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Rated: ASR · Message Forum · Other · #101179

All invited, Speak your mind, got a New Story?, Opinion?, Need help?, Like a story?.

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Dec 28, 2010 at 12:05pm
#2179754
Re: First paragraph of a story that I am obsessing over.
by Lornel Author IconMail Icon
Hi, Mike! I'm new here but I'll give this a shot.

I find your paragraph has beautiful descriptions, misplaced commas and poor grammar in places. It's not clear what or who the story is about. If it's about summer, fine, what do you have planned to keep a reader interested? But if it's about Adam, then I'd start with Adam. Written as is, 'One such' should begin a new paragraph.

Overall, it does make sense but the flow could be much better with a few tweaks.
MESSAGE THREAD
First paragraph of a story that I am obsessing over. · 12-07-10 1:29am
by Mike Blane Author IconMail Icon
*Star* Re: First paragraph of a story that I am obsessing over. · 12-28-10 12:05pm
by Lornel Author IconMail Icon
Re: First paragraph of a story that I am obsessing over. · 12-29-10 12:18am
by S🤦‍♂️ Author IconMail Icon
Re: First paragraph of a story that I am obsessing over. · 12-30-10 2:02pm
by Jordan Richelle Author IconMail Icon

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