going to DO about it? ------------------------------------------------ ALEX: Do you ever get tired of sitting around waiting to come on and do your lines? GOOFY: Hyuk! Hyuk! Why no, Miss Alex. It's a good opportunity to sit out on the back dock and smoke a cigarette. ALEX: Mmmm... Give me one of those cancer sticks. They don't make you laugh like that, do they? GOOFY: Hyuk! Hyuk! Like what, Miss Alex? |
RANDOM TREE: You know what we should do? BUSH: Nope. RANDOM TREE: Oh. BUSH: What? RANDOM TREE: I don't know. BUSH: Oh. RANDOM TREE: Do you think we'll get paid for this? BUSH: Probably not. RANDOM TREE: Oh. ------------------------------------------------- EUROPA: Steve. STEVE: Europha? EUROPA: Steve!! STEVE: What?! EUROPA: STEVE.... STEVE: Oh. [stares blankly for a while] STEVE: So, those dreams. EUROPA: Yeah? STEVE: I was thinking I could try hypnosis on you. EUROPA: Uh, I'm not sure if that's such a great idea Steve. What would you do to me while I was under? STEVE: Speak in a creepy, semi-divine, mystical sort of voice and try to sound like I knew what I was doing. EUROPA: Oh, you're very honest. Give it a go if you really want to. STEVE: Mmhm. Yes. I can see you will be a difficult case, but I will try all that's in my power to help you. Let me warn you now, it won't be pretty. EUROPA: It's ok, I understand. But I'll let you hypnotise me only on one condition. STEVE: And what would that be? ------------------------------------------------- |
EUROPA: That you be very nice and not your usual self. STEVE: Don't be silly. I'm NEVER my usual self! EUROPA: In that case, hypnotise me. STEVE: You are getting... EUROPA: zzzzzzzz STEVE: Wow! She's a good hypnosis subject. Now... let's see. What shall I program her to do when she awakes. Ah! The teapot song is always fun. The trigger word will be "jandal"... ---------------------------------------------- RANDOM TREE: You know, when we first started doing our little jokes I thought you were the Presisdent of the USA. BUSH: Haha! Really? I thought you were the Prime Minister of New Zealand. RANDOM TREE: That's stupid. "Random" is not a first name for anybody. BUSH: I know it's stupid. That's what makes it so dumb. RANDOM TREE: Oh. ---------------------------------------------- NEW CHARACTER: So let me see if I got this right. I just walk out here and say something and then everybody laughs? OLD CHARACTER: Well, it's not QUITE as easy as all that, ya know? NEW CHARACTER: So what's the secret, old timer? OLD CHARACTER: First of all, don't call me "old timer". NEW CHARACTER: Right! Sorry, mate! OLD CHARACTER: And don't call me "mate". NEW CHARACTER: Should I call you at all, then? OLD CHARACTER: Don't call me "at all" either. NEW CHARACTER: Well... I'll be going. Bunch of friendly people here... not. --------------------------------------------- STEVE: So how do you like the new format? EUROPA: I like it. I helped invent it, so of course I like it. STEVE: How do you like your new jandals? EUROP: I'm a little teapot, this is my spout. Lift me up and pour me out. What are you laughing at? |
EUROP: Are you laughing at the fact that the "A" from my name just somehow disappeared? STEVE: No, not that! EUROP: Well what theN? What? Don't, Steve! Don't! Why are you doing that? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. STEVE: Are you getting annoyed now? Heehee! Are you gonna do some jandal whacking? EUROP: When I get all steamed up, hear me shout! |
| Alex: hyuk hyuk how do you hyuk turn this thing off? hyuk hyuk (takes another drag of cancer stick) |
GOOFY: Hyuk hyuk hyuk! Now you sound just like me, Miss Alex! Hyuk hyuk! ALEX: Hyuk hyuk! Make it stop! Hyuk hyuk! GOOFY: Hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk! STEVE: What's so funny, guys? ALEX: Hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk! GOOFY: Hyuk hyuk? HYUK HYUK HYUK! STEVE: I see... O-kay... Anybody seen Europa? Somebody said she lost her A in a card game and went off to hide in a closet and sulk. Seen her? GOOFY: Hyuk hyuk hyuk... STEVE: You've been a big help. Thank you. I'll be moving along now... EU-RO-PA! Where arrrre you? EU-ROOOOO-PA! |
EUROPA: Steve. You realise that you have to actually have your eyes open before you start yelling that you don't know where I am, right? STEVE: [opens his eyes] Oh! There you are! Wait... how did my eyes get closed? Did you do that, Europa? EUROPA: Um...yes. [rolls her eyes] STEVE: What have you been doing anyway? You're the prizegirl, remember? EUROPA: I've been listening to Trivium. STEVE: Trivium? EUROPA: Trivium... and metal band. STEVE: You don't have time for that! You're the prizegirl! Prizegirls give out prizes, they don't listen to tin cans, Europa! EUROPA: I don't want to be the prizegirl, Steve. STEVE: But! Why not!? You're a GREAT prizegirl. EUROPA: It's degrading. Prizegirls are just for show. |
| Alex: Hyuk Hyuk hyuk MAKE HYUK it HYUK stop! Alex stumbles across stage Alex: Hyuk Hyuk AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUCK |
STEVE: [helps Alex stand up] Guess what? ALEX: Hyuk? STEVE: You're our new prize girl! ALEX: Hyuk? Hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk? STEVE: I don't know what you said, but don't worry because a prize girl is just for show. Hyukking will do nicely. It's a pleasant job and it is NOT degrading! [glares at Europa] EUROPA: Hey! I thought I was the prize girl? STEVE: You WERE the prize girl, Miss I-don't-want-to-be-degraded-bcause-I'm-too-good-to-be-a-prize-girl. EUROPA: You're going to hurt yourself speaking with all those hyphens in your mouth. STEVE: That's just a new Zealand folk tale. Hyphens never hurt anybody. EUROPA: My great-great-uncle DIED from excessive hyphenation. STEVE: One case! Does that mean it's a natural law!? People die from a lot of things. So maybe hyphenation killed one old guy... if that IS what killed him. He probably got run over by a speeding kiwi or drank too much L&P. EUROPA: Hmph! ALEX: Hyuk? EUROPA: No - HMPH! STEVE: Irregardless, you didn't want to be the prize girl and so now you are not. Alex is the prize girl. EUROPA: So what am I, Mister Smartypants? STEVE: [bites tongue] EUROPA: Well? STEVE: You have been promoted to a very high position. You are now vice-president in charge of showing people in the audience where their seats are. |
EUROPA: You know what Steve? That's just fine. I'd much rather be a seat-shower... thingy... than a prizegirl any day. I have nothing more to say to you. [walks off into the audience to show people to their seats] |
| Steve: Now Alex Alex: hyuk hyuk? Steve: Will you quit doing that? Alex: I hyuk can't hyuk Steve: no I think you can hyuk quite nicely..can you quit it? |
ALEX: I can't stop hyukking! STEVE: What the hyuk!? No more hyukking! That's a direct order. ALEX: Yes, sir. (*hyuk*) STEVE: What was that? ALEX: [holding hand over mouth] Nothing. (*hyuk*) STEVE: It sounded like SOMEthing. ALEX: [runs off holding hand over mouth] STEVE: Oh great! Now I'm standing out here alone with nothing to say and nobody to talk to. [glares at audience] |
EUROPA: Alright, here is your seat, ma'am. LADY: But... EUROPA: Yes? LADY: But, you've put me right in front of a column! EUROPA: Yes. [smiles] LADY: But I can't see! EUROPA: And what exactly can't you see, ma'am? LADY: Steve! That presenter guy, Steve. EUROPA: Exactly. Listen, lady, I'm just trying to do you a favour here. You'll thank me all in good time, I promise. You're better off not seeing him. LADY: Oh... um.... thankyou? EUROPA: Nonono, don't mention it. |
| Alex wanders around backstage.. Alex: seriously hyuk there must be an antidote hyuk to this! |
STEVE: [notices Juan is back] Where have you been? You said you were going to the breakroom for a coke. That was like MONTHS ago!!! What happened? |
| Juan: What can I say? I LOVE sausage pizza! I think I cleaned the box. Alex:(running past group) Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk! (trips from Juan's foot) OWWW! Hey Juan, why'd you do that? (turns away in digust) Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk! Europa: Isn't it about time we got this show on the road? Steve: Thanks for finally saying that 'cause I used our production money to buy an RV. Venus:(in a cute voice) Hey Stevie! You forgot about me! (bats eyelashes) Steve: Oh! Hey Ven...(Europa covers his mouth) Europa:(acting as if she doesn't her) Oh...wait who are you? Venus: I'm, your friend, Ven...(is interrupted by Europa) Europa: SECURITY!!!THIS STRANGER LADY THINKS SHE KNOWS US!!!! (Security comes and takes Venus) Venus: I will have my revenge!! 'Cause I know where you live! In California! Europa: Where in California? Venus: Stop, I'm trying to think! ( is taken out the door) Europa: Finally we get rid of her! (raises eyes to the sky) Thank you. Juan: So where did Al and Jessie go? |
STEVE: Who? Geez, you have been gone a long time. Actually, I thought they were with you. JUAN: With me? No, why would they be with me. STEVE: I don't know. Europa? EUROPA: Europa what? STEVE: Europa do you know anything? EUROPA: I know SOME things. Just ANY thing? I might not know or I might know... Who knows? STEVE: Who knows what? EUROPA: Why worry about WHO when you don't even know what the WHAT is yet? STEVE: Huh? JUAN: I think I understand her. |
| EUROPA: Of course you understand me! It is common knowledge that mlib mlilb mlib wackka yakkity do dah whatsis polycrackle grogle schnidd perfectly understandable isn't it? JUAN: Well, obviously. STEVE: I think I need to go and clean my ears out... *edges away slowly* JUAN: Erm... Europa? Why aren't you talking to Steve, anyway? EUROPA: Steve who? JUAN:... uh... STEVE Steve! EUROPA: Steve who? JUAN: Europa.... EUROPA: Yes, Juan? JUAN: Explain yourself, young lady. EUROPA: He kept making me be the Prizegirl. I found it kind of degrading cause prizegirls are just for show. So now I'm just the person who shows people to their seats. Can you give me a better job? I want to do something intelligent. |
| JUAN: Then just be the DJ. Oh yeah! And choose music that's funky but not too horrible. EUROPA: But those two adjectives are opposites! JUAN: With Steve's collection, you expect the unexpected. (murmuring) Wait. Isn't "Expect the Unexpected" the Parrot Jungle Island motto? EUROPA: WHA?!?! JUAN: It's a Florida thing. |
STEVE: Hmmmm... Europa as the DJ? This has possibilities... all of them pointing in the direction of weird strangeness. Are you sure that's the direction we want to go? JUAN: Any direction is better than sitting here with nowhere to go and nothing to do. STEVE: You sound bored. JUAN: I say make Europa the DJ and end my boredom. STEVE: Alright, we'll do it for you, but if the public complains... JUAN: Aww, Steve, the public won't complain. Haven't you ever seen Europa do the Chicken Dance? STEVE: That's what I mean. If the public complains... |
EUROPA: Yay, I love you Juan! [gasps and clasps a hand over her mouth then hurridly leaves the room] |
| VOICE: Heeyyyyy!! You all frogot about me!! STEVE: No we didn't. We just don't care. VOICE: Fine then. If you won't let me out, I'll do it myself. [trapdoor magically opens] VOICE: I am THE CREATOR!!! I wish to be a part of your show. AL: You? Why? I thought you were an evil love deamon! CREATOR: No, acually, I have terrets. All that stuff was the terrets. Can I be co-co host? STEVE: Why should I let you? CREATOR: Because your purple master sent me. STEVE: The purple master!?!? Must....obey....master.....Fine. You replace Al as co host. AL: Heyyyyy! I'm co host! What am I now? STEVE: Garbage boy. AL: NO!! Not again! STEVE [in demonic voice] GARBAGE BOY!!! AL: Yes steve..... |
STEVE: I love pushing him around. So... Creator... welcome aboard. CREATOR: Argh! STEVE: What? CREATOR: I thought we were going to do a pirate ship thing. STEVE: Uh... no, that's not in the script today. Today we're introducing a new game. CREATOR: Oh boy! A new game! STEVE: Yep. You're enthusiastic, aren't you? CREATOR: Yes! I like games and newness! So a new game is perfect! STEVE: I call it 'Who Stole The Pumpkin?' The day after Halloween one of us in the show's staff took the office pumpkin home with him or her and the contestant has to figure out who it is. CREATOR: That doesn't sound very exciting. STEVE: Nothing in this show is very exciting in and of itself. It's our charisma that make the show work. CREATOR: Yeah, dude! Charisma! I'm into that! It's my favorite holiday! STEVE: Riiiight... What do you think of Europa? Foxy babe or robo geek? |
| CREATOR: Uh, Well, before I was just a voice, so I couldn't see her. But now that I have a body, I can now! STEVE: So is it a yes or no? CREATOR: Well, let me see her. *Europa walks out* CREATOR: Hmm. I'd have to say she's in the middle. EUROPA: How dare you! *slaps Creator* CREATOR: AHGR! What did I do!? EUROPA: You know! *punchs his stomach* CREATOR: No I don't! *cluthces stomach* EUROPA: You called me fat! *kicks his uh...private areas* CREATOR: GRah!!uhgg....*collapse onto floor* EUROPA: There we go. STEVE: Uh Europa, he wasn't calling you fat, he was calling you preaty. EUROPA: Oh. Oh well. ROO: HEY!! Did anyone miss me! STEVE: Where the hell have you been!?!? ROO: Vactaion. Now lets get Season two started!!!....who's that guy on the floor? STEVE: Oh. That's Creator. He was oringinally the voice, but decided to join our crew. He'll wake up soon. Lets get strated!! |
ROO: I know who took the pumpkin! STEVE: Shhhh! Of course you know. You're on the staff. But it's an audience contest. ROO: [jumping up and down] But I know! I know! STEVE: I don't care if you know. You can't play. You're on the staff. Understand? Audience only. ROO: Then I quit! Now I'm in the audience, right? So can I play? Huh? Huh? [jumping up and down so high her ponytail is brushing the ceiling] CREATOR: Is she hyperactive or something? I didn't know humans could jump like that. STEVE: That's why they call her Roo. CREATOR: Huh? I don't get it. STEVE: Think about it. |
| CREATOR: Is it just me, or are we the only ones doing this? STEVE: Yup. For some reason unbeknoest to me, everyone execpt two have stopped adding to this. CREATOR: Oh, ok then. Well, uh, what do we do now? |
STEVE: We could invite some new people? Nic? Goth? Kieve? All of the above? Or we could stew in our own juices. Haha! I don't know what that means. I just wanted to say it. CREATOR: Should we be talking about the campfire like this? I mean, it's like we are IN the story but we are talking ABOUT the story. Is that allowed? STEVE: NO, it isn't. You're going to Campfire Jail and I am going to have a hard time getting you out. We'll probably need a fancy lawyer. CREATOR: Why does it have to be a fancy lawyer? STEVE: I don't like plain lawyers. Too dull. Too boring. GIVE ME FANCY! |
| PRODUCER: Well, thanks to Creator, the "Breaking the Fourth Wall" foundation is sueing us. CREATOR: Not my fault I just happen to notice everyone left. PRODUCER: Anyway, we now have to either send Creator to jail, or hire a really fancy lawyer STEVE: See? Told you! [ One law suit later] CREATOR: I can't belive we acually won that case! STEVE: Yeah, who knew we acually hired the devil as our lawyer! CREATOR: The best part is, it only cost us Goofy's soul! GOOFY: You sold my soul? Hyuk!?!? (Yes, we should ask nic, spink, kieve, ect.) |
[Not Spink, he's a campfire Procrastinator! He doesn't even post in his own campfires. I invited Nic, Goth, Kieve, and Twiga. You don't know Twiga but Twiga likes campfires... although maybe not this one.  ]GOOFY: Hyuk, hyuk! What soul? Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk! STEVE: You know, that whole "sell your soul" thing has always puzzled me. Why would anyone want to buy a soul? What would you do with it? You can't wash your car with it. You can't watch it on a DVD player. It doesn't taste good. Why spend good money on a soul? I don't get it. PRODUCER: Why don't you ask the Devil? He's the one always buying souls. STEVE: How can I ask him? I don't know where he lives. ROO: I thought the Devil and Santa Claus were the same guy. They both like to wear red suits. CREATOR: Uh... but one is infinitely evil and one is infinitely good. ROO: Still, they both like red. That's odd, isn't it? |
| *penguin waddles in* GOTHIE: Red is evil no matter who has it. Purple is the only way to go! *laughs maniacally* STEVE: Who are you? GOTHIE: The penguin. I'm the new producer. Only I'm not. I don't know...it all works out in the end, I guess. ROO: Or you could just bounce... GOTHIE: NO! I refuse! I waddle only. Bouncing is against the penguin rules. If I did that, I would be kicked out of the Penguin Club! STEVE: Well, anyway, about Goofy's soul-- GOOFY: (interjecting) You mean the one you sold. STEVE: Yeah, that one. I sold it. Sorry. I can't remember if I said that or not. GOOFY: You didn't. STEVE: Well, sorry. GOTHIE: Wait, Goofy had a soul in the first place? STEVE: You missed that part. CREATOR: Holy--where did the penguin come from??? |
| CREATOR: Really? The moon you say? Liar. I know for a fact you came from Antarctica. How I know this? I am god. I know all. STEVE: So, you really are god? Hmm, I thought you were just pushing my buttons. CREATOR: No Steve my boy, I really am god. Watch. *Zaps empty auduence seats and each seat a person apperes* CREATOR: See? CREATOR: Ah yes, Welcome everyone, to What Can You Win! Our first contestent will be....you, that Overlylarge man! OM: Great, what do I win? CREATOR: Not yet, first you have to tell me, do penguins come from the moon, or Antarctica? OM: Umm....the moon? *buzzer sound* CREATOR: Nooo, I'm sorry. But youve won our consolation prize! Alex! ALEX: It's a *Hyuk*, New CARRR!!! OM: Auhh...what was the correct answer's prize? CREATOT: A pack of mentos. OM: DANGIT!!!! STUPID CAR!!! |
| GIRL IN CROWD: That car is NOT stupid! Can I be next?!?! STEVE: I guess we have our next contestant... CREATOR: What do I do with this pack of mentos? OM: Give it to me! GIRL IN CROWD: Throw them out the window! CREATOR: Ok *throws them out the window* OM: Mine! *jumps out window, following the mentos* STEVE: Well that got rid of him...So whats your name? GIRL IN CROWD: Who me? CREATOR: No, the girl next to you GIRL IN CROWD: Oh... CREATOR: Yes you! GIRL IN CROWD: I'm Nic, so am I the next contestant? STEVE: Yup. Step right up! NIC: Yay! *walks up on stage* If I win, can I work here too? |
STEVE: You sure can! The more employees we have the bigger the break room will have be and then we can finally install another snack machine. I'm really getting sick of those Mentos. GOTH: [sucking her thumb] I liketh Menthos. NIC: I hope I win then cuz I want to work here. CREATOR: You can't have my job. NIC: I don't want your job. Who wants to be the janitor? CREATOR: I'm not the janitor! KIEVE: Uh... that would be me. I have to dial my Orbital Cannon down to "not very powerful" and use it as a lawn blower. And I don't even speak Spanish. It's humiliating, I tell you!  STEVE: Now now, just calm down... Want some Mentos? TWIGA: [waving her arms in the air] Kieve is from the MOOOOOOON! GOTH: I thoughteth I wath fwom da moon? TWIGA: Yes, youuuuu are from the MOOOOON toooooo! STEVE: Alright everybody. We've got a show to do here and our contestant is Nic from the audience who is playing for a chance to be a minimum-wage employee on a second-rate game show on a network nobody ever watches... AUDIENCE: Yaaayyyyy! STEVE: Nic, your first question is... |
| GOTHIE: *interrupts* Steve, you have the card upside down. STEVE: *blushes* Oh. *turns it right side up* Now, Nic, your first question is...If a train is traveling at 35 miles an hour, and another train is coming towards it at 45 miles an hour...how far until the scene of the crash? NIC: WHAT? That's too hard! STEVE: *shrugs* That's the question. NIC: I don't think that's a fair question. STEVE: Well, I don't make these things up! GOTHIE: Actually, you do, Steve, remember. STEVE: Oh shut up. *pops another Mentos in Gothie's beak* CREATOR: Well, your answer, Nic? |
| Gothie: Twiga! Why are you wearing a pig suit? Twiga: Steve told me anyone dressed like an animal would get ice cream! |
| CREATOR: Just WHO is Twiga? I certaintly don't remember hiring her. And when did Kieve become our janitor?! Why am I not informed of things!?!?! *Storms off to the breakrom* STEVE: Ok then, uh, Nic, your answer? NIC: Uh....uh....uh....Bagels? STEVE: OMFG!!!! That's correct!!! Congratualations! You have won! You are now the new, Audience picker girl! NIC: Yay!!!!! *Rushes off to get Audience picker girl costume on* CREATOR: *Comes back out to front stage* Ah, after my little tantrum I feel much better!What's this? Nic is the Audience picker?!? WHY DOES NO ONE TELL ME THESE THINGS?!?!? *Runs back stage again* ROO: O.....k.....He's REALLY wierd....how'd HE get on the show Steve? STEVE: The Purple Master sent him. |
| NIC: *rushes back with sparkly blue Audience Picker Girl costume* I'm back! STEVE: Yes well uhhh...Who's our next contestant, Nic? NIC: It's Audience Picker Girl! And...Uhhh...Him! *points to the guy in the front row* CREATOR: *walks back on stage* I feel much better after those little escapades! Wait...Who is this next contestant?!?! Why didn't you wait for ME?!?! Why am I never TOLD?!?! *storms off again* GOTH: Well, there he goes again... STEVE: On with the show! Come on up, guy Nic picked! GUY: Yay! *walks up on stage* Do I get my prize now?!?! PLEASEEEEEE?!?! NIC: I think he's just a bit over excited... GUY: WHAT?!?! OVER EXCITED!?!? How DARE you!!! STEVE: Nic...Back away slowly... NIC: Steve...RUN! *runs* HHEEELLPPPP!!! GUY: Oops. Did it again, didn't I? STEVE: Wait, what? GUY: Will she be back? STEVE: Yeah... NIC: *runs back* Is he gone? Give him his prize, make him leave! STEVE: But he didn't answer a question! NIC: Well ask him! STEVE: Fine. Guy, how many fingers am I holding up? *holds up 2 fingers* GUY: 82! STEVE: Uh...No...You didn't win... GUY: Do I still get a prize? STEVE: Sure... GUY: What is it?!?! NIC: Here comes that excitement again... STEVE: Ok...Well, you win a nice new pet muzzled penguin! GOTH: Awww so cute! Wait...You're giving away my family?!?! How COULD you! *storms off* STEVE: Uhhh...On with the show! |
TWIGA: Can I have some more ice cream please? STEVE: But it's dripping all over your pig suit. TWIGA: I don't care. I have a closet full of these things. STEVE: I like your sparkly blue Audience Picker Girl costume, Nic. NIC: Really? [twirls around and around then staggers, holds her head] I'm dizzy. [falls down] STEVE: Woopsie. [picks up Nic] GOTH: Oh, she could have gotten up on her own. Probably faking dizziness anyway. NIC: I was not! I get dizzy if I twirl around more than 99 times. I have a fear of the number 100. CREATOR: That's just weird. Numbers are our friends. No need to fear them. NIC: You didn't say that when 13 was looking for you. CREATOR: Aiiieeee! 13! Keep it away! Keep it away! [runs off stage] STEVE: Ahem. We DO have a show to do if everybody is through goofing? GOOFY: Hyuk! Hyuk! You said "goofing". STEVE: [gives Goofy a 2-finger Stooges eye poke] GOOFY: Ow! I said Hyuk! Hyuk! -- not Nyuk! Nyuk! STEVE: Oh. Sorry. Next contestant, please! PLEEEEEZE? |
| Spiderman: Hi Everybody! Everyone: SPIDERMAN! Spiderman: I need your help! Green Goblin wants to kill me! |
| CREATOR: Uh..sure Spidey, that is IF you can answer my question! SPIDEY: Oh fine, what is it?! CREATOR: Name me one of........Spiderman's enemys.....Steve, your cards suck..... SPIDEY: Um...Green Goblin? CREATOR: OH FINE!!! YOU WIN!!! Steve, nic, roo, gothie, twiga, and kieve will help you. STEVE: What about you?!? CREATOR: I've got some uh.....errends to run!! NIC: Chicken! TWIGA: You are frooooooom the moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon!!! CREATOR: I am not a chicken, nor did I come from the moon! *Everyone does the chicken dance, compleate with song* CREATOR: Nooooooo!!! Make it stop!!!! |
| *everyone keeps up the chicken dance* EVERYONE: Woohoo! This is fun! CREATOR: LEAVE! NOW! Help Spidey! NIC, STEVE, ROO,GOTH, TWIGA, AND KIEVE: We Don't wanna! SPIDEY: Hey that was cool. Did you guys practice that? NIC, STEVE, ROO,GOTH, TWIGA, AND KIEVE: No! NIC: Ok we need to stop that... STEVE: Yeah its annoying...Anywho! On with the show! SPIDEY: What about me? GOTH: Fight your own Green Goblin man! SPIDEY: Ok...*shoots web and swings away* NIC: Well that got rid of him... STEVE: Now lets get on with the show! Nic, pick our next contestant, please. NIC: Ok! *looks around at audience* Uhhh...What about...No, he won't do...Nah she looks sick... GOTH: Would you hurry this up?! NIC: *whines* Stevvviiieee! Make her leave me alone! STEVE: Would you two QUIT fighting?! Goth! Leave Nic alone! Nic! Pick the contestant! GOTH: Yes Stevie...*sticks tongue out at Nic* NIC: Stevie! She did it again! STEVE: If you two don't stop, I'm kicking you off the show! NIC: *gasps* But I...But she...Fine! That lady right there! |
| LADY: Me? Really? Did you say me? *lady bounds onto stage, complete in cat costume* CAT LADY: I'm so excited! NIC: Are you in a cat costume? CAT LADY: Yes...is that a problem? STEVE: No, no, it's not. *stares* GOTHIE: Steve, are you staring at her costume? *suspicious look* STEVE: *in too high voice* Nooooo... *Gothie kicks Steve surreptitiously* STEVE: OW! What did you do that for? GOTHIE: I didn't do anything... CAT LADY: Um, hello? Can you ask me a question so I can win my prize here? NIC: Sheesh, be patient, lady! CREATOR: Yeah, sheesh! Okay, Crazy Cat Lady, what is the speed of light multiplied by the speed of sound and divided by infinity? CAT LADY: *starts to drool* *glazed look in her eyes* NIC: Well? Answer, please! |
CAT LADY: Quiet! I'm calculating! [her eyes roll up to reveal the whites and her eyelids flutter] GOTH: Ewww, Stevie? What's she doing? NIC: Don't worry. I've seen this before. She's going into a trance. STEVE: How do you know? NIC: Cheerleaders have to go into a trance before the big game. STEVE: Only the big game? KIEVE: Hey, look at me! I'm a ghost! STEVE: [makes a cross with his fingers] Be gone, Spirit! GOTH: How long is it going to take Cat Lady to calculate, Steve? I don't like looking at her. STEVE: I do [stares] CREATOR: Me too [stares] TWIGA: It's too bad Spiderman left. CAT LADY: [shudders and falls to the floor and starts bouncing around like a slinky] GOTH: Okay, something's wrong. That's not a trance, is it? NIC: No, that reminds me of the time I sat on a fire ant nest at cheerleader practice. STEVE: Cat Lady! Cat Lady! Can you hear me? CAT LADY: [bouncing, hissing, and spitting] STEVE: Okay, times up, Cat Lady! We need your answer NOW! CAT LADY: [unsheaths claws, snarls] MEEOOOWWW! |
| CREATOR: Security!!! SECURITY: No way man.... CREATOR: Fine, if you won't do it...*pulls out ball of yarn* CREATOR: Hey kitty, kitty....*waves ball in front of catlady* CAT LADY: Meow? MROW!!!! *snatches ball and starts to play with it. STEVE: Well THAT was anitclimatic.... NIC: Oh Creator, I wish I could do that! CREATOR: Yes nic, you too can be brave, as long as you have CREATOR SPRAY!!!*flashes out shiny spray can with Creator's face on it* |
| NIC: Yay! When can I start? STEVE: As soon as we get rid of Cat Lady here and get ourselves a brand new contestant! GOTH: And by the looks of it...That could take a while. CREATOR: I have an idea! NIC: Which is...? CREATOR: Ssshhh! I'm building up suspense! NIC: Oh...Sorry... STEVE: I thought I said NO GOOFING GOOFY: Hyuk hyuk. There's that Goofing again. Hyuk hyuk. STEVE: Goofy would you get out of here?! I have a show to run! GOOFY: Ok...WOAH! *trips and falls out of the window* NIC: I hope he's ok... CAT LADY: MY GOOFY! *jumps out after him* STEVE: Nic! Hurry up and pick our next contestant before they get back! NIC: Ok only if you'll hold me though. I'm still a little dizzy from twirling before... GOTH: *mumbles under breath* Psh yeah right NIC: *elbows Goth in the stomach* STEVE: Sure *wraps his arms around Nic* Feel better? NIC: Yes. Very. Thank you *closes eyes and smiles* STEVE: How are you going to pick a contestant with your eyes closed? NIC:*opens eyes* Oh sorry. Um next contestant? Uh uh uh...Its...Ummmm... |
| GOTHIE: Why not that giant six-foot alien waving that sign that says "pick me?" NIC: I don't see a sign. GOTHIE: It's right in front of you. Literally! *look of shock* NIC: Oh that sign. Fine, okay, I pick you, Crazy Sign-Wielding Man. SIGN-WIELDING MAN: I want the penguin...*starts to drool* GOTHIE: You can't have da penguin! Steve, save me! STEVE: Now, now, Mr. Crazy Man, the penguin is not for sale! |
CRAZY MAN: I don't want to BUY the penguin, I want to EAT the penguin! GOTH: Eeeek! Save me, Steve! NIC: Now who's pretending? GOTH: This is not pretending! That crazy man wants to eat me! CRAZY MAN: Yeah, it's true. I really do. STEVE: I'll save you! CREATOR: Wait! Let me do it! I have the spray can, remember? TWIGA: Does anybody remember where the bathroom is? STEVE: Spray can! You can't stop a crazy man with- oh... mace, huh? CREATOR: Not just mace. All kinds of stuff. Believe me, this will stop him. NIC: Let TSC do it, Steve. GOTH: Eeek! Eeek! Crazy Man chasing meeeeeee! STEVE: Oh, alright. Proceed with Plan A: Use of Spray. However, if that doesn't work then we will have to use Plan B. |
| (Steve sprays Crazy Man) Crazy Man: GET IN MY BELLY! Steve: OK Plan B, RELEASE THE STAMPEDE! (A heard of Horses Sheep and Cattle run over Crazy Man) |
| CRAZY MAN: Nnnooooooo! *gets trampled and flattened by the animals* STEVE: Hm he makes a nice rug there... GOTH: Get rid of him! NIC: I don't see whats wrong with jut letting him eat the penguin... STEVE: Nic, be nice! GOTH: Yeah! Be nice to da penguin! NIC: Yes, Stevie...*mumbles under breath about penguin evilness* CREATOR: Here they go again...Nic! Pick the next contestant, would you?! NIC: Yeah yeah yeah I'm getting to it. CREATOR: WELL?!?! NIC: Stevie! He's yelling at me! STEVE: *sighs* Just pick the dang contestant, Nic. NIC: Ok. What about that lady dressed all in black with purple hair and chains on her jeans? STEVE: Yes! She looks interesting! Come on up! |
| CHAIN GIRL: *in spooky Transylvanian accent* Hello. NIC: She's scaring me... STEVE: Well, YOU picked her, Nic. NIC: Yes, but I didn't hear her talk! CHAIN GIRL: I vant to suck your blood... NIC: *screams* GOTHIE: Hey, now you know what it's like to have creepy people after you! CHAIN GIRL: Come back 'ere! *Nic runs offstage, followed by Chain Girl* GOTH: Well, I bet that's the last we see of her... CREATOR: Nic or the creepy vampire girl? GOTH: Does it matter? |
CREATOR: Of course it matters. Chain Girl gave me her phone number. I think I'll call her tonight. GOTH: You and Chain Girl? I can't see it. She's not your type. STEVE: I didn't even know he had a type. CHAIN GIRL: Look. I am back. Vut do I vin? STEVE: What did you do with Nic? CHAIN GIRL: She is running very fast. Now tell me... vut do I vin? TWIGA: Want some ice cream? CHAIN GIRL: No, I do not. I want a date with this handsome man here. CREATOR: HA! See? I told you she was my type. CHAIN GIRL: Vut is your blood type, handsome boy? CREATOR: My blood type? Uhh... I don't know. CHAIN GIRL: Never mind. It smells delicious whatever it is. CREATOR: Uh... yeah... sure.... Soooo... do you like pizza? CHAIN GIRL: Ugh! Garlic? Are you out of your mind, handsome creator boy? ... Your neck... You have a very fine neck... CREATOR: Steve? Help? STEVE: Hey, she's your type, not mine. GOTH: They deserve each other. NIC: Like me and Steve. GOTH: No! You and Steve. No deserving! NIC: Yaaa-yaaaa. Me and Steve. Yaaaa-yaaaa. Me and Steve. GOTH: Make her stop! |
| STEVE: Why make her stop? This is amusing. CHAIN GIRL: I vant my anvil now! NIC: Yaaa-yaaaa. Me and Steve. Yaaa-yaaaa. Steve and me. GOTH: *covers ears* MAKE IT STOP! CREATOR: *chuckles under breath* GOTH: You're all so mean! NIC:Yaaa-yaaaa. Me and Steve. Yaaa-yaaaa. Steve and me. STEVE: Ok, Nic. Thats enough. We've had our fun. NIC: Yes, Stevie... GOTH: Ha ha! *sticks tongue out at Nic* NIC: Hey! *kicks Goth in the shin* So there! GOTH: Ow...That hurt...St-st-Steeeevvviiieeee!!! WWWAAAAHHHHHH!!! *cries* STEVE: *sighs* What'll we do with you two...Nic, apologize. NIC: Sorry... CHAIN GIRL: My anvil?!?! *anvil drops on Chain Girl's head* CREATOR: Happy? Now be gone! CHAIN GIRL: *throws anvil off with super-gothic-vampire strength* Vat about your neck, handsome Creator boy? CREATOR: Its not going to work out... CHAIN GIRL: *hisses, changes into a bat, and flies away* You will PAY! |
| STEVE: I would worry if I were you... CREATOR: *starts to sob like small, frightened child* I WANT MY MOMMY! CHAIN GIRL: *voice sounds out of nowhere, sounding sepulchural* I ate your mother... CREATOR: Waaaaaaah! GOTHIE: Don't worry, she's just messing with you. CHAIN GIRL: *eerily* Yes, believe that, mwa ha ha ha ha. STEVE: *wearily* Yo, psycho bat lady, could you stop scaring him? I need him to ask the questions! CHAIN GIRL: *sighs* Fine. But I VILL BE BOK! NIC: She's a chicken now? GOTHIE: Sure, why not? She's a vampire chicken? NIC: Oh, okay... STEVE: *Anyway*, we need another contestant! Niiiic! NIC: *starts* Oh yeah! *blushes* |
STEVE: Awwwww, you're so cute when you blush. NIC: [bats eyelashes] Thank you, Santa Steve. STEVE: Oh yeah, gifts. Gather around everybody. Santa Steve has your Christmas bonuses. EVERYBODY: Yeaaayyyy! [much ripping of wrapping paper and tossing aside of colorful ribbons and bows] [a moment of silence] CREATOR: Um... this is our bonus? A check for a hundred writing.com gift points? STEVE: [beaming] Yes! But don't cash it until after the New Year. My account is a little short right now. TWIGA: I'm going to buy lots of ice cream with mine. NIC: Thank you, Steve! [hugs Steve] GOTH: Hey! Get away from him! [pushes Nic] Thank you, Steve! {hugs Steve] NIC: Grrrr! [pushes Goth] GOTH: Grrrr! [pushes Nic] CREATOR: So Steve, who's going to pick the next contestant? STEVE: Oh, no problem. The next contestant is already on the way. Do you hear anything? CREATOR: You mean that low-pitched rumbling sound that's making the building shake? STEVE: Yeah! Mole Girl is coming. That's the noise her giant nuclear-powered tunnel borer makes. She should be bursting up through our floor any minute now. CREATOR: Maybe we should stand in the balcony? STEVE: Good idea. Everybody! Head for the balcony! Mole Girl is coming! |
| EVERYONE: There is no balcony! STEVE: Oh...Then...Hold on tight! *ground shakes more and seats in the audience go flying as Mole Girl comes out of the ground* MOLE GIRL: Where's my worms?!?! STEVE: *brushes dirt off clothes* I definitely don't have them... GOTH: Of course you don't! Why would you have worms? CREATOR: You never know... NIC: My Stevie does NOT have worms! GOTH: YOUR Stevie? NIC: Yeah. MY Stevie. STEVE: *stares in amusement at the fight* CREATOR: What happened to Mole Girl...?... |
| GOTHIE: Heck, let's just share him, Nic! He's OUR Stevie now! But NO ONE ELSE can have him! NIC: Okay! *shakes hands...er, flippers with Gothie* STEVE: Awwwwww. MOLE GIRL: But I wanna love Stevie, too! NIC and GOTHIE: NOOOOO! CREATOR: Hey, that was kind of neat... NIC and GOTHIE: WHAT WAS? CREATOR and STEVE: Talking in unison...hey, wait a minute... MOLE GIRL: Let me have Stevie or I shall attack! STEVE: Look! Worms! MOLE GIRL: Where? |
STEVE: Haha! I fooled you. MOLE GIRL: Grrrrr! It's not nice to fool Mole Girl. Mole Girl angry now. STEVE: Sorry. I joke too much sometimes. MOLE GIRL: Mole Girl not care you sorry. Mole Girl angry. Mole Girl want revenge. STEVE: Why does Mole Girl talk about herself like she's a different person? MOLE GIRL: Mole Girl IS different person now. Mole Girl have major makeover. Look. New hairstyle, new paint on claws. Even Mole Girl's nuclear-powered tunnel-borer have paint job. Mole Girl stunningly beautiful now. STEVE: Yes you are, Mole Girl, and welcome to What Can You Win. Choose a category for your first question, please. MOLE GIRL: Dirt. STEVE: Good. Excellent- GOTH: Uh... Steve? Don't the rest of us get to talk in this segment? NIC: Yeah! What about us? All I'm hearing is STEVE, MOLE GIRL, STEVE, MOLE GIRL... When are WE going to get some lines? CREATOR: Yeah! TWIGA: I don't mind. I don't care if I only get one line in the whole show. I've got a lot of ice cream to eat and that stuff melts fast, you know. Gee, I think I just said more than I ever said yet. Whew! I'm exhausted. Can somebody hand me that ice cream cone? I'm too tired to reach it. STEVE: Okay. Listen everybody. If you don't let me ask Mole Girl her questions, then we'll NEVER get rid of her. Huh? NIC: Who says we want to get rid of her? GOTH: I kind of do. NIC: You NEVER agree with me about ANYTHING! GOTH: It's just that Mole Girl's worm obsession is creeping me out. MOLE GIRL: You have worms? |
| MOLE GIRL: Yay! Mole Girl happy now! *eats gummy worms* GUMMY?!?! You no say they gummy! Nooooo! *blows up into itsy bitsy pieces* NIC: There goes creepy lady... CREATOR: NOW who's our contestant? STEVE: I'm not sure... GOTH: Nic, pick the cotestant while I snuggle with Stevie. *goes over and snuggles with Stevie* NIC: Hey! Ok thats it! Deals off! He's mine now! *takes Stevie and starts snuggling with him* CREATOR: Uhhh girls...WE NEED A CONTESTANT! STEVE: No, no. Let them fight. This is amusing the audience. AUDIENCE: Ooohhh. Amusing...*watches fight in amusement* GOTH: Hey! He's MINE! *grabs Stevie from Nic* NIC: Nuh uh! MINE! *takes Stevie back* STEVE: A guy could get ripped to pieces this way... CREATOR: *sighs* Might as well sit in the audience. This IS kind of amusing...Even for a God. *sits in audience* |
| GOTHIE: MIIIIIIINE! Wait, no...*pants* We said we would SHARE him. Remember? We must be good...and share... NIC: Oh yeah... STEVE: *moans* GOTHIE: Let's get together, yeah yeah yeah... NIC: *joins in* Anywhere and everywhere! CREATOR: *sighs* Well, it was fun while it lasted. STEVE: PICK A CONTESTANT! |
| TWIGA: Can I pick one this time? STEVE: Sure! Of course! Anybody can pick a contestant. [moment of silence] STEVE: Well? TWIGA: Well what? STEVE: Well who is the next contestant? TWIGA: Don't I get time to think about it? STEVE: Not a lot of time. Just a little itty bit of time. NIC: She can't think of one. Let me pick one, Steve. GOTH: No! You picked one last time. NIC: I did not! Before I could pick anybody Mole Girl came busting up through the floor. GOTH: And she counts as the one you picked. NIC: I didn't PICK her. She just appeared out of nowhere. Not. My. Pick. Understand, birdbrain? GOTH: It was your turn to pick a contestant. Mole Girl was the contestant. Your turn is over. Case closed. NIC: Why you little- TWIGA: Wait! I think I just thought of who to pick for our next contestant... |
| NIC: But...But...Its...MYYYY JJJOOOBBBBB!!! Waaaahhhhhh! *cries on Stevie's shoulder* STEVE: Its ok...*pats Nic on shoulder* GOTH: She's probably faking again... ROADRUNNER: Beep beep? CREATOR: What are you? A car horn? NIC: I am NOT pretending! Its MY job you little *mumbles under breath the ending to that sentence which I can't say outloud* GOTH: *gasps* Stevie! Did you hear that!?! STEVE: Ah, here comes the amusing fight which Goth hopefully won't ruin again... GOTH: I do not ruin it! I bring peace and happiness! NIC: You do so ruin it! GOTH: Do not! NIC: Do too! GOTH: *sticks tongue out at Nic* ppptttttt (or however you type that sound) NIC: *does back* GOTH: *glares* NIC: *glares back* CREATOR: Okkkkk well... STEVE: No, no. Just leave it be. ROADRUNNER: Beep beep! STEVE: You'll get your turn in a minute. Now on with the amusing fight! |
| GOTHIE: Oh, not again...we have got to stop this, Nic. All we ever do is fight, and then everyone laughs at us. I think that we should get THEM to fight instead. Then WE could sit back and laugh at them, just like they do to us. NIC: Hmm. You have a point. But how could we make them fight? GOTHIE: Come here a sec...*whispers in Nic's ear* Like that. See? NIC: *evil look* I LIKE it! GOTHIE: *goes up to Creator and whispers in his ear* Steve said you're fat. CREATOR? WHAAAAAT? *starts to cry* NIC: *goes up to Steve and whispers in his ear* The Story Creator said you don't smell good. STEVE: HOW DARE HE!? GOTHIE and NIC respectively: You can't let him get away with that. You should fight him. *Steve attacks Creator* GOTHIE: Go get him! *laughs* NIC: You were right. This is MUCH more fun than fighting ourselves. *munches popcorn* |
| CREATOR: Wait a minute! We are beyond barbaric measures! STEVE: You know what? Your right! We shoulden't fight like gothie and nic! CREATOR: We shall play a gentelmanly game of Chess!! NIC-GOTH: Chess? *Steve and Creator set up chess set* STEVE: How about we play with no timer? CREATOR: Your on! *Steve and Creator start and excuricatingly boring chess match to anyone but themselves that lasts for hours* AUDIENCE: Um, are you guys going to do ANYTHING? Like pick one of use for a prize? *Steve slowly nods his head, absorbed in the game* GOTH: I'm so.....BOARD!! I'm starting to think wispering false things into their ears so they'd fight each other was a bad idea. CREATOR-STEVE: What did you say?!? GOTH: Correction. This was a terrible idea. NIC: So what do we do now? *Looks over at Creator and Steve, fully decked out in armor with pissed looks on their faces* GOTH: We.....RUN FOR OUR LIVES!!!!! CREATOR: GET THEM!!! HYGRAH!!!!*Steve and Creator chase them down* |
STEVE: Stop running. We'll never catch them. It's all this heavy armor. It's slowing us down. Armor? Bad idea. CREATOR: Yeah, you're right. Oh, by the way... checkmate! STEVE: Huh? What? Who? Where? CREATOR: Knight's pawn, Queen 6. STEVE: Oh. I would say "good game!" if I was in the habit of complimenting people who beat me but I'm not. CREATOR: It doesn't matter. I'm just joyful that I won. NIC: Can we come back now? Are you still angry at us? STEVE: No, come on back. We've got a show to do. ROADRUNNER: Beep-beep? STEVE: That's right. Pick a category for a question, my little fethered friend. ROADRUNNER: Beep beep beep. STEVE: Taxis? Digital watches? Alarm clocks? Dump trucks backing up? I don't get it. ROADRUNNER: Beep beep BEEEEEEP! TWIGA: I think he said flavors of ice cream. STEVE: [looks skeptical] Okayyyyyy... What are the ingredients of Rocky Road? ROADRUNNER: Beep beep beep beep. TWIGA: Cocolate ice cream, chocolate chips, peanuts, and marshmallows. GOTH: Are you like a... bird translator? TWIGA: Yes. GOTH: Can you speak Penguinese? TWIGA: Sure. Squawwwwwwwk! GOTH: Hey! Where did you learn the dirty parts? NIC: Did Road Runner win? |
| ROADRUNNER: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! *runs around wildly* GOTHIE: I think Roadrunner likes his prize. NOW, Twiga, come back here, I wanna know who told you the dirty parts... TWIGA: SQUAWK! *runs away* GOTHIE: Come back here! *waddles after her* CREATOR: Will we ever see them again? Only time can tell. STEVE: In the meantime...pick another contestant! NIC: I can't! I'm all picked out! *cries* YOU pick someone! |
| STEVE: But...But...YOU'RE the one with super picking powers. CREATOR: That sounded odd... NIC: Oh shut up, Creator guy. You didn't even create anything! CREATOR: *gasps* How DARE you! I am God! NIC: Yeah right! Like anyone believes that! GOTH: I believe it, Creator... CREATOR: Thank you! At least SOMEONE appreciates me! NIC: Suck up! GOTH: I am not! NIC: You are so! GOTH: Am not! NIC: Are so! CREATOR: Hello?! What about me?! What about the fight I started?! NIC: Sorry about that. Random outburst. GOTH: Its alright. NIC: I wasn't talking to you! GOTH: So! STEVE: Am I going to get a line in this addition? |
AUDIENCE: No! STEVE: Oh. It doesn't matter. I couldn't think of anything to say anyway. GOTH: I can! NIC: No you can't! GOTH: Yes I can! NIC: NO you can't! CREATOR: Ho hum, same old stuff. Too bad Kieve got arrested for carrying his orbital cannon on the bus. We could use his destructive ways right now. STEVE: Yeah... I mean no. Destruction is not the best way to handle your problems. CREATOR: Sure it is. You destroy your problem and then it doesn't bother you anymore. STEVE: That creates more problems. If you SOLVE your problem, then you are truly free. CREATOR: But when they find out you can solve problems then they'lll just give you more problems to solve. STEVE: The more problems you solve the better problem-solver you will be and the faster you can solve them. CREATOR: So Life is just one big video game? STEVE: Yep. When you're cold you have to find the hot bowl of soup. When you're hot you have to find the cold scoop of vanilla ice cream. TWIGA: Ice cream? I like ice cream. Why are Goth and Nic fighting? STEVE: That's like asking me why the sky is blue. TWIGA: Okay. Why is the sky blue? AUDIENCE: [stamping feet] Contestant! Contestant! Contestant! STEVE: Oh shut up! You guys just think because there is a thousand of you you can yell and get what you want. AUDIENCE: Kill Steve! Kill Steve! STEVE: Okay! Calm down! Next contestant. The next contestant is the person in the 7th row, the seventh chair. Will you come forward to the stage, please? |
| (Suddenly Scarecrow from Batman sprays Steve with fear gas) Scarecrow: Fight all you want Steve. But you must succumb to the fear. Steve: GIANT DUCKS! Scarecrow: Wait. You fear giant ducks more than anything?! Steve: Their FEET! Their so webbed! Scarecrow: That's it I quit Nic: Wait! You can be our next contestant! |
| CREATOR: Oh shoot. There goes anouther one. You guys consistantly fighting is ruining our show!! AUDIENCE: Uh, one of us still wants to join... CREATOR: NO ONE ASKED YOU!! But Steve, if life is a video game, then why don't you just destroy the perverbial consoll, so there will be no more problems or challenges to solve. Then you would truley be free! NIC: Die you overgrown bird!! *starts tumble with Gothie* STEVE: Dear me, they just won't stop.... CREATOR: Dude, watch this. CREATOR: If you two don't cut it out, We'll dock your pays!! GOTH: We get paid?? |
| NIC: That's news to me! *Nic and Gothie glare at Creator* CREATOR: Er...I think I have somewhere to be right now...*escapes* GOTHIE: *sniffle* Everyone leaves me! STEVE: I haven't left. NIC: Or me. *surreptitiously tries to pinch Gothie* GOTHIE: HEY! I saw that! NIC: *guilty look* I didn't do anything! STEVE: Stop that, you two. GOTHIE: Yeeees, Steve. I'll be a good penguin. STEVE: Well, I don't know if you have to go that far... |
GOTH: How far do I have to go? NIC: Go back to Potato Land! GOTH: No, you go back to Witch Land! NIC: *gasp* Oooooooo, you're gonna get it now! GOTH: Eeeeeeeek! Stop pulling my feathers! NIC: Stop pulling my hair! CREATOR: Steve, is this just going to be one long babe fight? STEVE: Babe? CREATOR: Uhhh, female fight? STEVE: Let them blow off some steam. It's tense work on a quiz show. Maybe it will help them relax. TWIGA: Anyone want to try some of this new Ben and Jerry's flavor? Strawberry-mango-pork. It's really good. And very filling. CREATOR: Good old Ben and Jerry. AUDIENCE: We're getting really angry out here! Where's the quiz show? STEVE: Oh yeah. The main deal. Okay. You in the third row with the funny hat! Come on down! FUNNY HAT: Yaayyyyyy! He picked me! He picked me! STEVE: Be careful when you squeeze past Twiga. |
| Twiga: Dose anyone know what Twiga means? Gothie: Ummmm no. Twiga: It is Swahilli for Giraffe so therefore I'm a giraffe! |
| NIC: Great! Now there's a penguin AND a giraffe! What next? A trained gorilla? STEVE: Well now that you mention it... GOTH: What's so bad about a penguin?! NIC: Everything! Penguins are HORRID little MONSTERS! FUNNY HAT: I have a trained gorilla and I'l sick it on BOTH of you if you don't stop FIGHTING! GOTH: Yo, chill. STEVE: Since when did you talk like that... GOTH: Dude, are you dissing my words? CREATOR: Okkkkk, well we should really get back to Funny Hat and his gorilla... NIC: *screams* A gorilla! Help, Stevie, help! GOTH: Pssh. SO fake. STEVE: *calms Nic down* Its ok, sweetie. He's trained. NIC: *calms down* Thanks, Stevie. *hugs Stevie* GOTH: *gasps* Stevie Whevie! Did you just call HER sweetie?!?! STEVE: Uhhh... CREATOR: What about Funny- NIC: *interrupts Creator* Yeah, Stevie called me Sweetie. What are YOU going to do about it?!?! Huh?! HUH?! |
| GOTHIE: DIIIIIIIE! *leaps on Nic* STEVE: Gothie! Nooo! Don't do that! She paid me, that's why I called her sweetie! I promise! GOTHIE: Fine. *reluctantly gets up and waddles over to Steve* But don't call her that anymore. STEVE: I won't, Gothie Wothie, I promise. NIC: *makes retching sounds* CREATOR: I agree. FUNNY HAT: CAN WE TALK ABOUT ME NOW? STEVE: Why? You're just a guy wearing a funny hat. CREATOR: No, no...I'll read the question. *sigh* How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? |
FUNNY HAT: My brother's name is Chuck! How weird is that? STEVE: Super weird! OMG! {jumps up and down} NIC: There's nothing weird about being named Chuck. Some of my best friends are named Chuck. FUNNY HAT: Do you know my brother? NIC: Get away from me, you weirdo. FUNNY HAT: Aw, poo on you. I'm here to win a million dollars. STEVE: Uhhh... no, not a million dollars. We've never had that prize. FUNNY HAT: Oh. So what is this? Some kind of low-budget quiz show? STEVE: Kind of... but fun! FUNNY HAT: Hmmph! I don't see how it could be much fun if you can't win a million dollars. STEVE: But you could win an orbital canon or a drawing of a soda can or a story or a penguin or who knows what! FUNNY HAT: Yuck. Just ask me the stupid question. STEVE: I already did. FUNNY HAT: Oh, the woodchuck thing? The average woodchuck can chuck 37 board feet of white pine an hour. The chucking rate is 25 feet per hour for maple and 23 feet per hour for red oak. You didn't specify the wood type. STEVE: Uh... oka-a-ay... you win! FUNNY HAT: Whoop-dee-do. Can I have this blue-eyed girl for a prize? NIC: Hey! Get your paws off of me! GOTH: Take her... please. TWIGA: [bashes FUNNY HAT over the head with an iron frying pan] *BONK!* STEVE: Oh no! Why did you do that, Twiga? TWIGA: I sensed danger. FUNNY HAT: Ohhhh, my head... My hat! You've crushed my funny hat! *sob* |
| *Twelve weeks later* STEVE: Wow. We won yet ANOUTHER case! CREATOR: You can thank me, and my awsome laywer finding skills. GOTH: Oh please. It was I who defended us when you were still looking for a lawyer. NIC: No gothieeeeeeee!!! You just took all the credit for what I did!! GOTH: Did not! NIC: Did too! GOTH: Not! NIC: Too! GOTH: NOT! NIC: TOO! TWIGA: But it was me who covered him in ice cream! *Munches on a waffle bowl* STEVE: Will you two please give it a rest? NIC: You are such a fart Goth! GOTH: *Gasps* You're fart! NIC: You're a fart! GOTH: You're a fart! NIC: You're a fart! GOTH: You're a fart! NIC: You're a fart! GOTH: You're a fart! NIC: You're a fart! *short pause* GOTH: You're a fart! NIC: You're a fart! CREATOR: The two of you are the most annoying farts in Canada! |
| GOTHIE: But we're not even IN Canada! CREATOR: And your point is? GOTHIE: THIS ISN'T CANADA! NIC: *chimes in* YEAH! CREATOR: Again...your point is? STEVE: Just allow him his little quirks... |
GOTHIE: LITTLE quirks?! With quirks like that he could start his own reality show called Guess My Quirks. CREATOR: Hmmmm... *scribbles in notebook* STEVE: Wait. ARE we in Canada? I did see a moose yesterday. We ARE in Canada, aren't we? Come on, you can tell me. NIC: What difference does it make, Stevie, as long as WE are together. *glares at Gothie* GOTHIE: *crosses fingers to make an anti-vampire signal against Nic* NIC: *sticks up one finger* STEVE: Eh? Eh? Are we in Canada? Eh? ROO: That's a lousy Canadian impression, Steve. STEVE: EEEEK! Where did YOU come from? ROO: California. STEVE: No, I mean... What are you doing HERE?... Now?... Why? ROO: I had a line to say, Steve. Zheesh! How long have you been doing this show? STEVE: Too long. Whew! ... Roo? .... ROO? TWIGA: Who are you talking to, Steve? STEVE: I'm not sure. Can I talk to you? |
TWIGA: I had a bad dream! STEVE: What was it! TWIGA: I was Alice from Alice in Wonderland and the Mad Hatter tried to kill me! And also Steve was making Tacos with M&Ms and sprinkles. NIC: Ewww! STEVE: Twiga, have you been watching too much Batman? TWIGA: No.... |
| GOTHIE: Are you suuuuure? TWIGA: No... ROO: *appears again* Hi, Steve. How are you? STEVE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'M GOING OUT OF MY MIND! CREATOR: Wait, you were in it in the first place? STEVE: *pouts* GOTHIE: Aww, don't pout, Stevie Whevie, I see Roo, too! CREATOR: Dee Two... *group glare* CREATOR: Sheesh, try to inject a little humor... ROO: It didn't work. CREATOR: Did someone say something? |
ROO: I like being a ghost. STEVE: Wait, you're a ghost? Oh good. I thought I was losing my mind. GOTHIE: I lost my mind once but a little sheep helped me look for it and we spent allll day wandering around in the woods looking for my mind and I would call out: Where are you mind? and Little Sheep would say: Baaaaa! and I would laugh and laugh! Oh, it was so much fun in the woods that day with Little Sheep looking for my mind. STEVE: It's too bad you never found it. NIC: Steve, I don't understand why you let Gothie work here. It's too much of a challenge for her, isn't it? STEVE: It's part of her therapy. Like yours. NIC: Huh? What do you mean? STEVE: Didn't you know that you and Gothie were mental patients assigned to this quiz show for occupational therapy? NIC: No, I didn't. And I don't believe it! TWIGA: It's true. I was here when they removed your straitjacket. NIC: What! This is insane! STEVE: No, it WAS insane but now you're much better. NIC: Stop it! I'm not falling for this "mental patient" crap. CREATOR: Nic and Goth are crazy! Nic and Goth are crazy! Nic and Goth are- NIC: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! GOTHIE: Stevie, where's my little sheep? ROO: I think I'm going to leave now. This place has definitely gone off into a weird direction I don't want to follow. STEVE: [grabs Roo's arm] Hold it, Missy! You're not going anywhere. TWIGA: Let's tie her up. ROO: Help! Help! Maniacs! |
| CREATOR: O...k..., Um, to decide what we shall do next, I challenge you all to a game of...*Pulls out gun loads bullet chamber, and spins bullet chamber*...Russian Roulette! STEVE: But...won't we all be dead? CREATOR: No, watch this. *Fire off all six rounds at nic* NIC: OMG!! Why did you shoot me? CREATOR: To show that while I will it, no one will die, now, back to the game! *Reloads gun with one bullet* *Fires at head, puff of smoke comes out* HA! You're turn STEVE!!!! STEVE: *pulls trigger, nothing happens* Goth's turn. GOTH: *Goth pulls trigger, and gets shot* CREATOR: Opps! You're out gothie! EVERYONE: *laughs* |
| NIC: Na na na na naaaaaaaaa naaaaaaaaaaaa! Gothout! And I'm in! GOTH: *whipers* Stevie Whevie, Nic's teasing me! NIC: Am not! GOTH: Are so! NIC: Am not! Stevie believes me. Right, Stevie? *winks at Stevie* STEVE: Sure. *winks back* CREATOR: *winks for the hell of it* Now what about my game? GOTH: Shut it! We're fighting here! TWIGA: *wakes up* Violence, violence. CREATOR: *frowns* You didn't have to yell... GOTH: I'm just mad, ok?!?! I can't be mad?!?! *glares* STEVE: I thought you said penguins were nice and serene... NIC: Not anymore! *wraps arms around Stevie* STEVE: Hey this is comfortable! NIC: Mhm...Comfortable. *lays head on Stevies shoulder* GOTH: Ugggghhhhhh! I need a penguin moment! *waddles off* STEVE: O...k....On with the show! CREATOR: Are you going to stop holding Nic first? STEVE: In a minute. Its comfy. NIC: *smiles and kisses Stevies cheek* STEVE: See? Now I feel loved! NIC: You are loved. CREATOR: Alrighty then...What about our contestants? |
| GOTHIE: Who gives a squawk about the contestants? *from backstage* CREATOR: Er...we do? GOTHIE: Hah! Maybe you do, but they don't! *sniffles* CREATOR: Are you okay...? GOTHIE: NO! I wanna commit penguincide! CREATOR: *gasps* Noooooo! Don't do it, Gothie, don't do it! GOTHIE: Why noooooot? There's no reason to live anymore! I'm a mental patient! I'm EXPECTED to go crazy and try to off myself, aren't I?? CREATOR: Not necessarily. Plenty of mental patients go crazy and try to off OTHER people. GOTHIE: Oh. CREATOR: Yeah. For instance, you could go into an insane jealous rage and try to get Nic... NIC: Hey! GOTHIE: Hmm...there's a possibility...*smirks evilly* Oh, Niiiic...could you come here a moment? |
NIC: Um... I'm busy right now. GOTH: It's urgent, Nic! It's about Steve! NIC: It is? Uh... okay. But I need you to guarantee I'll be safe before I come back there. GOTH: Hahaha! Don't be silly! I'm just a penguin. What could I do? Anyway, this isn't about me, it's about Steve. And it's urgent! Please hurry! NIC: Okay. [goes backstage] What do you want? GOTH: I'll tell you what I want. I want you to keep your freakin' mitts off of Steve! He's mine! Not yours! I was here first! NIC: Well I'm really sorry you're so upset because you lost your boyfriend but- GOTH: I didn't LOSE my boyfrind, you little tramp! You wiggled in here and STOLE him. NIC: I did not wiggle! GOTH: Yes you did! I saw you wiggling every time he looked at you! NIC: Is it my fault Steve likes wiggling? GOTH: It's your fault you wiggle! Stop wiggling! NIC: No, I'm not going to stop wiggling. GOTH: [grabs Nic's shirtfront and speaks in a low hoarse voice] We can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way. NIC: Steve! Creator1 Twiga! Somebody! Help! |
CREATOR: You have hooves?!? Since when? TWIGA: Since I came from the moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon!!!!!!!!!!! Anyone have any ice cream? STEVE: Yeah...it's in the back... TWIGA: ICY CWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!! *Rushes off to the back* STEVE: O.....k....On with the show! NIC: Our next contestent, is Minnesota Idaho! Come on down Minny!! *Huge applause* CREATOR: Welcome Minny, now, it's time for you're question. What is...2 plus 2? MINNY: Uh...can I use my hint? STEVE: What hint? CREATOR: Yeah, the ratings were falling, so I added a help portion where the contestent gets a hint. And Minny, you're hint is, between three, and five. MINNY: Is the answer...uh...give me a minute...*Twelve hours later*..give me a minute...just one more....uh......six? *buzzer sound* CREATOR Noooooo......I'm sorry Minny, 2+2, does not equal four. Steve, tell her what her consolation prize is! STEVE: Huh? She lost? |
| MINNY: *gasps* I knew I should have said fish. Fish is always right! *pouts* CREATOR: Yes, Steve, she lost. Amazed, huh? STEVE: Yup. NIC: Minny, are you Minny Mouse? MINNY: Uh...Well...I...Uh...Don't...Really...Uh...RUN!!! *runs away* NIC: Was that a no? *silence* NIC: Well? STEVE: Nic...It's gonna be ooookkkk. NIC: Oh. Well...That's good, then. STEVE: So, Nic, who's our next contestant? CREATOR: Our next contestant is...RAINBO- NIC: Woah woah woah woah WOAH. Hold up. Didn't Steve just say "NIC, who's our next contestant"?! CHEERLEADER IN AUDIENCE: *has 'cheerleader moment'* Hold up, wait a minute! Lemme put some boom in it! Our team is BOOM dynamite! Our team is BOOM dynamite! Your team is...PSYCHE! CREATOR: Uh...yes, well...That was...Odd... NIC: Exactly. And I REFUSE to pick a contestant named 'Rainbow whatever'. CREATOR: Yes ma'am. NIC: Good, now. I pick whoever that cheerleader was! I know that cheer! Just never say it here again because some people here (including me) have dirty minds... STEVE: Come on up, cheerleader girl! What's your name? |
| CHEERLEADER GIRL: Dyna Dynamite! Rah rah rah! STEVE: O--kay...Dyna... CHEERLEADER GIRL: Dyna DYNAMITE, actually. You have to say both parts. STEVE: Right. Dyna Dynamite. Gotcha. CHEERLEADER GIRL: Exactly! Rah rah! *waves pom poms* CREATOR: Are you ready for your question? *high-pitched squawk from backstage* GOTHIE waddles out, her eyes red with fury. GOTHIE: Okay, who stomped me?? *everyone points at Twiga* TWIGA: Eeeep! *runs* GOTHIE: COME BACK HERE!!! *chases after Twiga* CREATOR: Anyway, back to Dyna... CHEERLEADER GIRL: Dyna Dynamite, please. Thank you. Rah rah rah! CREATOR: Uh, yeah, whatever, Dyna Dynamite, yeah. Your question is... |
STEVE: The question is: If you were twirling a flaming baton and your pom poms caught on fire but you saw that a small child had wandered onto the field and was about to be squashed by the band, specifically the tuba player because he was a fat guy and he wasn't looking where he was going, but at the same time you realized there was a terrorist in the stands, what would you do first? Put out the fire, save the kid, or call 9-1-1? CHEERLEADER GIRL: Gosh, I don't even remember what you said! CREATOR: What are you doing, Steve? can't you ask a simple question? NIC: Yeah? What's the deal with trying to confuse the cheerleader? It's not fair. AUDIENCE: [stomping feet] Not fair! Not fair! Not fair! STEVE: OK! OK! Somebody else ask the question, then. [Twiga comes running by with Goth chasing her and Minny chasing Goth] MINNY: Give me back my fish! |
| (To story creator: I have hooves cuz I said i was a giraffe) Nic: Anyone just want to go home yet? Audiance: I Do! I do! |
| (To Twiga: Whoops) CREATOR: No! Don't go home! We finally got the ratings up high enough to fight for the primetime slot! COME Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!! AUDIENCE: Only one of us is leaving, and thats because she's in labor. CREATOR: Oh. Well, our next contestant is... DYNA DYNAMITE: HEY!!! It's still my turn!! CREATOR: Oh. Yeah, about that, you lost. DYNA DYNAMITE: What? *Trapdoor opens under Dyna's feet, she falls into a pool of acid* IT BUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! CREATOR: As I was saying, our next contestant is Louisiana Mississippi! Come on down! LOUIS: Please call me Louis. STEVE: Sure...uh, your question is...*Tweleve minute later* Wow! You are onoly one question away from the trillion dollar question! Now, if you go on, you can get that trillion dollars, but if you go home, you can keep the four billion you just won! What are you gonna do? LOUIS: Well, the rational choice would be to cut my loses and go home with four billion dollars, but I'm felling risky today! Lets go! STEVE: Ok! And your question is, in what year did Maximillion Robesphiere die? LOUIS: Why that's easy. It was... GOTH: Get back here you girrafe, pig, person thing!! TWIGA: Scarrrry!!!! MINNY: MY FISHY!!!! *Huge triade runs over Louis, confusing her* LOUIS: Uh....wow, I'm Dizzzy...1980....weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!! CREATOR: No, I'm sorry, you are wrong.You have lost all the money you just made. LOUIS:*comes back to her sences* Huh? What happened? STEVE: This triade of people ran you over, causing you to shout out the incorrect answer. LOUIS: *In enraged fury* WHAT?!?!* Transforms into hidious demon* MUST DESTROY PENGUIN!!!!! *Rushes off to find Goth* CREATOR:...This show keeps getting wierder and wierder.... STEVE: Oh, you got that right bro... NIC: I'm baaaaaack!! |
| GOTHIE: NO YOU'RE NOT! *pushes nic into vat of acid as waddles past, followed by Twiga and Louise* CREATOR: That wasn't nice... NIC: *voice muffled* Heeeeeeelp! CREATOR: *peers over* Oh, I didn't know that ledge was there! NIC: Neither did I. Can you help me up? CREATOR: I suppose... GOTHIE: NOooooooo! Don't do it! Pleeeeease? *big adorable penguin eyes* CREATOR: *whispers* Just hang tight, I'll save you...eventually. NIC: Gee, thanks. I hate you, too. |
CREATOR: *whispers louder* I said I would save you eventually, didn't I? NIC: When is eventually? CREATOR: Uh... after a few events have happened? NIC: Well don't just stand there! Make some events happen! CREATOR: Oh... uh, sure! Hey, Steve? What's happening? STEVE: Oh, nothing much at the moment. CREATOR: I need something to happen, man. STEVE: You know what they say. CREATOR: What? STEVE: If you want something to happen you have to do it yourself. CREATOR: Who says that? STEVE: Happening people. GOTH: *running by* Heeeelp! LOUIS: *chasing Goth* I'm going to destroy you! STEVE: There goes an event. CREATOR: Hey yeah... right. *chases after Louis and Goth* Hey! Heyyy! Wait up! MINNY: Where'd they go? TWIGA: *pointing* That way. [Minny chases after Creator and Louis and Goth] TWIGA: *yawn* STEVE: Did you get enough sleep last night? |
| Twiga: Yes I did! And What's more I met our next contestant in my dream! Steve: Uh oh! Twiga: Meet the Evil Fork! (A cute cartoon fork appears) Evil Fork: Hi there! Nic: Huh? (Fork grows Devil's horns and roars) Gothie: I'm afraid. |
| CREATOR: To conclude my previous question, yes, things apparently can get wierder on the show... WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THIS!?! STEVE: Thats because you're a noob. CREATOR: Excuse me? STEVE: Compared to me, the old co-host Al, and many other abandoned characters living their lives out in cardboard boxes, you have little, or no senority at all, thus you deserve to know less. CREATOR: Ugh. It's college all over again... STEVE: Yes it is...yes it is... GOTH: Someone HELP!!! *Louis has cornered Goth, and is preparing to eat her* |
| NIC: STTEEEVVVIIIEEE! HHEEELLLPPPP!!! Get me outta here! STEVE: Uh, well, I, uh... CREATOR: Well...Nic WAS in trouble first... STEVE: Good idea! I'm coming, Nic! *takes Nic out and closes that whatever-it-is forever* GOTH: WHAT?!?! What about me?!?! I'm about to be ea- *Louis (who is that?) eats Goth* GOTH: *in muffled voice* Steve?...Steve?...I'm scared...I don't like the dark! NIC: Thanks for saving me, Stevie...*smiles* STEVE: Anytime. NIC: How could I EVER repay you... STEVE: You could tell me who is saying my name... |
| GOTHIE: IT'S ME, STEVE, YOU IDIOT WILL YOU GET ME OUT OF HERE????? STEVE: Oh! *gasp* Gothie, what are you doing in there? GOTHIE: Where have you been? He ate me!! LOUIS: Mmmmmmmm. STEVE: *strikes heroic pose* I'LL save you, Gothie! CREATOR: Oh not again...*rolls eyes* |
STEVE: Give back that maiden, you varmint! LOUIS: *burp* Who you calling a varmint? STEVE: You are! You ate my cue card girl! LOUIS: Geez, man. You can get another cue card girl. STEVE: I don't want another one! I want THAT one! GOTH: [muffled] Steve! Help! STEVE: *punches Louis in stomach* Let her out! GOTH: [muffled] Ouch! You idiot! Don't punch him in the belly! Punch his head! STEVE: Oh. Right. *punches Louis in head* Thanks for just standing there while all the dialog plays out. LOUIS: My jaw! I think you broke a tooth! You're welcome, but I'm just following the script. I get so tired of playing these "weirdo villain" parts. STEVE: Hey! You think I still enjoy this announcer gig after 7 years of it? *punches Louis in eye* LOUIS: Ow! Ow! Ow! I give up! *regurgitates Gothie* AUDIENCE: Ewwwwwww! CREATOR: Here's a towel. You probably want to wipe yourself off. GOTH: Thanks. TWIGA: What's that stuff all over her. NIC: I think they call it bile or digestive juice or something. TWIGA: I like juice. Especially orange juice. But not with a lot of pulp in it. NIC: That digestive juice has a lot of pulp in it. AUDIENCE: Ewwwwwww! TWIGA: Hey, where did the cute cartoon fork with the devil's horns go? FORK: I'm still here. This show is weird. |
| FORK: Um. Paris? CREATOR: No I'm sorry you're...did you say Paris? FORK: Um. Yeah. CREATOR: Oh my me..he got it right...CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!! *fan fare plays, confetti is spryed everywhere, nic and gothie are dancing toegether* FORK: Whoa whoa whoa WHOA!! Whats with all this? CREATOR: You sir, are the first person to get a question correct!! Gothie, tell him what he's won! GOTHIE: It's a Knife! FORK: YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! KNIFE: DUDE!! It's my old chum Fork!! FORK: Knife! It's been so long! KNIFE: Yeah man....*They walk out of the studio happy and talking* CREATOR: Wow. For the first time, absoulutly nothing went wrong! *The spin wheel decoration falls off it's hinges and squishes mambers of the audience* STEVE: Wow, that lasted only four seconds.... TWIGA: A new record! EVERYONE: TWIGA! You said something that had to do with the current event! TWIGA: Rainbows!! *Everyone sighs* |
| GOTHIE: So much for that... TWIGA: Crystal ponies! NIC: What on earth does that have to do with anything? *confuzzled look* TWIGA: I want a giraffe! *wanders off stage* CREATOR: So anyway...another contestant! NIC: Awwwww, I don't wanna pick another contestant! STEVE: You have to pick another contestant. *ominous look* *thunder crashes overhead* GOTHIE: EEEEEEEEEEEEEK! I'm scared of thunder! *leaps into Steve's arms, cowering in fear* STEVE: Well, it's needed for dramatic effect. *spits feathers out* Sorry. |
GOTHIE: *rubs saliva into feathers* Makes them shiny! STEVE: Uh... yeah. Okay, that thunder you heard crashing was not random, folks. It signaled our next contestant... Thunder Girl. She used to be Lightning Girl but then she gained a little weight. Okay... a LOT of weight. So now she's Thunder Girl. CREATOR: Does she have thunder thighs? STEVE: She has thunder everything, even thunder ears and thunder toes. GOTH: That's a lot of thunder. STEVE: Yes, but the sad part is she only uses it to get her way, like breaking into the front of the line at a big event. NIC: I hear when she's stuck in traffic she uses thunder to get the other cars off the road. TWIGA: I heard she scare chickens with it. STAGEHAND: What about love-making? STEVE: Who gave you a speaking part? STAGEHAND: My curiosity overwhelmed me. I had to ask: Does she make thunder when she's making love? STEVE: She can answer that herself because here she is! [Roof caves in as Thunder Girl crashes through the ceiling and lands on the stage. Stage bounces up and down three times.] THUNDER GIRL: HELLO, EVERYBODY!!! STEVE: Ouch! Can you speak without booming? THUNDER GIRL: Oh, sorry. How's this? What's my question? STEVE: Good question, Thunder Girl, but I'm supposed to ask YOU a question, not you ask me. THUNDER GIRL: I know that! I was just wondering what is the question you are going to ask me? STEVE: There you go again with a question, Thunder Girl... THUNDER GIRL: STOP IT!!! ASK ME THE FREAKIN QUESTION!!! TWIGA: Ouch! Ouch! Too much thunder! STEVE: Wait! Twiga! Where are you going? |
| Twiga: I think we should have a different kind of game show! The kind where teams compete against teams! So I'm going to find jocks and compete them against some nerds! |
| CREATOR: NO TWIGA!!! TWIGA: TISNF!!! CREATOR: YOU TALKING LIKE A COMPUTOR IS WHAT'S SO " SNF!!!" NOW SDFN, AND GDFO!!!!! TWIGA: WAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!*Runs off backstage* STEVE: Aww, weren't you a little harsh on Twigs? NIC: Yeah, totally harsh man! CREATOR: Well, sometimes you gotta be tough on them... STEVE: But she was just promotinbg new ideas... NIC: Yeah, new ideas! CREATOR: New ideas are forbidden via the third law of primapes. STEVE: But we're people!! NIC: Yeah people! STEVE: Not parrots either! NIC: Yeah, not-oh...*Blushes and quitly steps away* CREATOR: ANYWAY, technically, humans/god-like beings are forms of monkey, therefore putting us in the position of following monkey code. THUNDER GIRL: UM, QUESTION TIME? STEVE: But, we're smarter then monkeys, doesn't that account for anything? CREATOR: Not in my book it doesn't. STEVE: What book? THUNDER GIRL: EXCUSE ME! CREATOR: Ugh. HERE, take this workout gear, and get the hell out! Can't you see I'm in the middle of an important debate. Gosh, the RUDENESS of some people... THUNDER GIRL: WOW! THANKS CREATOR! *Rushes off to try out work out gear* |
| CREATOR: Now, like I was saying... NIC: You were talking? CREATOR: YEEES, I was talking! NIC: Oh, sorry. Continue, I guess. *falls asleep* CREATOR: *shakes head* Some people...Anyway... STEVE: Aaaaaand we're out of time! CREATOR: But this isn't timed! STEVE: It is now! So, anyway, Gothie, read any good books lately? GOTHIE: How could I? All I've been doing is this show! STEVE: Oh, right...Sorry. |
GOTHIE: Could we have a short vacation, Steve? Like maybe four days or something? Not even a full week. Just four days. STEVE: Gothie, are you lazy? GOTHIE: No! I'm a good girl. STEVE: If we took a vacation our audience would start watching our competitors and we would lose our audience share. GOTHIE: But if we all get burned-out from overwork the show will not be as good and we will lose audience share anyway. AUDIENCE: Can we share in this conversation? STEVE: No! THUNDER GIRL: Hey! Hey, Game Man! STEVE: What? THUNDER GIRL: This cheap workout equipment you gave me broke as soon as I tried to use it. I want a better prize. STEVE: Then you have to answer another question. Twiga? What question does Thunder Girl have to answer? |
| THUNDER GIRL: IT GO BOOOOOM!!!! CREATOR: Congratulations. You've won a monkey. *Hands thunder girl nic* NIC: I'm no monkey!! THUNDER GIRL: YAY!!!!!!! I ALWAYS WANTED MY OWN PET!!! NIC: Nooooooooooo!!!! *She gets carried away by thunder girl* STEVE: Nice one Creator, now who's gonna fight with gothie and make the story interesting? |
| NIC: *bites Thunder Girl and comes back to the show* Why you little...(talking about Creator by the way) CREATOR: I am NOT little! STEVE: Hm, this is going to be interesting... NIC: Ugh!!! *attacks Creator* CREATOR: *screams like a girl* GOTH: *shakes head* Temper, temper...Is this how it feels to watch me and Nic fight? STEVE: Yup. Great, huh? NIC: You are DEAD! CREATOR: But wait! It was Goths fault! She told me to do it! NIC: *stops and slowly turns to glare at Goth evilly* Oh, really? *runs towards Goth* GOTH: Eeeekkk! Creator, how COULD you?!?! *runs away* NIC: Come back here! *grabs Goth by the hair* |
| GOTHIE: Owwwww! Nic! He's lying! I never told him that! NIC: You didn't? *suspicious look* GOTHIE: *shakes head vehemently* NO! What's more, I can prove it! *brandishes tape recorder* CREATOR: Nooooooooo! *tries to take recorder away* NIC: Nuh-uh! *glares* I wanna know what this recorder says! GOTHIE: *presses play button* *Creator's voice comes out* Creator: Yeah, so I am totally going to say nic is a monkey and give her to Thunder Girl and then blame it on Gothie! Steve: Heh, sounds good to me! *Gothie and nic turn to glare at Creator and Steve* |
STEVE: Errrr... Those are good actors. They sound just like me and Creator. Right, Creator? CREATOR: Uh, yeah. Good actors. GOTHIE: Those aren't actors! That's the real thing. STEVE: Really? Let me see that tape. *tosses tape to Creator* Run away! GOTH: Come back here with that tape! NIC: It doesn't matter. I heard it. I know what was really said. Steve? I'm ashamed of you. STEVE: Sorry. um... I was just playing along with him. I never thought he'd really do it. THUNDER GIRL: Can I have Twiga for a pet? |
| CREATOR: Yeah, uh. That's all the time we have Thunder girl. THUNDER GIRL: Awww. I wanted Nic... NIC: HISSSSS!!! THUNDER GIRL: Uh, never mind. Can I have the penguin? GOTH: What? NO! CREATOR: Acually, yes you can! THUNDER GIRL: YAY!!! NIC: But Creator,-- CREATOR: Now Nic, you have Steve all to yourself! NIC: Bye Gothie! GOTH: STEVE! Save me! STEVE: Nope. You ratted me and Creator out. I'm not helping you! GOTH: NOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooo.......*Gothie is carried away by Thunder Girl* |
| NIC: Yes! Stevie! You're mine! *hugs Stevie* STEVE: I thought you were mad...? NIC: Well, I forgive you now. I love you! You love me! We're a happy family! TWIGA: Purple dinosaurs! STEVE: Was she just...right? CREATOR: Yeah... NIC: anyway...Aren't you going to hug me back, Stevie? STEVE: Oh...Right...*hugs Nic* NIC: Yay! *lays head on Stevie's chest* CREATOR: This seems more like a reality show than a game show now... |
TWIGA: Barney would have never killed his girlfriend. STEVE: I didn't kill Goth! Creator gave her to Thunder Girl as a pet. NIC: Shhh... Relax, Steve. Everything is going to be perfect now, my darling. STEVE: And no girl would ever be Barney's girlfriend anyway. If she was then she would probably kill her own self. TWIGA: How dare you mock Barney! NIC: I'll feed you some grapes, Steve. Lay on this couch. STEVE: Barney is a big dumb purple dinosaur and no one likes him. TWIGA: Stop it! He's cute and adorable and lovable... and huggable. STEVE: Didn't you know he's an old man in a moth-eaten dinosaur suit? He farts in there and the kids on the show say "Ewww!" and then they have to edit the tape. NIC: I'm not listening to anymore of your Barney mocking! The long-distance phone charges from France are too high for me to listen to such dribble drabble. STEVE: Oh yeah? Well gobble gobble! TWIGA: Arf! Arf! STEVE: Quack! Quack! Quack! |
| Twiga: I'd like to idroduce the new contestaint here from France! Here's Quasimodo, the Hunchback of Notre Dame! |
| CREATOR: Hmmp. A hunchback. HUNCHY: Hey! You make fun of back? CREATOR: No. I make no fun of back. Nor I make fun of Speech. HUNCHY: Grrr... STEVE: Anyway!, Mr. Hunch, your question is...*Thunder Girl bursts in through celling* THUNDER GIRL: Keep your stupid penguin! *Throws Gothie at Steve* *Flys away* NIC: O......k..... CREATOR: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT?!? GOTHIE: Hmmp. She just dosen't appreciate my art! STEVE: What did you do? GOTHIE: I chopped up all her furniture, arranged it into fish shapes, and sold them on E-bay for ten bucks! CREATOR: So your back for good now? GOTHIE: YES! NIC: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooo................. HUNCHY: Where this leave me? |
| NIC: In the dumps! HUNCHY: Hey! You no be mean to me! NIC: Yes, me be mean to you. Me in bad mood! Me take it out on...*looks around* Goth! Grrrrr! *runs towards Goth with axe in hand* GOTH: Eeeeekkkkk! *runs away* NIC: Die! STEVE: Oh, this is going to be GOOD *watches in amusement I'm rooting for Nic. GOTH: Hey! NIC: Thanks, Stevie! STEVE: Anytime, Nic. CREATOR: Well I'm with Goth. As long as she doesn't stop the fight with another 'negotiation' of hers. NIC: Aaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh! *swings axe wildly, trying to hit Goth* AUDIENCE: *gasps* |
| GOTHIE: *pulls out hand grenade* Stay back! Back! I'm warning you! NIC: YIKES! *shrieks* Noooooo, don't do that! ANYTHING BUT THAT! *cowers* GOTHIE: Jeez Louise, it's just a hand grenade! What is wrong with you? CREATOR: I don't know. She's calling for her mommy now. NIC: MOMMYYYYYY!!! STEVE: Oh! Oh yeah! She's afraid of hand grenades. GOTHIE: *deadpan look* No...really. |
HUNCHY: What this mean: hand grenade? STEVE: It's like an exploding taco. HUNCHY: Huh? Why you say taco? You make fun of me? STEVE: No, I make fun WITH you. You see, Nic wanted to chop Gothie up with an axe but Gothie pulled out a hand grenade and told Nic to stand back. HUNCHY: These girls, they hate each other very much, no? STEVE: Yes. HUNCHY: Yes it is no? STEVE: No, no it's not no, it's yes. HUNCHY: Ahhhhh... In my country we put these girls in big tub of JELLO and let them fight there for our amusement. STEVE: We tried that but Nic kept eating all the Jello. HUNCHY: Put pepper in the Jello then she no eat, yes? CREATOR: Anybody heard from Twiga? MYSTERIOUS PERSON WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE STANDING THERE: Yes. She's on the line right now. I'll put her on speaker phone. |
| Twiga: I'm coming back from France! By the way when is this Campfire going to end? I feel like with been playing for 10 years! |
| CREATOR: Doesn't the fire end when there have been a certain amount of additions? STEVE: Well, uh, even if this one ends due to too much adds, I can always open up anouther one to continue our exploits as TV Game show hosts. CREATOR: Oh. Ok. *Continues to watch Nic and Goth fight* |
| NIC: *pulls out flamethrower* I bet THIS will scare you half to death! *starts shooting flame* GOTH: Nnnnnooooooooo! Me no likey heat! You'll melt my ice! *runs* AUDENCE: *puts on flame resistant-suits* STEVE: *puts on same suit* Hmmm...This fits SO well. Though I'm not sure I look so good in spandex... CREATOR: Definitely not...Even I, the God, didn't see that one coming... STEVE: What? The spandex suits? CREATOR: No. I mean you looking so bad in it... STEVE: Well, it was YOUR fault. CREATOR: How so? STEVE: You supposedly run this thing. CREATOR: No...The script writer people do. STEVE: Oh. Really? GOTH: HHHHEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPP!!!!!!! MMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! STEVE: Did you hear something? CREATOR: I think it was just the wind...I don't see any mysterious voice like things in this script... STEVE: Lemme see that. *looks over Creator's shoulder at script* NIC: Die, you stupid penguin!!!! *keeps shooting flamethrower at Goth* STEVE: I think thats the old script...You weren't there at the last-minute emergency meeting called last night...HERE'S the new one. *hands Creator copy of script* CREATOR: Oh. It says here "While Creator and Steve debate about spandex suits, script writers, mysterious voices, and new scripts...Nic comes dangerously close to finally succeeding in her life-long dream of destroying Goth with a flamethrower" STEVE: Hmmm...Sounds interesting. Did we miss all that? CREATOR: I don't know...Hey, what are those two doing? *looks over at Nic chasing Goth with a flame-thrower* GOTH: My tail's on fire!!!! My tail's on fire!!!! NIC: Well, waddle faster! Muahahahahaaa! *evil cackle* GOTH: *waddles faster* |
| GOTHIE: Evil hag! NIC: HEY! *gasp of shock* I am not a hag! GOTHIE: I notice you don't refute "evil," however. NIC: Hey...wait a minute...I'm not evil, either! GOTHIE: You're trying to burn my tailfeathers off! That is the definition of evil! NIC: No, it isn't! *flamethrower runs out of fuel* GOTHIE: *smirks* Heh, heh, heh. |
STEVE: Now the shoe is on the other foot. SHOE SALESMAN: Sorry. CREATOR: You bring another random character popping in unannounced? STEVE: Oh, excuuuuuse me. Ladies and gentleman! Let me introduce to you- CREATOR: Never mind. We've got work to do. Nic's run out of fuel. We need to equip Gothie with a weapon of mass desrtruction. STEVE: Scarlet Fever, Yellow Fever? CREATOR: Purple Fever. STEVE: Ahhhhh, diabolical. SHOE SALESMAN: Would you like to try these in a 12? STEVE: Do you think I have clown feet?! I said 11, dammit! 11! SHOE SALESMAN: They're pretty snug on you. STEVE: Shut up and get out of here! I didn't even WANT any shoes! I just brought you in as a joke! SHOE SALESMAN: *gasp* TWIGA: It's okay. Don't mind Steve. He can be harsh but underneath he's a good guy. SHOE SALESMAN: Hmph! I'm leaving. STEVE: Don't let the door bang your butt on the way out! STEVE: Twiga! TWIGA: Yes, sir? STEVE: What's the next line of the script? |
| CREATOR: No one freakin' cares Hunchy! Just go HOME!! HUNCHY: *Sobs, tears slowly drain down his cheeks as he prepares for one huge cry stream* STEVE: Oh...cowpie... HUNCHY: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!HAUHAUHAU!!!!!!!!!!!WAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! *sobs all the way out of building* EVERYONE, EXCEPT CREATOR: Nice one Creator, you just set us up for ANOUTHER law suit! CREATOR: Well Gee wilikers! EVERYONE, EXCEPT CREATOR: What does that mean? EVERYONE, EXCEPT CREATOR: Hey, how are we saying the same things similtainiously? EVERYONE, EXCEPT CREATOR: Hey, again! EVERYONE, EXCEPT CREATOR: And again.. EVERYONE, EXCEPT CREATOR: And again.. EVERYONE, EXCEPT CREATOR: And again.. EVERYONE, EXCEPT CREATOR: And again.. EVERYONE, EXCEPT CREATOR: And again.. CREATOR: SHUT UP YOU BLABBERING NINNIES!! EVERYONE, EXCEPT CREATOR: *They stare at Creator with malicious intent* CREATOR: Oh sweet me, AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!* Runs away* |
| NIC: *comes back with chainsaw* THIS won't run out of fuel, will it?!?! Evil hag, huh??? We'll see about that! *chases after Goth again* GOTH: Eeeeeeekkkkkkk! *runs with Creator* Hey, I didn't know you were here. CREATOR: Yeah well. You're running too, huh? GOTH: Yeah. The evil hag is at it again. CREATOR: Ah. NIC: I am NOT an evil hag! Stevie, tell her I'm not an evil hag! STEVE: Goth, she's not an evil hag. Now both of you, stop it. I'm busy. It's not really all that easy to calm an angry mob down. TWIGA: Yes it is. KaPLOW! *mob is calmed down* STEVE: Shut up. GOTH: What about MMMEEEEEE???!!!??? NIC: Muahahahahaaa! *evil cackle* Die, you stupid penguin! *cuts off Goth's tailfeathers* HA! Spilled a little blood there, didn't I? CREATOR: Blood?!?!?! *faints* STEVE: Wimp. |
| GOTHIE: *is unconscious from shock and blood loss* STEVE: NIC! How could you do that? NIC: Uhm...it was easy? STEVE: Call 911! TWIGA: *calls 911* Hello, 911? We have an unconscious penguin here... |
911: An unconscious what? TWIGA: Penguin! An unconscious penguin! 911: For a moment there I thought you said penguin. TWIGA: I did! Penguin! 911: Ma'am, this is 911, not the zoo. TWIGA: Should I call the zoo, then? 911: *click* TWIGA: 911 hung up on me! STEVE: That's harsh. Somebody get a glass of cold water. CREATOR: Why don't you get it? NIC: No! Don't save her, Steve! After she's gone, it will be just you and me forever and ever! STEVE: And the other people you haven't killed yet. NIC: I'll take care of them later. One death at a time, Steve. Now... DO NOT GET A GLASS OF WATER! TWIGA: Never mind, I got the water. *throws glass of water on Gothie* GOTH: *choke, sputter, gasp* Help! I'm drowning! |
| CREATOR: *Gives Twiga Jamba Juice* TWIGA: Thanks Creator! *Waddles off with juice* NIC: WADDLE? MUST DESTROY!! *Chases after Twiga* GOTH: *Comes-to* What happened...NIC!!! *Grabs chainsaw* You're in for it!! STEVE: Ah, just like old times... CREATOR: You said it. AUDIENCE: That's it. We're leaving |
| NIC: Twiga! I SAID not to get that water! NOW you're in for it! *aims laser, which I had borrowed from Keive a while back, at Twiga* TWIGA: *suddenly dissapears* NIC: *gasps* STEVE: *gasps* NIC: Aaaawwww he copied me! *beams and hugs my Stevie* CREATOR: Aaaawwww he copied me! *beams but decides not to hug Steve* NIC: Ok, now that's just WIERD...Oh well. Anyway on to Goth! *aims at Goth* *fires* GOTH: *is zapped with laser beam* *chainsaw crumbles to ashes* *Goth is frozen in running position with eyes wide open, and hands looking as if they're holding a chainsaw* STEVE: Nice job, Nic... NIC: Thanks, Stevie! STEVE: Anytime... |
CREATOR: Okay, let's see... so far Nic has killed Twiga and Gothie. I guess I'm next, huh? NIC: [evil grin] Goth's not really dead, just paralyzed. CREATOR: Are you like that wasp that stings caterpillars and then buries them in the ground with her eggs? When the eggs hatch, the baby wasps feed on the paralyzed caterpillars. NIC: You really know your biology, don't you? CREATOR: I have a baby turtle in a bowl in my room. NIC: And? CREATOR: And what? NIC: And what do baby turtles have to do with anything? CREATOR: I don't know... Save the turtles? NIC: I'm not even saving the humans. *zaps Creator with laser beam* STEVE: You're evil, Nic. NIC: Awww, I love it when you sweet talk me. STEVE: [shivering with cold fear] What about me? Am I next? NIC: Stop shivering! Want me to turn up the thermostat? STEVE: It's on 80 already. NIC: But I like it HOT! STEVE: Okay, okay... turn it up then. Where did Twiga go when she disappeared? NIC: Some alternate universe somewhere. STEVE: I wonder where... |
| STEVE: Nic, I know you have the brains of a seven week old piece of limburger cheese, but you can't kill everyone, even if the're annoying! NIC: Must...DESTROY!!! *Runs toward Steve with chainsaw* *Huge burst of light pirces Nic's eyes* NIC: What in God's name... CREATOR: Why thank you! *Creator and Goth desend from heavenly light* CREATOR: Did you really think that sending a Bajillion volts of high grade plasma into my body via a sub-molecular atom smasher would destroy me? I'm God, remember? And now, *goth and Creator suddenly get sniper rifels* may the revenge initiate! *Creator and Goth fire off a thousand rounds at Nic TWIGA: Hola me amigos!Como Estas? |
| NIC: *hates spanish so speaks in only other language she knows...Italian!* Sto bene, grazie! Questi dimwits pensano che un fucile possa aiutarlo! Inoltre, non potete combattere con una sorella che non ho? CREATOR: Uhhh...What'd she just say? STEVE: I'm not exactly sure...Should I guess or check some translating website? GOTH: Translating website... CREATOR: Or you could guess and laugh at what she said until she can't stand it any longer and is forced to tell us, so as not to be embarrassed by what we think she said... GOTH: Ummmm.....Uhhhhh.....Wait....We do a what now? STEVE: We say she said what we think she said which isnt what she said but will trick her into TELLING us what she said. Get it? GOTH: *has blank expression* *starts to drool* CREATOR: There she goes again! Drooling on the tile I JUST got my slave to clean! **** it! TWIGA: *gasps* You CURSED! Drop and give me 20! CREATOR: *drops to the floor and gives Twiga $20* NIC: *takes their guns while they're distracted* *chuckles to self* *notices what is going on* *feels she should intervene* *sighs* Thats not what she MEANT Story. CREATOR: Why are you the ONLY one who calls me 'Story'??? Look at the huge capital letters before everything I say! It's CREATOR!!! NIC: Ah but your name is ORIGANALLY (definitely probably not spelled right) STORY Creator. And so, I dub thee Story! *taps Story lightly on the shoulder with sword* Understand? CREATOR: No...But why not telling us what you said in italian? |
STEVE: I think she called us dimwits... unless "dimwits" is an Italian word that means something else... like pizza. And "Sto bene, grazie!" must mean "Yo, Benny! Thanks!" So I'm wondering now... who is Benny? BENNY: I am Benny. You don't remember me? STEVE: Should I? BENNY: I was your third grade teacher. STEVE: Mr Benny! I didn't recognize you without a piece of chalk in your hand. Still teaching? BENNY: I had to retire. I developed a chalk-eating fetish and was coughing chalk dust whnever I spoke. The kids called me Old Smokey. STEVE: That's too bad. BENNY: I don't miss it. Am I about done here? STEVE: That's up to you. Stay as long as you like. BENNY: Yeah, well when they called me this morning and said Steve needs you right away I said OK, but I can only stay a little while. Some kids were drawing on my sidewalk with chalk last night and I have to go home and lick it clean. STEVE: I understand. BENNY: Do you? STEVE: No. NIC: Stee-eeeve! You wasted your whole turn on that Benny creep and didn't mention me once! CREATOR: Or me... or Goth. Say, where did Goth go? NIC: I told you, another dimension. STEVE: Hey, Twiga! Did you finish beating up your little sister yet? |
| Twiga: Yes I finished beating up my little sister Nic: What's next? Twiga: What next is a furry convention. |
| CREATOR: Hey Steve, ever wonder what Twiga feels like? STEVE: Whadaya mean? CREATOR: Well, exactly 94.87960485% of the time, she does something random, like she's in her own world.... STEVE: Now that ya mention it.... CREATOR: I wonder what it's like...*pictures world with lots of rainbows and leprachans chasing pots of gold* Lucky.... |
| NIC: Psh. Who would want a world like THAT? My world is just the opposite. Blackness, flames, firey horrors, the three d's (death, destruction, despair). Shall I go on? GOTH: *appears out of nowhere* You are one sad, strange little girl. NIC: Proud of it. And you are one sad, strange little penguin. Well, sorry but this small, puny, pathetic-looking addition is all I have time for at the moment. See ya around! I'm on break!... *stops* *thinks* See you all in about 5 minutes. *leaves for five minutes* |
| GOTHIE: Quick! While she's gone! Let's pack up the entire studio complete with audience and move it while she's not looking so she'll never find us again! STEVE: Is that even possible? GOTHIE: Probably not. But we have to try! *assumes noble look* KNIGHT: *wanders in* Hey, could you stop stealing my noble looks? GOTHIE: *blushes* Oh, yeah, sorry. *hands it over* KNIGHT: Thank you. *assumes nobility, rides nobly off into sunset* CREATOR: Since when did the sun set? STEVE: Sssh. You're ruining the moment. GOTHIE: So, anyway, as I was saying...let's run for the hills! |
STEVE: You can run but you can't hide. GOTH: Why not? STEVE: Because they will always find you in the end. GOTH: That's not true. What about D.B. Cooper? CREATOR: Who is D.B.Cooper? GOTH: Just Google it. CREATOR: I get so sick of that. You ask somebody something and they say "Just Google it"! Are people so lazy they can't take a minute to explain something? NIC: Yeah. Now shut up and let's get this thing back onto me and what I'm doing, what I like, and how I'm going to rid the world of penguins. TWIGA: You're obsessed. GOTH: Yes she is. Thank you. I'm glad we all agree that Nic is crazy. TWIGA: I didn't say she was crazy, just obsessed. CREATOR: And we didn't all agree. GOTH: Alright! Alright! One person implied Nic was crazy and I agreed. Is that accurate? CREATOR: Yep. That's accurate. NIC: Okay, it's penguin killing time again. GOTH: No it's not! STEVE: I think we should all take a moment to think happy thoughts. Do you have a happy thought, Twiga? |
| STEVE: Very good, Twiga. And Creator? CREATOR: My happy thought is...I RULE THIS PLACE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! Bow, you mortals, BOW DOWN TO ME!!! GOTH: Sounds like something Nic would say... CREATOR: Well...This IS her addition, is it not? STEVE: Hey! Back to happy thoughts. Goth, what is your happy thought? GOTH: Ummm...I am a penguin *beams* STEVE: Ok. Good enough. My happy thought is...I'm alive. And Nic? What's your happy thought? GOTH: Oh THIS is gonna be GOOD. NIC: Shut up. My happy thought is...One day penguins will be lost in oblivion! That or they'll be destroyed and extinct. |
STEVE: I'm so happy that we're all happy! And now.... something we've all been waiting for... the next contestant! NIC: Steve, the audience went home hours ago. STEVE: Huh? What? Who? NIC: They got tired of all your happy thought crap and left. CREATOR: Yeah, they didn't come here to see happy thoughts. NIC: They came to see some penguin stomping! GOTH: No, they didn't! When are you going to grow up and accept penguins as a co-equal species? NIC: Never! Penguins must die! TWIGA: It's sad they can't get along. CREATOR: But it's a great plot device. Conflict is story. You have to have a conflict to move the story along. STEVE: But it's going nowhere. Just around and around in circles. Who's going to win? Goth? Nic? Goth? Nic? CREATOR: It's called suspense, dude. You read on to find out who's gonna win. TWIGA: I don't think I really care who wins. STEVE: Now that's where characterization comes in. We haven't adequately described who's the good guy and who's the bad guy. NIC: Goth is the bad guy! GOTH: Nic is the bad guy! STEVE: *sigh* It's going to be a long night. Twiga? |
NIC: I've seen shorter. GOTH: Like this? STEVE: That's pretty short. I'm tempted to say about a thousand words right now, just to prove I can do it. GOTH: Please don't. STEVE: Fine. Anyway I'm running late today and don't have the time. CREATOR: Are you a clock? STEVE: If I was I would be broken. TWIGA: He would be a cuckoo clock. STEVE: You should be the clock, Twiga. You keep excellent time. |
| Twiga: When is this Campfire going to end? Seriously I think we're now a leangh of ileagal proportions. Everyone: This is the show that never ends! Yes it goes on and on my friend! Twiga: AAAAAAHHHH! |
| NIC: *runs in with important news* STEVE: When did you ever leave? NIC: I'm not...Exactly...Sure... CREATOR: Uhhh...Right. What's the news? NIC: *expression goes blank* Uhhh... GOTH: She can't remember. NIC: Can too! GOTH: Can not! NIC: Can too! GOTH: Can not! NIC: Can TOO! GOTH: Can NO- *is interrupteded by Creator* CREATOR: Who will win? Nic or Goth, Goth or Nic? Find out next addition on...WHAT CAN YOU WIN??? (we should change the name to WHO will win?, Don't you think?) |
| GOTHIE: Oh for Pete sake. CREATOR: Who's Pete? GOTHIE: I have no idea. But it's for his sake that I say this. STEVE: But that makes no sense. GOTHIE: Since when does this campfire make sense? STEVE: Oh yeah, good point. Carry on then. GOTHIE: *sniffs* So, anyway, as I was saying...for Pete's sake... NIC: Why won't she let me talk? GOTHIE: SHUSH BEFORE THE DEMONS OF ZALGOTH ATTACK YOU! NIC: Someone's a little tetchy this morning... |
STEVE: The Demons of Zalgoth are always tetchy in the Spring. NIC: Huh? Why is that? STEVE: Because that's when Pete comes to visit and they don't like Pete very much. NIC: So Pete is like a relative of the Demons of Zalgoth, a cousin or something? STEVE: No, of course not! How could Pete be a relative? He's human! And the Demons are... demons! No relation. CREATOR: Maybe I can help? NIC: Really? It would be the first time? CREATOR: Hey! NIC: Just kidding. Go ahead... help. CREATOR: I don't feel like it now. TWIGA: Oh, my Great Uncle Wilbur. Will this campfire NEVER end? GOTH: You have an Uncle Wilbur, too? TWIGA: Aaaarrrghhh! STEVE: That was an interesting point you made earlier about the campfire being an illegal length, because all my life I was taught that campfires couldn't be more than 250 additions. GOTH: Taught? What, like there is a school and you sit there while they say over and over: You MUST not exceed 250 additions? STEVE: It was a nun with a paddle. But the point is, somehow we broke the additions barrier... OR... somebody moved the barrier. NIC: So what's the new barrier? STEVE: I don't know! But how can we stop until we reach it? Otherwise we'll never know, will we? I say we go for it! Let's break the additions barrier! CREATOR: Yaaayyyy! GOTH: Yaayyy! TWIGA: Oh my Great Uncle Wilbur, how much longer must I suffer through this? STEVE: I don't know why you're complaining. All you have to do is write one line when the email comes. Is that so much to ask? |
| CREATOR: Yes Twiga, this show has lost all plot lines. I dont know why, but I just have a feeling we're being watched.... STEVE: O.........k...........you o.k. Creator? Need some space? *Slowly shuffels away* NIC: *hides behind goth* GOTH: *hides behind Nic* (That oughta prove a total conundrum!) |
| NIC: *hides behind goth* GOTH: *hides behind Nic* NIC: *hides behind goth* GOTH: *hides behind Nic* NIC: *hides behind-* Woah woah woah woah WOAH! Hold up! I just thought up a question that is VERY important and I MUST ask it this INSTANT! *freezes and slowly forgets question* GOTH: Oh for the love of...ASK ALREADY!!! NIC: Ummm...Uhhh...Well... STEVE: She forgot. GOTH: Thank you, captain obvious! CAP. OBVIOUS: Your welcome. GOTH: Not you! NIC: I remember!... *moment of silence to build suspense* NIC: *sees that suspense-building moment is getting rather long* *decides to ask question* What... STEVE: Yes... NIC: Does... GOTH: Yes... NIC: The meaning... CREATOR: Yes... NIC: Of... TWIGA: Yes... NIC: Conundrum...? *everyone rolls eyes* NIC: *is confused* What'd I do? |
| GOTHIE: A conundrum is a mystery. A puzzle. Like how you have existed this long in life without knowing the meaning of "conundrum." NIC: HEY! *pouts* GOTHIE: Sowwy. But it had to be said. STEVE: So, anyway...anyone else have a big pressing question? And before you ask, the meaning of life is 42. CREATOR: I thought it was a large pizza with anchovies... GOTHIE: That, too. STEVE, TWIGA, & NIC: EWWWWWWWWW! GOTHIE: What? What's wrong with anchovies? STEVE: *wrinkles nose* Nothing if you're a penguin... |
CREATOR: What can you win? EVERYBODY ELSE: Huh? CREATOR: It IS the name of the show, isn't it? What can you win? NIC: Sure, it's the name of the show. Are you trying to make a point? CREATOR: I guess my point is... IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE! NIC: No it isn't. STEVE: I think he's saying in his strange Creatorish way that we've drifted and we need to get back in the mainstream. NIC: Now I don't know what you're talking about either. GOTH: He means the show must go on. Where's the show? We're doing a show here, aren't we? TWIGA: Please, God, make this campfire stop. NIC: But what's Saturday Night Live got to do with anything? GOTH: Okay, that was proabably just random. It's too much to ask for EVERYTHING to make sense. STEVE: Yeah, too much. TWIGA: Please, God! STEVE: Shhh! It's Twiga's prayer time when she asks the Great Lord Shiva for forgiveness and to give her strength to keep making additions to this campfire for all eternity. Right, Twiga? |
| CREATOR: Congratulations! You've won Steve! STEVE: Really? CREATOR: Yes, really.Wanna know what you won? STEVE: Heck yes! CREATOR: You've won, the title of Host! STEVE: Huh? CREATOR: Ever since the audience left, the show's been canceled! While we were discussing the meaning of conundrum, and while twiga was complaining, I phoned Mr. Trump. He gave us 4 million dollars to re-cast our T.V. show! And since you guessed we went of track first, you win back the host job! STEVE: Wow! Awsome! NIC+GOTH: What about us? CREATOR: Oh Mr. Trump woulden't think about not having you guys on the show. Do you know how much your fight boost ratings? Nic is back to being the prize girl, and Goth is now the stage manager. And twiga gets to be our pet hippo. TWIGA: YES!!!! Boo-ya! CREATOR: LETS GET THIS STARTED! *Audience comes back* AUDIENCE: YAY!!! |
| NIC: *hides behind goth* GOTH: *hides behind Nic* NIC: *hides behind goth* GOTH: *hides behind Nic* NIC: *hides behind goth* GOTH: *hides behind Nic* NIC: *hides behind-* Woah woah woah woah WOAH! I gots a real serious question to ask ya! *all goes silent* CREATOR: Well? NIC: Umm...Well...I uh...I sort of... GOTH: She forgot. NIC: Did not! GOTH: Did so! NIC: Did not! GOTH: Did so! NIC: Did not! GOTH: Prove it! NIC: Ok I will. GOTH: ASK THE QUESTION!!! NIC: What's a gumdrop? GOTH: *mouth drops open* You dedicated a whole addition to THAT QUESTION??? NIC: Yup! *smiles proudly* Nice, huh? So what's the answer? |
STEVE: *hands Nic a bag of gumdrops* Look carefully in the bag. The secret will be revealed. GOTH: I want one. CREATOR: So, Steve. Are you just going to ignore my complete restructuring of the show into a well-oiled, smooth-running show biz machine? STEVE: Huh? What? How did that go again? I'm the host. Goth is the stage manager. Nic is the prize girl. Twiga is the "animal of the week". But what are you? CREATOR: Uh... I'll get back to you in a jjiffy. Just keep going. STEVE: Can I be the bunny and keep going and going and going and going? TWIGA: No. Animal of the week is my job. NIC: Steee-eeeeve. I can't find anything in this bag of brightly colored candy things. You said the secret will be revealed. STEVE: Just keep looking. GOTH: I want one. STEVE: Ladies and gentlemen! We are about to return to the air with all new shows! Now that the writers' strike is over... Twiga! The strike IS over, isn't it? |
STEVE: Good! That means the writers will come back to work and the show will go on. NIC: I hope they think up some good questions this time. STEVE: Me too. That last batch of questions was stupid. NIC: Why did the writers go on strike, Steve? STEVE: Nobody really knows... GOTH: I know! I know! |
| CREATOR: You do you do?!?! GOTH: Yes yes yes! NIC: *who hadn't really been paying attention* Woah, Goth, get a room! GOTH: What?! *blushes* I didn't mean it that way! NIC: Suuure GOTH: I didn't! CREATOR: Uh huh. Whatever you say. STEVE: Do I get a line? NIC: Sure, just jump right in when you're ready. |
| Just than the ghost of a brutelly murdured Teen enters Gothie's body Gothie: Haya hoya higda! Steve: Gothie? Are you speaking in toungues? Gothie starts talking in a sexy man's voice Gothie: That's better. Hello my name is I.P Freely and you are all in great danger! Everyone: HUH? Gothie: The serial killer who murdered me is coming in five minutes to kill all of you! |
| EVERYONE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAH! GOTHIE: *starts laughing* I'm just kidding, y'all! Honestly, you're so gullible. CREATOR: That wasn't very nice. *sniffle* GOTHIE: Well, how was I supposed to know that you'd believe me? HUH? CREATOR: I don't know but you should have. STEVE: Well, at least she was just kidding and there isn't a serial killer about to leap out and kill us all. *door slams open* *serial killer runs in* I.P. FREELY: BWAHAHAHAHAH! I am here to murder you all! EVERYONE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! GOTHIE: Okay, so maybe I was telling the truth... |
I P FREELY: Bwahahaha! Bwahahaha! GOTHIE: Can you shut up for awhile? I P FREELY: I'm here to murder you all! Bwahahaha! NIC: Is that all you think about? It's like you're obsessed with murder. I P FREELY: Bwahahaha! Murder! TWIGA: I'm sorry, you guys. I feel kind of responsible for this. GOTHIE: Huh! No, you've got nothing to be sorry about. It was inevitable that this creep would find us. NIC: Yeah, just because you let his ghost enter Gothie's body doesn't make you responsible. GOTHIE: What?! You did THAT?! TWIGA: Well, I.,, uh... GOTHIE: SHAME on you! I P FREELY: Bwahahaha! TWIGA: But he told me he was the ghost of a murdered teen, a teen brutally murdered by a serial killer. How was I to know that he was the actual serial killer himself? STEVE: You should never trust ghosts, teens, or serial killers. TWIGA: Well, I know that NOW! But at the time... GOTHIE: Oh never mind. It's okay. I've made the same mistake myself. Once this guy asked me to get in his car and help him look for his puppy and I did. NIC: Did you find his puppy? GOTHIE:  I P FREELY: Bwahahaha! Puppy! STEVE: How do we get rid of this guy? I P FREELY: Bwahahahaha! NIC: Make him a staff member. We need more laughs around here. GOTHIE: No! Too many laughs spoil the pie. TWIGA: What pie? STEVE: That's what we really need: more pie. I wouldn't mind the long dreary stretches with no laughs if I had a nice slice of lemon meringue pie to munch on. GOTHIE: You and your comfort foods. I P FREELY: Bwahahahaha! Pie! |
| *teenage magician suddenly appears* *serial killer guy turns into a pie* MAGICIAN KID: Didn't I tell you he murdered me??? Why does no one ever listen anymore? GOTH:...This is confusing... NIC: Yes it is. CREATOR: Oh my Gosh! They AGREED! GOTH: Yup NIC: Did not! GOTH: We did so! NIC: Did not! GOTH: Did so! NIC: Not! GOTH: So! NIC: Not! GOTH: So! NIC: NOT!!! STEVE: Is this whole addition going to be about you two fighting? GOTH: Maybe... |
| CREATOR: STEVE! Watch out! STEVE: OHMYGOSHTHATPIEISABOUTTOKILLME! *jumps away* PIE: Die...die...die... GOTH: Wait...this is just a robot! *Pulls out plug* CREATOR: Wheff. THAT sure was a close one, eh guys? Now back to WHAT CAN YOU WIN!! STEVE: UH...that lady in the front row. FRONT ROW LADY: Hello. I'm becky. CREATOR: Well Becky, this is your lucky day! All you have to do is organize this check book! NEXT! STEVE: That guy in the back. BACK GUY: What do I have to do? CREATOR: Fill out a ninety page essay on the Civil War. NEXT! STEVE: That dude. THAT DUDE: What up hombre? CREATOR: Take out the trash. NIC: HEY! Your using the audience members to do your chores! CREATOR: Your point? |
| NIC: That, uh, you shouldn't do that! CREATOR: Why? Would you prefer to do my chores instead? NIC: NOOOOOOO! CREATOR: Okay, then, don't argue. You there, in the third row, near the end...Organize my closet! And clean out any robot pie serial killers that might be lurking about! GOTHIE: You mean like this one? CREATOR Yeah, like this o---aaaaaaaah! GOTHIE: Okay, who plugged the killer pie back in? STEVE: *starts to whistle* Wasn't me. GOTHIE: Then who was it? STEVE: I don't know...Twiga? TWIGA: Stop pinning your crimes on me! |
STEVE: It wasn't my crime! Just because a guy whistles doesn't mean he is trying to cover up his guilt! *whistles* See? POLICEMAN: Who's whistling? Arrest that man! TWIGA: It was him, officer! *points at Steve* STEVE: No! False arrest! Mistake! Mistake! POLICEMAN: Calm down, sir. We don't arrest people just because someone points at them. STEVE: Oh. GOTH: *bats eyelashes* Helloooo, officer! Are you married? NIC: Hey! *bats eyelashes faster* POLICEMAN: Uh... Gotta go now! *leaves little puff of smoke where he used to be standing* CREATOR: Second row, third seat! Bake some brownies, please. 2R3S: Do you want fudge on that? STEVE: Ho hum. Life in the fast lane. I need a rest. PIE: ♪ I'm a little robot pie, this is where I sit. If you want to pay me, I will do a hit. I have a little butcher knife hidden in my crust. I need to use it very soon or it will surely rust. Everybody! EVERYBODY: ♪ Pie, pie, robot pie! If you try to eat it... then surely you will die! |
| NIC: Ok...THIS is scary...Where'd that cop go? He was HOT! GOTH: Hey! I batted my eyelashes first! NIC: Well I (emphasize the word I) batted them faster! *runs off to find the sexy cop guy* GOTH: *runs off after Nic to find the same guy* CREATOR: Well, there they go again... (sorry this is all I have time for at the moment) |
| Steve: Welcome back to What Can you Win? The show where everything is made up and the points don't matter, the points are just like Michal Jackson's 2nd trial! Nic: Hey! Stop ripping off Whose Line is it Anyway! Twiga: The furries are coming! The Furries are coming! Gothie: Whats a furry? Twiga: Someone who like to dress up like animals for sexual reasons and draw animal porn! |
| CREATOR: *runs away from twiga, screaming in defiance* STEVE: How the HELL do you know that? You know what? I just changed my mind. I don't wanna know. NIC: Well I DO! EVERYONE ELSE: NO!!!!!!!!!!!! TWIGA: Well, it all started...*four hundred hours later*...and that's how I know. STEVE: I...shall...never...use...the...internet...again!!!!! GOTH: UNCLEAN!!!! *Swings around bell full of holy water* The power of Christ compells you!!! NIC: Cool. |
STEVE: I think my Uncle Henry might have been a furry. NIC: Cool. STEVE: He had hairy legs and a hairy back. He even had hair on his hands. GOTH: Oooh, very furry. STEVE: Yeah, he didn't even need to wear a bunny suit. He just glued a big ball of cotton to his butt. TSC: What about the ears? STEVE: What ABOUT the ears? TSC: Rabbits have big long ears. STEVE: So? TSC: Your Uncle Henry? Did he put on fake rabbit ears? STEVE: Slippers. He had bunny slippers and he put them over his ears. TWIGA: Wouldn't they fall off? STEVE: He glued them on. NIC: What happened when he wanted to take a shower and he had slippers glued to his ears? STEVE: You're trying to punch holes in my story, aren't you? NIC: What about the sex? GOTH: Yeah, Twiga said Furries dress up for sexual reasons. STEVE: Uhhhh... |
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