Somewhere in the many glades of the Gnihl Woodland, a small pack of kobolds drag a loudly protesting, completely naked human man through the dirt. He was shouting and wriggling with all his might, and he would be punching and kicking at the vile lizards too, if every inch of his body wasn’t bound by ropes. “Unhand me, lizards! I’ll have your heads for this!” He cries out, clicking his teeth as he tries to bite at the ropes restraining him. Already exhausted by having to drag his weight around, the kobolds seem to have zero patience for the man’s cries.
The human had the breath knocked out of him when the apparent leader of the pack — a female with paris green scales and a fancy headdress — smashed the butt of a sword into his stomach. It was his sword, in fact; the kobold had recently stolen it from him. Despite being a shortsword, it looked pitifully unwieldy in the kobold’s small hands. Still, the damn thing hurt. “Shush, hyuman!” The green-scaled one hissed. “Or kobolds will gut you like fish!” Grumbling and groaning, the man begrudgingly let the kobolds carry him back to their lair, waiting to see what they might have in store for him.
The man’s name was Harding, and for him, this started out as just another normal day, miserably harvesting crops to pay off his dues to his lord. Of course, it took a turn for the worse when a pack of reptiles suddenly leapt out and ambushed him while he was farming. You see, a group of kobolds had moved into the area recently, but unlike most people, Harding had had a ‘live and let live’ attitude towards the reptiles. How foolish he had been! He should’ve exterminated them while he had the chance. They hadn’t even fought fairly, instead just shooting him in the head with a slingshot while he wasn’t looking. After that, they ransacked his farm, stole his clothing and gear, tied him up, and started dragging him here for god knows what reason.
Now, he was awake, concussed, and thoroughly pissed off, but he couldn’t fight back as the damn lizards had tied him up while he was knocked out. Harding resolved to just wait for an opportunity to break free. These kobolds weren’t very bright, so it shouldn’t be that hard to trick them into untying him eventually, right?
He glances around, a little surprised as the kobolds drag him into their encampment. He had thought there were only a few kobolds here, but apparently, there was actually a few dozen! Damn things breed like rabbits. They seem to be living in relative squalor, huddling in primitive makeshift huts and subsisting off stolen loot. He’d almost feel sorry for them, if he wasn’t seething with rage. Eventually, the kobolds bring him to a large cave near the back end of their encampment, and drop him onto the cold stone ground. “Dere! Hyuman lay dere! No move ever, or die!” The leader says, before the kobolds start chirping amongst eachother in their strange language, apparently celebrating their successful kidnapping.
Harding rolls his eyes. “Could one of you reptiles please tell me what this is all about!?” He groans, interrupting them.
The leader seemed a tiny bit angry to be interrupted, but was too giddy to really care. “Gold! Gold! Gold!” She chanted, practically hopping up and down. “We call hyuman’s family! Say if dey want hyuman back, dey need to give kobolds all dey gold! Den… kobolds kill hyuman anyway!” She cackles as she explains what they were doing. “Kekeke! It’s de perfect plan!”
Harding paused for a moment, dumbfounded by her stupidity. “Seriously? You’re going try to collect a ransom on me?” He was an impoverished peasant with absolutely no wealthy friends or family members. What kind of ransom were they expecting to get? “What in Syrtyx’s name makes you think that will net you any gold?”
“Stupid hyuman! King will give many golds when he hear smart kobolds kidnappd de prince of all de lands,” the kobold replies, haughtily.
“Prince?” Harding shouted, confused. “I’m a bloody cabbage farmer, you churls!”
The kobold blinks, as if surprised. “Svabol? Is you not prince Harding?”
Harding practically groans out loud when he finally realized what had happened. He just so happened to share a name with the prince of the current prince of the royal family, and somehow, these moronic lizards managed to get the two of them mixed up. “Harding? No! I mean, yes, but… I’m the other Harding!” He yells. “Prince Harding lives in Curdingham Keep! He’s a hundred miles from here!”
She’s silent for a few moments. “What? No prince?” She squints for a moment, her diminutive brain trying to put the pieces together, until she finally realized you were telling the truth. Filled with disappointment that her ‘genius’ plan wasn’t going to work, the kobold looks around for a scapegoat. She quickly lays eyes on a brown-scaled kobold male standing next to her. “Gnashgab! You sed dis human were prince Harding!” The two of them starting chirping furiously at eachother, apparently having an argument in their tongue. The brown-scaled one seemed to be trying to explain himself, but it was no good. You actually flinch at the sight when the female suddenly jabs the sword through the other one’s heart!
Blood splattered across the sword as the brown-scaled kobold fell to the ground, twitching and gasping for a few moments, before finally going still. The other kobolds chirp worriedly amongst eachother, though none of them seem to be brave enough to defy their leader. Once he was dead, the other kobold turned to you, her eyes wide with anger. Your heart sunk as she pressed the head of the shortsword up against your chest. “Hyuman? You no prince?” She growls. “Den you is useless to us!”
Just as she was about to plunge the blade into your heart, you shout at the top of your lungs. “WAIT!” The kobold flinches, her delicate ears pained by the sheer volume of his shout. This seems to knock the wind from her sails, giving him an opportunity to say his piece. “Y-you said you wanted gold, right? Well, I might not be a prince, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make any gold off me!”
The kobold narrowed her eyes. Eventually, she huffed as she drew the sword away from his chest, ready to hear what he had to say. “Mhmm?”
He tries to come up with something convincing. “My grandfather… he runs a meadery! Biggest meadery in the kingdom! He can get you gold!” Technically, Hardin wasn't lying. He just opted to omit the fact that he's never even met his grandfather, and odds are, his grandfather couldn’t care less whether he lived or died.
The kobold raises a brow. “How much gold?”
“Uh, he has… a billion! A billion gold coins!” You lie.
She looks confused. “A… a billian? How much is dat?”
Harding rolls his eyes. “So much gold, you could swim in it!”
The kobold seemed excited at the prospect of swimming in gold. “Yes, yes, yes! Gold, gold, gold!” She cheers, convinced she was back in business. The other kobolds cheer too, apparently having already forgotten about the dead one lying there on the ground. Eventually, she spun around, and triumphantly pressed the blade of the sword back up against your neck. “Alright, hyuman! Where is dis... ‘grandfather’?”
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